Part 2

Who aye withholds the claps and cheers That others give? Who jeers and sneers At all he sees and all he hears? The Deadhead.

Who loudly, as the drama's plot Unfolds, declares the tale a lot Of balderdash and tommy-rot? The Deadhead.

Who dubs the actors boorish hinds? Who fault with all the scenery finds? Who with disgust his molars grinds? The Deadhead.

Who spreads dissatisfaction wide 'Mongst those who else with all they spied Had been extremely satisfied? The Deadhead.

Who runs us down for many a day, And keeps no end of folks away That else would for admittance pay? The Deadhead.

Who keeps his reputation still, For recompensing good with ill With more than Pandemonium's skill? The Deadhead.

Who makes the bankrupt's doleful doom In all its blackness o'er me loom? Who'll bring my grey head to the tomb? The Deadhead.

* * * * *

"THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE NAVY."

(_Adapted to the Requirements of the Army._)

"There was no doubt about it," queried the Quartermaster to the Adjutant, "the Chief certainly desired me to execute him?"

"That is unquestionably my impression," replied the Adjutant.

"Yes, and it never does to question his orders," continued the Quartermaster; "it makes him so wild if he fancies that you are disobeying his commands."

"Quite so," admitted the Adjutant; "and so the best thing is to carry them out. As you know, obedience is 'the first law of a soldier.'"

"Still, to shoot a man for nothing, does seem a _little_ hard."

"How do we know it's for nothing? You may be sure the Chief has his own reasons for everything."

And so the two warriors walked to the barrack square and sent for the unfortunate Private THOMAS ATKINS. As the order was conveyed to the quarters of the rank and file, men lounged out of the mess-room, and discussed the Colonel's orders. It seemed "a bit strange," but it was not for them to dispute the chief's command. And, as they spoke, Private THOMAS ATKINS was produced. He had a clean defaulter's sheet.

"On my word, I really trust that there may be some mistake," said a Brigade-Surgeon-Lieutenant-Colonel M.D. "But, as I am not now attached to the battalion, I have no right to interfere."

Private THOMAS ATKINS was marched to a wall, ordered to right-about turn, and then (under the command of the Quartermaster) shot.

Then the civil power, in the person of a police-constable, thought it time to interfere, and arrested the officer immediately in command.

"Dear me!" exclaimed the Colonel, subsequently; "how exceedingly absurd! I wanted the Quartermaster to give him a new suit, and he thought I asked him to shoot him! You fellows really ought to be more careful!"

But nothing could be done, because the matter had passed into the hands of the civil power.

And, all things taken into consideration, it was just as well that they had.

* * * * *

THE BALLAD OF DEPARTED PIPPINS.

(_Some Way after Villon and Rossetti._)

Tell me, now, where has _it_ departed, That fine old apple, the Ribstone Pippin, The rosy-coated, and juicy-hearted, I loved, when a "nipper," my teeth to slip in?

Where is the Russet we boys thought rippin'? (Though its sharpness sometimes started the tears?) Oh! such-like often I've spent my "tip" in-- But where are the apples of earlier years?

Where's the King Pippin, the sun-brown one? And where is the Catshead, light Spring green? (Which gave, while eating, such glorious fun, If--after munching--some dule and teen)? And where is the Golden Knob, whose sheen Would draw the wasps all about our ears? (Sometimes in our mouths, if they were not seen)-- But where are the apples of earlier years?

White watery things from the land of the Yankee, And sugary shams from the Austral seas, They sell us--at sixpence per pound! No, thankee! I have no palate for frauds like these. There's not an apple that now could please Poor EVE so much as to waken fears. Ah, the luscious Pippins youth crunched at ease! But where are the apples of earlier years?

Nay, never ask if your fruiterer's heard Of "a decent pippin" (the huckster sneers!) Except with this for, an overword-- But where _are_ the apples of earlier years?

* * * * *

RATHER MIXED.--In the sale of wines at CHRISTIE'S last week, Lot 136 is described as "3 dozen of sherry, 1842, been to West Indies, more or less." Now, why this mystery? Why not make a clean breast of it? Is it meant that the sherry called in at only one or two of the Indies? or did it only set half way on the voyage to the group? We should learn more or be told less.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THROUGH THE LOCK.

Grand Old Puntsman pipes up:--

"_Lock! Lock! Lock!_" Heaven be thanked, we're through it! Spite of crush, and jam, and shock, _That's_ the way to do it! Now for a fair "flowing tide," Verdurous banks and shady! Yes, we're through. _I_'m glad, aren't _you_, Eh, my little lady?

"_Lock! Lock! Lock!_" Trim the punt, sweet, prythee! You look nice in your new frock! Fresh as osier withy. How they strove your togs to tear; Hinder, or capsize us! But, hurroo! we've scrambled through! Nought need now surprise us!

"_Lock! Lock! Lock!_" Faint cry, far before us! Lot of toffs my efforts mock; Menace us in chorus. Swear they'll swamp us at the weir. Fate there's no controlling, But the Grand Old River Hand Puts his faith in pol(l)ing!

Sit tight, my dear, and as we drop down with the tide towards the next lock, I'll sing you a new river-song to an old air. [_Sings._

And did you ne'er hear of a jolly old punting man, Who near Westminster his calling doth ply? He handles his pole with such skill and dexterity, Winning each "No" and enchanting each "Aye." He looks so neat, he steers so steadily, The ladies all flock to his punt so readily; And he's so celebrated for courage and care, That he's seldom in want of a freight or a fare.

But o'er his last passenger rivals made merry. She _did_ look so feeble, and frightened withal: "A fair sample this of your fine Irish ladies! In a Party like yours won't she kick up a squall?" Thus oft they'd be chaffing, and shouting and jeering, But 'twas all one to WILLY; he stuck to his steering; For hissing or hooting he little did care, He handled his pole, and looked after his fare.

And ah! just to think now how strangely things happen! He poled along, caring for no one at all; By a crush in the lock, foes his fare meant alarming, And hoped in deep water she fainting might fall. But he bade the young damsel to banish all sorrow, "If they block us to-day, dear, we'll get through to-morrow." And now the old Puntsman is through! But they swear They'll yet flummox the future of him and his fare!

* * * * *

GOOD GRACIOUS!--Mrs. R. went to Lord's the other day, to see Doctor GRACE play. She says, "Until then I had no idea he was a man of such splendid _physic_."

* * * * *

SYMPATHY.

_A Colloquy after the Eton and Harrow Cricket Match._

_Old Buffer to Small Boy, solicitously_:--

Why are you hoarse, my little lad, So husky and so hoarse? Your voice is almost gone! 'Tis sad! You'll seek advice, of course? Diphtheria is much about! And--well you know, there's cancer!!! Dear me, you're choking now! Don't shout, But write me down an answer.

_Small Boy to Old Buffer, spasmodically_:--

Cancer--be blowed!--_Cricket_--of course! Harrow--for years--has beaten; And--I've been howling till I'm hoarse To see 'em--licked by Eton!!! Hooray!!!

* * * * *

THE MOAN OF THE MINOR POET.

This (says Mr. JAMES PAYN) is what TOM HOOD wrote about the treatment meted out to the Minor Poet in his time:--

"What is a Modern Poet's fate? To write his thoughts upon a slate-- The critic spits on what is done, Gives it a wipe--and all is gone."

And this (says _Mr. Punch_) is the Minor Poet's reply to-day:--

I write not on a slate, but foolscap fair: It falls to the Waste-paper Basket's care. If _not_, the Minor Poet's still ill-fated, 'Tis by some Minor Critic now he's "slated." Far better than that stabber's spiteful lunge, Were "a clean slate" and kind oblivion's "sponge."

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE VOICE OF THE THAMES.

Leave, dweller in the smoke-bound street, Your native London's ceaseless noise. With aching head and weary feet Turn from the town's delusive joys. On dusty terrace, grimy square, A dismal pall seems settling down; Be not the Season's slave, and dare, Oh town-bred man, to leave the town.

The town can spare you; it may chance The Park will fill without your aid; And still at many a matron's dance Moist man will whirl with panting maid. Vast dinners still will be as slow, The night will still be turned to day, And all the giddy round will go As wild and well with you away.

But here the days are passing fair, The sun shines bright, the leaves are green; Cool on your forehead breathes the air, The very smoke seems fresh and clean. And over all the winding miles, Where erst his foaming torrents ran, The clear, calm Thames breaks forth in smiles Of welcome to the London man.

Bend to your oars, away, away! Then rest awhile, or deftly steer Where topped with rainbow clouds of spray The waters tumble o'er the weir. Nor scorn the man whom, moored for hours, Nor failure daunts nor jeers affront, Who sits, unheeding sun or showers, A fishless angler in a punt.

Then, when at eve the ringdove's call Is hushed upon the wooded hill, And slowly lengthening shadows fall On field and stream, and all is still, Drift homewards, thanking Heaven that made You free to dream awhile your dream In this fair scene of sun and shade, On gentle Thames's crystal stream.

* * * * *

EXAMINATION PAPER FOR LADIES.

(_To be set to Debutantes who have completed their first Season._)

1. What do you think of London in comparison with the country?

2. Write a short Essay upon your initial ball, giving your impressions of (1) your partners, (2) your dances, and (3) the supper.

3. Given three dances a night six evenings a week, what will be the cost of bouquets a quarter?

4. Show how three dresses, with a clever ladiesmaid, and a deposit account at the Army and Navy Stores, can be made to do duty as a couple of dozen entirely different gowns.

5. Give a short history of the Opera Season, pointing out any special features of importance, and estimating the receipts of the Command Night.

6. Give a short biography of any two of the following Society lions: Signor MASCAGNI, Lord ROBERTS, Mr. OSCAR WILDE, Captain BOYTON, and the Siamese Ambassador.

7. Supply the true stories associated with "the lost opera-glass at Ascot," "the sun-shade at the garden party," "the ride to the horse-chestnuts," and "the interrupted honeymoon."

8. Show in a rough sketch the latest mode of shaking hands.

9. Give a brief account of any two of the following Society functions: (1) The Royal Wedding, (2) the Eton and Harrow match, (3) Sandown, (4) a first night at the Lyceum, (5) a wedding at St. Peter's, Eaton Square, and (6) Henley.

10. Correct the mistakes (if any) in the following passage:--"Mr. ALEXANDER, the Lessee of Drury Lane, appeared at the Haymarket as _Becket_, in Mr. PINERO'S sparkling comedy of that name. He was supported by Miss ELLEN TERRY as the _Second Mrs. Tanqueray_, and Lady MONCKTON as _Portia_--the woman of no importance. After a successful career of five hundred nights, Becket was transferred to Chicago, with the cast strengthened by Mrs. BERNARD-BEERE, who consented to accept, as a mark of respect to the management, the comparatively insignificant part of _Charley's Aunt_."

11. Give a list of the eligible _partis_ of the season, with their rent-rolls, distinguishing idiots from sensible men.

12. In conclusion, after four months' hard work at Society functions, trace the benefit you have derived from your novel surroundings.

* * * * *

THE PROPRIETORS' VADE MECUM.

(_A Supplement for the Newspaper Press._)

_Question._ What is the duty of a Newspaper Proprietor?

_Answer._ To use his periodical for the benefit of the public by obtaining and affording information.

_Q._ Is he expected to expose abuses?

_A._ Certainly, or he would be thought to be degrading the noble profession to which he has the honour to belong.

_Q._ What is the customary result of an _expose_?

_A._ An action for libel.

_Q._ By whom is it frequently brought?

_A._ By a man of straw.

_Q._ And what is the alleged libel?

_A._ That the plaintiff was described as being manufactured of no more substantial material.

_Q._ If a man is made of straw, how can he obtain assistance from a solicitor?

_A._ By approaching a member of the junior branch of the legal profession who possesses no rooted objection to speculation.

_Q._ What is a speculative action?

_A._ It is an action brought to give a solicitor a chance of getting costs.

_Q._ Is the length of trial a matter of importance to the plaintiff?

_A._ Certainly not, because he stands to win one way and not to lose on the other.

_Q._ What does a long trial mean to the defendant?

_A._ Solicitor's fees by the score and "refreshers" by the dozen.

_Q._ What is the outcome of the proceedings?

_A._ After many days, a verdict.

_Q._ In whose favour?

_A._ The defendant's.

_Q._ Does the defendant benefit in consequence?

_A._ Not at all--the reverse. For after the finding of the jury, he is at liberty to pay his own costs.

_Q._ Why does he pay his own costs?

_A._ Because his statement that the plaintiff is and was a man of straw is practically corroborated.

_Q._ But does not the _expose_ prove that he has done an action well-deserving of his country?

_A._ Certainly; but this consideration does not give him unmixed satisfaction.

_Q._ Why does it not give him unmixed satisfaction?

_A._ Because, although losing a huge sum of money may be patriotic and large-minded, it is scarcely business-like.

_Q._ Are not newspapers intended to benefit the public?

_A._ Unquestionably, but in that public the individuality of the proprietor should not be entirely overlooked.

_Q._ Then what would you recommend?

_A._ That instead of being regarded as prey, newspapers should be made to pay.

_Q._ And how can that be carried out?

_A._ By making a law calling upon a would-be plaintiff, in a questionable action for libel, to give security for costs.

* * * * *

* * * * *

O WISE YOUNG JUDGE!--Mr. Justice HAWKINS has scored over and over again during the first act of the ZIERENBERG _v._ LABOUCHERE trial. One witness in cross-examination said "he thought he could tell people who were overworked." So Mr. Justice HAWKINS asked him, "Do you see anybody in this court who looks like being overworked?" Of course the witness looked straight at the Judge, but Sir HENRY was ready with a very practical answer to his own question, as he instantly rose to the occasion and adjourned the case till next day, and from next day till next term.

* * * * *

AT THE T. R. H.--Mr. TREE substituted IBSEN for WILDE. Some evenings at the T. R. Haymarket may be pleasantly passed, _i.e._, _"Wilde" away_.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, July 17._--"_Et tu, Bowlsey!_" said GRANDOLPH, a tear glistening on his long eyelashes. Of course he should have said "_Brute_," but that is not Member for King's Lynn's name. Remark followed upon incident that ruffled unusually dull evening. TOMMY was making one of his rare speeches; instructing Chief Secretary on intricate point in Home-Rule Bill; complaining of an omission in Amendment under discussion. GRANDOLPH, turning round, explained to him the bearing of things. Audacious, it is true. "The attempt," as JEMMY LOWTHER said, "to instruct your grandmother in the art of imbibing light but nutritious refreshment a slight thing compared with the temerity of teaching Tommy anything." When he detected GRANDOLPH in attempt, he for moment fixed him with surprised stare. Enough in ordinary circumstances to paralyse a rhinoceros. GRANDOLPH, who from precarious retreat in a tree-top in Central Africa has watched the noon slumbers of a horde of thirty lions, did not flinch. Then through the startled House rang TOMMY'S withering rebuke: "Pray hold your tongue!" an injunction which drew from GRANDOLPH the pained remark quoted above.

Coming from such a source it was doubly painful. Always understood that TOMMY founded his Parliamentary style upon GRANDOLPH'S earlier manner. Whispered that Member for King's Lynn had dreamed a dream of a new Fourth Party. He of course would play the part of GRANDOLPH; HANBURY (selected chiefly on account of his height and slimness of his figure) would stand for Arthur Balfour before he came into his Princedom. The glories of Gorst would live again in BARTLEY; and TOMMY had spent sleepless night in doubt as to whether he should enlist PARKER SMITH or AMBROSE in place of WOLFFY, who now, in distant Madrid, wears a sombrero, drapes his _svelte_ figure in a cloak, and interlards his conversation with cries of "_Carramba!_"

This point was decided by curious incident. One afternoon TOMMY came upon PARKER SMITH conversing with TOMLINSON.

"Don't you think PARKER SMITH'S getting something of a bore?" TOMMY asked, when that eminent statesman moved away.

"Now that's very odd indeed," said TOMLINSON. "Just as you came up PARKER SMITH said to me 'Here comes TOMMY BOWLES; good fellow; means well; but don't you think he's making himself something of a bore?'"

So PARKER SMITH lost his chance, and perhaps will never know how or why. Thinking of these things 'tis quaint to find TOMMY turning and biting the hand which, so to speak, held for him the Parliamentary bottle. "_Et tu, Bowlsey!_" GRANDOLPH sighed again, thinking of the days that are no more. "But I ought to have remembered that he who plays at BOWLES must expect rubbers."

_Business done._--TOMMY declines to make room for his Uncle GRANDOLPH; even rudely repulses avuncular advances.

_Tuesday._--SEXTON magnanimously relieved Mr. G., JOHN MORLEY, and, by implication, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD and other Members, from embarrassing imputation. Sometimes, when gentlemen in PRINCE ARTHUR'S suite have nothing nastier to say, they sketch lurid pictures of Mr. G. and the rest drawn at wheels of SEXTON'S chariot. All very well, they say, to talk of Cabinet Meetings, and statesmanship at Irish Office. The real boss, as TIM would put it, the arbiter of situation, is SEXTON. When these things are said, JOHN MORLEY smiles grimly; Mr. G. pretends not to hear; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD audibly raps fingers on his manly breast; Liberals cheer ironically; SEXTON blushes, and looks across to see if JOHN REDMOND is listening.

To-night he feels this thing has gone far enough. There may, perhaps, be some smattering of truth in it; but its disclosure cannot be pleasant to his right hon. friends on Treasury Bench. Accordingly SEXTON rose, and, taking Mr. G. by the hand, as it were, and giving a finger to JOHN MORLEY, declared that there was no foundation for the imputation. It was true he had from time to time offered suggestions, the appositeness and value of which it was not for him to determine. Occasionally they might have been accepted by the Government. That was due not to the pressure of dictation, but to the force of reason. Mr. MORLEY was a statesman not unacquainted with affairs, whilst Mr. G. had reached an age at which he might be trusted with some share in the conduct of a Bill. He could assure the House that he was not, in this matter, dictator. Such a charge was, he added, in burst of uncompromising self-abnegation, "imbecile."

"And they say," cried WEBSTER, for him unusually mixed, "that Irishmen have no sense of humour."

_Business done._--SEXTON generously puts Mr. G. right in eyes of Universe.

_Thursday Night._--Been remarked of late, in quarter behind Front Opposition Bench, that THEOBALD has appeared preternaturally preoccupied. Thought he was brooding over the drought, or the prospects of Home Rule. Secret out to-night. Been concocting a joke; taken him some time; but, then, consider the quality. Some weeks ago order issued in Ireland prohibiting hoisting of flags on hotels, and other private buildings. THEOBALD diligently concentrating his thoughts upon this fresh iniquity, gradually worked out his joke. Appeared on paper to-night in shape of question addressed to JOHN MORLEY. Supposing (so it runs) HER MAJESTY should visit Ireland, and stay in an hotel, would the Government take measures to legalise the hoisting of the Royal Standard on the building?

Delightful to watch THEOBALD when he had fired this bolt; fixed his eye attentively on Mr. G., to see how he took it, the paper in his hand trembling with excitement. Didn't often make a joke; doesn't remember a former occasion. Work somewhat exhausting, especially in hot weather; but when he did take his coat off and set to it must be admitted he turned out a rare article. All very well for JOHN MORLEY to affect to make light of the business. Not very probable that when the QUEEN visited Ireland she would put up at an hotel; a hypothetical question; deal with the question when it arises, and all the rest of Ministerial commonplaces. THEOBALD'S shaft had gone home, and when he saw Mr. G. wince, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD grow pale, he felt that the continuous labour of nights and days was rewarded.

"Didn't think I could do it," he said when I warmly congratulated him. "Not used to that sort of thing, you know. Never know what you can do till you try. A little hard at first. The thing is to keep pegging away. Still, I'm glad it's over. Shan't try another this year. Shall go away now for a bit of a holiday to recruit."

_Business done._--Got through Clauses Home-Rule Bill. Shall begin now to pick up dropped threads.