Chapter 2

That gorgeous grace, that smile severe, That look of Lords and Barts, These are the charms that most endear His image to our hearts. The standard of my broken life With him has gone to rack, And, if it were not for my wife, I'd bring my Butler back!

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FINE, OR REFINE?

[An Educational Journal recently suggested the formation of a "Guild of Courtesy," with especial view to refining the manners and language of the youth of the working classes.]

Hail, noble Guild! By all means drive Expletives from our highways; They are the ruin of our roads, The byword of our byways!

And rowdies too--to teach them grace A philanthropic art is; _These_ subjects for the Guild may well Be called the "Guildy parties"!

The lumbering horse-play of the streets, Can we its spirits soothe? Will blarneying do? Or can "the Rough" Be "taken with the smooth"?

And there's the working girl: can we From yells and rompings wean her? For the demeanour of a Miss Is oft a mis-demeanour.

O worthy Guildsmen! Take in hand _All_ ages and _all_ classes! Show how to hearts Good Manners' arts Supply the freest passes.

Do not such terms as these of hope Your undertaking rob-- The "common people"--"lower class," "The vulgar," and "the mob"?

And there's our worship of the purse; 'Gainst _it_ pray have a tilt Oh, gild our manners! But take care They are not silver-gilt!

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ALL AT SEA.--The KAISER is reported to be so delighted with his visit to the Isle of Wight, that he proposes to repeat the journey next year. Fond of military display, if he goes to Hyde he will be appropriately accompanied by an escort of German Mounted Marines.

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READING THE STARS À LA MODE.

(_EXTRACT FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF THE SECRETARY OF THE EARTH AND MARS INTERCOMMUNICATION COMPANY, LIMITED._)

_August_ 10, 1899.--Open this book just to jot down briefly the results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living in the adjacent planet. Get a better notion by this means of what we are doing than the minutes can afford. Shall leave this book as an heirloom to my successors in office. In 1892, when we were last nearest Mars (only at a distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts), we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to us. They seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our new telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we made out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat. On more careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in a state of eruption. White hat evidently the smoke. Could distinctly locate the ocean. Unable to discover more, as the planet went off for another seven years' cruise.

_August_ 10, 1906.--Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my predecessor, the transactions of the Company. By the way, my new berth is a very pleasant one. Have nothing to do except every seven years, when we all have to watch Mars like anything. This time we have a first-class telescope. Fifty times as powerful as the one of seven years ago. Can count the hairs on a man's head at ten miles' distance. Mars seems quite close to us. There is a first-class hotel on one of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way (like everything else on the planet), is red. Distinctly made out a man in a boat. Could not attract his attention. Stupid donkey! Have to wait for another seven years.

_August_ 10, 1913.--Again ready. Better telescope than one in use seven years ago. Find we can now read the Marsian newspapers. They are written in same language as our own. Nothing in them worth quoting. Evidently "silly season" over there as well as here. Account of the Sea Serpent. Let off patent sky-shattering rockets, but the inhabitants of the adjacent planet failed to observe them. They have arranged bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can understand it, as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe something like "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_." Interesting. Popular song of fourteen years ago just reached our nearest neighbour in the Solar System. Cannot observe more, as the planet is off for another seven years.

_August_ 10, 1920.--We ought to do something this time. Improved telescope; can see everything. So excellent that we can almost hear the Marsians talking, Great advance, too, in through-space-hurling machinery. We applied this new power to a pea-shooter, and, at the first shot, was sufficiently fortunate to hit a Marsian policeman on the nose. He first arrested an innocent person for the assault, but, on our repeating the signal, he looked up, and shook his fist at the Earth. Eventually he traced the source of the pea-shooting. They then began to watch our signals. They were just about to reply when we started off for another seven years.

_August_ 10, 1927.--I take up my predecessor's book to continue these observations. Deeply interested to see if the inhabitants of the neighbouring planet would remember the date, and be on the look out for us. Yes, there they were. We have just signalled "How are you?" But it has received, as yet, no reply. The Marsians seem to be signalling, but not in our direction. We have just tried another message, "Good morning; do you use soap?" Ah, this has woke them up! They _do_ understand us. They have replied, "Don't be rude." We are greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled "The planet Mars, we believe?" This has elicited no response. Strange! We have begged for a reply, and it has just come. Here it is:--"Don't bother; can't attend to you just now. We are talking with the planet Jupiter." Time up! Off for another seven years!

_August_ 10, 1934.--Just one line to add to the other communications of my predecessors. The Earth and Mars Intercommunication Company, Limited, has been merged into the London, Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and North Saturn Aërial Railway Company. During the present near approach of Mars to the Earth, an excursion electric air-torpedo train will leave the Victoria Station for Pars the Capital of Mars. The excursion will be personally conducted by Baron COOK of Ludgate Circus. Return tickets, Second Class, £1,000; First Class (with hotel coupons), Half an ounce of coal.

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HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED.

(_SUPPLEMENTARY AND IMAGINARY DESPATCH NOT YET RECEIVED AT THE FOREIGN OFFICE._)

It will be remembered that I had the honour to report that amongst my _suite_ I had the pleasure to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF, the celebrated Germano-Russian _prestidigitateur_. When I received a despatch from the Foreign Office informing me that I was premature in destroying the Draft Treaty, although that Draft Treaty contained provisions that were entirely different to those which the Sultan had already at the time accepted and promised to sign, I made up my mind to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with a view to setting things right. I considered it advisable to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF, as I counted upon that eminent conjuror's valuable aid to assist me in carrying out what I venture to submit, was my praiseworthy object.

When we reached the room the Sultan was occupying, we found His Sheriffian Majesty regarding with some indignation, the remains of the Draft Treaty that had been brought back to him by the messengers the Sultan had sent to me.

His Majesty was very angry, and had given orders for the immediate execution of Herr VON POPOFF and myself, when my talented assistant gently placed his hand upon the head of the swarthy and irate Sovereign, and by a clever pass produced an egg. This amused and amazed the Sultan immensely, and his Sheriffian Majesty desired that the feat should be repeated. This request received immediate practical acquiescence as the wonderworker deliberately extracted eggs from the Sultan's arms, legs, and whiskers. Having obtained some dozen eggs by this means, Herr VON POPOFF borrowed a turban from the Prime Minister, and breaking the eggs into his improvised saucepan, mixed the mess into a compact mass with the assistance of a scimitar kindly lent for the occasion by the Commander-in-Chief.

"High cock-alorum jig, jig, jig!" exclaimed the Wizard, and in a trice, the eggs had disappeared, and in their place appeared a pound-cake. I have the honour to report that the cake was then cut into small portions and passed round for consumption. His Sheriffian Majesty was good enough to partake of the rather stale comestible. The remainder of the cake was devoured by the _suite_.

By this time the Sultan was in great good humour, when unfortunately his eyes fell upon the remains of the destroyed Draft Treaty which were still lying unheeded on the palace floor. Seeing them his Sheriffian Majesty rolled his eyes savagely, and sent for the Lord High Executioner.

It was at this crisis that Herr VON POPOFF showed great presence of mind and absolute coolness. Without a moment's hesitation he requested that the fragments of paper might be given to him. Taking them in his right hand, he placed them in the turban he had previously used for manufacturing his pound-cake, and once more repeated his magic formula.

To the general surprise (and I must not omit my own individuality from the universal astonishment) he produced a new Treaty, which I then had the honour of handing to the Sultan for signature.

The Treaty (which was subsequently discovered to contain several important concessions to the country I have the honour to represent) was then signed, and the _prestidigitateur_ and I retired loaded with honours.

I have, in conclusion, to beg permission to wear the Sheriffian Order of the Diamond-eyed Pig of the Second Class. The Sun-Star of the Emerald Life-sized White Elephant of the Double First-Class has already been accepted by Herr VON POPOFF, as that gentleman, being a foreign subject, has no need to desire official authorisation to use his recently-acquired and extremely bulky decoration.

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MEMORABLE.

SIR,--So many punning Epitaphs have recently appeared in the _Times à propos_ of "BOB LOWE," that I am sure you will now allow me to produce and publish what was rejected by your Editor, long before the decease of the above-mentioned eminent Statesman. I thought it, and still think it, uncommonly good; but the then Editor said, "No--it is unseemly to joke about the decease of a living celebrity." Now on the good old maxim of "_Nil nisi bonum_," I beg you will produce this, as I'm sure it is, and always was, uncommonly _bonum_, and like good wine, all the better for keeping. Here it is:--

ON THE LATE B.L.

Bob! has he gone above the sky? We hope that it is so. Yet when above, however high, He'll always be B.-LOWE.

I've seen nothing to equal this; at least, being a judge of such things, I may safely say so, adding humbly, "A poor thing, but mine own."

Yours, L.S. PRIT D'ESCALIER.

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ACCIDENTAL JOKE.--When does an explosion do no harm? When a husband blows his wife up--and she deserves it.

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INFRA DIG.

Sweet, in a sordid age, it is to find _One_ Abdiel to enticement bravely blind, _One_ class not thrall to Plutus. But, hurroo! England rejoice aloud, for thou hast _two_. Sweet are the uses of--Advertisement, To huckster souls, whose god is Cent-per-cent. The Mart, the Forum, and--alas!--the Fane. Self-trumpeting, in type, cannot restrain; The leaded column and the poster smart Seduce the Histrio; e'en the thrall of Art Bows to the modern Baal of Pot and Paste, That deadly foe of Modesty and Taste. The Poet poses publicly, the Scribe Knows how to vaunt, to logroll, and to bribe. But there be those share not the general taint; The pestle-wielding Sage, the silk-gowned Saint. Redeem our fallen race from the dark shade That would confuse Professions with mere Trade. No, briefs and bills of costs _may_ loom too big, _Harpagon_ hide beneath a horsehair wig, _Sangrado_ thrive on flattery and shrewd knack. And _Dulcamara_, safe in silence, quack; But--chortle, oh ye good, rejoice, ye wise!-- Physic and Law will never--_Advertise_!

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"THE PARIAH."--In the latest copy to hand of that wonderful penn'orth of gossip and information, _Sala's Journal_, Vol. I. No. 16, and in the very first line of the light and leading article, our "G.A.S." asks "Is Woman a Pariah?" Of course she is not, we reply, not even if she be the very masculinest of females. Some, if they are "Riahs" at all, are "Ma-riahs." "Riah," it may be remembered, is the abbreviated form of the name as in the once popular Coster's song of "_What cheer Riah?_" Whether spelt with or without an "h" is of no consequence, the Coster not being particular.

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TO DR. LOUIS ROBINSON.

(_Who said at the British Association that a Baby was an animal as interesting as any which had been brought from the uttermost parts of the Earth_.)

Quite right, Dr. ROBINSON, perfectly right, No longer the need to repair to the Zoo; No longer we'll see with increasing delight The quarrelsome Monkey, the blithe Kangaroo. But the "animal's interest" shall charm us instead, Though it's scarcely a charm _you've_ discovered,--at least There's many a father who's pointedly said, That his int'resting Babe was a "mere little beast!"

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SEASONABLE BUT UNFAIR.--When you have to pay heavily for light refreshments.

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THE NEXT VIVA VOCE.

["Due consideration will be given in the selection of Candidates for Scholarships to proficiency in athletics."--_Daily Paper_.]

_Examiner_ (_courteously_). Have you studied any Latin author?

_Candidate_ (_with hesitation_). I once looked into CORNELIUS NEPOS, but never could construe half a dozen lines.

_Exam._ What have you studied in Greek?

_Can._ Tried the first page of VALPY, and got through the present of [Greek: tuptô]--then gave it up.

_Exam._ Do you know anything about Mathematics?

_Can._ Fancy I have heard of the Rule of Three, but hanged if I know much about Fractions.

_Exam._ (_a little despairingly_). Can you give the dates of the four WILLIAMS in English History?

_Can._ No. Suppose followed one another, as shillings of the time of WILLIAM THE FOURTH still in use. Suppose WILLIAM THE FIRST must have been about the end of the Eighteenth Century.

_Exam._ (_with new hope_). Do you know anything about Geography?

_Can._ Not without a _Continental Bradshaw_.

_Exam._ (_nothing daunted_). Can you tell me the name of the spot which is supposed to be the centre of the universe?

_Can._ I haven't the faintest idea, but suppose you mean Monte Carlo.

_Exam._ (_as a last resource_). Do you know anything about Law?

_Can._ Nothing at all, except that one of my friends had to pay five pounds, the other day, for assaulting a Policeman.

_Exam._ (_losing his temper_). Then what on earth _do_ you know?

_Can._ Only how to break the record of the quarter mile.

_Exam._ (_brightening up_). And can you play Cricket?

_Can._ (_contemptuously_). _Can_ I play Cricket! Why I carried my bat out for 184 against Loamshire, with GRACE bowling his swiftest.

_Exam._ (_cordially grasping his hand_). My dear Sir, after the satisfactory examination you have just undergone, I shall have much pleasure in recommending you for a Scholarship.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, Aug_. 8.--Think I mentioned, just before Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended at disregard paid to his warnings by Ministers, protested that he would never speak again, and should thenceforth be known as DUM BARTON. Finding him to-night figged out, prepared to move Address, reminded him of the incident.

"Quite so, TOBY," he said; "you're perfectly right. I never did speak again in that House. This is a different thing. Besides, I'm not going to make a speech, but to read a paper."

Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation to move Address at opening of new Session understood to be irresistible. Believe I'm the only Member who ever begged to be excused. W.H. CROSS seconded Address; speech much mystified House; remains to this day disputed point whether he meant to be funny, or was merely maladroit. Fancy he really meant it. GRAND CROSS in Peers' Gallery, looking on with fond affection. Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet of water. His counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last moment, over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how India is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn't know. Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince ARTHUR. Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing Corridor, Prince said,--"Well, we're not the only parties changing places. I see, from the newspapers, that the planet Mars has already gone into Opposition."

GRAND CROSS severely shook his head. There are some things too sacred for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one. Moreover, not free from certain jealousy in the matter. Fact is, been, so to speak, "on the joke" himself. Modest merit, like murder, will out. No use attempting to burke what is open secret. All those funereal jokes in young Cross's speech--his "course of obituary notices" as ASQUITH happily put it--were really GRAND CROSS's. CROSS _père_ composed them in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and made them over to his son.

"Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to publicly make a joke. I am not sure how it befits the Junior Counsel for England in the Behring Sea Arbitration. But we must risk that. There they are," he said, handing him a packet of manuscript in a black-edged envelope, "and may a father's blessing accompany them."

There was, as I have said, some hesitation on part of House as to how they were to be received. On the whole, went off well. The reference to "the Government, at whose last hours we have now arrived," and the proposal to write their epitaph, brought down the House. GRAND CROSS sitting in Gallery nervously watching result, decidedly encouraged. In larger leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these vicarious flashes of latent humour.

_Business done_.--Address moved, met with Vote of No Confidence, submitted by ASQUITH in brilliant speech.

_Tuesday_.--Imminence of change in Ministry brings into prominence and close proximity what is likely to happen in Ireland when Home Rule is established. Irish Members of all sections on the alert. SAUNDERSON in his war-paint, which assumes shape of luminous white waistcoat. Always know, when the Colonel puts that on, he means business. Made to-night good Derrydown speech punctuated by howls of execration from Irish brethren opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys; moved him to higher nights of oratory. His lurid picture of ASQUITH, Q.C., "sitting on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely effective. Irish Members cruelly and effectually retorted by putting up REDMOND JUNIOR to reply. Colonel gallantly smiled, but it was a gashly effort. Device evidently effective. REDMOND did admirably; nothing could have been better than his grave remark, to presumably alarmed House, that, having for seven years sat opposite Colonel, he was able to assure them that he was "perfectly harmless--perfectly harmless."

"Now that," said ASHBOURNE, in London just now winding up his ministerial affairs, "is the cruellest thing I ever heard said of SAUNDERSON."

Later, more serious evidence of seething condition of feeling in Ulster brought under notice of House. Ross, Q.C., was returned at General Election, in place of CHARLES LEWIS--a character useful as a study for young Members, showing how a man of considerable ability, and distinct Parliamentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless failure. Ross born and brought up in Derry; accustomed to controversial practices. Familiar from boyhood with the concrete form dialectics are apt to take when indulged in beyond space of half an hour. "If they mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest JOHN BURNS, "they'll find the Derry Boy in it."

So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his trouser-pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got up just now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance presented by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created, threw back his coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs, and made the most of the paving-stones. Members opposite whispered, and tittered.

"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row, a paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in the bush."

So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw anything at New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded successful Maiden Speech, went out and emptied his amazing pockets into his locker.

"I'll save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he pawned his landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he hurried off home, at least a quarter of a hundredweight lighter.

_Business done_.--More debate on Address.

_Thursday_.--Splendid House; full from floor to topmost tier of seats in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene in history of Government. All the Actors on. Boxes full; Stalls full; Pit full. Contrary to LORD CHAMBERLAIN's regulations, chairs placed in gangways. Great rush for these, as affording novel position. MATHERS, who got front seat, says it was very nice, but not without compensating disadvantage. "Expected every minute, you know, the man coming round for your penny, as they do in the Parks."

CHAMBERLAIN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives when he stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin with. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rose with JOSEPH. Submitted as point of order that, in Moving Adjournment on Tuesday night, JOSEPH had exhausted his right to speak. House howled. Just as if, Lyceum crowded to see IRVING play _Charles the First_, JOHNNIE TOOLE came before Curtain and explained that, as CHARLES THE FIRST was indubitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago, IRVING would be out of order in appearing to-night. Very well done, and added something to interest of moment. But unnecessary. JOSEPH equal to occasion without adventitious aid.