Chapter 3

_Mr. G._ (_roused at last_). What, I'm to cop the push, am I? An' what _for_, eh? What 'ave I done more than you swells ha' bin doin' ever since the Elections started? (_To_ Lady N.) You come pokin' into _our_ 'ouses, without waitin' to be invited, arskin' questions and soft-sawderin', and leavin' tracks and coloured picters--and we put up with it all. But as soon as one of _us_ tries it on, what do yer do?--ring for the Chucker-out! Ah, and reason enough, too--yer know yer'll get beaten on the argyments! (_Here he is gently but firmly led out by_ CLARKSON, _and concludes his observations on the' stairs outside._) Stuck-up, pudden'-'eaded fossils!... battenin' on the People's brains!... your time'll come some day!... Wait till QUELCH 'ears o' this! &c., &c.

_Lady N._ (_alone_). Thank goodness he's gone!--but _what_ an ordeal! I really _must_ part with CLARKSON. And--whatever the Primrose League Council may say--I shall have to tell them I _must_ give up canvassing. I don't think I _can_ do it any more--after this!

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

"Read it!" said Everyone. "Read what?" asked the Baron. "_The Wrecker_," answered Everyone. "I will," quoth the Baron, promptly. And--it was done. It took some time to do, but of this more anon. The Baron's time is fully occupied, never mind how, but fully, take his word for it. A copy of _The Wrecker_ was at once provided by its publishers, Messrs. CASSELL & Co., and the question for the Baron to consider, was not "What will I do with it?" but How, when, and where, will I read it? Clearly 'twas no ordinary book. Everybody was saying so, and what Everybody is saying has considerable weight. A book not to be trained through at express pace, so that the beauties of the surrounding scenery would be lost, but something that when once taken up cannot be put down again, like the brass knobs worked by an electric-battery,--something giving you fits and starts, and shocks, as do the electric brass-knobs aforesaid; something that, if you begin it at 4 P.M., exhausts you by dinner-time, and after dinner, keeps you awake till you read the last line at 2 A.M., and then tumble into bed parched, fevered, exhausted, but in ecstasies of delight, feeling as if you were the hero who had experienced all the dangers, and had come out of them triumphantly.

Such were the Baron's anticipations as to the joys in store for him on reading _The Wrecker_, by Messrs. ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON and LLOYD OSBOURNE. The Baron hit on a plan, he must isolate himself as if he were a telephone-wire. "Good," quoth he, "Isolation is the sincerest flattery,--towards authors." The friend in need, not in the sense of being out at elbows, appeared at the right moment, as did the Slave of the Lamp to _Aladdin_. "Come to my house in the mountains," said this Genius, heartily; "come to the wold where the foxes dwell, not a hundred miles from a cab-stand, yet far far away,--amid lovely scenery, in beautiful air, to quiet reposeful rooms, with the silence of the cloister and the jollity of the Hall where beards wag all, in the evening, when the daily task is done." "Friend REGINALD SYDE, I thank thee," responded gratefully the Baron. "I am there!" And in less time than it takes to go the whole distance in a four-horsed coach with a horn blowing and the horses blown, the Baron, travelling by special express, was there,--all there! The Authorities on the line made no extra charge for taking _The Wrecker_ as luggage.

The weather was favourable for reading; an interminable downpour, when one is grateful for any book, even a _Dictionary of Dates_, or the remains of a _Boyle's Court Guide_. The Brave Baron shut himself into his room, laid in stores of tobacco and grog, decided, in the course of half an hour, on a comfortable position, and then laid himself out for the perusal, not to say the study, of _The Wrecker_. Introductory Chapter excellent,--appetising. "_Oliver_ asks for more," murmurs the Baron to himself, settling down to "the Yarn." Chapter I. Now a strange thing happened. The Story broke off! suddenly--inexplicably. Descriptions, yes, by the handful, by the cartload--all excellent, no doubt--and much to be appreciated by a reader with nothing on earth to do the whole year round; but, about page 53, the Baron began to be uneasy, shifted his pillows, refilled pipe, took "modest quencher," and then turned to grapple with _The Wrecker_. No good. Where the deuce had the Story got to? When would the excitement come in? Where was the sensation? Toiling on, went the Baron, stopping frequently to wish he had a dictionary wherein he might ascertain the meaning of strange, uncouth words and phrases, and to anathematise the Authors separately or together. Had OSBOURNE interfered with STEVENSON, or was STEVENSON allowing OSBOURNE to have his say, reserving himself for a grand _coup_ at half-price? Would OSBOURNE chuck STEVENSON overboard, or was it to be t'other way off? At page 90 the Baron decided he would take a walk round, even if it were pouring cats and dogs, and exclaiming, "Air, air, give me air!" he rushed forth. It was fine. A brisk walk and a talk--just like King CHARLES "who walked and talked"--with his genial host REGI SYDE, restored the Baron's circulation, and made him wonder to himself at the reported great circulation of the book. Back to his room again--into easy chair--p. 100--_Happy Thought_. This book is about ships and sea, The Baron will be a Skipper!--and so he skips, skips, with great relief, until "A sail in sight appears,"--spell it "sale," and there's a picture of it--"He hails it with three cheers!"

Now the Story, at p. 134, begins in good earnest, and, except for the idle dilletante reader, all the foregoing, from the first Chapter, might go by the board--that is, as far as the Baron can make out. He speaks only for himself. The Chapter describing the sale by auction is first-rate; no doubt about it. The Baron's spirits, just now down to zero, rose to over 100°. On we go: Throw over OSBOURNE, and come along with Louis STEVENSON of _Treasure Island_. Bah! that exciting Chapter was but a flash in the pan: brilliant but brief: and "Here we are!" growls the Baron, "struggling along among a lot of puzzling lumber in search of excitement number two, which does not seem to come until Chapter XXIV., p. 383." Then there is a good blow out--of brains, a scrimmaging, a banging, and a firing, and a scuffling, and a fainting, and one marvellous effect. And then--is heard no more. The Baron harks back, harks for'ard. No: puzzlement is his portion. Who was who, when everybody turned out to be somebody else? Where was the Money? or more important, Where is the Interest? "Well, that I cannot tell," quoth he, "but 'twas a famous queer Sto-_ree_!" Perhaps the Baron, reading against time, did not do it justice; or, perhaps he did. Anyway, meeting a Lady-Stevensonian admirer, the Baron ventured to communicate to her his great disappointment; whereupon she timidly whispered, "Well, Baron, to tell you the truth, I quite agree with you. I found it awfully tedious--except the sensations; but everybody is praising it; so please, O please, do not betray my secret!" "Madam, a lady's secret, even the universally-known _Lady Audley's Secret_, is inviolable when intrusted to

Your devoted Servant, THE BARON DE B.-W."

* * * * *

SUMMERUMBRELLA.

I long for sunshine, such as there must be In Egypt, blazing on the native Fellah; I see no sun or sky, I only see My own Umbrella!

"No sun, no moon," as HOOD wrote long ago, "No sky," no star--called, by the Romans, _stella_-- Like negative November here below, My own Umbrella!

Think not of "AMARYLLIS in the shade"! Can I play tennis in the rain with BELLA, Holding aloft, while through the flood I wade, My own Umbrella?

I'm sick of sitting in the Club to scoff; I'll take a walk. Hang me! Some English "fellah" Has left his rotten gamp, and carried off My own Umbrella!

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[fist] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.