Chapter 5

Slocum-Pogis-on-the-Stodge._ Author _and_ Female Librarian _discovered_.

_Author._ Well, if you haven't got the popular novels I have already mentioned, I will have a book by RIDER HAGGARD, STEVENSON, MEREDITH, or RUDYARD KIPLING.

_Librarian._ All out, Sir. Won't you have something else?

_Author._ Well, an amusing volume of travels or recollections. Can you recommend one?

_Librarian._ We did have several books of that kind in the Season, Sir, but just now our stock is a little low.

_Author (nettled)._ Why, I don't believe you have a book in the shop. You seem to be out of everything!

_Librarian._ Oh, yes, we have, Sir. Here, for instance, is one of this year's novels. It's called _An Oppressed Ophelia_.

_Author (pleased)._ Oh, you have got that, have you?

_Librarian._ Got it! Why, the whole place is full of them! To tell you the truth, Sir, it came down by mistake. We ordered books by BLACK, MEREDITH, STEVENSON, and the rest of them, and they sent us back, by accident, I suppose, a dozen copies of _An Oppressed Ophelia_. If you would like it, Sir, I will look you out a copy with some of the leaves cut.

_Author (shortly)._ No, thankee, I've read it!

[_Exit._

_Librarian._ Dear me, what an odd gentleman! He's the first as has read _An Oppressed Ophelia_, although I have had it in the shop these six months!

[_Scene closes in upon her astonishment._

* * * * *

Illustration: A Man of Letters.

***

Illustration: "Question time."

***

Illustration: The "Seasonable" Lawyer.

***

"SOME TALK OF ALEXANDER."

If my memory serves me faithfully, the above heading is a quotation from the first verse of "_The British Grenadiers_," and is peculiarly applicable just now to the Lessee of the St. James's Theatre, Mr. GEORGE ALEXANDER, who has got a decided success in the original Comedy, written by Mr. R. C. CARTON, entitled _Liberty Hall_, an excellent and a catching name, that perhaps might have been better bestowed on a larger picture. To play with "reserved force" until the passionate moment arrives, is all that Mr. ALEXANDER has to do; but this he does admirably, never under-acting, never over-acting, always as natural as a quiet gentleman, of a peculiarly romantic turn of mind, yet with a keen but chastened appreciation of a practical joke, kept all to himself for five months, should be. Had he been compelled by circumstances to sustain the _alias_, and to continue playing the part of a _Burchell_ in GOLDSMITH's _Vicar of Wakefield_ for one month longer, could he have done it? However, as the piece has "caught on," it may be that Mr. ALEXANDER will have to play the part of _Mr. Burchell alias Owen_ for even longer than half a year; and, as he selected the piece, and as he plays this part excellently, it is mainly owin' to ALEXANDER that the piece is payin.' Mr. BEN WEBSTER is good as the somewhat gentlemanly-caddish mixture called _The Hon. Gould Harringay_. Mr. NUTCOMBE GOULD, as a Family Solicitor, deeply interests everybody in the First Act; "and then," like _Macbeth's_ "poor player,"--which Mr. N. G. isn't, far from it,--"is heard no more." Perhaps, during the Pantomime season, he might re-appear at the finish with a slight addition to his head-gear, as intimated in this little sketch of him, when he could observe confidentially to the audience, "Here we are again!" But this is only a hint, to the practical use of which, Mr. GOULD, by the kind permission of Mr. ALEXANDER, is heartily welcome.

Capital is Miss FANNY COLEMAN as the housekeeper and maid-of-all-work; and, in the small part of _Todman's_ shop-boy, Master RICHARD SAKER shows that, as _Mr. Wardle_ said of _Mr. Tupman_, when he brought down the birds with his eyes shut, he is "an older hand at this than we thought for." If he works at his profession, he will show himself "a wise-SAKER." Mr. HOLLES and Miss AILSA CRAIG, in two very small but strongly-marked character-parts, add to the general efficiency of an exceptionally complete cast. Miss MAUDE MILLETT makes the indiscreet _Amy Chilworth_ a very sweet person, but it is Miss MARION TERRY who has in her hands the one strong dramatic situation at the end of the Third Act. It is a situation which, no matter what might have been the author's conception of it, depends for its effect solely and only on the actress; and Miss MARION TERRY, as she sits, rises to the occasion. It is long since Mr. RIGHTON has had such a part as that of _Todman_, the quaint little old-fashioned bookshop-keeper, and to this quite Dickensian character, the actor does thorough justice; as also does Mr. H. VINCENT to the somewhat highly coloured blusterous part of _Briginshaw_. Mr. ALEXANDER commences the new year well. "_Prosit!_" chirps THE CRITIC OFF THE HEARTH.

***

Illustration: "Put a penny in the hat, and the figure will work."

* * * * *

A MOAN OF MERRY CHRISTMAS.

(_By Our Own Dismal Dyspeptic._)

Oh, Christmas is a season when this melancholy earth Has to put on the appearance of ungovernable mirth-- When you substitute a chuckle for your ordinary sigh, And you give each other presents that you can't afford to buy-- When the little boys with snowballs are so shockingly unkind, And improve on the occasion to attack you from behind-- When the mistletoe its terrors at the bashful person hurls, And you have to kiss a number of unpleasant-looking girls!

Oh, Christmas is a season when the children make a row, And you have to bear it patiently--although you don't know how-- When they will not let you slumber in your comfortable chair, But crawl and tumble over you and ruffle up your hair-- When TOM and DICK are home from school with all their nasty tricks, And have terrific combats with a pair of single-sticks-- When Auntie comes to stay with us, and always takes their parts. And you smile a sickly smile, and murmur, "_Bless_ their little hearts!"

Oh, Christmas is a season when the beef is very fat, (And it turns me topsy-turvey at the simple thought of that!)-- When it seems as if your relatives could never eat enough, And you have to look contented as you sit and watch them stuff-- When they give you Christmas pudding, and consider it a treat, Though they know that you are feeling far too bilious to eat-- When the very house reverberates with tradesmen's constant knocks, As they call in quick succession to demand a Christmas-box!

Oh, Christmas is a season, when I long to sit alone, In some clean and quiet garret, I can really call my own; Where no Christmas Cards can reach me with their idiotic rhymes-- Where I never hear of HARRIS, and his splendid Pantomimes. Where the turkey and the goose would feel distinctly out of place, Where no pallid pie of mincemeat, dares to look me in the face; Where I don't see coloured plates from Christmas Numbers on the wall, Where, in fact, I can forget that it is Christmas-time at all!

* * * * *

Illustration: A REMINISCENCE.

_Aunt Molly_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "YOU SHALL HAVE _THIS_ BEDROOM, MIKE--THE SAME THAT YOU HAD LAST CHRISTMAS!"

_Mike._ "OH, NOT _THAT_ BEDROOM, AUNT MOLLY!--IT'S CHOKE FULL OF _DREAMS_!"

* * * * *

THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE" OR, PAS DE PANAMA.

The Minuet's cold and modish grace, Delirium of the Carmagnole, Fair France has known. How will she pace _This_ frantic dance, and to what goal? Beginning in triumphant sport, She's tremulous now, with terror cold. The whirl so dizzies, she breathes short; The serpent spirals seem to fold Laocoon-like about her limbs. Tarantula-bitten victims so Whirl madly. Shrinks her head and swims; This is not glory's ardent glow, But fever's hectic, herald sure Of dread corruption, if unstayed. Dance on the footing insecure Of the keen edge of War's red blade, Rather than this mad dervish spin, Drunk with that poison-breath; The music is the devil's din, The dance--the modern Dance of Death!

* * * * *

Illustration: THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE;" OR, PAS DE PANAMA.

* * * * *

LATEST FROM "THE GILBERT ISLANDS."--Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN will probably stay in these islands while writing his new Opera. If successful, these islands will then be annexed by Manager D'OYLY CARTE under the style and title of "The Gilbert and Sullivan Islands."

* * * * *

ON A NEW YEAR'S CARD.

["With kind regards and best wishes for 1893, from Mr. and Mrs. T. BROWN-SMITH and family."]

FROM TOM! It's thirty years ago Or more, since, destined to talk Tamil, he Set sail for foreign lands. And so To-day he boasts a wife and family.

Yes, TOM and I were chums at school, The Matron--how we used to fool her! We broke the very self-same rule, We felt the very self-same ruler.

We gladly in those classic groves Accepted all the Fates provided, And even in our school-boy loves We did not care to be divided.

Three years at Cambridge--where we spent Our money, "linked in friendly tether," Three years that all too quickly went, Then _we_ went down, and went together.

Next year 'twas TOM who went abroad; He vowed that he'd be married--never! But I was then engaged to MAUDE, To MAUDE, who swore to love me ever.

Perhaps she kept her plighted word-- But, if she did, she chose as funny A way as I have ever heard-- She married Some One Else and Money.

Maybe she did not feel inclined To risk the bread-and-cheese and kisses, Or else her calculating mind Preferred "Her Ladyship" to "Mrs."

So I'm unmarried to this day, And live without the great felicity Which, as TOM used of old to say, Can't fail to wait on domesticity.

That joy is his alone, not mine, Misogynist he liked to call himself, Whilst I thought every girl divine-- Yet TOM has been the first to fall himself.

I've missed the sweets of married life, The bills, the coos, and all the rest of it! I cannot boast, like TOM, a wife, I wonder, tho', who's got the best of it?

Fair MAUDE, I willingly allow I thought my heart for ever riven. It wasn't so at all, and now Your Ladyship is quite forgiven.

And TOM, old friend--tried, trusty, true, Across the seas these lines will carry All New-Year greetings, TOM, to you And yours, from Yours, as ever, HARRY.

* * * * *

Should there be a hard frost, lady-skaters in Hyde Park will be able to give quite a new turn to the "Serpentine Dance."

* * * * *

CRINOLINE is gradually coming in again. She re-enters to the air of "_Steel so gently o'er Me steeling_."

* * * * *

Montagu Williams.

BORN, 1834. DIED, DEC. 23, 1892.

["He will be missed far more by lawyers and the world at large than many men who hold more important offices in his profession."--_The Times._]

Companions of his ardent youth, Or comrades of his riper years; The poor who felt his kindly ruth, And mourn him with unpurchased tears; Men of the world whose mordant sense Shorn of all maudlin sentiment Seemed the sharp touchstone of pretence; Soft hearts on swift world-bettering bent, All miss, all mourn the man whom all Responsive found to each high call.

Old long-dead days of boisterous mirth, Far dim-seen hours of arduous fight When gaiety possessed the earth, When morning felt no fear of night; School-form, field, footlights, club! _Eheu Fugaces!_ These, indeed, are fled, But thoughts of dashing MONTAGU, That dauntless soul now lying dead, After long fight with pitiless pain Make the old memories live again.

Before the triumphs of the Court, Before the honours of the Bench, Wild days there were of toil and sport, Long ere our brows had learned to blench At threatenings of the first grey hair. Ah! cordial comrade, champion stout, The fierce ordeal you had to bear Is ended; fortune's final flout Has fallen, and that gallant breast Is still at last in well-earned rest.

It was your happy lot to blend Sound brain and sympathetic heart; The loyal service of a friend, With worldly wisdom keen and tart. Shrewd advocate and councillor keen, You knew the world, yet pitied it; Compassion mild, not cynic spleen Tempered the edge of caustic wit. Farewell! It dims much pomp and state, _Your_ title--"Poor Man's Magistrate!"

* * * * *

AN IDYLL OF THE CROWD.

(_A Tip (after Tennyson) to Tory Topsawyers._)

Come down, O Scribe, from yonder sniffy height; What pleasure lives in "sniff" (the Councillor sang), In sniff and scorn, the weakness of the "swells"? But cease to move so near the clouds, and cease To sit a votary of the "Great Pooh-Pooh"; And come, for Labour's in the valley, come, For Toil dwells in the valley, come thou down And watch him; by the dim slum threshold, he, Or hand in hand with poverty in the docks, Or black with stithy-swartness by the forge, Or troll-like in the mine; nor cares to walk With Wealth and Fashion in the parks and squares; But _follow!_ Come thou down, and let the cold Cramp-headed cynics yelp alone, and leave The mugwump scoffers there to shape and sleek Their thousand paragraphs of acrid joke That like a squirting fountain waste in air: So waste thou not; but come; for hunger pale Awaits thee; haggard pillars of the hearth Appeal to thee; slum children call, and now The Crowd's astir, with every man a Vote To give him voice, and in that voice you'll hear Myriads of "movements" hurrying into "laws," The moan of men at immemorial ills, And murmuring of innumerable shes.

* * * * *

MY LANDSCAPE.

Calm sea, the mirror of a cloudless sky, Blue mountains, in the purple distance fading, Tall, dark-hued pines, through which faint zephyrs sigh, A garden shading.

A view that might inspire a poet's voice, Or minstrel's lute to sweetest music waken-- I came to paint this subject of my choice; My place was taken!

I muttered angry words between my teeth; I could not see the features of _la bella_, I only saw a dress and cloak beneath A great umbrella.

Perhaps some girl, her hair a touzled mop, Plain-featured, round in shoulder, unpoetic, With hygienic boots that flatly flop-- Old style aesthetic.

I came a little closer, just to see. Ye gods, her looks and form were not alarming! A graceful, sweet-faced, dainty maiden she, Completely charming.

The landscape that I loved was what she drew. I felt my coolness towards her quickly thawing; I also stayed to sketch that charming view-- Here is my drawing.

Illustration: MY LANDSCAPE.

* * * * *

Illustration: "SIC ITUR."

***

"SIC ITUR."

The Old Year flits, the New Year comes, And, through such severance, man contrives To parcel out in little sums The little measurements of lives. We feign the one a different year, Outworn, by solemn bells outrung-- The other, foundling of our sphere, As radiant, innocent, and young.

Farewell! we cry, to Ninety-Two, Its lapses and encompassings, We bid them all a fond adieu, And fix our gaze on fresher things; What has not been we dream will be, The wounds will heal, the flaws will mend, And hopes be born of Ninety-Three That older, cherished hopes transcend.

It is not thus; Time mocks at pause, In march continual onward goes; Th' unfailing progress of his laws, No respite nor effacement knows; This year is but the force of last, Not something new to mortal ken; Heredity's enchainment vast Enthrals the moments as the men.

Yet welcome still, our childish trust, Which breathes a truth that Science mars; Our ladder, based upon the dust, Mounts ever nearer steadfast stars; And, though the rungs be still the same, The glimpses, as we strive to rise, Are, 'spite our mists of sin and shame, More closely neighbouring the skies.

* * * * *

MIXED NOTIONS.

No. III.--PANAMA.

SCENE, _and persons as before--namely, two_ Well-informed Men, _an_ Inquirer, _and an_ AVERAGE MAN, _travelling up together in a suburban morning-train to London._

_First Well-informed Man._ Jolly old mess they seem to have got into in Paris over this Panama business. I see they arrested half-a-dozen more of them yesterday.

_Second W. I. M._ Yes--and they haven't done yet. I knew, months and months ago, the crash must come. That French chap, LAMPION told me all about it. He says it'll bust up the Republic before they've done with it.

_First W. I. M._ And a good thing too. That kind of corruption only flourishes under a Republican form of government. They want a strong man in France, that's what they want.

_Average Man._ I don't believe much in your strong men. I suppose the last Emperor was a pretty fair specimen; but they seem to have had some high old ramps under him, too. Besides, look at Russia.

_First W. I. M._ You can't bring Russia forward as an example.

_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. Russia don't count.

_A. M._ Why not? I don't suppose you can make a man much stronger than the CZAR; but, if we're to believe what we're told, the whole place is honeycombed with corruption. Why--(_to_ First W. I. M.)--you were saying yourself, only the other day, that Russia was corrupt to the core.

_First W. I. M._ Oh, but I was speaking of something quite different. Russia is a country _per se_.

_Inquirer._ I thought Russia was an Autocracy.

_First W. I. M._ It's the same thing.

_Second W. I. M._ (_after a pause_). Well, anyhow, we in England haven't done anything of the kind. You can't deny that.

_A. M._ No, we haven't done anything quite on the same scale lately, I admit that. But we've done our best with worthless mines, and bogus Companies of all kinds, and financial papers, and Building Societies. Seems to me we've no right to chuck stones at poor old LESSEPS.

_Inquirer._ Is that the same old chap who did something in Egypt some years ago?

_Second W. I. M._ (_smiling, and superior_). Yes, the very same. He made the Suez Canal.

_Inquirer._ Of course--so he did. That was what we went to the Soudan for, wasn't it?

_Second W. I. M._ (_dubiously_). Well, it had something to do with it, of course. As we'd got four million pounds' worth of shares in the Canal, we couldn't afford to see it upset. And then (_brightening_) there was the Dual Control. That was really at the bottom of the whole business.

_Inquirer._ The Dual Control? I don't remember what that was.

_Second W. I. M._ Why, don't you remember ARABI setting himself up against the KHEDIVE? Well, naturally, we couldn't stand the two of them playing their games there; so we just had to nip in, and smash old ARABI.

_Inquirer._ Of course, I remember the whole business now; Khartoum, and the MAHDI, and all the rest of it. [_A pause._

_Inquirer_ (_returning to the charge_). I wonder why they called it the Panama Canal?

_First W. I. M._ Why shouldn't they? It happens to be its name.

_Inquirer._ Yes, I know that's its name now. But why call it after a straw hat?

_First W. I. M._ (_amazed_). After a _what_?

_Inquirer._ After a straw hat.

_First W. I. M._ (_calmly, but firmly_). It isn't called after a straw hat. The straw hat's called after it. That's all.

_Inquirer_ (_dogged, and unconvinced_). Well, anyhow, I know I bought a Panama hat last summer--and deuced expensive it was, too.

_First W. I. M._ My dear boy, it was made in Panama. Panama's a place.

_Inquirer._ Well, I'm dashed! I never knew that. But what on earth do they want a Canal there for?

_First W. I. M._ Oh, well, I'm bound to admit it would be a convenience. Just think how it would shorten the sea-route. Instead of having to go all the way round Cape What's-his-name--what _is_ that blessed Cape's name?

_Second W. I. M._ (_tentatively_). Cape of Good Hope?

_First W. I. M._ No, no--they're building the Nicaragua Canal for that. Cape--Cape--why, dash it, I shall be forgetting my own name next!

_Inquirer_ (_brilliantly_). Capricorn.

_First W. I. M._ Yes, that's it! Well, instead of having to go all round Cape Ricorn, all we've got to do is to sail to Panama, and--(_impotently concluding_)--there we are!

_Second W. I. M._ Ah, but I don't think they'll ever finish it.

_First W. I. M._ I'm not so sure about that; but, of course, the French couldn't do it.

_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. [_Terminus._

* * * * *

Illustration: "CREDE EXPERTO."

_Q.C._ "YES; I LIKE THE ARMY AS A PROFESSION. I MEAN TO PUT MY SON INTO IT."

_Little Snooks_ (_who was Gazetted the week before last_). "AH, YOU TAKE THE ADVICE OF A MAN WHO KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT--AND _DON'T!_"

* * * * *

VERY CIVIL LAW.

(_With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the London County Council._)

SCENE--_The Interior of the Court under the Patronage of the London County Council._ Judge, _appointed according to the popular view, discovered in the act of passing sentence._

_Judge._ Prisoner in the dock, or I should say, my good friend--for are we not all liable to err?--I have no wish to increase the natural embarrassment of your position. I am here, as you know, to dispense judgment. This I tell you judicially. I am, when I make this statement, merely the mouthpiece of the Law. In my private capacity, I am deeply sorry for you.

_Prisoner_ (_much affected_). Thank you kindly, Sir.

_Judge._ My dear friend, I feel for your misfortunes. I make every allowance for them. By the Statute under whose provisions both of us are here, I notice that I have the power to sentence you to seven years' penal servitude.

_Prisoner_ (_startled_). Seven years! But you ain't going to do it?

_Judge._ My dear friend, I will do nothing that is unjust.

_Prisoner_ (_angrily_). You'd better not, or you'll 'ear of it again!

_Judge._ I hope, I do hope that is not intended as a threat! My object is to treat you courteously, and even considerately, but, as I have already remarked, the Law is, in fact, the Law. Although I represent the London County Council to a very large extent, still I am a Member of the Bar, and, by virtue of my office, a gentleman. Under these circumstances, I shall only be doing my duty--painful as its performance may be--when I sentence you to be kept in penal servitude for seven years.

_Prisoner_ (_indignantly_). What, seven years! Why, you----

[_Scene closes in hurriedly upon a flood of language more forcible than polite. Curtain._

* * * * *

Illustration: THE GRAND OLD PRINTER.

SEVERAL REPORTS HAVE APPEARED IN THE PAPERS ABOUT THE PRINTING OF THE NEW HOME-RULE BILL BY AN OLD EXPERIENCED HAND WORKING IN SECRET.

* * * * *

Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL.

_First Passenger._ "THEY SAY THEY'VE PUT ON DETECTIVES 'ERE, TO CATCH COVES AS TRAVELS WITHOUT TICKETS."

_Second Passenger._ "'AVE THEY? WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, _I_ CAN TRAVEL AS OFTEN AS I LIKE FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA, AND NOT PAY A 'APENNY!"

_Detective._ "SEE HERE MATE; I'LL GIVE YOU HALF-A-CROWN IF YOU TELL ME HOW YOU DO IT."

_Second Passenger_ (_after pocketing the Half-Crown_). "WELL,--WHEN I WANTS TO GIT FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA WITHOUT PAYIN'--_I WALKS!_"

* * * * *

"CUT AND COME AGAIN."

The Annual New-Year's Dinner of Anti-Vivisectionists took place yesterday. The following was the _menu_:--

Oysters--eaten alive.

Turtle Soup--the Turtle having been exhibited for several days previously in a Confectioner's window.

Stewed Eels--chopped up wriggling.

Lobsters--boiled alive.

Prawns--ditto ditto.

Curried Rabbit--trapped.

Pates de Foies Gras.

Roast Pork--Prize Pig, suffocated at a show.

Roast Veal--Calf bled to death to secure an elegant whiteness.

* * * * *

PROBLEM.--At the stranding-of-the-_Howe_ trial there appeared a Witness, whose official position, it appears, is "Hydrographer of the Navy." What is a hydrographer? clearly, by derivation, "a drawer of water." But a ship also "draws water." Therefore, logically, a Hydrographer is a ship. But a ship is never put into a witness-box, where it would be quite at sea, but in the dock, where it could be quite at home. "Truly," writes our Puzzled Correspondent, "there is a muddle somewhere." _Q. E. D._

* * * * *

A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A Laughing-Stock.

* * * * *

SAFE PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR.

Someone will write about the extraordinary characteristic of the Season, whether it be warm or cold.

There will be a Political Crisis in Paris on the average of once in every six weeks.

The German Emperor will continue his tours, to the great inconvenience of the Crowned Heads he favours with a visit.

Mr. GLADSTONE will lecture, write articles to the Magazines, fell trees, and govern the country, as per usual.

Someone will get a trifle tired of Home Rule, the Channel Tunnel, and General BOOTH.

A few persons will leave Europe for America, to see the Chicago Exhibition.

A crowd (more or less) will attend the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-race, the Derby, and the Private View at the Royal Academy.

Mrs. SMITH (after having been presented by My Lady BROWN) will present Miss SMITH, Miss ELFRIDA SMITH, and Miss VICTORIA ALEXANDRA SMITH, at Her MAJESTY'S Drawing-Room.

Mr. and Mrs. PORTLAND SNOOKS will give a dinner-party, which will be reported in the Society papers.

The First Nights at the Lyceum will be amongst the features of the Season.

There will be several failures at the Theatres, and also a success or two.

There will be half a dozen full-dress debates in the House of Commons, and as many important divisions.

The "Popular Budget" is sure, with some people, to be exceedingly unpopular.

The London County Council and the School Board will be censured by the Press.

There will be any number of railway "accidents," and avoidable "deaths by misadventure."

It will be discovered that the British Army is a myth, and that the British Navy is a snare and a delusion.

Parliament will be up in time for the partridges, even if a little late for the grouse.

Everyone will praise the United Kingdom as the land of the tourist, and promptly go abroad.

A subject of deep domestic importance will be discussed in the columns devoted to correspondence in the daily papers during the Silly Season.

A new Author will be discovered, and spring into great popularity with the Publishers, if not with the Public.

Out of every hundred novels, ten per cent. will be absorbed by the London Libraries, and the remainder carted off to the "Circulating Book Emporiums" at the seaside.

A new Magazine will be started, to supply a want hitherto unsuspected.

Someone will write his experiences, and expect someone else to read them.

The children (periodically) will return to school after the holidays, and "men" will go to Oxford and Cambridge, as occasion requires.

Calls to the Bar by the Benchers of the Inns of Court will add materially to the numbers of the Unemployed.

Several social failures will go to the Colonies, and (like a bad shilling) return again.

Professor JONES will call black white, while Professor ROBINSON insists that it is grey.

There will be bags on the moors, and sales at the poulterers'.

The Christmas Numbers will be prepared in May and published in October.

The Divorce Court will be open for the Season, and the Season will amply avail itself of the opportunity.

The year will pass in less than no time, and the Yule-tide greetings will be heard, as it were, shortly after Easter.

* * * * *

Illustration: Going with the Times.

* * * * *

SUBJECT FOR FANCY PICTURE.--Fined five shillings for swearing. A bench of Magisterial Salmon from the River Tees, after considerable consultation, deciding that they cannot pass over the Dinsdale Dam, but admitted that it was quite allowable for a ladylike Salmon to say to the river, "O you Tees!"

* * * * *

"THE _PRESENT_ TIMES."--Christmas and New Year.

* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.