Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 152

JUNE 27TH, 1917

CHARIVARIA.

The favourite reading of the Sultan of TURKEY is said to be criminal literature. A gift-book in the shape of a new Life of the KAISER is about to be despatched to him.

* * *

KING ALEXANDER of Greece originally proclaimed that he would "carry out his father's sacred mandate." But when it was pointed out to him that, if this was really his desire, an opportunity of following in his father's footsteps would doubtless be granted him, he tried again.

* * *

During the last air raid we are told that the employees of one large firm started singing "Dixie Land." We feel, however, that to combat the enemy's aircraft much sterner measures must be adopted.

* * *

"The Huns' diet is low," says a correspondent of _The Daily Mail_. But then their tastes are low too.

* * *

Writing of the recent Trentino offensive, Mr. HAMILTON FYFE says that several Austrian forts captured by the Italians were built of solid ice. It is time that London had some defences of this character.

* * *

The arrival of ex-KING TINO at Lugubrioso, on the Swiss-Italian frontier, has been duly noted.

* * *

The LORD MAYOR of London has decided in future to warn the City of impending air raids. Ringing the dinner-bell at the Mansion House, it is thought, is the best way of making City men take to their covers.

* * *

A new epidemic, of which "bodily swellings" are the first symptom, is reported by the German papers. And just when the previous epidemic of head-swellings was beginning to subside.

* * *

A Marylebone boy, arrested for forgery, told the police that he had made two complete £1 notes out of paper bags. Is this the paper-bag cookery of which we have heard so much?

* * *

A market gardener told the Enfield Tribunal that a conscientious objector whom he had employed was found asleep at his work on two successive days. People with highly-strung consciences very rarely enjoy this natural and easy slumber.

* * *

The American scientist who claims to have invented a substitute for tobacco cannot have followed the movement of the age. We have been able to obtain twopenny cigars in this country for years.

* * *

An applicant who said he had six children has been given six months' exemption. A member of the Tribunal remarked that the exemption would mean one month for each child. This great discovery proved too much for the poor fellow, who is said to have collapsed immediately.

* * *

A new ship is being fitted out for Captain AMUNDSEN, who is to proceed shortly with an Arctic exploration party. In case he should discover any new land, arrangements have been made to hold a flag-day for the inhabitants, if any.

* * *

Judging by the latest reports the Stockholm Conference is like the gun that they didn't know was loaded.

* * *

Because his wife accused him of not loving her, a farmer of Husavik, Manitoba, assaulted her with a pen-knife just to show that he did.

* * *

Special "storm troops"--men picked for their youth, vigour and daring, to carry out counter-attacks--are now a feature of the German Armies. Even our ordinary British soldiers, who are constantly compelled to take these brave fellows prisoners, bear witness to the ferocity of their appearance.

* * *

Taxes on watering-places, it is announced, will be a feature of the new French Budget. It is feared that this will bear hardly on breweries and dairies.

* * *

We are not permitted to publish the name of the Foreign Office official who strolled into a Piccadilly Bar last week and ordered a Clam-Martinic cocktail.

* * *

According to a report of the National Physical Laboratory the Tower of London is moving towards the Thames. The hot weather is thought to have something to do with it.

* * *

The Board of Agriculture advises the killing of all old cocks and hens. Lively competition between the railway refreshment rooms and the tyre factories should ensure a satisfactory price.

* * *

The High Court at the Hague has ordered a new trial in the case of the Editor of the _Telegraaf_, who was sentenced for referring to "a group of rascals in the centre of Europe." The rascality of the persons in question is now deemed to be proved beyond the shadow of a doubt.

* * *

The announcement that there will be no more Sunday music at the Zoo has been received with satisfaction by the more conservative residents, who have always complained that the presence of a band tended to reduce the place to the level of a mere circus.

* * *

A well-known inn at Effingham having changed its name from the Blücher to the Sir Douglas Haig, it is further suggested that the name of the village should be changed to Biffingham.

* * * * *

* * * * *

HOW TO CURE A WOUND.

"A wounded soldier jumped or fell from a passing S.E.R. Red Cross train between Swanley Junction and Bromley to-day. The train was running at about twenty miles an hour. When picked up the man was found to be uninjured."-- _Evening Paper._

* * * * *

TITLE AND HALF-TITLE PAGES.

With a view to economy of paper, the title and half-title pages of the Volume which is completed with the present issue are not being delivered with copies of _Punch_ as hitherto; they will however be sent free, by post, upon receipt of a request.

Those readers who have their Volumes bound at the _Punch_ Office, or by other binders in the official binding-cases, will not need to apply for copies of the title and half-title pages, as these will be bound in by the _Punch_ Office or supplied direct to other binders along with the cases.

* * * * *

ALGY.

Algy, it must be admitted, is no Adonis, but at least there is something in his great round pudding-face and his cheery idiotic smile which gives one the impression of a warm and optimistic nature.

Algy is humble and not ambitious; but for all that he is doing his bit, just as you and I are doing. He never goes on strike, and if he had any money, which he never does have, I know he would invest it in War Loan. Above all he is not a food-hog; not for him the forbidden potato or the millionaire's beer--no! Against all luxuries Algy has resolutely steeled his voluminous tummy. He has turned into the strictest of teetotalers, and, though a glass of Scotch may bring a wistful look into his eyes, yet he remains captain of his soul, unbroken as ST. ANTHONY.

His job is war-work of the steeliest order, such as very few men would care to undertake. All for the cause he stands, day after day, with a little band of comrades, facing uncomplainingly the most terrible buffetings, so that men may learn from him how to strike terror into the heart of the Hun.

Needless to remark, he is beloved by all the Tommies who inflict such pain upon the region of his gaudy blue waistcoat; he never seems to care and never grouses, but beams down on them undaunted with that quaint old grin of his.

'Twas a great and solemn day when we installed him. Conspicuous by his horrible suit of reach-me-downs, supported on one side by the sergeant-major, on the other by the sergeant, he was led gently but firmly out of his billet and initiated into his honourable task.

Algy has but one grievance. He wants badly to sport a few golden stripes on his cuff. He is modest and does not push himself forward, but as he has several times been severely wounded be thinks it only fair that he should receive the coveted distinction. But the authorities will not grant his simple request because, they say, he has shed no blood.

He has outlived all his compeers; lesser men may succumb but Algy goes on. One day, I suppose, he will meet the common fate; but may that sorry day be far ahead. For we could ill spare our Algy--our dear old bayonet dummy!

* * * * *

"INDIAN WAR LOAN.--The amount applied for in Rangoon yesterday was Rs. 00,000, making the progressive total Rs. 00,00,000."--_Rangoon Times._

Nothing to boast about.

* * * * *

THE BAN ON RACING.

Dear MR. PUNCH,--In this bitter controversy I hope that a few moderate and impartial words from one, like myself, who sees clearly both sides of the question, may not be out of place. In any case I feel it is incumbent upon me to do all I can to avert the dire consequences of the frightful catastrophe that has fallen upon us through the mad act of an insensate War Cabinet. I can only say that if this is to be our spirit we are indeed defeated. Where is our devotion to manly sports, so potent in the moulding of our National character? What has become of our immemorial Right to Look On? Where is our boasted liberty, deprived as we are now to be of a chance to find the winner? What did WELLINGTON say of Waterloo? and MARLBOROUGH of Blenheim? and BOTTOMLEY of the Battle of the Somme? By what perversity of reasoning are we thus to asphyxiate the best instincts of our race?

We are said to be fighting for all that we hold sacred. Yet there is nothing that is held more sacred in every cottage home throughout the land than the Preservation of our Bloodstock. Let us not deceive ourselves. It is our supremacy in Bloodstock alone that makes possible the governess car, the milk van, the brewer's dray, the very plough itself. These are fundamental facts.

It has been suggested that, in order to avoid the assembling of frivolous crowds in war-time, races might be run in private. But that is quite impracticable. Only on the public racecourse can the lofty virtues of our British Bloodstock be displayed. The exciting presence of the crowd is absolutely essential to tune up its nerve and temper. Already our Bloodstock has suffered cruelly from gaps in the Grand Stand.

Then again there are some who actually complain that petrol is consumed in large quantities by those attending race meetings. Are we to put new heart into our enemies by letting it be known that we are short of petrol?

And finally there are some who so little understand the qualities of the Thoroughbred as to suggest that gambling should be stopped in war-time. The horse, unlike the Cabinet, is intelligent. Can he be expected to exhibit his priceless qualities of speed and stamina if no one puts his money up?

I need say no more. Such flippant legislation is bad enough at any time; during the Armageddon period it is little short of treason. One wonders when our Government will begin to realise that we are at war.

I am, Yours helpfully, as usual, STATISTICIAN.

* * * * *

THE DIARY OF A CO-ORDINATOR.

_June 17th._--Flew in an aeroplane to Los Angeles and correlated the industrial functions of the East and West. Returned to the White House for dinner, and co-ordinated grape juice with lemonade and Perrier.

_June 18th._--Breakfasted with HEARST and co-ordinated him for half-an-hour with the editor of _New York Life_, a task needing the highest diplomatic qualities. Flew to Harvard and delivered lecture on Mr. BALFOUR'S Theology as correlated with his style in golf. A great reception. Despatched report by wireless to London, Paris and Petrograd. Returned to New York in the afternoon and co-ordinated UPTON SINCLAIR, Colonel ROOSEVELT, TUMULTY and CHARLES DANA GIBSON.

_June 19th._--In the morning dictated articles for the _Novoe Vremya_, _Matin_ and _Corriere della Sera_, emphasizing the need of co-operative cosmopolitan co-ordination. Flew to Chicago to deliver supplementary lecture to that given by ARTHUR BALFOUR on ARISTOTLE. Took for my subject "Aerial Trade Routes, as co-ordinated with Terra-firma Routes for Motor-lorries." Enthusiastic reception. Co-ordinative cold collation at 9 P.M. at Philadelphia with GOMPERS, ROCKEFELLER, Mrs. ATHERTON and BILLY SUNDAY.

_June 20th._--Dictated article on the New Diplomacy for _The New York Journal_. In the afternoon co-ordinated the tenets of Shin-Toism, Christian Science and Mormonism. A heavy day.

_June 21st._--Much annoyed by report of CURZON'S extraordinary speech in the House of Lords. Called at the White House and the British Embassy to put matters right, and sent wireless to CURZON: "Nothing 'succeeds' like success."

* * * * *

"'Another medical certificate, Sir; you can't read them,' remarked a solicitor to the chairman at the Devon Appeal Tribunal (Exeter Panel), as he sought to decipher the hand- [Inverted: writing on one of those documents. Previously in the day a certificate had been handed to Lieutenant Stirling with the remark, 'You won't be able to read it.' The] resourceful military representative, however, thought he might succeed, and made the attempt."--_Exeter Express and Echo._

Standing on his head, we suppose.

* * * * *

Extract from a report of a sermon by Father BERNARD VAUGHAN:--

"They might as well go on to one of the main lines and attempt to stop one of the engines gorging from Euston to Edinburgh."--_Express and Echo_ (_Exeter_).

Perhaps it would be wiser to refer the matter to the FOOD-CONTROLLER.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

JUST SAILORS.

Betty, having made an excellent breakfast, thank you, slipped from her chair and sidled round the table to me. Her father's guests are, naturally and without exception, Betty's slaves, to do with as she deems best. To her they are known, regardless of age, either by their Christian names or as "Mr. --er." I had enjoyed the privilege of her acquaintance for five years, but was still included in the second category.

Betty has an appealing eye, freckles, and most fascinating red-gold hair, and on the morning of which I write, after preparing the attack with the first, she gently massaged my face with the second and third, the while insinuating into my own a small hand not innocent of marmalade. Betty is seven or thereabouts. "Mr. --er," she said, "what shall we be to-day?"

"Let us," I replied hastily, "pretend to be not quite at our best this morning, and have a quiet time in the deck-chairs on the lawn." Betty very naturally paid no regard whatever to this cowardly suggestion.

"I'm not quite sure," she said, "if we will be pirates or soldiers or just sailors. What do you think?"

Pirates sounded rather strenuous for so hot a day. Soldiers, I felt sure, involved my becoming a German prisoner and parading the garden paths with my arms up, crying "Kamerad!" while Betty, gun in hand, shepherded and prodded me from behind. Just sailors, on the other hand, smacked of gentle sculling exercise in the dinghy on the lake, so I said, "Let's be just sailors."

But a sailor's life, as interpreted by Betty, is no rest cure. On land it includes an exaggerated rolling gait--itself somewhat fatiguing--and intervals of active participation in that most exacting dance, the hornpipe, to one's own whistling accompaniment. At odd moments, also, it appears that the best sailors double briskly to such melodies as "Tipperary" and "Keep the Home Fires Burning."

It was only when we arrived by the lake-side that Betty observed my gumboots; instantly a return to the house in search of Daddy's nautical footgear was necessitated. This, though generous in dimensions, was finally induced to remain in position on Betty's small feet, her own boots being, of course, retained.

The dinghy was launched and, after a little preliminary wading in the gum-boots, the crew embarked. Betty's future profession will, I am sure, be that of quick-change artist. In less than ten minutes she had risen from cabin-boy to skipper, _viâ_ ordinary seaman, A.B., bo'sun and various grades of mate. My rank, which had at the outset been that of admiral, as speedily declined, until I was merely the donkey-engine greaser, whose duties appeared to include that of helmsman (Betty is not yet an adept with two sculls).

Our vessel also changed its character with lightning rapidity. It was in turn a ferry-boat--imitation of passengers descending the gangway by rhythmical patting of hand on thwart; a hospital ship chased by a submarine--cormorant's neck and head naturally mistaken for periscope; a destroyer attacking a submarine--said cormorant kindly obliging with quick diving act when approached; a food-ship laden with bananas represented by rushes culled from the banks; and a smuggler running cargoes of French wine contained in an elderly empty bottle discovered in the mud above high-water mark. It was breathless work.

The disaster occurred when Betty, against my maturer judgment, insisted upon the exploration on foot of a mangrove swamp on the shore of a cannibal-infested South Sea island. The immediate cause was a suddenly developed attachment on the part of one of Daddy's sea-boots to the mud on the lake-side. The twain refused to be parted, and the youthful explorer measured her length in the mire.

Generously overlooking my carelessness in not warning her that we were traversing a quicksand, Betty, rather shaken, very muddy and with a suspicion of tears in her voice, bound me by a blood-curdling nautical oath not to breathe a word of the mishap to Mummy, Daddy or Miss Watt, her governess. The pledge having been given, Betty, the offending boots discarded, fled to her own room by way of the back-door.

It was then twelve o'clock, and in the hour that remained before luncheon I was fertile in excuses for Betty's absence from the scene; in fact, the necessity for concealing the calamity quite marred what should have been a time of well-earned relaxation.

At last we sat down to the midday meal, and the members of the house-party began to relate their morning's adventures. Finally some thoughtless person said, "Well, Betty, and what mischief have you been up to?"

Betty, quite recovered and with a radiant smile, replied, "Oh, Mr. --er and I had a scrumptious time on the lake. We were sailors--just sailors--and did all sorts of lovely things, didn't we, Mr. --er?"

I agreed, and Betty went on to her peroration:

"And at the very end Mr. --er was a tiger and I was a little small boy, and he jumped on me out of the bushes and knocked me down in the mud" [O Betty! O unjust sailor!], "and Miss Watt came in as I was changing my things. It _was_ splendid, wasn't it--Reggie?"

_Per ardua ad astra._ I had won my promotion to the commissioned ranks of the Christian names.

* * * * *

WIMMIN.

Behind wi' the sowin', An' rent-day to meet, For first time o' knowin' John Buckham was beat; Torpedoed an' swimmin' An' fairly done in, When someone said, "Wimmin Would suit ye at Lynn."

Dal Midwood, at Mutcham, Who runs by old rules, Said, "John, don't 'ee touch em-- A pa'sel o' fules Aye dabbin' an' trimmin' Wi' powder an' pin; No, don't 'ee have wimmin, John Buckham, at Lynn."

Well, back wi' the sowin', An' rent-day to meet, I had to get goin' Or own I were beat. The banks needed trimmin'; The roots wasn't in; 'Twas either take wimmin Or walk out o' Lynn.

They came. They was pretty An' white o' the hand, But good-heart an' gritty An' chockful o' sand; Wi' energy brimmin' Right up to the chin-- An' that sort o' wimmin Was welcome at Lynn.

At ploughin' they're able, Or drainin' a fen, They'll muck out a stable As well as the men. Their praises I'm hymnin', For where would ha' bin, If it weren't for the wimmin, John Buckham, at Lynn?

W.H.O.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"The Cairo Governorate has engaged white-washers to whiten plate-forms of points from which streets branch which will be compelled by the end of next week, before the commencement of the gaz lanterns decrease take place."--_Egyptian Gazette._

The Sphinx has been requested to furnish an explanation.

* * * * *

OUR INDOMITABLES.

"THE ENGLISH GIRL.

"STANDING IN WITNESS-BOX WITHOUT A QUIVER.

"Rose ----, sixty-seven, ---- road, South Tottenham, a young girl, was a witness in a London county court when the boom of guns and detonation of bombs were heard."--_Daily Paper._

Our English girls to-day are only as old as they feel.

* * * * *

"Mrs. A. Thomson writes a vigorous protest against the carelessness with which the W.F.L. resolution urging the Prime Minister to make Woman Suffrage an integral part of the Bill, was acknowledged on his behalf. The acknowledgment was as follows:--

"'I am directed by the Prime Minister to acknowledge the receipt of the resolution which you have forwarded on the subject of the formation of a Maternity Department in the new Ministry of Health.'"--_The Vote._

But was it carelessness, or humour?

* * * * *

HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.

(_Herr Schultze and Herr Müller, privates in a Prussian regiment of Infantry._)

_Schultze._ Leave will soon be over now and we shall have to go back to the fighting.

_Müller._ Yes; it is not a very cheerful prospect.

_Schultze._ No; that is a very true saying. And, what is more, there seems no possible end to this War, though (_dropping his voice and looking round_) we all hate it from the bottom of our hearts.

_Müller._ Yes, we all hate it. Indeed the hatred between me and the War gets worse and worse every day. I don't care who hears me.

_Schultze._ Don't be too bold; one never knows who may be listening.

_Müller._ It is to become mad. Why did we ever let the ALL-HIGHEST MAJESTY begin such a war? We were all so comfortable, and then suddenly the Austrian ARCHDUKE gets himself murdered and, piff-paff, we Germans must go to war against Russia and France and England. I am very sorry for the ARCHDUKE, but there were other Archdukes to supply his place, and even if there had not been I do not think he himself was worth the four millions of killed, wounded and prisoners whom we have lost since the guns began to go off.

_Schultze._ It is terrible to think of. And the sausages get worse and worse, and the beer costs more and more and is not like beer at all.

_Müller._ And the English have good guns and plenty of them, and know colossally well how to use them; and they have millions of men--more than we have; and their soldiers are brave--almost as brave as our own soldiers. They have certainly won some victories, it seems.

_Schultze._ So it seems; but our Generals have not told us much about it.

_Müller._ And we all thought they had only a contemptible little army.

_Schultze._ Yes, that was what the ALL-HIGHEST said.