Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 152.

May 2nd, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

WE envy the freshness of America's experience as a member of the Alliance. New York will hold its first flag day on June 2nd.

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America is anxious to see a settlement of the Irish Question, but there is no truth in the rumour that we have cabled to say that we will take on Mexico if America will take on Ireland.

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VON IHNE, the KAISER'S Court architect, is dead. It is thought that future alterations to the House of Hohenzollern will not reflect, as heretofore, the ALL-HIGHEST'S personal taste.

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"Stern measures for King Tino," says a contemporary. We have always felt that that is where the castigation should take place.

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_The Daily Chronicle_ reminds us that Downing Street owes its origin to an American. There are some people who never will let bygones be bygones.

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Whole haystacks are said to have been eaten in a night by mice in Victoria, Australia. The failure of Mr. HUGHES to provide a state cat in each rural area may, it is thought, prove to be the deciding factor in the present election campaign.

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The _Tageblatt_ points out that in view of the extreme goodwill of Germany towards Spain that country cannot possibly find any grievance in the torpedoing of her ships. This assurance of uninterrupted friendliness has confirmed the worst fears of the pessimists in Madrid.

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Mr. BALFOUR, it is stated, has invited President WILSON to play a game of golf. In the event of a match being arranged there is a growing desire that the occasion should be made a half-holiday throughout the war-area.

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The Ministry of Shipping, it is stated, employs only 830 persons. This violent departure from the recognised Parliamentary rule, that a Minister who cannot find use for a couple of thousand employees should resign, has gone far to undermine the popularity of this Department.

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Owing to the shortage of corn on which race-horses must be fed, ordinary handicaps will soon have to be abandoned. The idea of putting the horseradish to the use for which it was originally intended does not seem to have struck the imagination of trainers.

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The Director of Women's Service has issued an appeal for several thousand milkmaids. These must not be confused with milksops who are being taken care of by other Departments.

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"I have heard more bad music at temperance meetings," says Dr. SALEEBY, "than I knew the world could contain." The temperance people are certainly having persistent bad luck.

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The keenest minds in Germany, says a Berlin correspondent, are now seeking to discover the secret of the Fatherland's world-wide unpopularity. It is this absurd sensitiveness on the part of our cultured opponent that is causing some of her best friends in this country to lose hope.

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A swallow has been seen over the Hollow Ponds at Epping Forest, but _The Daily Mail_ is still silent as to whether Spring has arrived or not.

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"New Laid Eggs," Sir JOHN MILLAIS' masterpiece, has recently been sold for £1,155. It is reported that last December, when it looked as if the egg might become extinct, a much higher price was offered for the picture.

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In the absence of other grain, hens are to be fed upon frostbitten wheat imported from Canada. Poultry-keepers anticipate that it will result in a greatly increased number of china eggs being laid by their stock.

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A correspondent of a morning paper complains that while the entire nation is on rations our Germans, naturalised and unnaturalised, "continue to eat in the usual way." This is not true of the ones we have heard.

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In view of the excessive rains of late, we are glad to note that one organisation is not to be caught napping. The National Lifeboat Institution is fitting out its boats with a new life-belt.

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The KAISER, it is reported, has written a play. It only needed this to convince us that he is quite himself again.

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We also learn that he is once more on speaking terms with Count REVENTLOW. He told the COUNT, the other day, "to mind his own business."

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There were 1,084,289 visitors to the London Zoological Gardens last year. It is worthy of note that not one of them was accepted.

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A wood-pigeon shot at Heytesbury was found to have in its crop sixty-five grains of corn--enough to produce half a sack of wheat. In fairness to the bird it is only right to say that it was not aware of this.

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Mr. BRACE has lately introduced a Bill in the House to reduce the number of jurors at inquests. A further improvement would be to repeal the old technicality which makes it illegal for a man to give evidence at his own inquest.

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"I met the prisoner twenty years ago," said a witness in a Northern police court last week, "and I well remember his face." It is better to have that sort of memory than that sort of face.

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At a rally of five hundred boy scouts of London, Wolf Cubs greeted Cardinal BOURNE with the "Great Howl." It is not known in what way the CARDINAL had offended the young Cubs.

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Under the new order the police will not have power to enter the premises of persons suspected of food hoarding. Cooks who in the past have been in the habit of hoarding cold rabbit pie will have to be dealt with in other ways.

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According to a Billingsgate fish merchant kippers are daily increasing in price. It is, of course, too much to hope that they will ever become so dear as to prohibit their use among comedians on the music-hall stage.

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THE POTSDAM ALTRUIST.

[_The Frankfurter Zeitung_ protests against the idea that "the KAISER in Germany's gravest times allows anxiety about himself or his dynasty to have access to his thoughts."]

Among the penalties imposed on Kings Who govern absolutely by divine right, I am no more affected by the things That Socialists and other dirty swine write Than when a pin is thrust Into a pachyderm's indifferent crust.

But now I deign to answer, even I, The vilest yet of these revolting sallies, Where they allege that when our German sky Rocks to the air of "_Deutschland über alles_," "_Und Ich,_" I add (aside), "_Ich über Deutschland!_" There the blighters lied.

I'm not like that. I never use the first Personal pronoun, like the Monarch LOUIS, Who said (in French--a tongue I deem accurst), "_L'etat, c'est moi._" My conscience, clear and dewy, Tells me that, as a Kaiser, I am a very poor self-advertiser.

This is a feature of our dynasty; And no historian who has ever studied The traits peculiar to the family tree On which the Hohenzollern _genus_ budded In all that noble list Has come across a single egoist.

They loved their people better than their throne; Lightly they sat on it, dispensing Freedom; They never said, "Your souls are not your own, But simply there in case your King should need 'em;" They would have thought it odd To want to be regarded as a god.

Thus have I served my land; and if a wave Of lurid revolution overswept her, And I, her loyal and obedient slave, Were called upon to down my orb and sceptre, That grace I'd freely do, And so, I'm sure, would LITTLE WILLIE too.

O.S.

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GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.

The following articles have been written by a little band of patriots who, without any hope of gain or self-aggrandisement, have poured forth of their store of wisdom and experience for the instruction, comfort and encouragement of their fellow-countrymen:--

THE BRITISH NAVY.

We are all very proud of the Navy. It is the largest in the world and all the men in it are very brave, and kind too I expeck. ALFRED THE GREAT invented it hundreds of years ago so it has had a long time to practis in. When a sailer wants to say yes he says Ay, ay, sir, not offen mum because the captain is always a man. Perhaps some day he wont be. I have got an uncle who is a captain in the Navy. He says that in the olden days sailers had such bad food that it walked about and if it was up the other end of the table you ony had to whissel and it came down your end dubble quick. But I don't know if that is true. Anyhow everything is all rite now but this plesant thouhgt must not stop us sending parsels to the sailers, as you cant fish up cakes and apples out of the sea and they like them very much.

JOHN BRIGHT (age 9-1/2).

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SOLGIERS.

Solgiers wear karki. If you are an offiser the others salut you if you arn't they don't. People musn't kill each other unless they have to becos it's rwong. Solgiers have to. They have to pollish there buttens as well. It is there cheef job unless they are offisers. Then they don't becos they get paid more and let some one else do it for them. Before the war solgiers were only one kind of man, now they are all kinds but mostly good. Granpa is a genral so he knows. A frend of fathers is a private, he is quite nice but he mayn't come to dinner when granpas here. I shall be a solgier when I grow up praps a genral but Im not sure. I would like to be someone with a sord and a drum. Granpa hasn't got a drum.

DOUGLAS BAYSWATER (age 8).

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AMERICA.

America is really the name of a continent but when we say America we mean the bit of it that used to belong to us. Americans do not have a king they used to have our King but they gave him up. It wasn't the King we have now or perhaps they wouldn't have. So they have someone called a President who does instead but he doesn't wear a crown and he only lasts a short time like the Lord Mare or a little longer. Besides the President there are men called millonares, they are normously rich and do insted of princes and dukes, who they haven't got either but not because they don't like them but because it is a Republic. Americans don't like war but if they have to fight they can do it all right Father says.

MARY GREY (age 10).

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OUR ALLIES.

It is with great pleasure that I take up my pen to write about Our Allies. They are France, Belgium, Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, and America. I think thats all at present but eight is a good number. To begin with France. In time of peace the French are a gay and polite people which is very nice I think. They are noted for their coffee and for their fashions as both are better than ours. And all the women can cook. How beautiful it would be for England if she could imitate her sister country in these things! I can make a cake but not a very light one. Now let us look at Verdun on the map. It is a great fortress and the Germans thought they could take it but I rejoice to say they couldn't as the bravery and patrioticness of the French troops came in the way. Belgium is the next on the list. Belgium is a little country and Germany is a big one so of course the Germans had the best of it at first but they won't much longer. So it will be all right soon if we dont eat too many sweets and things. Russia, Italy, Serbia, Portugal, Rumania, America and Montynegro, which I forgot before, are all splendid countries but space forbids more.

KATHLEEN CHALFONT (age 12).

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The German soldiers' opinion of "retirement according to plan": "Each for himself; and the Devil take the Hindenburg."

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"To fill up the gaps in the ranks trains of German reserves are being hushed to the front incessantly."--_Star._

We don't believe this. The Bosch has long given up the habit of singing as he goes into battle.

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"J.J. (New Brighton) sends us a case of a novel method to keep out would-be marauders from the garden. A friend of his who has some expensive ferns planted in a rockery put up the notice, 'Beware of the Scolopendriums and Polypodiums'--which, of course, are the Latin names of garden insects."--_Pearson's Weekly._

Clearly a case of nature mimicry.

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REVIVALS AND REVISIONS.

"IT" (as Mr. GOSSE says at the beginning of his fascinating monograph on SWINBURNE, a work which we understand has just been crowned by the Band of Hope) it is now beyond doubt that Mr. H.B. IRVING'S drastic way with _Hamlet_ is to have a far-reaching effect on all revivals. New authors can be acted more or less as they write, or as they happen to be stronger or weaker than their "producers"; but to be revived is henceforward to be revised, and fairly stringently too.

Mr. IRVING has made a clearance of certain parts of _Hamlet_ which interfere with the movement of its story. Actuated by old-fashioned motives and writing for a public that was not yet wholly lacking in discrimination, SHAKSPEARE did his best to make _Hamlet_ a poetical as well as a dramatic tragedy. With this end in view he accumulated the mass of rhetoric with which we are now so familiar. It as been Mr. IRVING's task to prune this well-meant but somewhat excessive verbiage so that the real dramatic stuff can at last "get over." But he has done no more. Any rumour to the effect that he has introduced American songs or dances, or that a "joy plank" bisects the stalls of the Savoy is untrue and deserves the severest denial.

One of Mr. Punch's livest although middle-aged wires, who has been interviewing the great managers of the Metropolis--and by great he means those most likely to become revivalists--says that it is the same tale with all. For example, Mr. FRED TERRY, interviewed at his home near the Zoo, in his study furnished with the works of all the greatest writers, from the Baroness ORCZY to HAVELOCK ELLIS, admitted that it was perfectly true that he was contemplating a revival of _The Three Musketeers_, with certain alterations to bring it into line with modern taste in warrior heroes.

"To-day," said Mr. TERRY, "as you may have noticed, soldiers wear khaki. Very well then, the musketeers shall wear khaki. They shall also be transformed into Englishmen and be made recognisable and friendly. Thus _D'Artagnan_ will become an airman, _Aramis_ a padre with fighting instincts, _Athos_ a general, and _Porthos_ an officer in the A.S.C. A certain amount of re-writing and adjusting is necessary, but that will come."

In order to find Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH, of the old firm of Grossmith and Laurillard, who is now, as all the world, and especially Germany, knows, a conning-tower of strength in the Navy, it is necessary to visit the North Sea; but Mr. Punch's middle-aged men stick at nothing.

"Yes," said Mr. GROSSMITH, "we are doing _The Bells_. Mr. IRVING has kindly leased it to us. But we are not adhering too slavishly to the plot, nor does he wish us to; and, in fact, we have turned the part made so famous by Mr. IRVING'S father into something a shade more droll, to suit Mr. LESLIE HENSON, than whom, I take the liberty of thinking,"--here the young officer saluted--"no funnier comedian now walks the boards. We are also changing the title from _The Bells_ to _The Belles_, as being more in keeping with Gaiety traditions. But I must ask you to excuse me; I fancy Sir DAVID BEATTY wants me."

But the most interesting case of revision will be that of _The School for Scandal_, because, two managements being at work upon it, each with somewhat peculiar ideas, the public will be presented, at the same time, with versions so unlike as to amount to two different plays. And this suggests how valuable is Mr. IRVING'S lead, for it means that one old play can be multiplied into as many new plays as the thoroughly conscientious brains through which it passes. The two managers who have cast longing eyes on SHERIDAN'S comedy are Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS and Mr. OSCAR ASCHE. Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS is convinced that there is a new lease of life for this play if it is taken at a quicker pace. He has therefore arranged an acting version which will occupy about an hour, with laughs. By eliminating the word "sentiment" alone, which is tediously harped upon, several minutes are saved. Some of _Sir Peter_ and _Lady Teazle's_ repetition of the word "Never" also goes. The satirical conversation in Act I. is much abbreviated as being out of date, and the whole piece is redressed in the present manner. Mr. ASCHE also is re-dressing it, or rather un-dressing it. In his opinion what the play lacks is a touch of savagery. It is too sophisticated. He has therefore kept no more of the plot than is consistent with a change of scene to Hawaii, the fashionable primitive country of the moment. By this change, even if a little of the wit and spirit evaporate, a certain force is gained, a powerful epidermic part for Miss LILY BRAYTON as _Mrs. Candour_ (the new heroine of the comedy) being not only possible but natural. Mr. ASCHE himself will play _Charles Surface_, with the accent on the surface, since he turns out to be a devotee of sun-baths and the simple life.

In reply to a cablegram to America, Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM TREE sends the following message:--"Am busy rehearsing _He Stoops to Cinema; or, The Mistakes of a Knight_."

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FOOD CONTROL.

There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day for our Post-Office employees.

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"The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."--_Evening News_ (_Portsmouth_).

Horse-racing in war-time _is_ rather a sorry business.

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"A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is in good running order...."--_Pall Mall Gazette._

We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General Headquarters.

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FROM A FULL HEART.

In days of peace my fellow-men Rightly regarded me as more like A Bishop than a Major-Gen., And nothing since has made me warlike; But when this age-long struggle ends And I have seen the Allies dish up The goose of HINDENBURG--oh, friends! I shall out-bish the mildest Bishop.

_When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,_ _I'm going to buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;_ _When the War is over and the sword at last we sheathe,_ _I'm going to keep a jelly-fish and listen to it breathe._

I never really longed for gore, And any taste for red corpuscles That lingered with me left before The German troops had entered Brussels. In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!" Froze me; and, as the War grew older, The noise of someone else's gun Left me considerably colder.

_When the War is over and the battle has been won,_ _I'm going to buy a barnacle and take it for a run;_ _When the War is over and the German Fleet we sink,_ _I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen to it think._

The Captains and the Kings depart-- It may be so, but not lieutenants; Dawn after weary dawn I start The never-ending round of penance; One rock amid the welter stands On which my gaze is fixed intently-- An after-life in quiet lands Lived very lazily and gently.

_When the War is over and we've done the Belgians proud,_ _I'm going to keep a chrysalis and read to it aloud;_ _When the War is over and we've finished up the show,_ _I'm going to plant a lemon-pip and listen to it grow._

Oh, I'm tired of the noise and the turmoil of battle, And I'm even upset by the lowing of cattle, And the clang of the bluebells is death to my liver, And the roar of the dandelion gives me a shiver, And a glacier, in movement, is much too exciting, And I'm nervous, when standing on one, of alighting-- Give me Peace; that is all, that is all that I seek ... Say, starting on Saturday week.

A.A.M.

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THINGS THAT MATTER IN WAR-TIME.

"Among the audience the Duchess of ----'s slim height and long neck, swathed in sables, stood out."--_Evening Standard._

"Mrs. ---- was looking beautiful in a bottle-green suiting, collared with skunk, but a little thin, I thought."--_Daily Sketch._

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"King Albert of Belgium made a long aeroplane flight, under fire, over the fighting front.... German anti-aircraft guns kept up a sustained fire, but no German airman ventured in the way of the King's aeog rogartb-habtheb habtheb habtha aeroplane."--_Vancouver Daily Province._

It is rumoured that the Air Board has already ordered a number of machines of the new type.

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THE WATCH DOGS.

LX.

My dear CHARLES,--Those who insist that between the Higher Commands on either side there is a tacit understanding not to disregard each other's personal comfort and welfare must now modify their views. Recent movements show that there is no such bargain, or else that the lawless Hun has broken it. He has attained little else by his destructiveness save the discomfort of H.Q. Otherwise the War progresses as merrily as ever; more merrily, perhaps, owing to the difficulties to be overcome. Soldiers love difficulties to overcome. That is their business in life.

It was open to the Camp Commandant, when it became likely that H.Q. would move, to go sick, to retire from business, or else, locking, his front- door, shutting his shutters, disconnecting his telephone and confining to their billets all potential bearers of urgent messages, to isolate himself from the throbbing world around him. Being a soldier himself, however, he was undone by his own innate lust for overcoming difficulties. He was seen hovering about, as good as asking for the instructions he most dreaded. And he got them, short and sharp, as all good military instructions should be.

If I was called upon to move a busy community from one village to another, and if the other village was discovered, upon inquiry, not to be there, I should ask for ten to twelve months' time to do it in. The C.C. asked for a fortnight, hoping to get ten days; he got a week. "It is now the 31st. We should move to the new place about the 7th," said the Highest Authority. "Let it be April 7th." Thus April 7th became permanently and irrevocably fixed. For everybody except the C.C. and his accomplices the thing was as good as done.