Chapter 3

RAILWAY RATES.--What better rate can there be than that of the Flying Dutchman to the South, and the Flying Scotchman to the North; the two hours and a-half express to Bournemouth, and the Granville two hours to Ramsgate? The word "Rates" is objectionable as being associated with taxes--and to avoid the taxes the Fishermen are going to employ smacks and boys. Poor boys! there are a lot of smacks about. As the Pantomime and Music-hall poet sang, "Tooral looral lido, whacky smacky smack!" But though they, the Fishermen, hereby avoid the Rails, yet they can't do without their network of lines.

* * * * *

When an actor has to make love to an actress on the stage, it is "purely a matter of business." Real "love-making" is never a matter of business; most often 'tis very much the contrary. The "matter of business" comes in with "making an uncommonly good marriage," but the love-making has little to do with this, except as it is, on the stage, "a matter of business."

* * * * *

THE RAILWAY SERVANT'S VADE-MECUM.

_Question._ What are the duties of a Pointsman?

_Answer._ To remember the effect of moving the switches.

_Q._ When is he likely to cease to remember this important detail?

_A._ After he has been on duty a certain or uncertain number of hours.

_Q._ Do these conditions also appertain to the labours of a man in the signal-box?

_A._ Certainly, but in a more marked degree.

_Q._ What would a collision consequent upon the occasion to which you have referred be called?

_A._ Generally, "an accident."

_Q._ But would there ever be an exception to this nomenclature?

_A._ Yes; in the case of a Coroner being over-officious, and his Jury "turning nasty."

_Q._ What would be the effect of this unpleasant combination of circumstances?

_A._ That a verdict of "Manslaughter" would be given against the occupant of the signal-box.

_Q._ What would happen to his superiors?

_A._ Nothing. However, they would be required to see the proper evidence was forthcoming at the prisoner's trial.

_Q._ What would be the end of the incident?

_A._ Six months hard labour from the Bench, and a day's sympathy from the general Public for the ex-occupant of the signal-box.

_Q._ What are the duties of a Station-master?

_A._ To be civil to season-ticket holders, and to refer the general Public to officials of smaller importance than himself.

_Q._ What is your impression of an ideal Station-master?

_A._ A gentleman in correct morning dress taking a deep interest savouring of sincere satisfaction in all the arrangements of the traffic over which he exercises a qualified control.

_Q._ If he is asked why such and such a train is an hour late, what should he reply?

_A._ He should observe cheerily that it keeps better time than it used to do.

_Q._ Should he ever exhibit surprise?

_A._ Only when a train enters the station punctually to the moment, then he may safely presume that there must have been an accident somewhere.

_Q._ And now in conclusion, how can an official secure in all human probability a long life?

_A._ By taking care never to travel on his own line?

* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.