Chapter 2

The advertisement, the publicity, caused _Wilton's Wooing_ to be eagerly asked for. BROWZER'S book went into ten editions, and a large issue, at six shillings. Next year BROWZER'S publishers proved that he owed them £37 14s. 6d. This was disappointing, and even inexplicable, but BROWZER'S fortune was made, and now he is much lauded by all the reviewers.

The Foreman of the Jury is my grocer, and I ventured, in the confidence of private life, to question the justice of the verdict. "Well," he said, "you see it comes to _this_: where is this to stop? Mr. BROWZER, he sells novels; I sell groceries."

"Excellent of their kind!" I interrupted.

"Well, I try to give satisfaction; and so does Mr. BROWZER. If that young Mr. SMITH writes to the papers that my sugars are not original, that I plagiarise them from a sand-bunker, or that my teas are not good Chinese,--like Mr. BROWZER'S French, which is what is usual in the Trade,--why, then, he interferes with my business. I bring my action, and hope to win it; and so, as a tradesman, I feel that Mr. BROWZER was wronged." There was no reply to these arguments, but I pity the Reviewers.

* * * * *

TO MAUD.--A BIRTHDAY ROUNDEL.

An empty purse! It's true we often say This weary world of ours knows nothing worse, And yet I send you, on this festive day, An empty purse.

Do not consign to an untimely hearse The friend who treats you in this heartless way. Don't let your pretty lips invoke a curse, But let me wish you happiness, and may You guess the reason from this little verse Why at your feet to-day I humbly lay An empty purse.

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

The worst thing about Mrs. HENNIKER'S new Novel, published by HURST AND BLACKETT, is its title. There is a _London-Journal_ish, penny-plain-twopence-coloured smack about _Foiled_ which is misleading. My Baronite says he misses the re-iterated interjection which should accompany the verb. "Ha! Ha! Foiled!!" would seem to be more the thing--but it isn't. The story is a simple one, wound about an old theme. It is well constructed, and admirably told. All the characters are what are called Society people; but Mrs. HENNIKER has studied them in the drawing-room, not from the area-railings, and reproduces them on her page with vivid strokes. Some of her acquaintances will probably feel uneasy when they read about _Lord Huddersfield_; whilst others will be quite sure that (among their sisters), they recognise _Mrs. Anthony Gore_. Those not in Society of to-day will find reminiscences of _Becky Sharp_ in _Mrs. Gore_; whilst big-boned, good-natured, simple-hearted _Anthony_, pleasantly recalls _Major Dobbin_. The book is full of shrewd observation, and fine touches of character-drawing, with refreshing oases of flower-garden and moor in Yorkshire and Scotland.

* * * * *

Those who like a good "gashly" book should, my Baronite says, forthwith send for _Lord Wastwater_ (BLACKWOOD). The plot is so eerie, and its conclusion so incredulous, that the practised novel-reader, seeing whither he is being led, almost up to the last page expects the threatened blow will be averted by some more or less probable agency. But Mr. (or Miss) SYDNEY BOLTON is inexorable. _Lord Wastwater_ is dead now, and there can be no harm in saying that the House of Lords is well rid of his impending company. He would have made a sad Duke.

* * * * *

A little more than a year ago, in celebration of the seventieth birthday of HENRIETTE RONNER, there was published a volume containing reproductions in photogravure of some of the works of that charming painter. Madame RONNER knows the harmless, necessary cat as intimately as ROSA BONHEUR knows the horse or the ox. She has painted it with loving hand, in all circumstances of its strangely-varied life. No one knows, my Baronite says, how pretty and graceful a thing a cat is, till they study it with the assistance of Madame RONNER. CASSELLS afford opportunity of making this study by presentation of a new and cheaper edition of the volume, with cats in all attitudes purring round an interesting essay on themselves, and their Portraiture, contributed by Mr. H. M. SPIELMANN.

* * * * *

Wishing all of you, Constant Riters and Constant Readers, a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am, yours ever,

THE BLITHESOME BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

CHRISTMAS NUMBERS.

(_By a Comfort-loving Old Curmudgeon._)

Yes, the boys home from school are all playing the fool With the house and its fittings from garret to basement. The girls, too, are back, and continual clack Goes on all day long, to home comfort's effacement. The pudding's as sticky, the holly as pricky, The smell of sour oranges awful as ever; Stuffed hamper-unpackers, and pullers of crackers, At making of litter and noise just as clever. The stairs are all rustle, the hall's full of bustle, Cold draughts and the banging of doors are incessant. They're nailing up greenery, putting up "scenery," Ready for plays; 'tis a process unpleasant! A strong smell of size, dabs of paint in one's eyes, And "rehearsals" don't add to the charm of one's drawing-room. My pet easy-chairs are all bundled down-stairs, To leave the young idiots stage-space and more jawing-room For "Private Theatricals." Wax on my hat trickles From "Christmas Candles," that spot all the passages. Heart-cheering youthfulness? Common-sense truthfulness Tell us, at Christmas, youth's crassest of crass ages. From kitchen to attic plates polychromatic, From some "Christmas Number," make lumber. Good Heavens! Ye young Yule-tide stuffers, _we_ know, we old buffers, The _true_ "Christmas Numbers" are--Sixes and Sevens!

* * * * *

SPORTING NOTES.

* * * * *

The Friendlies in "Mars."--We are beginning to know more and more about the planet _Mars_ every day. There are newspapers in _Mars_. Their journalists are going to communicate (by electric flash-light signals) news to Earth. Look out for "Pars from _Mars_." The Pa's probably intend having a good time of it when they get away for a Christmas holiday.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE YOUNG GUARD.

"_Old Sentry._ For this relief, much thanks; 'tis bitter cold, And I am sick at heart."--_Hamlet._

First Sentry-go! Night, stars and snow! The air bites shrewdly, nipping, eager, As in old Denmark long ago. A long, long watch through storm and leaguer That dim, departing Sentinel Has held. He hails the Young Guard's entry-- "Who goes there?" "Friend!" "Pass, friend!" "All's well!" Tired age retreats--fresh youth's on sentry.

All's Well? Why that's a formal hail From Guard to Guard. "Not a mouse stirring," _Francisco_ cried, chill, sleepy, pale. No bat through night-wastes wheeling, whirring; No trumpet's shrill, no rocket's roar. And here all seems as calm and quiet As on the heights of Elsinore,-- Save for far sounds of wassail riot.

Some "wake to-night and take their rouse" In England as in Denmark, doubtless, But here calm broods on midnight's brows; The flag clings to the flag-staff, floutless; And if ghosts walk--well, youngling Year, With hints of spectres why alarm you? Take your first watch, boy, void of fear, With hope, that inward fire, to warm you!

The Old Guards know that youthful glow Is not the only thing that's needed For a long spell of Sentry-go; But when were veteran croakings heeded? And if they were, would carking care, Not wrinkle boy-brow prematurely? All's well--to-night. May your watch fare Serenely, steadfastly, securely.

Angels and ministers of grace Defend you from all spooks alarming! There's something in your younker face That even ghosts should find disarming. They come in questionable shapes, Those phantoms of the Social Crisis. Are their cries menaces--or japes? These be _our_ Mysteries of Isis!

The Citadel you have to ward Is old, and forces new are mustering. Vigilant valour will afford More help, my boy, than fear or flustering. Young HARRY with his beaver up Should be your model, my young "nipper!" _Punch_, lifting high a brimming cup, Tips the Young Guard a friendly flipper!

* * * * *

DISTINGUISHED INVALID.--The latest bulletin states that "Mr. C. A. PEARSON still continues weekly. Whether circulation is much impaired will be ascertained within a short time." Dr. STEPHENSON, his Medical Adviser, thinks the system must have sustained a severe shock, but hopes that entire rest, coupled with a liberal diet, may eventually be successful in combating the malady.

* * * * *

TO SOME EXPECTANT BARDS.

God rest you, merry gentlemen! You twittering, chirping poetasters. What though you ply for praise the pen, 'Tis a mad world, you know, my masters.

And therefore in our land of fools, Where genius starves in many a gutter, And all the lore of all the schools Scarce finds a man in bread-and-butter;

Where rhymes abound, though small and few The prizes are that any bard won, Your lot, O facile rhyming crew Of would-be laureates, is a hard one.

Go on and versify. God wot, With bards and rhymes I would not quarrel. You have my sympathies, but not (And may it so remain) the laurel.

* * * * *

EXTRAORDINARY FACT IN NATURAL HISTORY.--A Gentleman, whose name is well known in scientific circles, vouches for the following fact. He was, he says, passing a poulterer's shop, when he actually saw _a hare buy a rabbit!!_ He subsequently added, that much depended on the way of spelling "buy."

* * * * *

Mrs. R., whose nephew broke his leg at football the other day, told a friend that it was a confounded fraction, but she hoped the bones would ignite in the end.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PHANTASMA-GORE-IA!

_Picturing the Various Modes of Melodramatic Murder._ (_By Our "Off-his"-Head Poet._)

No. III.--THE REVOLVER MURDER.

From Bow comes the fur that's on his coat, From Germany comes his watch; His trousers the "London make" denote, His accent is Franco-Scotch; His liquor is Special Scotch; He "guesses" much, and he says "You bet"; His manner is slow and sly; His smoke is a Turkish cigarette, For he is a Russian Spy-- A blood-seeking Russian Spy!

Oh! how will the woes of Virtue end? 'Tis late in the Five-Act play; And Fortune still is dark Vice's friend, And villany holds its sway, Its truly wonderful sway! 'Twould scarce be the thing for Vice to crow, And Virtue to sink and die; The end must arrive _some_ time, we know-- So bring on your Russian Spy,-- Come, out with your Russian Spy!

It cannot be long! The time is here For Virtue to pardon Vice, Providing he does not live too near, Or call more than once or twice-- Look in more than once or twice.

But wrongs are not brooked by Russian gents-- They're awfully angry fry! The hero may pardon past events, But not so the Russian Spy,-- 'Tis death from the Russian Spy!

So as humbled Vice up stage retires, Forgiven by him, he'd slay (A noble revenge the House admires, By utterly giving way-- By sniffingly giving way)-- The Spy, with revolver, comes down C., And aims at the evening sky, And down tumbles Vice, as dead as three, From lead from the Russian Spy!-- Oh! accurate Russian Spy!

* * * * *

SOMETHING LIKE A COUNTY-COUNCILLOR.

(_Being Evidence taken in the Palace of Truth._)

_Question._ And so you object to Theatres and Music-Halls?

_Answer._ Certainly; and know as much about one as the other.

_Q._ Do you approve of SHAKSPEARE?

_A._ Certainly not; nor of any other playwright.

_Q._ Have you ever read a dramatic composition?

_A._ Never; it is against my principles to peruse such (so-called) literature.

_Q._ Then why do you object to the Author's work?

_A._ Because I know if I were SHAKSPEARE or any of his colleagues, my writings would be entirely unfit for representation.

_Q._ Have you ever entered a Theatre?

_A._ Certainly not; and never shall.

_Q._ Have you visited a Music-Hall?

_A._ Emphatically no, and don't want to.

_Q._ Then why do you complain of them?

_A._ Because my imagination pictures them as indescribably horrible.

_Q._ How comes it that knowing so little, you have been sent to adjudicate upon so much?

_A._ Because I was elected by the know-nothings of the district I have the honour to represent.

_Q._ And what became of the rest of the constituency?

_A._ You mean the majority--oh, they didn't take the trouble to register their votes.

_Q._ Then you are the mouthpiece of ignorance and incompetence?

_A._ Certainly--but that is not a pretty way of putting it!

* * * * *

On the Speculative Builder.

He's the readiest customer living, While you're lending, or spending, or giving; But when you'd make profit, or get back your own, He's the awkwardest customer ever you've known.

SONG AT CHRISTMAS.--"_Then Yule Remember Me!_"

* * * * *

"ANECDOTAGE."

_Companion Volume to other Works of the same kind._

The Duke of WELLINGTON never could persuade GEORGE THE FOURTH that he was not present at Waterloo. One day his MAJESTY, talking over the table, said to his Grace, "I perfectly well remember your crying to the Grenadiers, 'Up, Guards, and at them!'" "Yes, Sire," replied the Duke, "so I have been told before." The King smiled at the jest, but never forgave the carefully-concealed sarcasm.

* * * * *

REFUGE FOR EGOTISTS.--"The Eye Hospital." The Specialist who attends should be Member for Eye.

* * * * *

ODE TO SAPONACEA.

Who claims my strongest missing noun, When sheets as soft and white as down, Return in colour yellowy-brown? My Laundress!

Who by her science can convert My best and most expensive shirt Into a miracle of dirt? My Laundress!

Who, when my collars come back frayed, Receives my protests undismayed, And merely wishes to be paid? My Laundress!

Who spite of warnings that one gives, Turns cambric kerchiefs into sieves, Or ragged trellis-work--and lives! My Laundress!

Who at the wash-tub, truth to tell, Is partly fraud and partly sell, Yet does her "mangling" very well? My Laundress!

* * * * *

THE POET'S LOVE.

My Lady's name I cannot state, At different times I greet her As CHLOE, AMARYLLIS, KATE, According to the metre; I've called her MABEL many a time,-- A name which leads itself to rhyme.

My Lady's hair is sometimes black To match her sable dresses, At others falls about her back In glorious auburn tresses, Yet do not take me to imply She's given to the use of dye.

I like her when she's sweet and small, The daintiest of flowers, I love her when, divinely tall, Above the rest she towers; And yet, as second thoughts suggest, Perhaps a golden mean were best.

Sometimes, a simple rustic maid, She strays through meadows green, Sometimes her beauty is displayed In glittering ball-room scene; More recently I've thought upon Creating her a lady-Don.

This peerless girl of whom I speak I ever worship blindly And sing her praises once a week, If editors are kindly; Alas, this paragon, I own, Exists within my verse alone!

* * * * *

A CHILLING WINTER "DRAFT."--That of The Home-Rule Bill.

* * * * *

* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

* * * * *

Adapted from the French, 274

Ad Puellam, 73

Advancing Years, 150

Advertising In Excelsis, 94

Advice to the G. O. M., 45

Afternoon Sail (An), 64

Aids to Larceny, 63

All at Sea, 77

All Round the Fair, 232, 244, 256, 268

Alone in London! 54

American Ganymede (The), 230

Anecdotage, 168, 181, 186

Announcement, 150

Another Meaning, 231

Antiquity of Golf, 73

Apologia Arrygatensis, 201

'Arriet, 73

'Arry at 'Arrygate, 133, 169

'Arry in Venice, 88

"Art Competitions," 289

Aspiration, 72

At a Hypnotic Séance, 157

At a Rink, 258

At a Vegetarian Restaurant, 280

At it Again! 196

At Last! 162

At the Patten-makers' Banquet, 155

At the Wild West, 4

Austro-German Officers' Vade Mecum, 171

Autumn Afternoon at Nazareth House (An), 213

BALFOUR and Salisbury, 86

Battle of the Bards (The), 182, 201

"Bear with us!" 29

Be-Littler-ing Mr. Gladstone's Majority, 39

"Best Evidence "--how not to get it (The), 257

Between the Acts, 185

Bewildered Tourist and the Rival Sirens (The), 50

Birds of a Feather, 49

"Blower" burst up (The), 122

Bogey or Benefactor? 258

Boom-de-ay Poet (The), 226

Bravo, Bobby! 162

Brummagem Birdcatcher (The), 218

Builder and the Architect (The), 96

By-and-by Laws for Trafalgar Square, 159

Cabbin' it Council, 243

Candidate's Complete Letter-Writer, 3

Canvassers and Canvassed, 28

Caron and Charon, 196

Caudal Lecture (A), 72

Charity begins Abroad, 267

Château d'If (The), 142

Choosing Christmas Toys, 299

Choosing his Words, 99

"Christmas is Coming!" 238, 294

Christmas Numbers, 305

Church and Booth, 16

City Paradox (A), 158

Classical Question, 249

"Closed for Alterations and Repairs," 6

Columbus, 186

Commerce à l'Americaine, 36

Compendiously Grammatical Tree (A), 105

Compliment of Coin (The), 262

Compliments of the Season (The), 301

Conversational Hints for Young Shooters, 159, 180, 190, 204, 205, 220, 240, 245, 261, 265

Coriolanus, 15

Costs as they are and will be, 226

County-Councillor's Diary (The), 195

Court Jesters (The), 209

"Court On!" 53

"Crossing the Bar!" 174

Cry of the Children (The), 27

Cui Bono? 73

Cycle-riding Dustman (The), 58

"DAVY Jones's Locker," 270

"Dearest Chuck!" 12

De Coronâ, 165

Degree Better (A), 281

Diary of an Explorer à la Russe (The), 61

Diary of a Statesman, 286

Diary of the Dead Season (A), 109

Doe versus Roe(dent), 180

Druriolanus in (Music) Aulis, 49

Druriolanus's Next, 102

Duffer in Politics (The), 40

Dust and Hashes, 27

ECCLESIASTICAL Intelligence, 180

Election Agonies, 75

Election Notes, 9

End of Henley (The), 21

En-nobbling Spectacle (An), 156

Essence of Parliament, 71, 82, 94

Evening from Home (An), 264

Exact, 53

Examination Paper for a Press Candidate, 155

FACT, or Funk? 273

Faults o' Both Sides, 246

Feeling their Way, 100

Fight for the Standard (The), 255

Fighting "Foudroyant" (The), 135

Fine, or Refine? 77

Flowery, but not Mealy-Mouthed, 138

Forte Scutum Salus Ducum, 63

Frog he would a-Rowing go (A), 170

From Day to Day, 25

From Newcastle, 37

From Pencil to Pen, 288

From the Vale of Llangolflyn, 126

GAME of the Little Horses, 217

Geographical Theory (A), 42

German and Horse-trying Ride (The), 189

German Waters (The), 99

Good Old (Sunday) Times Revived (The), 207

Good Stayer (A), 30

Grand Old Diary for 1893 (A), 303

"Gratuitous Opinion" (The), 130

"Great Scott!" 86

Great Unknown (The), 189

"Green the Guide," 172

Guy Fox Populi, 208

"HABITUAL Drunkards Committee," 158

Hat to the Parasol (The), 132

Hearing Himself, 121

Health and Hoppiness, 145

"Here we are again!" 209

Hint to Editors (A), 129

"Honi soit qui mal y pense!" 194

How Insultan'! 75

How it might have been Settled, 81

"ICHABOD!" 222

Impressions of "Il Trovatore," 193

Impromptu, 135

In a Ghost-Show, 184

"In a Winter (Covent) Garden," 185

In Banco, 137

Inevitable (The), 302

In Excelsis, 171

Infra Dig., 81

Inns and Outs, 89, 105, 122, 154

"In Nubibus," 124

In Office with the Labour Vote, 87

In the County Council, 210

In the Monkey-House, 153

"In this Style, Two-and-Six," 165

JERRY-BUILDING Jabberwock (The), 166

Jim's Jottings, 262

Judge's Lament (A), 214

Justice for 'Frisco, 36

Just like Justice, 60

"KEEPING Up the Christopher," 136

Kiss (The), 288

Knill Nisi Bonum, 160

Lady Gay's Detection, 228

Lady Gay's Distraction, 237

Lady Gay's Ghost, 243

Lady Gay's Selection, 255

Lady Gay's Selections, 10, 16, 29, 41, 57, 61, 84, 118, 142, 146, 165, 178, 192, 197

Land of the (rather too) Free (The), 105

Last Discovery (The), 252

Last Train (The), 3

Last Word (The), 292

Lay of a Successful Angler (The), 181

Lays of Modern Home, 36, 49, 77, 147, 293

Lay of the Last Knight (The), 136

Leary King at the Lyceum (The), 233

"Le Grand Français," 246

Left to the Ladies, 238

"L'Homme Propose----" 51

Les Enfants Terribles! 202

Letters to Abstractions, 120, 124, 137, 168, 241

Local Colour, 250

Lost Joke (The), 90

MAN who Would (The), 225, 229, 253, 285, 304

Margate by Moonlight, 76

Members we shall Miss, 106

Mem. from Whitbreadfordshire, 158

Memorable, 81

Menagerie Race (The), 112

"Minime!" 57

Minor Miseries, 45, 58

Miscarriage of Justice, 136

"Missing Word" (The), 282, 293

Mixed Notions, 277, 297

Modern Mercury (The), 167

Montecarlottery, 293

More Contributions to the Alcoholic Question, 17

More Lights! 141

More Reasons for Stopping in Town, 111

Mr. Punch's Election Address, 9

Musical Notes, 97

My First Brief, 202

My Puggy, 1

My Season Ticket, 192

NEED I say More? 89

New Broom and the Black Peerage (The), 209

New Regulations for the English Police, 186

Next African Mission (The), 45

Next Election Pic-nic (The), 274

Next Vivâ Voce (The), 82

Nightly Chevalier (A), 117

"No Fees," 63

"Notes and Paper," 225

Not Going Away for the Holidays, 97

Notice, 246

Not Improbable, 141

"OH no, we never Mention it," 145

Oh, Saunderson, my Colonel! 6

Old and New Peer (An), 106

On a Guernsey Excursion Car, 148

On an Irish Landlord, 270

On the Boxing Kangaroo, 245

On the Fly-Leaf of an Old Book, 16

On the Sands, 52

On the Threshold of Themis, 22

Opera-goer's Diary, 228, 258

Opera in the Future (The), 93

Operatic Notes, 12, 17, 33, 39, 233

Other Paper (The), 214

Other Side of the Canvass (The), 46

Otherwise Engaged, 10

Our Booking-Office, 34, 48, 58, 77, 106, 178, 214, 219, 234, 249, 257, 269, 281, 300, 305

Our "Missing Word" Competition, 277

Out of It! 18

Ovidius Remark, 84

PAN the Poster, 138

"Pariah" (The), 81

"Perfidious Albion" again, 37

Phantasmagore-ia, 125, 228, 309

Phillipopolis, 111

Pick of the Baskets (The), 153

Plea of the Postman (The), 302

Playful Heifervescence at Hawarden, 117

Plebiscite for Parnassus (A), 229

Poet's Love (The), 309

Popular Songs Resung, 101

Polite Learning, 202

Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 30

Political Training, 173

Poor Road to Learning (A), 160

Poor Violinist (The), 118