Chapter 2

"JOHN SMITH, of London," she began, in a small but admirably distinct voice, "I am the Fairy Domestic Economy, and I have come to warn you that, unless you wake up, you will come to grief."

"Wake up?" queried J.S. "Wake up about what?"

"Why, the election of the London County Council, to be sure!" returned the Fairy, impatiently. "Here, the election is close upon you, and the chances are twenty to one that you will let it pass without recording your vote." "What election?"

"Bless the man!" exclaimed the Fairy. "He does not know that the Members of the L.C.C., the Masters of London, are to be chosen on Saturday, the 5th of March, and will from that date remain in power for four years!"

And then the Fairy showed him the possible future, explaining that it was in his hands to alter it. The vision she conjured up before him seemed intensely idiotic. Everything was to be done for nothing. There were to be free railways, free tramways, free bakeries, free butchers' shops, free ginger-beer manufactories, free clothiers, free hosiers, free boot-makers, free gas companies, free waterworks--in fact, everything was to be gratis.

"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London.

"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the paymaster. You will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a commencement, with additional crowns to follow!"

"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of genuine alarm.

"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."

And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN SMITH found himself sprawling upon the floor.

"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed.

And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.

At least it is to be hoped he will!

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, February 21._--"What a day he _is_ having to be sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking across the table at the other eminent country gentleman who is our First Minister of Agriculture.

Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height. Just the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew lurid picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with Small Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings, and recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however entirely foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on contrary, made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right in both instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the conviction, still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct contradiction was peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman addressing the House, displaying a flexibility of genius not common to mankind.

CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear. To-night, standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to swell wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the speech observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar strategic movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN was, so to speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own.

House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN, remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of fifty-five minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general observations prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind of pompous platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old times, Members used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like the wedding guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed--though as PLUNKET reminds me, the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is not--the House could not help but hear. Once, when the orator dropped easily into autobiographical episode, described himself strolling about the fields of Lincolnshire, turning up a turnip here, drawing forth a casual carrot there, meditating on the days when

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every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on his back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by permission of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a tankard of chill October--at this stage, it is true, there were signs of impatience amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about the Bill.

But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the Minister of Agriculture.

_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill introduced.

_Tuesday._--Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH and he of SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight; attracted by debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY couldn't restrain his astonishment at scene.

"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now, the House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches crowded; all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers filling the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than eighteen Members present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is demonstrating how much happier Wales is under the benediction of the Church than she would be without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST. ASAPH, of--er--well, of an eight o'clock morning service in inclement weather."

"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I mean, in contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer in Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty benches, and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by the small congregation--which I may say finds eloquent expression on the face of our friend JOHN G. TALBOT--simply mean that they have heard all these speeches before, and have made up their minds on the subject. They are ready to vote, but they will not remain to hear the speeches. As you say, in such circumstances it would appear more businesslike to take the vote at once, and get along with other work. But that is unparliamentary. This will be kept going till there is just time left before the adjournment to divide. _Then_ you'll see how dear is this question to the hearts of our friends, and how virulent is the persistence of the adversary."

Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten, Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to see how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the Church, were careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the clerical white tie.

"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at night, but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken. "I could wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front displayed, our friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that their coat- collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection, and the white tie at least indicates nice feeling."

_Business done._--Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales negatived by 267 Votes against 220.

_Wednesday._--PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill, and, what's more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells me that, though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom over them. Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say, in casual way, "Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed, gone so far as commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These are now, of course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language not rich in provision of similar openings for wit.

_Business done._--Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried. Rare opportunity for Scotch joke hopelessly lost.

_Thursday._--MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords to-night. Asked the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment of Joint Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist in words; suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty; wouldn't say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious part of the Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed; hinted at rupture with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying that if Motion for Committee were submitted, he would do his best to induce their Lordships to adopt it.

Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all about it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged their head in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in involved speech and well affected hesitation.

MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat--I mean the fog, out of the bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government have made up their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This Joint Committee will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure based on its Report will be carried through both Houses; everything will be ready for return of unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November.

"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not unkindly. "But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's been in my mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little shrill; Free Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only so-so. The Fog's the thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to our standard, and with London at our back we can face the country."

Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So completely is mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog problem, that to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE brought in Bill allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on for six hours; at end of that time discovered that whole proceedings irregular. As involving money question, introduction of Bill should have been preceded by Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate abruptly adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals.

"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win. This is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned as people think) in support of our new Fog policy."

_Business done._--Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light looms behind the Fog.

_Friday._--News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea. All his friends on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the Sunny South. No need whatever for his return; things going on admirably; not missed in the least; shocking weather here; better stay where he is.

"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in the slightest. Very well, then; _I'll go home._"

MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious dream. Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way, others another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G. leaping up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them back to Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for Unionist encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber, distinctly saw one sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.

"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning for a twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made up for the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or more watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son (which I admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better done to. Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud of his chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of me, and freshen me up. Fancy I've worn _him_ out; instead of his taking care of me, have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again within sound of Big Ben. Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well; but he'll have to tuck in his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's place."

_Business done._--Miscellaneous.

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PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.

["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done before, than to do a wise thing that has never been tried."--_Mr. Balfour in the House of Commons._]

HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd, He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word. All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear; Trousers we love when most they need repair, Boots without heels, completely lacking soles, And hats all crushed and battered into holes. Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true, Do all the vanished ages used to do. We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent, And at the stake teach wretches to repent. Clad _cap-à-pie_ in mail we'll face our foes, And arm our British soldiery with bows. Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore, The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore. Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal, Collect stupidities and do them all. Uneducate our men, unplough our land, Bid heathen temples rise on every hand; Unmake our progress and revoke our laws, Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws. Let light die out and brooding darkness reign, And in a word call Chaos back again. Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee, "Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!"

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SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.--Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at Oxford. Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under lock and screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere thought conjures up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on the other, and loyal Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round them. Never mind, BERNARD. It was a capital puff for the Socialistic wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took care it should not be wasted.

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A FUDGE FORMULA.

"To set class against class is the crime of all crimes." That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times; Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses In rancorous railings concerning "the masses." He thinks that all efforts injustice to right Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight. He might just as well urge that morality's rules Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools; Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes!

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"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."--The Engineers of London and Birmingham have been requested, says the _Daily Telegraph_, to "lay their heads together," so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be effected. This is an instance where to have "water on the brain" is absolutely necessary. Odd to think that in this "water difficulty" are contained all the elements of a burning question; so much so indeed, that the Engineers who may be clever enough to solve the problem without getting themselves into hot water, may confidently be expected to follow up their achievement by proceeding to "set the Thames on fire."

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QUEER QUERIES.--CURRENCY REFORM.--I see that the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I have all seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to my lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This would form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr. GOSCHEN seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the new One Pound Notes, be--"_Quid, pro quo?_"--SLY-METALLIST.

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HORACE IN LONDON.

TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (_AD CHLORIN._)

FORBEAR this painted show to strut Of girlish toilet, manner skittish: It may be _Fin-de-Siècle_, but It isn't British.

To dance, to swell the betting rank, To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow; To try to break your husband's bank At Monte Carlo,

Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;" The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers, If act you must is scarce the part For sixty summers.

Let Age be decent: keep your hair Confined, if nothing else, to one dye: I'd rather see you, I declare, Like Mrs. GRUNDY!

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THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.

(_What it may come to._)

["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."--_Daily Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee._]

SCENE--_A Public Place._

Sergeant KITE _and a_ Possible Recruit _in conversation._

_Sergeant Kite_ (_continuing_). Then you must remember that we are exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.

_Possible Recruit_ (_pained_). _Rations_! I suppose you mean _courses_! I find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of joining the Army unless I had the same.

_Sergeant K._ (_with suppressed emotion_). If it must be so, then it must. Who's to pay the piper, _I_ don't know! The Public, I suppose.

_P. R._ I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to me at nine.

_Sergeant K._ (_after an interval_). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving- water! Oh, this is _too_ much!

_P.R._ (_coolly_). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds?

_Sergeant K._ Feather-beds!

_P.R._ Yes. A _sine quâ non_, I assure you. Then as to pay and pensions, and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the month, with liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice.

_Sergeant K._ (_with sarcasm_). And you would wish to retire at a week's notice if war were declared?

_P.R._ (_surprised_). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with Honour" would be my motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get if I went in for civil employment?

_Sergeant K._ No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with it. You surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work of a beggarly counter-jumper?

_P.R._ Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day easily in a shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as I might do better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.

_Sergeant K._ Any other point you would like to mention?

_P.R._ Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to get damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, so that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as he probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue him when we got back to England. You understand my point?

_Sergeant K._ Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every soldier present at the battle from suing also?

_P.R._ Nothing at all. Of course they _would_ all sue. So no General must be permitted to go into action without first of all depositing in the High Court at home security for costs if defeated,--say half a million or so.

_Sergeant K._ (_with forced politeness_). Well, I'm glad to have heard your views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to please him.

_P.R._ Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My offer only remains open till to-morrow morning.

_Sergeant K._ Oh--!

[_The remainder of the gallant_ Sergeant's _observations are not necessary for publication, neither would they be accepted as a guarantee of his good faith. Exit to recruit._

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"THE RING AND THE BOOK."