Chapter 3

We went as strate as we coud go to the Lakes of Killarny, and if that isn't jest about as lovly a plaice as the hole world can show, why then let sumbody show me another as is. If anyboddy arsked me if it never rained there, truth wood make me say yes, it most suttenly does sumtimes, but then so it does ewerywheres in ollidy time excep where it's most speshally wanted.

My Guvner's fust harty larf was at dinner on the fust day, when he told me to ring for sum pepper. TIM the Waiter arnsered the bell, and I told him what was wanted, and I scarce xpecs to be bleeved when I says, as he cums back and he says, says he, "If you plase, Sir, sure the Pepper's engaged!" I thort the Guvner wood ha larfed hisself hill, but he soon recovered, and said, "Thin niver mind TIM, we'll do without it to-day, but let us have fust turn at it to-morrow." "Suttenly, your honour," says TIM, and wanishes.

The next day, after driving us round the naybourhood, he came in without being arsked, and goes to the fire and warms his hands, and then says with a broad grin, "Sure it's a jolly lucky cupple as you are, for the rains a bustin down like thunder!" When handing the unpeeled Potatows to the Guvner he wood pint his finger at one and say, "That's a rale buty, Sir!"

I spose as the Guvner was rayther libberal to TIM, when we left, as all reel gennelmen allus is, for the tears acshally came into the pore feller's eyes, and he blessed us both, and wished as a few more genelman like _us_ woud sumtimes wisit poor old Ireland!

We stayed about a fortnight, but we didn't see another Waiter like poor TIM, who was the werry fust humane being as hever called me a gennelman, pore feller! but we had a werry nice time of it on the hole, which I may p'raps elude to sum day, when things ain't quite so brisk as they is just now, and I must say as my Guvner behaved like the reel Gennelman as he is, when we cum for to settel up.

ROBERT.

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SECUNDUM HARTY.

["I have even gone so low as 1d. a course ... with enough success as to elicit effusive eulogies from some distinguished literary persons ..."--_Mr. Ernest Hart in "Where are the Cooks?"--Daily Graphic, Oct. 18._]

Oh! where are the Cooks; where on earth can they be? Pray, hark to the Housekeeper's pitiful moan. Mr. HART seems to know, and he tells us, with glee, Of a plan which is his, and is his, too, alone. It's a plan for a dinner, that's easily shown To be cheap, and of pleasure the joy-giving source, 'Tis a wonderful plan--hear the epicure groan-- It costs just exactly one penny a course.

The dinner's Hartistic. Sweet HART says that he Had a meal fit to soften the heart of a stone, There were guests men of letters, and lofty degree-- Who wore pleased, and not only saw fit to condone, But who ransacked each country, land, continent, zone, For encomiums of praise, till they really grew hoarse. But would they have done so, had only they known It cost just exactly one penny a course?

Yes, a penny a head. It's not easy to see How it's done for the price of a bun or a scone. When the Mistress and Cook find it hard to agree, And the former of these is provokingly prone With the latter to pick a most terrible bone, When it seems that disaster must follow perforce, Oh! whisper them this in a Hart rending tone-- It costs just exactly one penny a course!

L'ENVOI.

O Host, if all other ideas have flown, Remember this plan as a final resource, Be Harty! Be Earnest! Make _his_ plan your own! It costs just exactly one penny a course!

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THE REAL ART OF BOOK-KEEPING.--Never to lend!

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