Chapter 1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 152.

January 24th, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

"They know nothing about the War in Greenland," said M. DANGAARD IENSEN to a contemporary, and now the Intelligence Department is wondering whether it didn't perhaps choose the wrong colour after all for its tabs.

***

The Governor of Greenland, giving evidence in the Prize Court last week, was greatly interested to learn that there was a well-known hymn, entitled "From Greenland's Icy Mountains." He was, however, inclined to think that the unfortunate reference to the rigorous nature of the climate would be resented by the local Publicity Committee, to whose notice he would feel it his duty to bring the matter when they were next thawed out.

***

Lord DEVONPORT has established his own Press Bureau, and it is rumoured that the Press Bureau is about to appoint its own Food Controller.

***

The American Line has advanced its First-Class fares by three pounds. It is hoped that this will effectually discourage Mr. HENRY FORD from visiting Europe for some time to come.

***

_The Times Literary Supplement_ has received 335 books of original verse in 1916. And still the authorities pretend that juvenile crime is confined to the East End.

***

A telegram despatched from London on January 22nd, 1906, which contained a polling result of the General Election then in progress, has just been received by a Witham resident, who told the messenger there was no reply.

***

"If agriculture is to flourish," says _The Daily Mail_, "it must be so conducted as to pay." It is just this sordid commercialism that distorts the Carmelite point of view.

***

The German Union for the Development of the German Language have sent a petition to the CHANCELLOR, asking that in any future Peace negotiations the German language should be used. Will German frightfulness never cease?

***

"Anybody in the Carmarthen district," says the local medical officer, "can keep a pig in the parlour if they keep it clean." The necessity of keeping the parlour clean for the sake of its guest will be easily understood by those who appreciate the fastidious taste of the pig.

***

A Hungarian paper complains that the Government treats the War as if it were merely a family affair. This contrasts unfavourably with the more broadly hospitable attitude of the Allies, who have made it abundantly clear that so far as they are concerned anyone is welcome to join in and help their side.

***

The other day a Farnham bellringer, after cycling seventy miles, rang a peal of 5,940 changes. It is not known why.

***

"War diet," says Professor ROSIN in the _Lokal Anzeiger_, "improves the action of the heart." But what the Germans really want to know is, what improves a war diet?

***

Among the goods stolen from a Crouch Hill provision merchant's the other day were eight cheeses and ten hams. As the place was much littered it is thought that the cheeses put up a plucky fight.

***

It is pointed out by experienced agriculturists that it is useless to plant potatoes unless steps are taken to destroy the insect pests. A Peterborough farmer has written a poem in _The Daily Express_ against those pests, but we fancy that if a permanent improvement is to be effected it will be necessary to adopt much sterner measures than this.

***

The recent vagaries of the Weather Controller are said to be due to one of the new railway regulations, by which you are required to "Show all seasons, please."

***

Even Nature seems upset by the War. According to _The Evening Standard_ primroses are blooming in a Harrow garden, while only the other day a pair of white spats were to be seen in the Strand.

* * * * *

* * * * *

Another Glimpse of the Obvious.

From the "Standing Orders" of a Military Hospital:--

"Officers confined to their beds will have their meals in their rooms."

* * * * *

"A gale of great fury raged at Sheffield early on Tuesday morning. Much damage was done in the city and outlying districts, a number of beings being unroofed."--_Yorkshire Paper._

Several others have been noticed to have a tile loose.

* * * * *

"The welcome, amounting to an oration, which heralded the Prime Minister, was the most remarkable feature of a very remarkable occasion." _Daily Dispatch._

Is this quite kind to the subsequent speakers?

* * * * *

"By his colleagues at Bar he has been regarded as a sound lawyer, well worthy of the high position which he had filled for little over two hundred years."--_Englishman_ (_Calcutta_).

Lord HALSBURY must look to his laurels.

* * * * *

"Mr. Clement Wragge has prepared a special weather forecast for the year 9117. His opinion is that the year will prove distinctly good." _New Zealand Times._

We infer that, in Mr. WRAGGE's opinion, the War will be over by then.

* * * * *

The Minimum.

Extract from a letter just received from H.Q. in France:--

"C.O.'s will take care that all ranks know that they must never parade before an Officer--Brigade, Regimental or Company--unless properly dressed, wearing at least a belt."

* * * * *

"The few women on the platform were dressed quietly, as befitted the occasion, the smartest person present being Mr. McKenna."--_Illustrated Sunday Herald._

Our contemporary might have told us what he wore.

* * * * *

THE GOLFER'S PROTEST.

Among the shocks that laid us flat When WILLIAM loosed his wanton hordes There fell no bloodier blow than that Which turned our niblicks into swords; And O how bitter England's cup, In what despair the order sunk her That called her Cincinnati up When busy ploughing in the bunker!

Even with those who stuck it out, Bravely defying public shame, Visions of trenches knocked about Would often spoil their usual game; Rumours of victory dearly bought, Or else of bad strategic hitches, Disturbed their concentrated thought And put them off their mashie pitches.

Now comes a menace yet more rude That puts us even further off; It says the nation's need of food Must come before the claims of golf; We hear of parties going round, Aided by local War-Committees, To violate our sacred ground By planting veg. along our "pretties."

If there be truth in that report, Then have we reached the limit, viz.:-- The ruin of that manly sport Which made our country what it is; The ravages we soon restore By conies wrought or hoofs of mutton, But centuries must pass before A turnip-patch is fit to putt on.

What! Shall we sacrifice the scenes On which our higher natures thrive Just to provide the vulgar means To keep our lower selves alive? Better to starve (or, better still, Up hands and kiss the Hun peace-makers) Than suffer PROTHERO to till The British golfer's holy acres.

O.S.

* * * * *

PERSONAL PARS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT.

(_With acknowledgments to some of our chatty contemporaries_.)

HAPPY C.-IN-C.--I saw the Commander-in-Chief to-day passing through the little village of X in an open car. He was very quietly dressed in khaki, with touches of scarlet on the hat and by the collar. I waved my hand to him and he returned the salute. It is small acts like this which endear him to all. I noticed that the Field-Marshal was not carrying his baton. Doubtless he did not wish to spoil its pristine freshness with the mud of the roads.

* * * * *

OF COURSE.--A friend in the Guards tells me that the new food restrictions do not affect the men in the trenches very seriously. Our brave soldiers are so inured to hardships by now that they willingly forgo seven-course dinners.

* * * * *

NOT STARVING.--While on the subject of food, the picture published on page 6 of to-day's issue refutes the idea that the Hun is starving. It represents the KAISER looking at some pigs. The KAISER can be distinguished by a x.

* * * * *

FASHIONS FOR MEN.--Now that mid-winter is with us it is quite a common event to meet fur-clad denizens of the firing line. Some of the new season's coats are the last word in chic, one which I noticed yesterday made of black goat, having pockets of seal coney with collar and cuffs of civet. The wearer's feet were encased in the latest style of gum boots, reaching to the thigh and fastening with a buckle. These are being worn loose round the ankle. A green steel helmet, draped in sandbag material, completed the costume. The field service cap was not being worn inside the helmet.

* * * * *

NUMBER NINE.--The Army doctors, so it seems, do not fully understand the delicate constitution of a friend of mine in the Blues, and sent him back to duty after dosing him with medicine, though he is suffering from pain in the foot. The medicine generally takes the form of a "Number Nine," the pill that cures all ills; but last time he went on sick parade they were out of stock, and he was given two "Number Fours" and a "Number One" instead. Rough-and-ready pharmacy. What?

* * * * *

SPIRITED.--Met my old chum, Sir William ----, just back from the trenches. Dear old Billy, what cigars he used to smoke in the good old days! He tells me that when on a carrying fatigue the other night one of his men dropped the earthenware receptacle which contains Tommy's greatest consolation in this terrible war, and every drop of the precious liquid was spilt. Five minutes later a Jack Johnson landed beside him and put things right. _It gave him a rum jar_. Good, eh?

* * * * *

WHERE TO LUNCH.--I am just off to lunch with my old pal, the Hon. Adolphus Lawrie-Carr, of the Motor Transport Section of the A.S.C. I have never seen him look better than he does now, in hunting stock and field boots, crop and spurs. He always gives one a first-class meal.

* * * * *

THE NEXT PUSH.--I had a most interesting conversation the other day with Alphonse, late of the Saveloy. He is on the G.H.Q. Staff in a position of high trust--something to do with the culinary arrangements, I believe--and is, of course, in the know. From what he told me confidentially I can assure all my countless readers that there will be fighting on the Western Front during 1917, and, in the words of Mr. Hilary Bullox, "If it is not prolonged until next year, the present year will certainly see the end of the War." More I cannot divulge.

* * * * *

Our Cautious Contemporaries.

"What can be said with truth is that business in the New Loan for the first two days is easily AZ per cent. better for new money than for the same period on the occasion of the last loan."--_Evening Standard_.

* * * * *

"ANCIENT ORDER OF HIBERNIANS.

State President Fee has requisitioned a large supply of stationery; he announces that he will at once begin an active canvas of the State to revive old divisions and organize new ones."--_Texas Newspaper_.

Just as if he were at home in dear old Ireland.

* * * * *

"Athens, Wednesday.

The ex-Premiers who were consulted yesterday by the iKng, were unanimously of opinion that the Entente Note was not yesterday by the King were unanimously as its acceptance would imply that Greece contemplated an attack on General Sarrail's rear."--_Continental Daily Mail_.

Yet there are some people who complain that the situation in Greece is not entirely clear.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A WAY NOT TO PAY OLD DEBTS.

"Hullo, old thing!" said Herbert gloomily; "lots of Congrats. Lucky devil, you," and he sighed unobtrusively.

I had forgotten that once upon a time Adela had refused to walk out with Herbert because of his puttees, which she said were so original that they distracted her attention from the way he proposed.

Remembering this now, I offered my cousin a sympathetic cigarette, which he, shaking himself free from care, accepted; after which he began to borrow ten pounds--an achievement which, I am proud to say, cost him nearly twenty minutes' hard labour.

Not so very long afterwards Adela and I had a honeymoon, followed by a picture-postcard from Herbert. He said he was sorry he hadn't been there to throw boots at us, but he was convalescing on the Cornish Riviera, the exact spot being marked with a cross; also one could not send money by postcard, but I was not to think he was forgetting about that fiver he had borrowed.

The first part of this document caused Adela to wonder vaguely if wounded officers ought to convalesce in chimney-pots, but the last words gave me some twinges of a more sincere alarm. Was Herbert's delusion a permanency, or merely a slip of the pen?

"Adela," I decided, "let's ask Herbert to dinner as soon as ever he leaves the roofs of the British Riviera."

Then one day, when I was writing letters in the Mess, he strolled in. "Hullo!" he said, "where's the C.O.? What?... Oh, thanks awfully, and ... Oh, I say, good Lord! I owe you three quid, don't I?" and he drifted out abstractedly.

"Three!" I echoed dizzily, as the door banged. I staggered home for the week-end.

I found Adela having an excited conversation with the telephone in the hall.

"Ooo!" she said, hanging up the receiver, "Herbert's a hero. He's just been telling me. And he's coming to dinner to-night."

"I also," I responded with emotion, "have a tale to unfold," and I unfolded it.

When at last Herbert, moving modestly under the burden of a newly acquired D.S.O., arrived at the flat, hospitality and an unaccustomed awe withheld me from referring to so sordid a matter as the inconsiderable decrease in my lately-invested capital. Herbert, however, deprecated heroics, and, as he was saying good-night, came of his own accord to the subject of debts. He was always a conscientious fellow.

"You know, old chap," he said with charming candour, as I saw him off from the doorstep, "you _must_ remind me to pay up that two quid some time. I keep forgetting, and when I do remember, like now, I haven't any money to do it with. Cheero!" The door clicked and I swooned.

It was very difficult; I could not even make up my mind whether my best policy was to stalk Herbert with vigilance or to avoid him as persistently as discipline allowed. On the one hand he wasn't the cheque-book kind of man and he wouldn't pay me unless he saw me. Contrariwise, he wouldn't even if he did, and whenever he saw me my original loan of ten gold sovereigns might continue its rapid decline. Finally I decided to abstain from his society.

Shortly after this momentous decision the War Office sent him off to some remote part of the country, and for many months our financial relations remained unaltered--at any rate in my own estimation. He was still far away when Adela II arrived, so we did our best to hush her up; we thought that if we could smuggle her to, say, the age of ten and send her to school Herbert couldn't possibly come and congratulate us about her. That only shows how much we didn't know; for Herbert procured some leave three weeks later and was excitedly mounting our stairs within a few hours.

"P'r'aps," whispered Adela bravely as he was being announced, "he'll forget about money--p'r'aps he'll even put it up a bit."

I smiled cynically, and was justified ten minutes later, when Herbert's conscience, troubled and apologetic, reminded him about that guinea he owed me.

At the christening it fell to half-a-quid, and, according to Herbert's latest allegation, it is only his rotten memory for postal-orders that prevents him from sending me that dollar at once.

And so, precariously, the matter rested till to-day, when the final blow fell from the War Office. Herbert and I are to proceed to France together next Monday. On that day, if I am ingenious and agile enough not to meet him before, we ought to be about all square; after that, as far as I can see, there will be an inevitable moment when Herbert will turn to me with, "I say, old fellow, you can't let me have that ten bob you touched me for the other day, can you? Hate to ask you, but I haven't got a sou ..." But I won't--no, I won't. I will let my imaginary debt mount up, I will let it increase even at the rate at which Herbert's has decreased, but I will not pay it. Herbert, of course, will always be kind to me about it, for he is a generous creature; and every time we go into action he will probably wring my hand and beg me not to worry about it any more.

"Old man," he will be saying on the twenty-ninth occasion, "if I got done in, promise you won't bother about that thousand pounds you owe me--remember you're to think of it as paid."

I shall remember all right.

* * * * *

* * * * *

"In a corn and meal merchant's shop, where two or three cats are kept for business purposes, the cats may be seen feeding at will from the open sacks."--_Spectator_.

This lapse on pussy's part goes rather against the grain.

* * * * *

* * * * *

POLITICAL NOTES.

BY OUR OWN PAIR OF LYNX.

There is unfortunately no truth in the rumour that, in order to provide billets for 5,000 new typists, and incidentally to win the War, the Government has commandeered the Houses of Parliament.

* * * * *

The problem of the housing of the traveller-classes when all the hotels of London have been taken over by the Government is now occupying both the waking and sleeping hours (such as they are) of the War Cabinet, and a special department of the Intelligence Department has been created to deal with it on the roof of No. 10 Downing Street. It has not yet been decided whether all visitors to London should be sent back as soon as they arrive, or whether Sir JOSEPH LYONS should reap the sole benefit of their sojourn.

* * * * *

Although the proprietors of the Hotel des Ambassadeurs, Ealing, and the Grand Hotel Riche, Mile End, have offered the Government their premises, on the most advantageous terms to themselves, no arrangement has yet been effected.

* * * * *

A deputation of officials recently visited the Zoo and made a number of measurements, but no decision has yet been reached as to whether or no it will be taken over for Government work.

* * * * *

There is absolutely no truth in the statement, circulated by some wholly frivolous or malicious person, that any of the theatres or music-halls are to be closed during the War in order to make space for workers.

* * * * *

It is rumoured that Mr. EDWARD MARSH may very shortly take up his duties as Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr. MARSH has not yet decided whether he will appoint Mr. ASQUITH or Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL as his private secretary.

* * * * *

Meanwhile a full list of the private secretaries of the new private secretaries of the members of the new Government may at any moment be disclosed to a long-suffering public.

* * * * *

The latest Captain of Commerce to be diverted from his own business for the benefit of his country is the head of the great curl industry. He will have one on his sleeve, being given commissioned rank in the Navy, and his special duty will be the control of the waves of the Channel.

* * * * *

At the invitation of the PREMIER, whose summons came to him just as he was entering his car bound for Pall Mall, Mr. HARVEY TATE has agreed to accept the portfolio of the Ministry of Road Traffic. Mr. TATE'S long experience as a motorist and familiarity with all the difficulties of motoring qualify him peculiarly for this post. One of his first tasks will be to inquire fully into the charges against the taxi varlet.

* * * * *

In spite of all rumours to the contrary, Lord NORTHCLIFFE will remain outside the new Government, but his interest in it is, at present, friendly. It is very well understood, however, that everyone must behave; for his Lordship, in one of his rare intervals of expansion, has been heard to remark that there are as good fish in the sea as ever came out of it.

* * * * *

"The Bishop of Winchester proposes to cultivate the park round big Palace at Fulham."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.

The Bishop of LONDON will, no doubt, return the compliment at Farnham.

* * * * *

WARS OF THE PAST.

(_As recorded in the Press of the period._)

VII.

_From "Tempora" (Rome)._

Admittedly, the peril is extreme. Crustumerium has fallen, and also Ostia. However, Janiculum, the key to the whole outer system of the City's defences, still stands, and there is accordingly no immediate cause for dismay. But we are strongly of the opinion--so rapid has been LARS PORSENA'S advance hitherto--that the bridge over the Tiber should be at once destroyed as a precautionary measure while there is yet time. We have every confidence in the continued capacity for resistance of the strong garrison at Janiculum, but it is necessary to be prepared for every eventuality; and if the fortress _should_ fall without the bridge being demolished the latter would inevitably be seized by the enemy, and the Tiber, our last line of defence, would be lost to us.

For the rest, the spirit of the people is excellent. It has become almost a truism to say that nowadays none is for a party, but all are for the State. Rich and poor have learned to help and respect each other. Indeed, in these brave days Romans, in Rome's quarrel, have poured out blood and treasure unsparingly for the common cause. We are like a nation of brothers.

* * * * *

_Placard of "Hesperus" (Special Phosphorus Edition)_:--

FALL

OF

JANICULUM.

* * * * *

_From "Hesperus" (Noon Edition)._

SWIFT ADVANCE OF THE ENEMY.

WAR COUNCIL MEETS.

HORATIUS TO HOLD BRIDGE-HEAD.

CAN THE BRIDGE BE DESTROYED IN TIME?

* * * * *

_The Secretary to the Senate announces_:

"The War Council met at the River Gate immediately on receipt of the news of the fall of Janiculum. It was decided to accept the offer of Port-Captain HORATIUS (S.P.Q.R.'s Own), SPURIUS LARTIUS (Ramnian Regt.), and HERMINIUS ("Titian Toughs"), who gallantly volunteered to hold the bridge-head in order to give time for the bridge itself to be destroyed. All hope of saving the town should not therefore be abandoned."

* * * * *

_From our Special Correspondent._