did. Theer ain't no standin' up agen rain!

_F. Ryemouth._ I dunno as I wouldn't as lief hev rain as sun. My "Hanti-Freckle Salves" all blistered up and peeled afoor the summer was 'ardly begun a'most.

_F. Lackaday._ 'Tis a turr'ble 'ard climate to make 'ead against, is ourn. I've 'eard tell as some farmers are takin' to they enamelled hiron affairs, same as they used to hev when I wur a lad. I mind theer wur a crop o' "Read Comic Cagmag" as lingered on years arter the paper itself. Not as I hold with enamelling, myself--'tain't what I call 'igh farmin'--takes too much outer the land in _my_ 'pinion.

_F. Fretwail._ Aye, aye. "Rotation o' boards." Say, "Spooner's Sulphur Syrup" fur a spring crop, follered with some kind o' soap or candles, and p'raps cough lozengers, or hembrocation, or bakin' powder, if the soil will bear it, arterwards--that's the system _I_ wur reared on, and theer ain't no better, 'pend upon it!

_F. Ryemouth._ I tell 'ee what 'tis; it's time we 'ad some protection agen these yere furrin advartisements. I was travellin' along the Great Northern tother day, and I see theer was two or three o' them French boards nigh in ivery field, a downright shame an' disgrace I call it, disfigurin' the look o' the country and makin' it that ontidy--let alone drivin' honest British boards off the land. Goverment ought to put a stop to it; that's what _I_ say!

_F. Lackaday._ They Parliment chaps don't keer _what_ becomes of us poor farmers, they don't. Look at last General Election time. They might ha' given our boards a turn; but not they. Most o' they candidates did all their 'tisin' with rubbishy flags and balloons--made in Japan, Sir, every blamed one o' them! And they wonder British Agriculture don't prosper more!

_F. Ryemouth._ Speakin' o' queer ways o' hadvertisin', hev any on ye set eyes on that farm o' young FULLACRANK'S? Danged if iver _I_ see sech tomfool notions as he's took up with in all _my_ born days!

_F. Fretwail._ Why, what hev he bin up to _now_, eh?

_F. Ryemouth._ Well, I thought I shud ha' bust myself larfin' when I see it fust. Theer ain't not a board nor a sky sign; no, nor yet a 'oarding, on the 'ole of his land!

_F. Lackaday._ Then how do he expect to get a profit out of it?--that's what _I_ want to year.

_F. Ryemouth._ You'll 'ardly credit it, neighbours, but he's been buryin' some o' they furrin grains, hoats and barley, an' I dunno what not, in little 'oles about his fields, so as to make the words, "Use FADDLER'S Non-farinaceous Food"--and the best on it is the darned young fool expecks as 'ow it'll all sprout come next Aperl--he do indeed, friends!

_F. Fretwail._ Flyin' in the face o' Providence, I calls it. He must ha' gone clean out of his senses!

_F. Lackaday._ Stark starin' mad. I never heerd tell o' such extravagance. Why, as likely as not, 'twill all die off o' the land afore the year's out--and wheer wull he be _then?_

_F. Ryemouth._ Azackly what I said to 'en myself. "You tek my word for it," I sez, "'twun't niver come to no good. The nateral crop for these yere British Hisles," I told 'en, "is good honest Henglish hoak an' canvas," I sez, "and 'tain't the action of no sensible man, nor yet no Christian," sez I, "to go a drillin' 'oles and a-droppin' in houtlandish seeds from Canada an' Roosha, which the sile wasn't never intended to bear!"

_Farmers Fretwell and Lackaday._ Rightly spoke, neighbour RYEMOUTH, 'twas a true word! But theer'll be a jedgement on sech new-fangled doin's, and, what's moor, you and I will live fur to see it afore we're very much older!

[_They all shake their heads solemnly as scene closes in._

* * * * *

"PISTOLS BILL."--SIR, I am not much of a newspaper reader, but I flatter myself on being a fair Shakspearian student. Judge my delight, then, Sir, on seeing that "Pistols Bill" was recently the subject of parliamentary discussion. I "read no more that day," but, satisfied with the heading, at once write to you to know if "Falstaff's Bill" (with the small item of "bread" in it) will next come under discussion? I am, indeed, rejoiced to find that our British Parliament has now before it a subject worthy of consideration.

Yours, A WORSHIPPER OF THE BARD.

* * * * *

SPORTING QUERY.--Why is it pretty certain that Captain GRATWICKE, of the National Rifle Association, will not run a horse, or if he does he will not employ the jockey he had originally intended, for this year's Derby? Because at a meeting of the N. R. A. it was announced that "Captain GRATWICKE withdrew his proposed rider."

* * * * *

* * * * *

"LITERATURE AND ART."

[The Table of Contents of the _Yellow Book_ has two sub-titles, "Literature" and "Art."]

No possibility of doubt Can stop us now in finding out What "literature" should be; No longer dazed by rival claims, We read a row of deathless names, Not yet renowned, but would-be.

Not "letterpress," or other word As modest, that would be absurd, Contemptuous and slighting; But "literature," which for long, It may be right, it may be wrong, Has meant the best of writing.

Those duller minds which once essayed To ply the literary trade, Poor SHAKSPEARE, DANTE, HOMER, Did not describe their feebler work As "literature." GIBBON, BURKE Avoided this misnomer.

The art of writing now we learn. Should POE or WYCHERLY return They would not be neglected. The corpses, tombs and worms of one, The other's plain, outspoken fun, Would never be rejected.

But anyone may marvel why Sane persons read, and even buy, A page, a word, a letter Of this new school, yet hardly know The works of WYCHERLY or POE, So infinitely better.

Still literature is but a part; These pages also teach us "art," Surpassing TINTORETTO. _Allegro_, not in MILTON'S way, But, with the modern meaning, "gay"; Not too gay, _allegretto_.

VELASQUEZ, you were but an ass, Like REMBRANDT, TITIAN, alas! All despicable duffers. And ROMNEY, REYNOLDS (poor old fool!) And GAINSBOROUGH, a simple school Of blundering old buffers.

At last we know what art should be. A subject which we cannot see, In spite of all our trying; The portraits not like anyone, The landscapes, though not "well begun," "Half done" there's no denying.

And BEARDSLEY shows us now the nude; It would not shock the primmest prude, Or rouse the legislature. An unclothed woman, ten feet high, Could not make anyone feel shy; She's "art," she is not nature.

* * * * *

TENIFICATION.

(_By the Birmingham Oracle._)

The "units" or "areas" of London, However you turn 'em or twist 'em, Must be ranged--or the Capital's _un_done-- On the (Birmingham) Decimal System, For London's just ten times as big As the Midland's Miraculous Model. For the L. C. C. care not a fig, Their "Unification" is twaddle: Lord! what can such novices know Of the right size for Municipalities? Sir JOHN should take council with JOE, Who is old, and has dealt with realities. Great PLATO might prate about "types," Which were stored in some limbo ideal. His eye modern Brummagem wipes, 'Tis the standard for all, and 'tis real. No. London's "divides" must be Ten! 'Tis no matter what you'll be terming 'em, But surely 'tis clear to all men That _they mustn't be bigger than Birmingham_!

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday Night, February 25._--Glasgae setting its house in order. Local authorities have drafted Bill regulating domestic institutions. One of a class that come regularly to Westminster. House knows nothing of particulars, but is final arbiter. This Bill, like many others of same kind, would have passed without notice, if lynx eye of JEMMY LOWTHER had not chanced to fall upon it. Horrified to discover its many infringements of personal liberty. Glasgae bailies well known for what ASQUITH would call their "almost convulsive" purity. Only the other day they sternly repressed artistic enterprise whose development was unaccompanied by what they regard as adequacy of clothing. In this Bill they leave nothing untouched.

Happily, whustling on the Sabbath is a crime long ago stamped out on the banks of the Clyde. But there are other habits indigenous to headlong youth which Glasgae is determined to put down. Boys have been known, for example, unlawfully to run behind a tramcar, following up the vehicle with felonious intent of obtaining a free ride, probably in the opposite way they were going when they met the conveyance, and were attracted by the opportunity furnished by the conductor collecting fares on the roof. They would be well advised, after the Glasgae Corporation Police Bill is passed, to forego that delirious delight. As CROSS, apologetically presenting himself as Glasgae citizen and Glasgae Member, put it, if the Bill passed, no cat could catch a mouse, no dog might worry a rat in Glasgae, without being subject to a penalty of forty shillings. A similar fine awaits a man upon conviction of having exposed to public view a leg of mutton, unless it be decently draped.

Effect of Bill upon CALDWELL a little painful to Members sitting near him. Lashed himself into appalling fury. Desiring, with national economic instinct, to make one effort simultaneously serve two purposes, he pitched his voice in a key upon which, whilst ostensibly addressed to SPEAKER in Chair, it might be heard in Glasgae. Something weird-looking about CALDWELL when he thus from his seat in House of Commons whispers in ear of constituents in far-off Lanark. The startled stranger crossing Palace Yard and hearing the voice grow more thundrous as he advances, pictures to himself a man in a towering rage. Reaching House he will find upright behind Treasury Bench a man decently dressed in black, without the slightest flash of expression on his face, roaring with volume of sound that would cause to blush any stray bull of Bashan meditatively making its way down Sauciehall Street, pricking up its ears at the reverberation brought northward across the timorous Tweed.

As CAWMEL-BANNERMAN, suffering on the bench below, observed, "It really doesn't seem fair that a man should, with perfectly placid face and mien, continuously roar in this fashion. If he were in Glasgae under this Police Bill, he would immediately be wrapped up in a decent cloth and fined forty shillings."

_Business done._--ASQUITH moves for leave to bring in Welsh Disestablishment Bill. "Sheer political cant of the most nauseous kind," was HICKS-BEACH'S genial description of HOME SECRETARY'S argument.

_Tuesday._--"The world," said CHESNEY, speaking just now in debate on EVERETT'S motion, "is divided into two classes, people who understand the subject, and people who do not. The former are all bimetallist, the latter are gradually going over."

I fancy I must be going over; certainly I don't understand the subject. Thankful, therefore, for opportunity to hear EVERETT discourse on it. A tall, grave-looking man, with a touch of sadness suggestive of long brooding over bimetallic theories. In fullness of design to instruct House, went back all the way to JULIUS CÆSAR. Finally arrived in Garden of Eden; recalled fact that originally, in time of primeval peace and prosperity, two people walked in it. This principle of duality ran through everything. "There are, for example," said EVERETT, swinging his pince-nez between finger and thumb in convincing manner, "white corn and red corn, white grapes and black grapes." ("White sand and grey sand," hummed WILFRID LAWSON, waking up out of sleep.) "Nature has given to each of us two eyes for the common purpose of sight, two ears to hear withal, two hands and two legs." ("What about the Isle of Man?" asked ROCHFORT MAGUIRE. "Understand they have three legs there.")

"We are created in two sexes," EVERETT continued, half closing his eyes and paying no attention to the voice of the scorner; "whose highest purpose is fulfilled only when they are married."

Here he opened his eyes and glanced significantly at MAGUIRE. ROCHFORT blushed. Wished he hadn't interfered.

These arguments, new in controversy of long standing, proved surprisingly conclusive. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD spoke for hour and a half, vehemently declaring that he would have nothing to do with bimetallism, would not touch it with a pair of tongs.

"Sorry to interrupt the right hon. gentleman," said EVERETT; "but he has just alluded to another instance of the infinitude of the principle of duality. Did any hon. Member ever see a tong? No, always a pair. _Toujours_ two, as the French say."

SQUIRE finished up by announcing he would accept EVERETT's amendment, though most careful to protest that it really meant nothing, least of all approval of the heresy of bimetallism.

"You may say what you please," said COURTNEY; "so long as you take our resolution."

Then the bimetallists jubilantly went home arm in arm.

"Arm in arm, of course," said EVERETT, driving off in a pair-wheeled hansom. "Still another illustration of the irresistible, illimitable principle of duality. Wish, by the way, I'd mentioned when on the subject that the result of marriage is occasionally twins. One of those things--or should I say two of those things?--a fellow always thinks of on the staircase."

_Business done._--SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, swearing he would ne'er consent to bimetallism, consented to adopt resolution put forward by bimetallists.

_Friday_, 2 A.M.--Few people know, even suspect, what takes place here when we have a "nicht wi' Burns," or rather an early morning. Not known, because few Southerners remain to witness orgie: no English paper reports it. According to beneficent Standing Order, ordinary debate stands adjourned at midnight. Members go home, whether work in hand accomplished or not. One curious exception to rule. Scotch Members, accustomed to get a little more for their money than other sections of community, managed to carry amendment whereby matters relating to educational affairs North of the Tweed may be discussed all night if necessary. Accordingly, from time to time, when ordinary business of sitting wound up, Scotch Members clan together and make a night of it.

Happened just now. At midnight Welsh Disestablishment Bill brought in; Members troop off leaving what JOKIM irreverently calls "a Pict selection of Scots." Business on hand related to Universities (Scotland) Act, 1889. So it appears on Order. First business actually is to bring in the haggis. MACFARLANE told off for this duty, because he's only member who, being resident in London, has his kilt handy. Also there is a subtle, inexpressed feeling that his flowing beard (when it can be kept out of the haggis-dish) gives a bardic appearance to ceremony. Dr. FARQUHARSON preceeds him with bagpipes, which seemed to-night to have just a slight touch of influenza. CALDWELL brews a peck o' maut; "Cald without" they call it, in spite of the rising steam and the stirred-up sugar. But a Scotchman, as DONALD CURRIE admits, is not to be done out of a joke on account of a few awkward details in the way of matters of fact. No pipes are allowed except those in FARQUHARSON'S hands, but they manage to face deprivation, and have, on the whole, a merry evening. Joining hands round table, on which lay the astonished Mace, we sang "_Auld Lang Syne_" just now, and so home to bed.

Don't quite know what became of the Universities (Scotland) Act, 1889. Fancy we repealed it. _Business done_ (_earlier in sitting_).--Welsh Disestablishment Bill brought in.

_Friday, Midnight._--Best day's work since Session opened. At morning sitting ASQUITH moved for leave to bring in two important measures, and got it. If things go on at this rate HOME SECRETARY will soon be known as ASK-WITH-SUCCESS. At night useful discussion on Post Office contract with Telephone Company. When SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE interposed everybody thought he was going to show that all the evil dilated upon came from having PREMIER in the House of Lords. Didn't even mention ROSEBERY, unless he meant to include him in condemnation of "financiers and other disreputable persons."

_Business done._--Bills brought in to Amend Factories and Workshop Act and Truck Acts.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE COLD-TUBBER.

He had read of the frigid fanatics who tub In a pool in the Park through the ice, So he took a rough towel his body to scrub, He sped to the Park,--quite avoiding the Pub,-- He stripped in a blizzard, Which pierced to his gizzard. And shrivelled his skin till he looked like a lizard, Plunged, shuddered, shrank, stammered, "_How_ n-n-n-n-ice!" But when through the laurels I happened to glance, I found he was--doing the Serpentine Dance, With a stiff frozen towel, ten paralysed toes, And an unripe tomato in place of a nose!

* * * * *

QUEER QUERIES.

PURE BEVERAGES.--What is cocoa? I write to ask because our grocer says it has just been legally decided that a mixture containing eighty per cent. of flour and sago, and the rest genuine nibs, deserves to be called by that name. Is this really the law? He also tells me that in the Navy our sailors quite enjoy a cocoa that is half composed of "foreign fats." If so, is our Admiralty justified in getting its fat from abroad instead of supporting home industries? And when Jack Tar asks for cocoa, ought not he to get it? At all events, I have decided to pay my grocer's next bill with eighty per cent. of French pennies, and see how he likes _that!_--SOUL OF HONOUR.

* * * * *

AN ADDITIONAL "LABOUR OF HERCULES."--To fill, for the second time, the post of Governor of the Cape and High Commissioner of South Africa, to which Sir HERCULES ROBINSON is appointed.

* * * * *

"ALONE! ALONE!"--Very like a wail. It has a sad sound, but not a bad look when written as "A Loan in London." Specially if it be the American.

* * * * *