Chapter 3

The Lecturer resumed. He said he had not insulted their intelligence by asking them if they understood Spanish. Of course, they did. (_Loud laughter._) He was quite sure that the Signora's third verse and accompanying dance must have convinced everyone of the advantages of Fair Trade. (_Laughter._) He saw no reason for merriment. (_Renewed laughter._) He had now come to that important subject Bi-metallism. (_Cheers._) They had been told that whereas speech was silver, silence was golden. (_"Hear, hear!"_) To show the advantage of silver (represented by speech), the Blue-eyed Nigger would give a native song accompanied on his own banjo. (_Loud applause._)

The Blue-eyed Nigger then favoured the company with one of his characteristic ditties.

The Lecturer said he had now to thank his audience for their kind attention, and to inform them that the display of fireworks with set-pieces containing political sentiments appealing to their reason, would take place immediately.

Shortly afterwards the company separated, greatly pleased with the rational entertainment they had been invited to enjoy.

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ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH.

(Being a Parisian Parliamentary Procedure as "She Might be Spoke in England.")

SCENE--The House of Commons at question-time. Ministers in attendance, excited Members regarding them with derision.

_First Member._ I claim the word, Mr. Speaker. I would ask Esquire Harcourt, does he propose to make his Budget popular?

[_"Very well! very well!" from the Conservatives._

_Esquire Harcourt._ I tell the Hon. Gentleman that by such a question he insults the world! (_Cheers._) Nay, he insults England!

[_Loud applause, in which all join._

_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). Still, you have not answered my question. Is your Budget to be popular?

[_Murmurs._

_Esquire Har._ (_with spirit_). I consider such a question twice repeated an infamy!

[_Enthusiastic cheering._

_Second Mem._ Then it is you who are infamous!

[_Uproar._

_The Speaker._ Gentlemen, Ministers, do not force me to put on my hat--do not cause me to suspend the sitting.

_First Mem._ Surely a civil question deserves a civil answer?

_Esquire Harcourt._ Not in a nation that has bled on the field of battle. [_Roars of applause._

_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). And yet what I required to know was reasonable. I wished to know whether Esquire Harcourt proposed to name a popular Budget?

_Esquire Harcourt._ He repeats the calumny! [_Uproar._

_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). But is there no reply? I would ask Sir Gladstone--is there no reply?

_Sir Gladstone_ (_springing to his feet_). It is for the honour of England! (_Immense enthusiasm._) And now, Sir, you are answered!

[Roars of applause. Scene closes in upon Ministers receiving the hand-shakes of supporters and opponents.

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TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE.

["A deputation of Seamstresses stated at Westminster Police Court, that they make soldiers' clothing, receiving for each pair of trousers 8-1/4_d._, and for each flannel-belt, rather less than one penny."--_Daily Paper._]

O England, you boast of your warrior sons, Your history tells of them, fearless in strife, How they faced the French horse, how they charged Russian guns, So thoughtful of duty, so careless of life!

You honour them rightly, but do not forget That economy pleases the voters as well; Each penny reduces the National Debt; Old Ships, as you know, are the best things to sell.

You could not escape paying pounds to the men Who fought, wearing soles of brown paper, supplied In your wise, frugal way. Follow precedent then! Remember pence saved, not your children who died!

Though the men must be paid, such expense need not vex A skilful economist. This can be met. You can always grind pence from the poor, weaker sex; If the clothes are ill-made, think what bargains you get!

Then lavish your honours, your wealth, on the brave, If you did not, perhaps, scarce a man would enlist; But forget not the gain of each penny you save, And starve these poor Women--they cannot resist.

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_Pears' Christmas Number_--what it ought to be:--A new edition of "_His Soap's Fables_."

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The Real Enemy to "The Big Loaf" (According to John Burns).--The Big Loafer.

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QUEER QUERIES.

NATIONAL ART-TREASURES.--I see that objections are being made to Millbank as a suitable site for the Picture Gallery which Mr. Tate has so generously offered to the nation. May I ask whether the advantages of the Isle of Dogs have ever been considered? The position being right out of the way of anybody who cares a rush for Art, and in the centre of the river-fog district, so as to ensure a maximum of injury to the pictures by damp, its offer to the generous donor would convincingly demonstrate our Government's appreciation of such patriotic munificence. Failing the Isle of Dogs, would there be any objection to Barking, in the neighbourhood of the Sewage Outfall? They are quite accustomed there to dealing with the precipitation of sludge. Perhaps some Art-lover would reply. Citizen of a Rather Mean City.

HOUSEHOLDER'S DIFFICULTIES.--Could some practical Correspondent advise us as to what would be the best course to pursue under the following awkward circumstances? I live in a house in a newly-constructed terrace, with very thin party-walls. The tenant on one side has just set up a private establishment for the reception of the most thoroughly incurable class of maniacs, while on the other side is a family who make their living by piano, violin, and cornet performances, at private houses. I have asked the landlord to abate the nuisance by adding another brick to the thickness of the walls on each side; but he writes to me, giving his address at the Bankruptcy Court, to explain that the houses are not so constructed as to bear the extra weight, which I think very probable. I would apply for an injunction against the Maniacs, were it not that their howlings are sometimes useful in drowning the sound of the constant practising on the piano. Would it be wise to retaliate by dropping bricks at midnight down my neighbours' chimneys? What is the least term of Penal Servitude that I could get if I hired some of the Unemployed to break into the musical house and smash up the instruments? If I went as a Deputation on the subject to Mr. Asquith, should I be likely to be cordially received? Tortured Tenant.

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