Chapter 3

had her hair dressed by her Maid_.

_Mrs. T._ You might have given me more of a fringe than that, PINNIFER. You don't make nearly so much of my hair as you used to! (PINNIFER _discreetly suppress the obvious retort_.) Well, I suppose that must do. I shan't require you any more. Go down and see if the lamps in the drawing-room are smelling. (PINNIFER _goes; sounds of ablutions are heard from_ Mr. T.'s _dressing-room_.) MONTAGUE, is that you? I never heard you come in.

_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_indistinctly._) Only just this moment come up, my dear. Been putting out the wine.

_Mrs. T._ You always _will_ leave everything to the last. No, don't come in. What? How can I hear what you say when you keep on splashing and spluttering like that?

_Mr. T.'s Voice_ (_from beneath a towel._) That dozen of Champagne Uncle GABRIEL sent has run lower than I thought--only two bottles and a pint left. And he can't drink that _Saumur_.

_Mrs. T._ Two bottles and a half ought to be ample, if SEAKALE manages properly--among twelve.

_Mr. T.'s V._ Twelve, my love? you mean _fourteen_!

_Mrs. T._ I mean nothing of the sort. Mrs. TOOMER'S got influenza again--luckily, so of course we shall be just twelve.

_Mr. T.'s V._ MARIA, why didn't you tell me that before? Because I say, look here!----

[_He half opens the door._

_Mrs. T._ I won't have you coming in here all over soap, there's nothing to get excited about. Twelve's a very convenient number.

_Mr. T.'s V._ Twelve! Yes--but how about that fellow you told me to order from BLANKLEY'S? He'll be the thirteenth!

_Mrs. T._ MONTAGUE, _don't_ say you went and ordered him, after I expressly said you were not to mind, and that I would see about it myself! You heard me call after you from the front door?

_Mr. T.'s V._ I--I understood you to say that I was to mind and see to it myself; and so I went there the very first thing. The Manager assured me he would send us a person accustomed to the best society, who would give every satisfaction. _I_ couldn't be expected to know you had changed your mind!

_Mrs. T._ How _could_ you be so idiotic! We simply can't sit down thirteen. Uncle will think we did it on purpose to shorten his life, MONTAGUE, do something--write, and put him off, quick--do you hear?

_Mr. T.'s V._ (_plaintively_). My love, I _can't_ write while I'm like this--and I've no pen and ink in here, either!

_Jane_ (_outside_). Please, Sir, SEAKALE would like a word with you about the Sherry you put out--it don't seem to ta--smell quite right to him.

_Mrs. T._ Oh, never mind Sherry _now_. (_She scribbles on a leaf from her pocket-book._) Here, JANE, tell SEAKALE to run with this to BLANKLEY'S--quick.... There, MONTAGUE I've written to BLANKLEY'S not to send the man--they're sure to keep that sort of person on the premises; so, if SEAKALE gets there before they close, it will be all right.... Oh, don't worry so.... What? White ties! How should _I_ know where they are? You should speak to JANE. And do, for goodness sake, make haste! _I'm_ going down.

_Mr. T._ (_alone_). MARIA! hi.... She's gone--and she never told me what I'm to do if this confounded fellow turns up, after all! Hang it, I must have a tie somewhere!

[_He pulls out drawer after drawer of his wardrobe, in a violent flurry._

* * * * *

THE RAILWAY SERVANT'S VADE MECUM.

(_For Use in the Training School when the proposed Institution has been established._)

_Question._ What are the duties of a Porter?

_Answer._ To move passengers' luggage with the greatest possible expedition.

_Q._ Is there any exception to that general rule?

_A._ Yes, when the passenger is late, and there seems some doubt about the bestowal of a tip.

_Q._ How would he inform passengers that they have to change carriages for, say, Felstead, Margate, Highgate, Winchester and Scarborough.

_A._ By shouting, in one word, "Change-Felgit-Highchester-and-Boro!"

_Q._ If he had to call a Cab for an elderly Lady with three boxes, or a military-looking Gentleman with an umbrella, which passenger would first claim his attention?

_A._ Why, of course, the Captain.

_Q._ What is the customary charge of a Guard for reserving a compartment?

_A._ A shilling for closing one of the doors, half-a-crown for locking both.

_Q._ What are the duties of a Booking-Clerk?

_A._ If very busy, a Booking-Clerk may walk leisurely from one pigeon-hole to the other, and ask the passenger to repeat his demand, and then take some time in finding the required amount of change. If the passenger is irritable, and in a hurry, the Clerk can stop to explain, and remonstrate. In the case of an inquiry as to the progress of the trains, a busy Booking-Clerk can refer impatient passengers to the time-table hanging outside the station.

_Q._ When is a Booking-Clerk usually very busy?

_A._ When he happens to be in a bad temper.

_Q._ Ought a suggestion from the Public that the Public will write to his superiors have any effect upon a Booking-Clerk?

_A._ Not if the Public has just taken an express ticket in London either for Melbourne, Australia, or Timbuctoo.

_Q._ What is the best course for the Public to pursue under such circumstances?

_A._ To bear it either with or without a grin.

_Q._ Is there much point about a Pointsman?

_A._ Not after he has been on duty some eighteen hours.

_Q._ And does his application of the break suggest anything?

_A._ Yes, a break in this catechism. More on a future occasion.

* * * * *

A SUGGESTION FOR PANTOMIME.--The good Fairy, Sir DRURIOLANUS, triumphing over Evil Spirits, King Fog, Frost ("he's a nipper, he is!"), and Slush, the obstructionists. Evil Spirits disappear, Good Spirits prevail, and, as _Kate Nickleby's_ lunatic lover observed, "All is gas and gaiters!" Messrs. DAN LENO and CAMPBELL are doing great business just now. _Vive_ DRURIOLANUS PANTOMIMICUS IMPERATOR!

* * * * *

A Meeting between the "Unemployed and Mr. GLADSTONE." What a contrast!

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