Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 153

DECEMBER 26, 1917

CHARIVARIA.

Victory is only a question of keeping cool, says VON TIRPITZ. A long-suffering Fatherland anticipates no difficulty whatever in following his advice during the winter.

***

A semi-official message from Berlin declares that Jerusalem was evacuated because Germany's friends did not desire to see battles fought over sacred ground. The Sultan of TURKEY is reported to have wired to the KAISER to think of another.

***

America is still breaking all records. A native artist has painted a picture which is said to be sixty feet by nineteen, the largest miniature ever painted in America.

***

It is rumoured that at a provincial Tribunal the other day an applicant asked for a further six months' exemption as he had a wife and a position in a butter queue to maintain.

***

It seems useless to attempt to cope with the multiplicity of events in these days. Cuba has declared war on Austria; the KAISER threatens to make a Christmas peace offer, and Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW has described himself as "a mere individual." And this all in one week.

***

According to Dean INGE, Germany is in many ways the best governed country in Europe. She certainly seems to have a better governed clergy than ours.

***

Much relief is felt at the announcement that rather than endanger the Allies' "solidarity" Lord LANSDOWNE has promised not to agree with President WILSON again.

***

Bloaters have reached the unprecedented price of six-pence each. It was hoped that, at any rate, over the Christmas season they would remain within reach of the upper classes.

***

A man has been charged with stealing a railway sandwich at Harwich. It appears that the poor fellow, who was lonely, wanted to take it home as a pet.

***

A contemporary has a headline, "Swearing in the New French Cabinet." They are beginning early.

***

For adding water to his employer's milk a dairyman's assistant has been sent to prison. Innocent dairymen must of course be protected.

***

Smokers complain that they are discovering unfamiliar substances in their tobacco. A sensation has been caused by the expert statement that they are tobacco.

***

Orchids were sold for as little as two-pence each at a recent sale, and alarmed growers are clamouring for the immediate appointment of an Orchid Controller.

***

An evening paper correspondent has complained that he has searched the shops in vain for a tortoise. So far the various Government Departments have maintained a dignified silence.

***

It is all nonsense for a contemporary to say that the blizzard in the North on a recent Saturday did no damage. Several of the football results were delayed.

***

While visiting Seaton College, New York, the other day, Mr. ROOSEVELT saluted a statue of ALEXANDER THE GREAT. We have always maintained that there is nothing petty about the EX-PRESIDENT.

***

The most striking announcement of the year 1917 comes just when it is almost used up. "There is a steady demand for money," says a Stock Exchange report.

***

A mummified duck, estimated to be two thousand years old, has been discovered in a sandstone stratum in Iowa. It is not often that the poulterers of Iowa are caught napping.

***

An American policeman is said to have written two successful musical comedies. If we remember rightly it was an English policeman who first composed the Frog's March.

***

At a Guildford charity fête the winner of a hurdle race was awarded a new-laid egg. If he succeeds in winning it three years in succession it is to become his own property.

***

The L.B. & S.C. Railway desire to state that the train from which the deserter jumped without injuring himself was not really doing its best.

***

A burglar was discovered concealed beneath the counter of a Leicester butter-merchant's shop. It is understood that he came early to avoid the rush.

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TITLE AND HALF-TITLE PAGES.

With a view to economy of paper, the title and half-title pages of the Volume which is completed with the present issue are not being delivered with copies of _Punch_ as usual; they will however be sent free, by post, upon receipt of a request.

Those readers who have their Volumes bound at the _Punch_ Office, or by other binders in the official binding-cases, will not need to apply for copies of the title and half-title pages, as these will be bound in by the _Punch_ Office or supplied direct to other binders along with the cases.

* * * * *

"AFFAIRS IN RUSSIA.

[printed upside down: "MILITARY DICTATORSHIP"] "EXPECTED."--_Egyptian Daily Mail_.

It looks as if the expectation has been upset.

* * * * *

"The defendant expressed regret that having misunderstood a newspaper paragraph he charged one penny for a box of 'Pilot matches.' Directly his attention was drawn to the matter he at once charged the correct price, 3s. 4¾d."--_South London Press_.

Our journalists should really be more careful not to mislead honest tradesmen.

* * * * *

WITH THE AUXILIARY PATROL.

I do not think there was a single man of the ship's company who bore the loss of poor Mnemosyne dry-eyed. From the lieutenant down to the trimmer we had become sincerely attached to this affectionate little creature, and when unhappily, during the temporary absence of the steward, she ventured to circumvent the rim of an open condensed milk-tin, missed her footing and succumbed to a clammy death, there was not a more unhappy trawler patrolling the North Sea than ours.

She was a weevil and I found her in my ship's biscuit. From the first I recognised that she was no ordinary weevil; her stately bearing, the fine upward curl of her moustachios, but, more than anything else, the intelligent, often humorous gleam in her big black eyes elevated her at once above the mass of her compatriots. She took to me wonderfully: I secured her confidence with a piece of boiled cat-fish, and thenceforth we were scarcely ever apart. Not that she resented the advances of the rest of the crew--she was no snob, and would eat from the hand of the trimmer as readily as from my own, and allow anyone to stroke her; but it was I who taught her to sit up and beg, to "die for her country," to droop her antennæ whenever the name of VON TIRPITZ was mentioned, and to wave them for Sir DAVID BEATTY. She would often sit with me in the wireless cabin whilst I was on watch, and never once did she disturb me during the receiving of a message by boisterous or noisy behaviour.

We had other weevils at different times, but none so intelligent or so faithful as Mnemosyne. The lieutenant tamed one, and, being a devotee of science and despising the arts, he named him Newton Darwin; but he was a foolish fellow at the best and continually getting into somebody's way. The lieutenant offered to back him against Mnemosyne for a race across the cabin table, and we made a match of it. The betting was three to two in favour of Newton Darwin, because the third hand, who had once been employed in a racing-stable, had been heard to remark that he had very fine quarters. The stakes were half a plug of ship's tobacco.

It was a walk-over. On the word "Go" Mnemosyne positively leapt forward, took a crease in the tablecloth in her stride and completed the course, which measured sixteen inches, in the remarkable time of seven and two-fifths minutes. Newton Darwin was left standing; indeed he never attempted to race, but, after staring about vacantly for some minutes, ambled leisurely off in the opposite direction, where he had seen a breadcrumb.

This victory was very popular, and the third hand was roundly abused for suggesting that Mnemosyne had been doped. Even if Newton had got away with the pistol he would never have stood a chance against her. She was the fleetest weevil I ever saw.

Another weevil was Bertie, who belonged to the second engineer, but he was caught pilfering the skipper's private supply of fresh butter, which he kept in a jar in his bunk and was very jealous of, so Bertie had to be made away with. He walked the plank at daybreak one grey stormy morning just off the Nethermost Ruff of the Dogger. The second was very upset for a day or two; he said he would have staked anything on Bertie's honesty.

We kept Mnemosyne for over two months, and never once did she misconduct herself or behave in an unseamanlike manner. Her one failing, if such it can be called, was a weakness for condensed milk, and this it was that led to her untimely end. We had come to regard her as one of the crew, and had a little lifebelt made for her in case of need. Jones, our signaller, who has poetical moments, was inspired by her to make verse, which began:--

There is something very evil In the war-whoop of a weevil.

This was indignantly censored as a libel, but he excused himself on the plea that "evil" was the only possible rhyme to be found for "weevil," and declared that his very last intention had been to be personal or to cast the least reflection on the lovable disposition of Mnemosyne, so we forgave him with a caution.

Well, Mnemosyne is gone, and the ship seems a dull place without this exhilarating little pet. Never so long as ship's biscuits continue to buckle the jack-knives of British seafarers will there be another weevil like Mnemosyne.

We flew the White Ensign at halfmast from dawn to sundown on the day she died.

* * * * *

A RASH ACT.

Extract from the report of a ladies' Lacrosse Club:--

"The deplorable habit of scratching with no sufficient reason, just before a practice, has mounted almost to a disease."

* * * * *

"Will any kind gentleman help an Indian with a loan of Rs. 7,000 at 6%? No risk. Gentleman having deep love for mother will understand advertiser's noble cause. No brokers should apply."--_Statesman_ (_Calcutta_).

What's the matter with brokers? Aren't they also born of woman?

* * * * *

LIPS AND THEIR LESSONS.

["General PERSHING has collected round him a staff of thin-lipped determined men."--_The Observer_.]

If physiognomists are right, And faces count as half the battle, We clearly ought not to invite Comparison with sheep or cattle, But rather should improve the features That mark us off from humbler creatures.

Eyebrows projecting like a bush Are facial assets to be prized, Denoting driving-power and push In men however undersized (Bear's grease or paraffin or both Will largely stimulate their growth).

The fish-like and lethargic eye We should endeavour to efface, And foster visual orbs that vie With those of eagles in its place; While belladonna's artful use An extra brilliance may produce.

Nor are there wanting ways and means Enabling experts to impose By sundry suitable machines Fine character upon the nose; And nasal dignity, we find, Promptly reacts upon the mind.

But those who in this great reform Of face and feature are engrossed Agree that to enforce a norm In labial fabric matters most; The lips that help a race to win Unquestionably must be thin.

Therefore with pleasure unalloyed We learn that great Columbia's sons, With PERSHING busily employed In laying plans to down the Huns, According to a trusty pen Are "thin-lipped and determined men."

* * * * *

On the retirement of certain Tanks from their War Bond duties:--

"They can understand, we hope, how very jolly it has been to have them, and how sorry we are to see them go. We shall probably sing those typical English ballads 'Auld Lang Syne' and 'Will ye no come back again?'"--_Daily Paper_.

A Scottish correspondent suggests the addition of a few other "typical English ballads," such as "The Wearing of the Green," "Men of Harlech," "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "The Marseillaise."

* * * * *

"Applications will be received by Mr. J. Arnold, Chairman of the Bathurst Municipality, for a TOWN CLERK, whose duties will be the following, viz.: Competent Bookkeeper, Sanitary Inspector, Street Inspector, and to supervise labour party on roads, Native Location Inspector, Dog Tax Collector, Ranger, Caretaker of the Municipal Dipping Tank and be able to mix dip. Kafir language essential."--_South African Paper_.

And he'll want a lot of it.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

SIDNI THE STOREMAN.

FRAGMENT OF AN EDDA.

At the downcome of darkness Up to the trenches Fared he forth, Sidni the Storeman. On bent back Bore he the Rum Jar, Bringing a boon To the Folk in the Front Line. Scatheful the sky With no stars shining; Monstrous the mud That lay deep on the Duck Boards. A weary while Wandered he on; No wit he wotted Of fate that followed Stalking his steps. So passed he the posts All silent and sunken In mire and murk, Till fearful he felt for The doubtful Duck Boards No longer beneath him. Then spake Sidni, Steward of Stores: "Now know I well I have come to the Country That men name No Man's;" And with woe his heart Waxed heavy within him For horror of Hun Folk Who crawl in the craters.

Then there arose Dim in the darkness The face and form Of Heinrik the Hun With hand upheld Bearing a bomb. But fear filled the heart Of Sidni the Storeman, And with force of fear Raising the Rum Jar Drave he adrad At the face of the foeman. Down sank the Slayer Smitten asunder And over his face Unloosed ran the liquor. Then Heinrik the Hun Sang he this Swan Song: "Hero, I hail thee, Godlike who givest Fire and Sweetness Born of a blow. Loki art thou, Or Wotan the one-eyed Coming to call me Away to Walhall. Happy I haste To the Hall of the Heroes; Point thou the Path! I come! I come!"

But fast with the force Of the fear that was in him Fled Sidni the Storeman Back to the Britons And came by chance Straightway to his section, Bearing the Rum Jar Now lacking the liquor. Then, puffing with pride And the pace of his running, Told he a tale Of the Slaying of Seven; But little belief In the count of the killing Gat Sid from the section, Wrathy withal At the loss of the liquor. And one thing Erb, Erb that erstwhile Hight his old Pal, Had for an answer: "Bale hast thou brought And rede of bale Have I for thee." Then troth they took And oath swear betwixt them That for four years full Or the War's duration He should draw and drink Sid's ration of Rum. So doom was decreed For the loss of the liquor. But Sidni the Storeman Transferred to the Transport.

* * * * *

"UNION OF DEMONCRATIC CONTROL."

_Leicester Daily Mercury_.

Is this a misprint or a criticism?

* * * * *

THE WATCH DOGS.

LXVIII.

My Dear Charles,--I don't know that I think so much of these alliances after all, and I'll tell you why.

When I first heard that my old friend Italy was in trouble I paraded my officer at once. "Stand to attention, George," I said, "and tell me what we are going to do about it."

"Oh, that'll be all right," said he. "I've booked my seat in the train."

I think that George, my subordinate, sometimes forgets who I am and what importance attaches to me. I feel that he ought at least to consult me formally before he decides what instructions I am going to issue to him. After all, I am only fifteen years younger than he is.

"You will proceed forthwith to Italy," I said, "and will there study the local conditions on the spot. You will then take such action as the occasion seems to you to demand." George was cleaning out his pipe, so for once he didn't interrupt. "You will report progress to me in triplicate."

George frowned. Having been the Supreme White Man in some African district for dozens of years before the War, all his hair seems to have got into his eyebrows, and his frown is a terrible thing to see.

"At any rate," I said, "you might just drop me a post-card to tell me how you're getting on."

George's eyebrows stood at ease and then stood easy.

"It's all very well for you," I added. "But what about me, when it comes to totting up your travelling allowances later on?"

George has private means, which work out at about one-and-fourpence, less income tax, a day. Consequently he is a little careless about money matters. "Oh, that'll be all right," he said.

* * * * *

George was away for three weeks. What he did all the time I'm sure I don't know, though I kept on reporting to my superiors that the necessary steps were being taken and the requisite measures were being initiated. When he got back he wanted to start in at once telling me all about it. But I said no, and insisted on getting down to the War.

"In making out travelling claims," I said, producing the appropriate Army Form, "care should be taken to comply with the instructions contained in the King's Regulations. We have a quarter of an hour before your breakfast will be ready. Let us deal with our more formidable enemies, the Pay People, first."

George is the sort of person who gets you into trouble on the very first line of any Army Form. Asked as to his rank, he told me he was a Second Lieutenant in the Army, temporary Lieutenant, acting Captain. All these ranks get a different rate of allowance. Which of the three was George in fact?

"A man of your age ought to know better," I said.

We were half-an-hour late for breakfast, and even so George hadn't got to the station of departure, as far as A.F.O. 1771 was concerned.

I determined to devote the morning to the matter, clearing the court for the purpose. Our Mr. Booth, however, who is intolerably precise and accurate in these matters, had profited by my absence at breakfast to collect a folio of relevant Orders and Instructions, numbered one to seventy-three consecutively.

It all sounds so simple, doesn't it? You get so many francs a day for subsistence, and so many francs a night for accommodation, in France; so many lire a day for subsistence, and so many lire a night for accommodation, in Italy. Ah yes, but you don't know George when he is in action. Not content with travelling in the dark, and so subsisting by night when he ought to be accommodated, and being accommodated by day when he ought to be subsisting, he could never make up his mind to stay in the same country for two days together. As to his constant movements from one country to the other, three times he had supposed he had finished with Italy and was due back in France; each time he had got comfortably across the frontier into France he had been recalled to Italy. Never once had he the sense to cross the frontier on the stroke of midnight, and so make a complete twenty-four hours of it on each side, and all the time the rate of exchange was varying by a fraction. But, as George said, it wasn't himself who was manipulating the rate of exchange as between the two countries, and courtesy to allied nations prevented him from manipulating the trains.

It was towards teatime when he satisfied me of his own innocence on these points; but don't run away with the idea that by this time we were well on with the business. We had barely as much as started. How are you to fix the "date of journey" in such a manner as to give the traveller a clear night for accommodation in one country, or a clear day for subsistence in another, when he leaves his home at 5.15 P.M., arrives at the end of the first stage at 6.10 P.M., sleeps in a hotel till 11 P.M., gets in the train at thirty-five minutes past, crosses the frontier at 2 P.M. on the following day, arrives at his Italian destination at 5 A.M. on the morning after that, and then, if you please, goes to bed in another hotel? Old soldier though I am, there didn't seem to me to be a single line in a single column which I could satisfactorily fill in. True, there was the space for "Remarks," but our Mr. Booth was quite sure that my remarks were not what the Pay People called for.

By this time I was for giving in, but George was now the persistent one. It was never his pocket he cared for; it was just one of his confounded principles not to be beaten by anything, not even an Army Form. I expressed some surprise that in the course of this tour of duty he had not managed to find his way to America for an hour or two, if only to complicate my business with the dollar question...

I read the whole Form again, from start to finish, including the bit about vouchers being required for any unusual expenditure, such as cab-fares of over ten shillings. I then told George to write down on a piece of paper how much money he had when he started on his silly journey, and how much he had in hand when he got back; to deduct the latter from the former and tell me the result; to go away, leave me to wrestle all night with the problem, come back next morning at nine, remain motionless and strictly in one country in the meanwhile, neither accommodated nor subsisting. He gave me the figure, 173 francs, and never mentioned the subject to me again for days owing to the sullen fury he noted in my expression every time he cleared his throat to do so.

After ten days I handed George a chit from the Pay People for "one hundred and seventy francs for travelling expenses, 30/10/1917 to 20/11/1917, for tour of duty to Italy." George said I had a dashed fine brain to have worked out the claim; I told him the Pay Man had a dashed kind heart to settle it. I hadn't been able to avoid mentioning Italy; but for the rest the Pay Man simply must have thought that George had driven all the way to the frontier and back in cabs and done precious little duty on the other side of it. Wouldn't you have thought so, Charles, if you had received a claim merely for eighty-five cabs, at two francs a time, and all in France, too?

Yours ever,

HENRY.

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* * * * *

From a church notice-board:--

Matins.--Hymn 43:

'Great God, what do I see and hear?' Preacher, Rev. Dr. ----.

Hymn 45: 'Hark! an awful voice is sounding.'

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TRENCH COATS.