Part 2

Letters from the Battalion, 7000 feet below, drift up to me occasionally, but they contain little beyond the old sentiment, expressed hundreds of times daily by Territorials from the Himalayas to the Nilghiris. India is a marvellous and unique country; to have lived in it is an education and a joy; to have guarded it a proud Imperial privilege. But most of us would give something to get out of it and into Europe. Yours ever,

ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE.

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NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

XII.--THE STRAND.

The loveliest maidens in the land, Girls in rags and ladies grand, All go wandering down the Strand, Ding, dong, ding! To look for pearls in oyster-shells And listen to Saint Martin's bells, Ding, dong, ding!

Some get amber, some get jet, Silver fish-scales others get In a golden fishing-net, Ding, dong, ding! Some find crowns of seaweed there And flowers of coral for their hair, Ding, dong, ding!

All day long they have delight, Then the Thames flows in at night And sweeps the maidens out of sight. Ding, dong, ding! Down the Strand their lovely knells Echo from Saint Martin's bells, Ding, dong, ding! Ding, dong, ding!

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LIEUTENANT ALEC JOHNSTON.

A brother-officer attached to the King's Shropshire Light Infantry writes from the Front:--"I thought you would like to hear some details of the death in action of Lieutenant ALEC JOHNSTON, who used to write 'At the Front' in _Punch_. I knew him well and we were rather especial friends.

"On the night of the 21st of April the Battalion, which was resting at the time, was suddenly ordered to attack some six hundred yards of trenches which the enemy had taken two nights previously. JOHNSTON'S Company was in the centre, and, after the O.C. had been severely wounded just before we attacked, JOHNSTON led the Company and captured the position most gallantly with the bayonet. He then went on himself and personally reconnoitred the ground up to the German line. He found them massing for a counter-attack and came back and gave warning. When the enemy attacked they were driven off with heavy loss. He was indefatigable all night consolidating the recaptured position, exposing himself on top all the time in order to move about more quickly.

"At dawn, he sent the only other officer then remaining unwounded to the safest part of the trench, saying that when it got too light to stay on top he himself would get into 'the first old crump hole.' He stayed up too long, and was shot through the heart by a German sniper.

"He was a general favourite and loved by his men. He had done more dangerous patrol work than any two other officers in the battalion, and the hotter the situation the cooler he got.

"The way he used to write his articles was very characteristic of the man. I have seen him lying flat on his face in a tiny dug-out no bigger or higher than the underneath of a small dinner-table, in the front line trench, dashing off the first half of one of his quaint articles to _Punch_. He would have to stop in the middle and crawl out on patrol up to the German wire, have a scrap out there with a Bosch patrol at a few yards' range, stay out for two or three hours, and crawl back, soaked to the skin and covered with mud, to finish his article in time for the post.

"His name had already gone in for distinction, and if he had lived he certainly would have had a decoration conferred for his work in this last show.

"As you probably know, his articles were awfully appreciated by every one out here, and in his quaintly witty way he caught perfectly the spirit 'at the Front.'"

* * * * *

ROYAL ACADEMY--SECOND DEPRESSIONS.

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* * * * *

THE CONVALESCENT.

We've billards, bowls, an' tennis-courts; we've teas an' motor-rides; We've concerts nearly every night, an' 'eaps o' things besides; We've all the best of everything, as much as we can eat-- But my 'eart--my 'eart's at 'ome in 'Enry Street.

I'm askin' Sister every day when I'll be fit to go; "We must 'ave used you bad," she says, "you want to leave us so;" I says, "I beg your pardon, Nurse; the place is bad to beat, But my 'eart--my 'eart's at 'ome in 'Enry Street."

The sheffoneer we saved to buy, the clock upon the wall, The pictures an' the almanack, the china dogs an' all-- I've thought about it many a time, my little 'ome complete, When in Flanders, far away from 'Enry Street.

It's 'elped me through the toughest times (an' some was middlin' tough); The 'ardest march was not so 'ard, the roughest not so rough; It's 'elped me keep my pecker up in victory an' defeat, Just to think about my 'ome in 'Enry Street.

There's several things I sometimes want which 'ere I never see; I'd like some chipped potatoes' an' a kipper to my tea; But most of all I'd like to feel the stones beneath my feet Of the road that takes me 'ome to 'Enry Street.

They'll 'ave a little flag 'ung out, they'll 'ave the parlour gay With crinkled paper round about, the same as Christmas Day; An' out of all the neighbours' doors the 'eads'll pop to greet Me comin' wounded 'ome to 'Enry Street.

My missis--well, she'll cry a bit an' laugh a bit between; My kids'll climb upon my knees--there's one I've never seen; An' of all the days which I 'ave known there won't be one so sweet As the day when I go 'ome to 'Enry Street!

* * * * *

"I can only add that neither total prohibition nor no prohibition will have any more effect on the course and conclusion of this war than Mrs. Malaprop's besom had on the Atlantic Ocean."--_Letter in a Provincial Paper._

_Mrs. M._ should have called in the assistance of _Mrs. Partington_.

* * * * *

"It should be as widely known as possible that if people found a baby when there was the slightest possibility of a person being still alive, it was their duty to cut it down if hanging, or take it out of the water, if it was a case of drowning."--_Provincial Paper_.

But what is one to do if it is merely squalling in a perambulator?

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* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

* * * * *

_Monday, May 8th._--It was a relief to pass from the sombre theme of judgment passed on Irish rebels to the quiet humours of Daylight-Saving. Sir HENRY NORMAN was perhaps a little over-anxious to be playful; and some of his rather ancient jokes gave obvious pain to Mr. PEARCE, who once carried a Daylight-Saving Bill through its second reading without any such frivolous aids.

There was little opposition. Sir FREDERICK BANBURY once more appeared in his favourite character of the conscientious objector. He was not on this occasion "the champion of the suffering rich," as Mr. DUKE called him the other day, but the defender of the humble milkman, who already had to rise before dawn for the greater part of the year, and might, I gathered, be subject to unworthy suspicions if he performed his functions before the dew was off the grass. Lord HUGH CECIL, who thought the proposal to put on the clock smacked of "the tricks of the lowest class of journalism," is understood to have been referring to those remarkable examples of advanced literature, the "_6.30 News_" and "_7.0 Star_."

The INFANT SAMUEL, as my esteemed predecessor used to call him, disclaimed the idea that he had become "a presumptuous JOSHUA." The Government only supported the proposal because it would help us during the War by saving coal.

Sir HENRY DALZIEL is the proprietor of a newspaper, one of whose most piquant features is a column entitled "Secret History of To-day," in which one may read dark hints of Society scandals and political intrigues. Naturally enough he objects to the new regulation forbidding reference to the proceedings of the Cabinet. He had effective backing on this occasion from Mr. WALTER ROCH, who in a speech admirable alike in tone and substance appealed to the Government in their own interests to withdraw a ukase, under which, if strictly applied, Ministers themselves would be the first to suffer. The Government lived too much in a balloon (have they not just appointed a quartette of lawyers to overhaul the Royal Flying Corps?), and would be the better for anything that brought them into closer touch with their fellow-citizens.

After an excited protest by Mr. O'BRIEN against the executions in Ireland it was not, perhaps, a fortunate moment for Sir JOHN LONSDALE to suggest that the Military Service Bill should be extended to Ireland. Mr. ASQUITH was sympathetic in principle to the idea, but made it plain that in practice it was impossible, since Mr. REDMOND was opposed to it. Sir EDWARD CARSON thought the fact deplorable while recognising its cogency; but he suggested that if the Nationalist leader was the indirect Governor of Ireland he should be given the responsibility instead of exercising it second-hand. Mr. REDMOND promptly denied that he had either power or responsibility; otherwise the recent occurrences in Ireland would, he alleged, not have happened. Mr. CHURCHILL, now home from the Front on unlimited leave, drew from these two speeches the inference that the future of Ireland depended upon their authors sinking their differences and acting together, and expressed the sanguine view that the Irish Question was nearing a settlement. Members, recalling similarly sanguine prophecies from the same source about Gallipoli and the German Navy, were not so much impressed as they were meant to be.

* * * * *

THE SUMMER-TIME BILL.

(_How the lower creation threatens to ignore it_).

_Wednesday, May 10th._--Among the Distinguished Strangers in the Gallery was a deputation from the Russian Duma, led by its Vice-President. Unfortunately M. PROTOPOPOFF and his colleagues did not see our Parliament at its best. In the Commons the Nationalist factions were noisily assailing the PRIME MINISTER with protests against the executions of the rebel leaders, and ultimately succeeded in inducing him to give them a day for what must in the circumstances be a premature discussion.

Then our Russian friends went to the Lords, where they found a discussion on Ireland actually in progress. It was started by Lord LOREBURN, who accused the Government of having neglected the elementary duty of protecting the law-abiding population, and urged upon them collectively the necessity of being as candid as Mr. BIRRELL had been individually. The War had furnished many instances of the danger to national interests of silence carried to excess. Then Lord MIDLETON rehearsed a grim catalogue of cases in which the Irish police had been instructed to shut their eyes to seditious offences.

Happily the Russian visitors had left before Lord CREWE rose to make the Government's defence, for I am afraid that they would not have carried away a high impression of Ministerial eloquence or Ministerial statesmanship.

_Thursday, May 11th._--To Mr. REDMOND'S obvious annoyance Mr. DILLON developed a savage attack on the military authorities. They, one gathered, were brutal murderers; the Sinn Feiners, on the contrary, were gallant if misguided patriots of whom he was proud. The PRIME MINISTER, mildly observing that Mr. DILLON had forgotten some of the elementary rules of justice, brought the debate back to the level of common sense by contrasting the small number of executions with the heavy toll of military and civilian life that the rebels had taken. Repeating his _coup_ of two years ago, when he went to the War Office after the Curragh incident, he now announced his immediate intention to go to Ireland, in the hope of discovering some arrangement for the future which would commend itself to all parties. Some of the difficulties that Mr. ASQUITH will encounter in his laudable enterprise were indicated by Mr. HEALY, who hoped that he would put an end to Dublin Castle and the jobbery that had been carried on there by Mr. REDMOND and his friends.

In the Lords the Government's Irish policy was again assailed from all sides; but more damaging even than the attacks was Lord LANSDOWNE'S defence. He actually blamed Lord MIDLETON for having contented himself with warning the CHIEF SECRETARY and the PRIME MINISTER of the dangerous happenings in Ireland, and not having come to him (Lord LANSDOWNE), or to Mr. BALFOUR, or to Mr. LONG. This new doctrine of collective irresponsibility seems fairly to justify the definition, "A Coalition is something that does not coalesce."

* * * * *

"Imports in truth have been so small that the run on home produce has been more or less forced."--_Eastern Daily Press._

The Press Bureau will have to be more economical with it than ever.

* * * * *

"Wellington said that the battle of Waterloo was won upon the cricket fields of England. Later--decades later--the bronzed and lithe-limbed athletes of the island kingdom gazed in open-eyed bewilderment upon the flaming indictment of Kipling, 'The muddled oafs at the wicket; the flannelled fools at the gate,' and seeking vainly to follow the poet's logic."

_New York Times._

Presented in this form it would baffle anybody.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PETHERTON'S PARROT.

Matters are getting worse between Petherton and myself; in fact if any friendship had ever existed between us I am afraid one would say that we are now in a state of complete estrangement, resulting from the invasion of my premises by his parrot, and the ensuing correspondence. My opening gambit was as follows:--

DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--My immediate object in addressing you is to ask whether by any chance you have lost a parrot, because a bird of that species flew through an open bedroom window of my house this morning without invitation or encouragement from us.

I am inclined to think that the bird is yours, but have nothing but what I might term the synthetic process of reasoning for arriving at this conclusion. If you have lost anything of a parroty nature, and will write me a description of it, I will see whether it tallies with the bird in whose possession we are. I describe the situation in this way because it more truly expresses it than the converse would do.

Yours faithfully,

H. J. FORDYCE.

Petherton countered with the following:--

SIR,--In reply to your absurdly worded letter I have lost a parrot, a grey one. I do not know why you should have inferred that the bird at your place belongs to me, unless you had already heard that mine is missing, in which case I should have thought the proper course would have been to return it.

I suppose, however, that to a person of your nature such a simple procedure would have been impossible. The writing of unnecessary, stupid and rather annoying letters seems to be an obsession with you.

I shall be obliged by your giving the bird to the bearer of this note.

Yours truly,

FREDERICK PETHERTON.

The yeast of controversy was evidently beginning to work, and I kept it going with:--

DEAR PETHERTON,--What a noble literary effort is yours, but, if I may be allowed to criticise it, it seems to me that while your technique is almost faultless there is lack of a sense of values in the composition. Word-painting is a delightful art, but surely in this case the most important feature should have been a telling description of your missing bird. The mere outward hue of the parrot is not sufficient; I wanted you to describe its habits, accomplishments and the colour of its language; and in face of your meagre description I should not feel justified in handing over this bird to you, in spite of its being a grey one.

Mind you, I believe you belong to this parrot, but I should like further proof. I have made no other inquiries in Surbury, but possibly someone else in the neighbourhood may have a grey parrot on the loose.

Trusting to have a satisfactory reply at your leisure,

I am,

Yours faithfully,

H. J. FORDYCE.

Petherton by this time was up on his hind legs. He wrote:--

Confound you, Sir! The bird is undoubtedly mine. It is grey, talks a little, and puts its head on one side after the manner of its kind. I need not give you a fuller description of it; you know perfectly well the bird is mine, and if you do not return it at once I shall take legal steps for the recovery of my property.

FREDERICK PETHERTON.

DEAR FRED,--I am sorry you should be so upset by the loss of a bird that must have been a cause of considerable embarrassment to you at times, that is if the bird which at present conducts our _ménage_ is yours.

If you would only provide me with a list of the phrases most favoured by your parrot I should be able to come to a definite conclusion on the point of ownership. In a general way the bird here tallies with your description.

As you practically ask for their name, my solicitors are Messrs. Smith, Smith, Smith & Jones, which may be algebraically expressed (though not on the envelope) as 3 (_Smith_) + _Jones_.

In the event of your going on the war-path these gentlemen would accept service of any billets-doux on my behalf.

Yours,

HARRY J. FORDYCE.

P.S.--If you have any sort of book explaining how to subpoena a parrot, do lend it me like a good chap. If I find it necessary to call it (the parrot), its evidence will have to be heard _in camerâ_, I fancy.

This elicited from Petherton:--

SIR,--As my parrot has now been in your possession for several days it is more than possible that it has acquired a taste for strong language. It certainly was a model of propriety before it strayed on to your premises.

Unless the bird is back in my possession before the 29th inst. I shall instruct my solicitors to serve a writ upon yours, without further warning or intimation of any kind, as I consider your behaviour most unwarrantable, though characteristic.

Fflly. yours,

FREDK. PETHERTON.

I sent the bird back the next morning, the 28th, with a note:--

DEAR FREDDY,--The bird itself has at last provided me with the proof which you were unable or unwilling to supply. Among a string of other rather fruity remarks which it made while we were at breakfast this morning it indulged--vicariously, one assumes--in a hope as to my future which has removed any traces of doubt lingering in my mind as to the bird's ownership.

My wife and maid-servant were present, and as the remark was a very comprehensive one and indicated me by name I am not sure that an action for libel would not lie against you.

But I am not vindictive, so return the bird to a more fitting _milieu_.

Yours,

HARRY.

I am still waiting for Petherton's letter of thanks.

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* * * * *

Another Impending Apology.

"The majority of the blockading officers are drawn from the Royal Naval Reserve, whose skill in seamanship is a byeword."

_Bournemouth Daily Echo._

* * * * *

From "Mrs. Gossip's" account, in _The Daily Sketch_, of the audience at the Serbian matinée at Drury Lane:--

"Every one I knew was there. Queen Alexandra looked dignified and gracious in black and white. With her were the Princess Royal, Princess Victoria, Princess Maud of Fife ... and Princess Arthur of Connaught."

We trust that Her Majesty and the four Princesses were conscious of this friendly recognition.

* * * * *

From a description of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S meeting at Conway:--

"This gathering was originally fixed for Saturday, the 29th ult., but was postponed for a week to meet the right hon. gentleman's convenience.

The interval of waiting was spent in listening to songs and choruses."

What lungs these Welsh folk have!

* * * * *

"The Gardens and Deer Park will be thrown open to the Public ... Children under 14 unaccompanied by their Parents and Dogs not admitted."--_Gloucester Citizen._

We understand that some parents consider the wording of this notice a little derogatory.

* * * * *

AT THE PLAY.

"HAMLET."

Mr. MARTIN HARVEY has evidently approached this high matter of the SHAKSPEARE Tercentenary celebration with the sincerity and thoughtfulness which have so often laid us under debt to him. He makes you feel that his heart is more with his "darling" author than with any other lesser man. It is only an implacable public that has attached him so persistently to the steps of a guillotine against a blood-red sky.