Part 3

BRODRICK began it, and while storm raged sat silent, astonished at his own moderation. Had merely remarked that the Irish people were impecunious and garrulous. As an Irishman himself ought to know something on point. SAUNDERSON, another member of a gifted race, explained that, on the whole, he was inclined to regard remark as complimentary. SEXTON, taking a different view, retorted with observation that BRODRICK'S language was grossly impertinent. Chairman, appealed to on point of order, gave a nice ruling. It is now established among Parliamentary precedents that the phrase "grossly impertinent," if addressed to an individual, is rank blasphemy; when applied to a thing 'tis but a choleric word. Committee might usefully have applied itself to consideration of this delicate distinction. "Instead of which," as the magistrate once said, it went about roaring like a famished lion.

For some minutes everyone seemed on his legs. CARMARTHEN had advantage over most Members by reason of his more than six feet length; GRANDOLPH, feeling old emotions stirred within him, took prominent part in the fray; Mr. G., leaning across the table, fixed his glowing eyes on GRANDOLPH, and warned him that his conduct was not calculated to assist the Committee in its dilemma; the voice of T. W. RUSSELL was heard in the land; PRINCE ARTHUR had much to say; Dr. TANNER broke long silence with a shout; even JUSTIN MCCARTHY was seen on his feet, and was howled at as if he had been discovered in the act of stealing the Chairman's pocket-handkerchief. But TIM topped them all. They were intermittent; he continuous. Whenever there was approach to pause in the clamour, TIM'S strident voice filled it up with genial observation, "Name! Name!" they roared at him. "Drag him out," was the advice given by one forlorn legislator. In delirious delight of the rapturous hour TIM took no notice of these objurgations and interruptions. "It's not your funeral," an envious countryman snarled in his ear. Certainly not; but that should make no difference. TIM would improve the opportunity to whomsoever it might belong; and he did.

_Business done._--None. But we had a cheerful row.

_Thursday._--Some excellent speaking to-night, and a walking-match, in which, lap after lap, Government won. WALLACE led off with speech sparkling with point; the more effective by contrast with stolid manner. House crowded and applausive; always grateful to have something fresh; get it from WALLACE, both in manner and matter. PRINCE ARTHUR, following later, unusually bitter; pegged away at Bill and Government for half an hour, and sat down with assertion that such a Government was not worth attacking. Mr. G., who had listened to WALLACE'S home-thrusts with face appreciative of their humour, was unaccountably disturbed by PRINCE ARTHUR'S commentaries. He sat immediately opposite, waiting to spring; meanwhile, with legs crossed and arms tightly folded, literally holding himself in. On his feet with catapultic force when PRINCE ARTHUR, gracefully gathering his skirts, sat down. A Government not worthy of attack. Ho! A Government that had failed to adhere to the main principles of its policy. Ha! But there was another Government which, in 1886, had denounced as dishonest a revision of judicial rents in Ireland, and a few months later had passed Bill revising them. Had PRINCE ARTHUR belonged to that Government? If so, how did he uplift this lofty standard of action, than which no Pharisee that ever lived in Judea carried it higher? This and much more Mr. G. declaimed at top of voice, with flashing eyes, and exuberant gestures, cheers and counter cheers filling House. Naturally JOSEPH followed with some kind words about "my right hon. friend." SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, long silent, could not resist temptation to plunge in. House went off to dinner exhausted by the tornado of bitter, brilliant speech.

Dull enough after dinner, when walking-match began. Performance announced for ten o'clock; began punctually; MELLOR acted as starter. Course, round the Division Lobbies and back to seats. Time, by Benson's chronometer, varied from 16 mins. 25 secs. to 18 mins. 3 secs. Programme included eighteen races; numbered Clause 9 to 26 inclusive; betting 5 to 1 on Government to pull through; some uncertainty round first division; talk about plungers in Ministerial team; when made known that majority was 27, it was seen that Government were safe. Interest in subsequent races fell away as Government majority mounted up. For some of the events the Opposition did not appear at starting-post; Government walked over.

"Demmit, DOUGLAS," said Lord NOM TODDY, coming in mopping his brow, after eighth Division, "this is not good enough. Next Thursday I shall send my man down, and let him do the walking round. No use keeping a dog and barking yourself."

_Business done._--Clauses 9 to 26 added to Home-Rule Bill.

_Friday._--DON'T KEIR HARDIE made bold bid to-day for cheap advertisement. Motion for Address to QUEEN in congratulation on Royal Marriage. DON'T KEIR tacked himself on to performance with attempted Amendment on behalf of the poor and needy. Found no probability of anyone seconding his Amendment, which therefore could not be put. Still, served his purpose; suggested visions of portrait of Benefactor of the People (penny plain, twopence coloured) hung in all the cottage homes of England.

"Curious," says the Member for Sark, "how rapidly DON'T KEIR HARDIE has played himself out; perhaps rather notable than curious. House of Commons is the quickest machine ever invented for taking the measure of a man. Has looked at Member for West Ham, measured him, weighed him, and set him aside. When, less than a year ago, he came down, with his brass band and his trumpets tootling, he was DON'T KEIR HARDIE. Now, if I may say so, the boot's on the other leg; it's the House of Commons that Don't Keir for Hardie."

_Business Done._--More about Home-Rule Scheme.

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QUEER QUERIES.

A MUNICIPAL HALL.--I see the County Council are thinking of spending nearly a million of the ratepayers' money in buying a site for a municipal palace in Parliament Street, because the members--pending the time when they are all elected to the Legislature--want to be as close to it as possible. Why not let them be still closer, in Westminster Hall itself, which is now untenanted? Or if the members don't like that, why not make a working arrangement with the House of Commons to use that chamber in the mornings before the M.P.'s come down to it? This would be something like an "in-and-out" clause, and would save no end of money.

TRUE ECONOMIST.

REWARDS TO RACONTEURS.--I am considered a first-rate storyteller and conversationalist; indeed, few dinner parties (at Lower Tooting) can get on without me. Do you think I could get elected to the Reform Club without paying the entrance subscription? I see that some members of that club have been left L2000 each as a reward for "brightening the evenings" of a deceased member, and I feel certain that had the testator known _me_, he would have increased my legacy to L4000 at least. My sparkling powers of conversation are often called a "gift," but I don't want them to be a gift if I could get anything for them.

SYDNEY MACAULAY HAYWARD SMITH.

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PRESENT! FIRE! BANG-KOK!--"Three Frenchmen killed, two wounded; twenty Siamese killed, and twelve wounded,"--such is the first result of French _Humann_-ising influence in Siam.

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A NEW MARITIME RESORT.--"I'm sure," observed Mrs. R., "that a really pleasant thing to do in the summer holidays would be to take a trip to the Specific Islands."

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THE GREATEST AUTHORITY ON THE WORKING OF THE "IN-AND-OUT" CLAUSES.--Mr. SEXTON, M.P.!

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GOING AGAINST THE GREIN.--Refusing to patronise the Independent Theatre.

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FRENCH BILLIARDS AT SIAM.--The Cannon Game.

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Transcriber's Note:

This issue contains some dialect.

Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been repaired.

Page 25: 'abreviating' corrected to 'abbreviating'. "... as emphasizing, by descriptively abbreviating, these two epithets,..."

Page 30: 'Nickledy Nod' is correct. [www . archive.org/stream/laysandlyrics00hawkgoog#page/n124]. (From: "Lays and Lyrics": Nickledy Nod. Dedicated to the "Sweet Girl Graduates of the School of Cookery." (After Punch.))

Page 33: 'where corrected to 'were'.

"True, for our wages, which were somewhere near the "Twenty-ones," Great expectations would have been a trifle rash."

Page 34: 'nihil tetigit quod non ornavit' = 'he touched nothing without embellishing it'.

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