Part 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 105, JULY 29TH 1893

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

MUSCULAR EDUCATION.

Mr. PUNCH has much pleasure in recommending the following Prospectus to the notice of parents desirous of finding a thoroughly practical school where boys are educated according to the real requirements of modern life.

CLOANTHUS HOUSE, MARKET DREPANUM, OXON.

Mr. J. PEN-RULLOX, M.A. Cambs., and the Rev. WILFRID BAILS, B.A. Oxon, receive pupils to prepare for the great public schools and universities.

The well-known qualifications of Mr. PEN-RULLOX, who rowed stroke in his university boat in the celebrated race at Amwell in 1878, and of the Rev. Mr. BAILS, who played for Oxford in the famous university match in the Common Fields in 1882, will be sufficient guarantee that the boys will be thoroughly well instructed.

Besides Rowing, Cricket, and Football; Swimming, Racquets, Boxing, and Hockey, are specially attended to by competent Assistant-Masters, under the personal supervision of the Principals.

Billiards, Lawn-tennis, Poker, Nurr and Spell, and some other minor games, now too frequently neglected in the education of youth, will find their due place in the curriculum of Cloanthus House.

It is in contemplation, should a sufficient number of boys show a marked inclination for such studies, to engage a Board-school Master, of approved competence, to direct literary and scientific work.

Terms, inclusive, L250 per annum, payable in advance: the only extras at present being Reading, Writing, Polo, and Arithmetic.

Reference is kindly permitted to the following:--The Right Rev. the Bishop of ISTHMIA; the Editor of the _Sporting Life_; the Rev. R. E. D. HORGAN, M.A., Jesurum Col., Cambs; the Sports Editor of the _Field_; the Warden of Mortlake College, Putney; Dr. S. A. GRACE, LL.D.; the Hon. and Rev. HURLINGHAM PEEL.

* * * * *

THE BITTER CRY OF THE BROKEN-VOICED CHORISTER.

(_A long way after Tennyson._)

Break, break, break, O voice on that clear top C! And I would that my throat could utter High notes as they used to be.

O well for old BUNDLECOOP'S boy That he still shouts his full round A! O well for that tow-headed lad That he sings in his old clear way.

And the anthems still go on With boy-trebles sharp and shrill; But O for _my_ "compass," so high and grand, And the voice that I _used_ to trill!

Break, break, break, Like a creaky old gate, top C! But the high treble notes of a voice that is cracked, Will never come back to me!

* * * * *

QUEER QUERIES.

THE WHITE CURRENCY QUESTION.--Can nothing be done to prevent the Indian VICEROY from carrying out his monstrous proposal about the Rupee? I was just off to Bombay (having recently completed a period of enforced seclusion in Devonshire, occasioned by a too successful competition with a monopolist Mint) on the strength of a newspaper paragraph that "Free Coining of Silver" was permitted in that happy land. Free Coining! In my opinion it beats "Free Education" hollow, and is just what I have always wanted. I felt that my fortune was made, when suddenly the news comes that the free coinage business is stopped. What an injustice! In the name of the down-trodden Hindoo, to whom my specially manufactured nickel-and-tin Rupee would have been quite a new revelation, I protest against this interference with the immemorial customs of our Oriental fellow-subjects.--JEREMIAH D'IDDLA.

* * * * *

CONTRIBUTED BY OUR OWN WELSH-HARPER'S MAGAZINE.--With the AP MORGANS, AP RHYS, AP JONES, and many others, Wales is the ideal "'Appy Land."

* * * * *

SEASONABLE.

(_By a future Lord Chancellor._)

The close of the season, the close of the season, It leaves a man rifled of rhino and reason; And now, with hot rain and a westerly breeze on, I don't opine racketing London agrees on The whole with Society. "_Kyrie Eleison_" I'll chaunt when I stand with my wife and my wee son Some windy "Parade" or exuberant "Lees" on, In the splash of the salt and the flash of the free sun, And am garbed in a fashion that, sure, would be treason To Bond Street; and ruminate, sprawling at ease on The sands with their bands and extempore sprees on.-- "Table d'Hote-ards," repair to your Homburgs or freeze on Cosmopolitan Alps, and eat kickshaws to tease one; But _me_ let the niggers marine and the sea's un- Translateable sing-song, and bathers with d----s on, Delight, and bare children, their noses and knees on, Till quite I forget Messrs. WELBY AND MEESON (Those despots of law) and my failures, and fees un- Liquidated as yet, and myself--and the season!

* * * * *

AT COVENT GARDEN LAST THURSDAY.

Production of new Opera, _Amy Robsart_, arranged (and very well arranged, too) from Sir WALTER SCOTT'S novel, by Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS and PAUL MILLIET, the English adaptation by FREDERIC WEATHERLY, and music by ISIDORE DE LARA. CALVE in the title _role_, splendid; going through everything--three rather lengthy Acts, two impassioned love-duets, and the trap-door in the bridge--with unflagging spirit and charm.

In the Second Act, Kenilworth shown illuminated for the reception of _Elizabeth_--_Leicester_ having evidently borrowed one of the band kiosks from Earl's Court. _Elizabeth_, according to stage directions, should have entered "seated upon a magnificent white horse," but preferred to walk in. Possibly her steed detained by business engagements. As represented by Madame ARMAND, an easy-going, sunny-tempered sovereign, with an amiable dislike of any "unpleasantness" among her courtiers. The _Earl of Sussex_ the most impressive mute (next to his contemporary the _Earl of Burleigh_ in _The Critic_) on the boards,--nothing to do but look haughty, and at last, at the Queen's command, consent to become reconciled to _Leicester_,--but the subtle suggestion in his "shake-hands" that he did so on compulsion, and reserved himself the right of punching _Leicester's_ head at the first convenient opportunity, very artistically conveyed. Part most carefully thought out. The Revels cut short by the inconsiderate appearance of _Amy Robsart_ when they were just beginning, which must have been annoying for the Lady of the Lake, who had just arrived to pay homage to the Queen, and found herself obliged to get upon her floating island again, and go home in the most ignominious manner, without waiting even for the "shower of stars," which were to have fallen over the water. _Elizabeth_, however, seemed quite unruffled by the interruption, perhaps thinking that anything was a relief which put an end to the revels. _Finale_ to this Act dramatic, and well worked up. Third Act in two short _tableaux_, concluding with a duel and explanation (in two lines) between _Leicester_ and _Tressilian_, after which the opera ends abruptly with _Varney's_ highly ungentlemanly practical joke upon poor _Amy Robsart_, and _Leicester's_ request to _Tressilian_ to take his sword and run him through--which, however, he had no time to grant, as the curtain fell at that moment. After that, well-deserved floral tributes to Madame CALVE, and enthusiastic calls for singers, composer, manager, and carriages.

* * * * *

"FOLLOW ON!"

(_A Cricketer's "Catch."_ AIR--"_Come Follow!_")

_First Voice._ Come follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow on!

_Second Voice._ Why then should I follow, follow, follow, why then must I follow, follow on?

_Third Voice._ When you're Eighty runs or more behind our score you follow on!

* * * * *

ACCOMMODATING.

_G. O. M._ (_to Radical Member_). My dear Sir, will _you_ vote for this clause?

_Rad. Mem._ I will, Sir. What is it?

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

TOO KIND BY HALF.

["The independence and integrity of Siam ... is a subject of great importance to the British, and more especially to the British Indian Empire."--_Lord Rosebery._ "We have in no way any intention of threatening the independence of Siam."--_M. Develle._]

_British Tar sings, someway after Mr. Rudyard Kipling's "Tommy."_

AIR--"_Mandalay._"

"By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea, There's a Burma girl a settin'," an' she takes _'er_ time from _me_. But this Siam puss looks pooty, and I'm sorter bound to say "You stand back, you sailor Frenchy! that's a game as two can play!" 'Twas _my_ game at Mandalay, And _you_ seem on the same lay: You can twig my Jack a-flaunting from the Nile to Mandalay; But this I've got to say, If your 'and on 'er you lay, I shall ask you to take a 'and in a game as _men_ can play!

'Er petticoat is yaller, and 'er little cap is green, And--I shouldn't half object to interjuce 'er to my Queen! I don't want to see 'er suckin' of a Paris cigarette, And a-wastin' purchased kisses on French Bullyvards--you bet! No, I wouldn't shed no blood, But by Mekon's yaller mud, I 'ave always felt it "bizness" to take care no rival stud On my road to "far Cathay."

Wot? She's fired upon your gunboats? Well, I'd like to know, yer see, If them gunboats wos cavortin' where they didn't ought to be. Your clutch upon 'er wrist, eh? Well, that's like your bloomin' cheek! She shrinks from you, my Frenchy. No, yer know if she _should_ squeak-- Give a reglar woman's squeak, Though she looks carved out o' teak-- I should think o' my own womankind, my friend, and I should--_speak_ In the British sailor's way!

You'll "respect 'er Independence and Integrity," you say? Well, a man who on a woman 'is 'and would dare to lay-- Hay? _Save in the way o' kyindness!_ Why, you've capped me there, I own, Which I didn't think _that_ sentiment to Frenchies was beknown. It's a bit o' good old VIC.! But you've nicked it quick and slick. Well, I 'ope you'll square it fairly, and not lay it on too thick, In the brave old _Bismarck_ way!

The idea o' wasting ivory, silk, and peacocks' tails, and such, Upon merchants who're a trifle too much like GEORGE CANNING'S "Dutch."[A] When a fair and square Free Trader, like--well, not _un_like myself, Could stand by for to purtect 'er, and 'elp 'er--and 'im--pile pelf, Well--I can quite understand She may find your 'eavy 'and Too _kyind_ by half, my Frenchy, and prefer the British land, And the British Tar's old way.

Yes; our ROSEBERY and your DEVELLE do agree--in words, no doubt, But, yer see, the Ten Commandments, in Bangkok, git turned about! "Independence and Integrity" for pooty dear Miss SIAM, Is wot _you_'re "interested in" my Frenchy,--and so I am! Only--in the game we play, Cards do turn up in a way That would stagger sly AH SIN himself. If you git in my way On my road to "Old Cathay," Or my aid this gyurl _should_ pray, I _might_ p'raps come down like thunder,--as I did in Mandalay!

[Footnote A:

"In matters of commerce, the fault of the Dutch Is giving too little and asking too much."

_Canning's "A Political Despatch."_]

* * * * *

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES.--_Middlesex_ v. _Sussex_.

* * * * *

AT THE WORLD'S WATER SHOW.

_The performance has begun._ Captain BOYTON _has just descended the Chute in a boat, with a bevy of lightly-clad young ladies waving flags with shrill enthusiasm. Canadians, Indians, and Negroes row various craft containing Beauties of the Ballet about the Lake. An elderly Negress stands on an island, and waves a towel encouragingly at things in general. Two Clowns, accompanied by a futile individual disguised as a Frog, start to run round the margin of the Lake with a gallant determination to be funny, but abandon the attempt after making a quarter of the distance, and complete the circuit with a subdued and chastened demeanour._

_Mr. Bravo_ (_to_ Mr. BLAZZEY, _enthusiastically_). Capital show this--wonderfully well arranged!

_Mr. Blazzey_ (_screwing up his eyes_). Y--yes. Better if they'd had _water_ running down the incline, though, and sent _all_ the boats in that way.

_Mr. Bravo._ Don't see how they could pump up water enough for that, myself; and if they did, it would all run through at the sides!

_Mr. Blazz._ (_ignoring any hydraulic difficulties_). Oh, they could have dodged that if they chose; anyway, that's how it _ought_ to have been managed!

_Miss Frivell_ (_to Mr. Hoplight_). I can hardly believe this is the same place where BUFFALO BILL gave his performance only last year, can you? It all looks so different!

_Mr. Hopl._ (_after ponderous consideration._) I find no difficulty in recognising it, myself. The difference you observe is due to the fact that the arena which was originally constructed for--er--displays of horsemanship requires to undergo some considerable--er--structural alterations before being equally well adapted to a performance in which--er--boating and swimming form the--er--principal features.

_Miss Friv._ (_with exemplary gravity_). I see. You mean there must be _water_?

_Mr. Hopl._ Water is undoubtedly an--er--indispensable element in such an exhibition.

_Miss Friv._ How clever of you to know that! But perhaps someone told you?

_Mr. Hopl._ (_modestly_). I arrived at it by the--er--light of my own unassisted intelligence.

_Miss Friv._ Did you? Not _really_! "How far that little candle throws his beams!" (_To herself._) I didn't mean to be so rude as that! But he's no business to be such a bore!

_Mr. Bravo_ (_after the Sculling-race between_ ROSS _and_ BUBEAR). That was a good race, eh? They're the champion scullers, you know.

_Mr. Blazz._ Don't see the point of setting 'em to race _here_, though. Rather like running the Derby in a riding-school!

_A Sympathetic Lady_ (_during the Swimming-race_). How well those girls do swim! I suppose they go under first, and then come up again. But how damp they must get, to be sure, doing that twice a day! I daresay they never get their hair properly dry from one week's end to another. I should think that must be so uncomfortable for them, you know. However, they seem to be having plenty of fun among themselves. I wish we could hear what they are saying; but there's so much to look at, that one misses most of it!

[_A Pontoon is moved out into the centre of the Lake, and three "Rocky Mountain Wonders" give an entertainment on board. The first Wonder constructs the letter A with himself and two high ladders, up which the other two run nimbly. They meet at the top with mutual surprise, and a touch of resentment, as if each had expected at least to find solitude there. The Second Wonder lies down on his back resignedly, and the Third, meanly availing himself of the opportunity, stands on his friend's stomach, and strikes an attitude. Both descend and bow, in recognition of applause, and then each starts up his ladder again--only to meet once more at the top, more surprised and annoyed than ever. The Third Wonder refuses to be appeased unless he is allowed to hold the Second head downwards by the ankles. After further amenities of this kind they come down, apparently reconciled, and are towed back to the shore._

_Miss Friv._ Is that supposed to be an illustration of life on the Rocky Mountains?

_Mr. Hopl._ (_bringing the full powers of his mind to bear on the subject_). I should be inclined to doubt myself whether it afforded any accurate idea of either the industry or the--er--relaxations peculiar to that region, which can hardly be favourable to such pursuits.

_Miss Friv._ They might find it useful for escaping from a grizzly, mightn't they?

_Mr. Hopl._ Hardly, if, as I have always been given to understand, the grizzly bear is an equally expert climber. I imagine their title of "Rocky Mountain Wonders" is merely indicative of their--er--origin, and that their performances would indeed excite more wonder in their native country than anywhere else. One should always guard against taking these things in too literal a spirit.

[Miss F. _assents demurely, and is suddenly moved to mirth, as she is careful to explain, by the sight of a Nigger, which, Mr. H. very justly remarks, is scarcely a subject for so much amusement_.

_Mr. Bravo_ (_after the Corps de Ballet have performed various evolutions on a large raft_). I call that uncommonly pretty, all those girls dancing there in the sunlight, eh?

_Mr. Blazz._ Pretty enough--in its proper place.

_Mr. Bravo_ (_losing his patience at last_). Why, hang it all, you wouldn't have the Ballet danced under water, would you?

_Mr. Blazz._ Well, it would be more of a novelty, at any rate.

[Mr. BRAVO _decides that "it was a mistake to come out with a chap like_ BLAZZEY."

IN THE SHILLING SEATS.

_A Small Sharp Boy_ (_with an admiring Father, Mother, and Grandmother_). Father, why ha' them Injuns all got feathers stuck round their 'eds like shuttlecocks, eh? Is it to show as they're in the terbaccer line, eh, Father? Is the gentleman on the bicycle a real demon, eh, Father? Ain't he like what a real demon is? _Why_ ain't you never seen one, Father? Think you'll _ever_ see one, eh? Why's that man going right up atop of that pole for? Why is he goin' to jump off? Will he git drownded, eh, Father? Don't he _ever_ git drownded? Could _you_ dive off from as 'igh as that with your legs tied? Could Uncle BILL? Could Gran'ma, with _'er_ legs tied? [_&c., &c._

DURING THE WALRUS HUNT.

_Shilling and Sixpenny Spectators._ That's the police station on that boat where the two Bobbies are.... 'Ere's a rummy couple coming along in this boat! See the bloke with the bald 'ed, and the ole girl in a pink bonnet?... There, they've run slap into them others, and the ole bloke's got his 'eels in the air. Oh, dear, oh, dear!... Look at the bobbies tryin' to run 'em in. Lor, they're all pourin' water on to each other's 'eds as 'ard as they can go! 'Ere's the ole walrus swimmin' up now, d'ye _see_? And the ole Clown a fishin' for 'im. 'E's bin an' dragged 'im 'in 'ed foremost! Look at the walrus a duckin' o' the ole woman. Hor, hor, if ever I see the like o' that! Is that like 'ow they 'unt walruses, Father, eh? Blest if the ole walrus ain't got into the station 'ouse _after_ 'em. Look at 'em all gittin' out on the roof--_in_ they jump! And the ole girl goin' in backards, hor, hor! And the other bloke any'ow. See the 'ole admiral in the cocked 'at a takin' sights through 'is spy-glorss! Now they're gittin' the 'arpoon ready. There, they've copped 'im--it's all over! Well, that _was_ a good lark, and no mistake!

AT THE LANDING-PLACE--AFTER SHOOTING THE CHUTES.

Oh, it was perfectly splendid! We put the rugs right over our heads, and didn't get wet a bit!... I don't know if you're aware of it, my dear, but you've got black streaks all down your face. Gracious! it's the dye from my veil. Do I look very dreadful, dear? Well, it _shows_, of course--but I wouldn't touch it, or you'll make it worse.... This lot got a ducking, and no mistake--_look_ at 'em--ho, ho!... I say, dear old chap, you _ought_ to have come too--it was ripping! Splashed? No, nothing to speak of. Eh? "My hat?" What's _wrong_ with it? Oh, confound it all! I only took a front seat to oblige those two girls. Yes, _I_ can see they're giggling at me as well as you can. Look here, old fellow, _do_ you know if there's a place here where I can get my hat ironed, and buy a collar and tie? Because I've got to meet the CHAFFINGTONS here, and dine with 'em and that. "So have _you_?" Then _that_'s why you backed out of going down the Chute! Why the deuce didn't you _say_ so? Oh, if you're going to stand there laughing like a fool, I'm off! I may just have time to---- Hang it; there _are_ the CHAFFINGTON girls! Is my collar too _beastly_ limp? you might _tell_ a fellow!

* * * * *

TO A DROSHKY-DRIVER.

(_By a Quondam Fare._)

Here's a health to you, GOSPODIN IVANOFF-- Or whatever your name may chance to be-- Of _vodka_ I'll toss you a full _stakan_ off (A tumbler, I mean, of _eau de vie_); And I'll sing you _fortissimo con furore_ Your national hymn, in a cheerful key, ('Twill colour with local tone my story, To start with your "_Bozhe Tsarya khrani_").

'Twas a lively morning, my hirsute Jehu, In Petersburg once we together spent; And now in my sketch-book I still can see you (The annexed for your portrait's humbly meant). Your costume resembled in part a butcher's-- A dull blue gown of a vast extent, With top-boots, like each of the other _kutschers_ And shocking bad hat, all "bashed" and bent.

Ere long you called me your "little brother," Or else--your knowledge of Court to show-- (What one Russian "High Excellence" styles another) "_Vuisokoprevoskhoditelstvo._" You wanted to learn how to greet an acquaintance In English; I said, to be _comme il faut_, That "God save the Queen" was the proper sentence-- I own that my hoax was a trifle low.

A large percentage, my gay _izvostchik_, I failed of your jokes to understand; But I safely say you displayed the _most_ cheek Of any I've met by sea or land. When you pitched me clean out on the Nevski pavement, With syllable brief I loudly banned; But as _dam_ in your lingo "I'll give" (you knave!) meant, You grinned, and for "tea-money" held your hand.

I shall never forget that awful jolting I got as you whirled me round about In your backless car; for your bumping, bolting, You really, my Vanka, deserved the knout. Well, I won't say "Good-bye," but "_Do svidanya_"-- Though whether we'll meet again I doubt; If you ever _should_ wander to far BRITANNIA, I fear you will probably find me "Out."

* * * * *

MOTTO FOR PROFESSORS OF PALMISTRY.-- "_Palmam qui meruit ferat._" _i.e._, "Who has paid his money may bare his palm."

* * * * *

It is proposed to establish a fire-station, "with fifty men, on the Thames Embankment." For what purpose? In case of anybody setting the Thames on Fire?

* * * * *

Mrs. R. says she never has toast for breakfast, but always "fresh-airated bread."

* * * * *

THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGER.

Who gets, by hook or crook, from me Admittance free, though well knows he That myriads turned away will be? The Deadhead.

Who, while he for his programme pays The smallest silver coin, inveighs Against such fraud with eyes ablaze? The Deadhead.

Who to his neighbour spins harangues, On how he views with grievous pangs The dust that on our hangings hangs? The Deadhead.

Who, in a voice which rings afar, Declares, while standing at the bar, Our drinks most deleterious are? The Deadhead.