Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 104, MAY 6TH 1893

edited by Sir Francis Burnand

A PATHETIC LAMENT.

(_Respectfully addressed to one of the Promoters of the Anti-Advertisement League by a Repentant Subscriber._)

I.

BEING gifted with decent taste and a sensitive eye, I have never been much beguiled By advertisements, crude in colour, and ten feet high (Which, in fact, I rather reviled); And, as for gigantic signs swinging up in the sky-- They drove me perfectly wild!

II.

Then the lurid posters on paling and chimney-stack Were the terror of every town-- Till a League was started by Mr. WILLIAM BLACK For the purpose of putting them down; And the sympathetic invited its efforts to back With an annual half-a-crown.

III.

So I cheerfully paid the fee, and my name was enrolled, And a solemn oath I swore; (As is usual on such occasions,--or so I'm told) That, in future, no shop or store Which aggressively advertised any article sold I would patronise any more!

IV.

But that mad rash oath I recall with a vain regret, As I brood in bitter complaint, On the number of useful things that I'm dying to get-- And my conscience tells me I mayn't! As their various virtues are vaunted in letters of jet, Or gaudier gilding and paint!

V.

I should like to be clean if I could--but I cannot cope, Without saponaceous aid, With a shower of London smuts--and I'm losing hope, Getting daily a dingier shade, In a futile search for a genuine Toilet-soap That has shunned meretricious parade!

VI.

My villa would be--when it's furnished--the cosiest nest, But I fear it is doomed to be bare; For upholsterers' puffs are now a persistent pest, And so shamelessly each will declare His "Elegant Dining and Drawing-room suites" are the "cheapest and best"-- That I daren't choose so much as a _chair_!

VII.

I would fly to the Ocean shore, or the Continent, To escape from a lot accurst; But here, by my own parole, I'm a prisoner pent! I must find a Company first That doesn't resort to obtrusive advertisement-- And the Railway ones are the _worst_!

VIII.

And now I'm developing symptoms of bodily ills, But, however sanguine I've felt, Of a cure from So-and-So's Syrup, Elixir, or Pills, Or his Neuro-magnetic Belt-- Can I buy, when their fame is based on a stratum of bills Down every area dealt?

IX.

And even my path to a tranquil tomb is barred While that oath continues to bind; For a coffin and funeral car will be somewhat hard For a faithful adherent to find-- When already each undertaker has left a card With his terms and "inquiries kind"!

X.

So you see, Mr. WILLIAM BLACK, what a mess I've made! And you'll own my dilemmas are due To the oath which I took when I followed your precious crusade. If its terms were drafted by _you_, You may know some ingenious means their effect to evade-- Kindly drop me a line if you do!

* * * * *

TO BLACKHAM'S BOYS.

(_The Australian Cricketers have arrived in England._)

WELCOME, JOHN MCCARTHY BLACKHAM, And his boys! 'Tis safe to back 'em, GIFFEN, BANNERMAN, and TURNER, To teach BULL--a cheerful learner! Austral Cricket "up to date." BRUCE and TRUMBLE--rather late-- Owing to Lutetia's charms! Soon will join their chums in arms. LYONS and M'LEOD are ready; Dashing GEORGE and ALEC steady, And the others, prompt to pitch 'em (Stumps) on the old sward at Mitcham. _Punch_ will wish you all fair weather, And fair luck! Now, all together!!! May we meet 'em oft--and whack 'em Fairly--these brave boys of BLACKHAM!

* * * * *

HABEAS CORPUS SUSPENDED.--What is wanted just now is a _"J bez Corpus" Act_.

* * * * *

* * * * *

AN AIRY NOTHING.--According to a Radical paper "the poor man's tobacco pays 10-1/2_d._ in the shilling to taxation, while the rich man's cigar pays only 1/2_d._ in the shilling to taxation." This may be very true, but is the question worth discussing? It is sure to end in smoke!

* * * * *

HOW THEY ARE SERVED IN SERVIA.--Among some interesting items, a telegram informed us how "the Young King presided at a Council of Ministers. The ceremonial is the same as during his father's time, only two guards stand at the door, and _refreshments are handed round at short intervals_." The italics are ours. Rather! What a pleasant Cabinet Council. Why isn't the convivial plan adopted here? Mr. G., in the chair, would knock the table with the hammer every ten minutes and call out, "Give your orders, Gents! the Waiter's in the room!" A real Harmonious Meeting.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE FUTURE HOPED BY HAWKINS.

(_A Cockney Carol by a cruelly-used Coster-Investor. With apologies to clever Albert Chevalier._)

["I desire to express, and I cannot do it too strongly, that there is no credit to be attached to the conduct of the directors in this particular case. It would be more satisfactory to me if directors had a proper sense of their responsibility. It is a cruel thing that people should be deluded out of their savings by high-sounding names. At the same time, there is no criminal law which will punish a director who scandalously neglects his duty, though he takes his money. I think the law might well be altered."--_Mr. Justice Hawkins._]

AIR.--_"The Future Mrs. 'Awkins."_

I'm _done_, my little doner! I'm jest about a goner! My savings all U. P.! You always said I shouldn't; but resist big names I couldn't, No, they fairly nobbled me. Now Mister Justice 'AWKINS, 'onest 'ENERY HAWKINS, Some Directors' wool does comb. So 'elp me bob, I'm crazy. I _must_ ha' bin a daisy! Won't it bust our 'umble 'ome! (_Spoken or sung._) _Won't_ it! O LIZER! Sweet LIZER! If I die in the Big 'Ouse, I'll only 'ave myself to blame. D'y'ear, LIZER? _Dear_ LIZER! Fancy _me_ bein' nicked by a 'igh-soundin' name!

At their sly board-meetin's wot must be their greetin's! Oh, they knows wot _they're_ about! The public tin they close up, at us turns their nose up-- Fox and Guinea-pigs--no doubt. I likes their style, dear LIZER. Ain't it a surpriser? Cop _me_ on the 'op like this!!! Sure, I must be dreamin'! In my sleep start screamin'. There, _don't_ cry, old gal! Let's kiss! (_Spoken or sung._) _Come_ now! O LIZER! Dear LIZER! If I lose yer luv by this I'll only 'ave myself to blame! D'y'ear, LIZER? _Dear_ LIZER! 'Onest 'ENERY 'AWKINS sez it's a dashed shame!

Hartful as a "bonnet," you depend upon it, Mister Fox, with tail sly-curled! Jest about the sweetest, neatest, and completest Diddle in the wide, wide world. Wot sez 'ENERY 'AWKINS, 'onest 'ENERY 'AWKINS? Law wants alterin' right away. P'raps it may be _one_ day, but were it next Monday, Me and you 'twould not repay! (_Spoken or sighed._) _Would_ it? O LIZER! Sweet LIZER! Strikes me wot is called the Law is often fuss, and fraud, and fudge! But _dear_ LIZER! D'y'ear, LIZER? Mister Justice 'AWKINS is a fust-class Judge!

* * * * *

QUERY AT SOME FASHIONABLE SEA-SIDE RESORT.--Do the unpleasant odours noticeable at certain times arise from the fact of the tide being high? If so, is the tide sometimes higher than usual, as the--ahem!--odours certainly are?

* * * * *

SHAKSPEARIAN QUESTION TO A COMPANY.--(_To be replied to in the negative._)--"What, are you HANSARD yet?" (_Mer. of Venice_, iv., 1.)

* * * * *

SONG FOR AN EMPEROR AFTER A (FRIENDLY) VISIT TO CANOSSA.-- "Be it ever so humbling, there's no place like Rome!"

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, April 24._--House nearly Counted Out just now, although it's Budget Night and usual Resolutions not yet passed. Catastrophe averted, and sitting continued. CHILDERS come back to old scene. Looking on from below Gallery, says it's the quietest Budget Night he remembers. Usually scene one of seething excitement. One or more Trades expect taxes affecting them will either go up or go down. Lobby besieged by anxious representatives. Nothing of the sort to-night. When SQUIRE of MALWOOD rose to expound his mystery, Benches not fuller than on ordinary night. Of those present there was no speculation in the eyes they turned upon the CHANCELLOR standing at table. The SQUIRE, a great Parliamentary artist, attuned voice and manner to prevailing tone; avoided anything approaching oratorical style; plain business statement to make; accomplished it in fine head-clerkly manner.

An unfailing tradition about Budget Speech is that it shall contain at least one quotation from the Classics. Mr. G. from year to year observed this custom with splendid effect. LOWE'S _Ex luce lucellum_ is famous in history; nearly became the epitaph of a Ministry; certainly was the funeral wail over a carefully-constructed Budget. The SQUIRE to-night felt bound to observe tradition; but in accordance with his nature did it modestly, adventuring nothing more recondite than citation of the familiar line that serves to mark WREN'S resting-place in Westminster Abbey. TOMMY BOWLES took opportunity of remarking that he was "disappointed with the Budget." This mental attitude, though not quite unexpected, threw fresh gloom over proceedings, and talk, reduced to whisper, finally died out.

_Business done._--Budget brought in.

_Tuesday._--The young men behind PRINCE ARTHUR out on the war-path. "Tell you what," says LEGH of Lyme; "let's have BRYCE's scalp."

"By the Holy Roman Empire, yes!" cried GEORGE CURZON, to whom genial observation was addressed. "Let's get at him about his snubbing SEFTON, in matter of appointment of Lancashire County Magistrates. 'Twill serve a double debt to pay. We'll have a lark--'_Quelles alouettes!_' as it is written in the French translation of _Great Expectations_, in the passage reporting conversation between _Pip_ and _Joe Gargery_. Moreover than which, we'll put a spoke in business arrangements of Mr. G., and stave off Home Rule by so long."

"Be careful," said PRINCE ARTHUR; "ticklish subject, you know. They're sure to have HALSBURY up, and there unquestionably was a degree of monotony about his appointments to Commission of Peace."

"Oh bother HALSBURY," said CURZON, to whom nothing is sacred. "He's used to it by this time. You know what happened to the viper who bit the Cappadocian's hide? HALSBURY's all right."

"Boys will be boys," said PRINCE ARTHUR, looking at them regretfully, and thinking of his own forty-five years. "But perhaps it will be just as well if I clear out;" which he did, and so missed a lively debate.

That Elderly Young Man, HANBURY, not in best form for such operations. Lacks lightness of touch. HENRY JAMES also better out of it. Gave performance serious turn, when he declared that in borough of Bury BRYCE, as soon as he came into office, appointed eight Magistrates, all Liberals. That sounded very bad; Mr. G. looked serious; some disposition shown on Treasury Bench to draw apart from BRYCE. All very well to talk about HALSBURY'S goings on; but if this sort of thing done by Liberal purists, things seem rotten all round. When BRYCE came to reply, he quietly added to JAMES'S statement of case that, when he went to the Duchy, he found of eighteen Magistrates sixteen were Unionists, only two Liberals. He had, it is true, appointed six Liberals and two working-men, whose politics he did not know. Bury Bench, accordingly, now consisted of sixteen Unionists, eight Liberals, and two working-men. Members wondered if JAMES knew that when he made his statement? Hoped he didn't. All very well with wig and gown on, and brief in hand; but House doesn't like this kind of thing in debate.

CURZON'S statement about sad condition of Magisterial Bench at Southport, owing to machinations of an iniquitous Chancellor of the Duchy, turned out to be not more completely based on fact than was JAMES'S. But difference of manner in dealing with case, everything. No one took CURZON seriously, and so no harm done. His explanation of preponderance of Conservative Magistrates on Lancashire Bench delightful. As good as some touches of DIZZY, of whose younger, lighter manner, he much reminded old-stagers. It was true, he admitted that, on Lancashire Bench, preponderance of Magistrates was with Conservatives. (Chancellor of Duchy gave figures as he found them arranged when he came into office. On the Borough Benches, 507 Unionists, against 159 Liberals; on the County Bench, 522 Unionists, against 142 Liberals, a proportion of nearly four to one.) But how had it been brought about? asked the Strayed Reveller from the Corea. "Why, it is because the disturbing, mischievous policy of the Right Hon. Gentleman opposite" (this with indignant sweep of the arm towards Mr. G., feigning sleep on the Treasury Bench) "has driven into the opposite ranks most of the intelligent, respectable men, from whom Justices are chosen."

On Division, Vote of Censure on BRYCE negatived by 260 votes; against 186. "I'm not sure," said JOKIM, whose views of humour are limited, "that, what I may call the gain of three hours lost, is worth the price paid; to wit, the opportunity given to BRYCE of disclosing the actual state of things in Lancashire in the matter of Magisterial Bench, and the consequent doubling of the Ministerial Majority."

"Well, as I remarked before," said Prince ARTHUR, who had come back for the Division, "Boys will be boys."

_Business done._--Employers' Liability Bill, with aid of Closure, read Second Time.

_Thursday._--Pretty to watch Mr. G. struggling with feeling of expediency against temptation to make a speech. House in Committee on Budget Bill; JOKIM been discoursing at large on its proposals. Quite lively. SQUIRE of MALWOOD looked on, listening with generous approval, albeit he was target for JOKIM'S jocularity. This time last year positions reversed. It was he criticising JOKIM'S Budget. Now it was JOKIM'S turn, and the SQUIRE magnanimously stood the racket. Mr. G. sat by his side, an attentive listener, evidently strongly drawn to join in the fray. But it was plainly the SQUIRE'S show, and its direction must be left to him. When there followed long succession of eminent men discussing Budget, Mr. G. felt that if he remained any longer he must yield to temptation. Accordingly, withdrew from scene. Returned again an hour later; still harping on the Budget; the SQUIRE had spoken twice, and there seemed nothing to be done but to work off whatever remaining speeches had been prepared in Opposition camp.

DORINGTON dragged in case of farmer, and small landowner; conversation turned on Depression of Agriculture; the WOOLWICH INFANT presented himself to view of sympathetic House as specimen of what a man of ordinarily healthy habits might be brought to by necessity of paying Income-tax on the gross rental of house property. A procession of friends of the Agriculturist was closed by portly figure of CHAPLIN, another effective object-lesson suitable for illustration of lectures on Agricultural Depression. Mr. G., feeling there was no necessity for speech, had resolutely withstood the others. CHAPLIN at the table, proved irresistible. To him, CHAPLIN is embodiment of the heresy of Protection, Bi-metallism, and other emanations of the Evil One. When CHAPLIN sat down, PREMIER romped in, and, having delivered the inevitable speech, went off home, soothed, and satisfied.

_Business done._--Budget Scheme passed through Committee.

_Friday._--Almost forgot we still have House of Lords. Shall be reminded of their existence by-and-by. For the nonce, they are courteously quiescent, the world forgetting, by the world forgot. Just a little flare-up to-night. Ireland, of course; CAMPERDOWN wanting to know what about the Evicted Tenants Commission? Are the Government going to legislate upon it, or will they forbear? SELBORNE supernaturally solemn; dragged in JAMES THE SECOND as the nearest approach to any head of a Government quite so wicked as Mr. G. Lords much interested in this. Don't hear so much now of JAMES THE SECOND as we did when at school. The establishment of points of resemblance between Governments of his day and that presided over by Mr. G., a novelty in debate. Imparted to political controversy a freshness long lacking.

Just after seven, debate adjourned. For all practical purposes, it might as well have been concluded. But House doesn't get many opportunities of debate; not disposed riotously to squander this chance one.

_Business done._--Commons had Morning Sitting; scrupulously devoted the last five minutes of it to public business.

* * * * *

OPERATIC NOTE,--There's not much magic about _The Magic Ring_ at the Prince of Wales's until the Second Act, in which the extravagantly comic "business" of Messrs. MONKHOUSE and KAYE, the burlesque acting of Miss SUSIE VAUGHAN, and the comic trio dance between the two low comedians and the sprightly soprano, Miss MARIE HALTON, are worth the whole of Act I. When is burlesque not burlesque? When it is Comic Opera. Burlesque was reported dead. Not a bit of it, only smothered; and it may come up fresh for a long run, or at all events, "fit" for a good spurt.

* * * * *

Even the old-fashionedest Toriest of Tory Farmers are longing, hoping, and even praying, for the downfall of the Rain. If we don't have it soon, and it may have arrived ere this appears, Marrowfats, as _articles de luxe_, will be "Peas at any price!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

PANEFUL!

It was the Palace of the Board, The Board of London's Schooling, Where Members lately have enjoyed Some high artistic fooling.

"Oh, why"--hear Mr. COXHEAD plead, In tones of sheer amazement-- "Do hideous faces wrought in glass Stare down from every casement?"

Then up spake General MOBERLY, The Board's supreme apologist, And told them all the time of day Like any good horologist.

"The Architect," quoth he, "had planned To grave upon the panes Portraits of bygone Classic wights, Of British youth the banes.

"But as the Chairman of the Works' Committee he had said, That CICERO should be deposed, And DIGGLE reign instead.

"To oust HERODOTUS would be An inexpensive job, And SOCRATES should be bowled out By a seductive LOBB."

Further, he argued that it would Only be right and manly If ARCHIMEDES did resign His pane to LYULPH STANLEY.

And out he brought his final word Both modestly and soberly-- "I think that JULIUS CAESAR might Give place to General MOBERLY!"

O Boardmen, shall the little plan Be thus allowed to pass? It will, unless your Veto stop _This_ filling of the glass!

* * * * *

TO ZANTE.

(_An Appeal. After E. A. Poe._)

"Fair Isle, that from the fairest of all flowers Thy gentlest of all gentle names doth take!" How many memories of fierce seismic powers At sight of thee, as now thou art, awake! How many scenes of what departed bliss! How many thoughts of what entombed hopes! Did FALB foresee such ruinous wreck as this? No more sits Peace upon thy verdant slopes! _Subscriptions!_ Ah, that magical sweet sound Appeals to all, or _should_ appeal. More! More! Suffering demands still _more_! Charity's ground _Punch_ now must hold thy flower-enamelled shore, O Hyacinthine Isle! O purple Zante! "_Isola d'oro! Fior di Levante!_"

* * * * *

NEW NAME FOR IT. (_By a non-believer in the much-talked-of--and talking--"League._"),--Imperial _Fad_-oration!

* * * * *

* * * * *

"IN THE KEY OF RUTHENE."

[The most gorgeous red yet discovered has lately been produced from the rare metal ruethenium.]

Who'll sell me a second-hand lyre and a plectrum, Or (since it's the fashion) a mandoline? _Con amore_ I'd sing the new shade of the spectrum-- No spook, though it haunts me--its name is Ruthene.

Nay, don't be alarmed, for I'm no supersubtle Decadent bard with an eye full of green; I merely (to copy the late _Captain Cuttle_) Am "making a note" in the key of Ruthene.

Well, _R_'s a red letter, you see its ray glow forth-- Look in your "dic" if you doubt what I mean; Red, rufous, rouge, ruddy, rose, russet, and so forth, Have all rolling _r_'s like resplendent Ruthene.

More "clamant" than carmine, vermilion, crimson, Costlier than diamond or ultramarine-- A deuce of a theme to chant lyrics or hymns on, Or rummage for orotund "rot," is Ruthene.

Orange-hued are the Odalisque's henna-dyed fingers, English girls' lips are encarnadine; A rubicund flame round the toper's nose lingers-- But I'm blest if they rival the blush of Ruthene.

Pink huntsman, gules ensign, deep flush of the sunset, Cardinal's scarlet, "red" gold have I seen, With red ruin, red rhubarb, red herring--but none set My iris afire as does red-hot Ruthene.

The quest, though, is simpler of Roc's egg or Sangreal, Easier to fashion a flying machine, Than for _my_ Muse to fake up (forgive Cockney slang) real Readable rhymes in praise of Ruthene.

* * * * *

THE SCOTTISH TREVELYANDERER.

(_Mr. Hozier's Version._)

[Mr. HOZIER (on the Second Reading of the "Registration of Votes (Scotland) Amendment Bill") said, "the fame of Mr. GERRY, the Governor of Massachusetts, would sink into insignificance if this Bill were to pass. In future they would not talk of Gerrymandering, but of Trevelyandering.... Trevelyandering, however, was a game at which two could play; in fact, in the words of the poet, they might fairly say:--

"What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, And possibly two can Trevelyander!"]

AIR--"_The British Grenadiers._"