Chapter 1

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 102.

March 5th, 1892.

POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.

Great is the might of the Meaningless! Especially in a rattling refrain or a rousing chorus. Big drum effects are always popular. What wonder clever Miss LOTTIE COLLINS'S "_Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay_!" is all the rage? "Her greatest creation" (_vide_ advertisements), "sung and danced with the utmost _verve_," has taken the town. Will it "mar its use" to attach a meaning to it? Let us try:--

No. VI.--THAT'S HOW WE BOOM TO-DAY!

I.

A SMART "mug-lumberer" one must be To-day, to "fetch" Sassiety; Not too strict, of swagger free, And as "fly" as "fly" can be. Ever pushing, ever bold, (Else one's left "out in the cold") Thus Success you grasp, and hold. And may sing, though Pecksniffs scold,--

_Chorus._

Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! That's how we "boom" to-day! Bra-va! We "boom" to-day! Hoo-rah! We "boom" to-day! [_And so on, six times or more._

II.

All want to "Boom." But don't be shy, For modesty is all my eye. Shun all reserve, if you would try For "paying" notoriety. If you would "make your pile" in haste, You must not bother about "taste." _Every_ chance must be embraced, If you would sing when fairly "placed," _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! [_Over and over again._

III.

Art's a good game. 'Tis easier far Than 'twas of old to be a Star. Hit on some trick crepuscular, Like smudge or smoke, and there you are! They'll mouth, and call you "Master." So You're sure--in time--to be a go. You will catch on, and sell, although Your meaning not a soul may know,-- _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day! [_Ad libitum._

IV.

If Humour is your little line, Coherent sense you must resign, Cry, "Paradox alone's divine! LAMB had _his_ manner, _this_ is Mine!" Try strain and twist; gnaw the dry bone Of mirth till all the marrow's gone; And crowds, who first stared like a stone, Your "subtle genius" soon will own. _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! [_Ad nauseam._

V.

Is the Dramatic "biz" preferred? There you may "boom" it like a bird. Turn on the Absolute-Absurd; By that strange tap the mob is stirred. Be dismal, deathly, dirty, dim; Grovelling, ghastly, gruesome, grim, Anything meaning morbid whim; Quidnuncs will cry, "What treuth! what _vim_!" _Chorus_--Tra-la-la! "Boom" to-day! [_As long as you like_!

VI.

Or would you even higher fly, And found a "Cult"? You've but to try. That blend fools follow in full cry, Meaninglessness _plus_ Mystery! A witch astride upon a broom, A bogie in a darkened room, Nonsense and nubibustic gloom,-- Mix them like witch-broth; they will "boom"! _Chorus_--Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! [_Till you are tired of it._

VII.

Boom! Boom! 'Twill bring in cent. per cent., With that Big Drum, Advertisement. Nonsense, with _nous_ discreetly blent, Finds the world cheated--and content. But "make your game" while yet there's room, For novel shapes of quackery. Doom Awaits us in the outer gloom: A day _may_ come when Bosh _won't_ "Boom"!

_Chorus._ That's how we "boom" to-day! Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! Ha-ha! We "boom" to-day! Tra-la! We "boom" to-day! [_And so on till further orders._

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--Quoth one of the Baron's Assistants to his Chief, "Sir, those who love the personality, and venerate the memory of CHARLES DICKENS, will thank Miss HOGARTH who has selected, Mr. LAWRENCE HUTTON who has edited, and OSGOOD, MCILVAINE & CO. who publish, a series of letters addressed by BOZ to WILKIE COLLINS. They bear date between the years 1851 and 1870, were found among COLLINS'S papers after his death, and prove not the least precious of his possessions. _Foster's Life of Dickens_ will undoubtedly remain the medium through which the outer world shall know the great novelist." "True," interposes the Baron, "that certainly is one way in which admiration for the works of the great novelist will be foster'd among us. You agree? Of course you do. Proceed, sweet warbler, your observations interest me much." Whereupon the warbler thus addressed continued. "But, Sir, we are all conscious of a certain unpleasant taste those volumes leave in the mouth. Some of the incidents recorded, and many of the letters, present DICKENS with undue prominence in a possible phase of his character, as a ruthless tradesman in literature and lecturing, with some tendency to be overbearing in his social relations. In this little volume of letters to his old familiar friend we find him at his best, whether as a worker in literature or as a critic of other people's work."

BARON DE BOOKWORMS & CO.

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THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST

OR, THE POWER OF SOUND.

(_An Ode for the Brandenburg Diet Day; a long way after Dryden._)

["At the banquet of the Diet of Brandenburg, the GERMAN EMPEROR said:-- 'The assured knowledge that your sympathy loyally attends me in my work, inspires me with fresh strength to persevere in my task, and to advance along the path marked out for me by Heaven. To this are added the sense of responsibility to our Supreme Lord above, and my unshakable conviction that He, our former ally at Rossbach and Dennewitz, will not leave me in the lurch. He has taken such infinite pains with our ancient Brandenburg and our House, that we cannot suppose he has done this for no purpose.... My course is the right one, and it will be persevered in."--_Daily Paper._]

'Twas in the royal feast Brandenburg set For Providence's pet: Aloft in Teuton state The god-like hero sate On his Imperial throne: His Brandenburgers listened round, Appreciative of the Power of Sound; All admire shouting--when the Shouter's crowned! The Jovian Eagle at his side Perched, and like Rheims's Jackdaw, eyed The Olympian hero in his pride.

Happy, happy, happy Chief! None but the loud, None but the loud, From the crass crowd may win belief! His looks he shook, his long moustache he twirled, And saw a vision of himself as Sovereign of the World! The listening crowd admire the lofty sound. "A present deity!" they shout around. "A present deity!" the vaulted roofs rebound. With ravished ears, The monarch hears, Assumes the god, Affects to nod, And seems to shake the spheres!

In praise of Brandenburg the Shouting Emperor spoke, In language like a huge thrasonic joke. The newest god in triumph comes; Blare the trumpets, thump the drums: Flushed with a purple grace, He lifts his Jovian face! Now give the blowers breath. He comes, he comes! New ALEXANDER fair and young, Drinking, in Teuton nectar, once again To Brandenburg, that treasure Of earth, and heaven's chief pleasure, Rich the treasure, Sweet the pleasure, Which to the gods has given such pain!

Soothed with the sound, the Emperor grows vain, Fights all his battles o'er again; 'Twas Heaven that routed all _his_ foes, Olympus slew _his_ slain. _He_ has the greatest of allies! Doubters are dastards in _his_ eyes, And grumblers at their deified Young Emperor in his proper pride. Should shake from their false shoes Germania's dust. The Muse Must sing Jove-WILHELM great and good, By a benignant fate Lifted, gifted, gifted, lifted, Lifted to a god's estate, Olympian in his mood:

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The mighty Master smiled to see, Infant-in-Arms, young Germany, Jove's nursling, quit his cot and pap, And, quite a promising young chap, Grown out of baby-shoes and bottle, And "draughts" which teased his infant throttle, Get rid of ailments, tum-tum troubles, Tooth-cutting pangs, and "windy" bubbles, A tremendous time beginning; Fighting still, all foes destroying:-- "A world-empire's worth the winning! Its fair foretaste I'm enjoying. The new god now sits beside ye, Take the gifts he will provide ye! He's your young Orbilian schooler, Your Hereditary Ruler!" (The Brandenburgers bellow loud applause.) "_My_ course is right, and glorious is _my_ Cause!!!" The Prince, the god unable to restrain, Rose from his chair, With Jovian air, And, hanging up his thunderbolts with care, What time his eagle gave a gruesome glare, The nectar gulped again and yet again: Then stooping his horned helmet firm to jam on, Voted himself the New God--Jupiter-(G)Ammon!

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"Let ALEXANDER yield the prize To WILHELM of the Iron Crown; _He_ raised himself unto the skies, _I_ bring Olympus _down_!!!"

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LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.

No. XI.--TO PLAUSIBILITY.

MY DEAR PLAU,

I SHOULD be the most ungrateful dog if I failed to acknowledge the pleasure I have received during my life from the society of your friends and _protégés_. I don't speak of mere material, meat-and-money advantages. Probably, if a strict account could be stated, it might be found that in these paltry matters a balance, large or small, was still due to me. Who knows? Strict accounts are hateful; and even if I did lose here and there I did it, I fancy, with my eyes open, and was not sorry to indulge these gentlemen with the idea that their fascinations had conquered me. No. What I speak of is rather the genuine pleasure I have derived from some of the finest acting (in ordinary life, not on the boards) that the world ever saw, acting in which I protest that the tears, the sighs, the misery, the gallantry, the courage, the loyal sentiments and the honourable promises all rang with so sincere a sound that the very actor himself was subdued like the dyer's hand to the colours he worked in, until he believed himself to be the most unjustly persecuted of mankind, the most upright of gentlemen, or whatever the special emotion he simulated required that he should seem to be for the moment. That he might possibly be what, as a matter of fact, he often was, a rogue and a knave, mattered little to me at the time. He was evidently himself ignorant of his potentialities, and in any case they could not spoil my æsthetic enjoyment of a notable performance. And after all who is to undertake to draw the line between the good man and the bad? I have known men with regard to whom I was convinced that they were admirably equipped by nature for a career of roguery; somewhere in the backs of their heads I know they carried a complete set of intellectual implements for the task, but no temptation, as it happened, ever came to open the door of that secret chamber, and the unconscious owners of it passed through life honoured by their fellow-citizens, and their actions still smell sweet and blossom in their dust. Others, of course, were not so fortunate. Their crisis pursued and captured them, revealed them to themselves and others, and in many cases only left them, alas, after cropping both their hair and their reputations. But I leave these divagations, which can have but little interest for you. What I rather wish to do is to recall to your memory the curious personality and the chequered adventures of our common friend, WILFRID COBBYN.

I met him some six years ago when I was on a visit to my father's old friend, General TEMPEST, at Dansington. Most people, I take it, have heard of Dansington, that home of educational establishments, amusement, and retired Indian Generals. Old General TEMPEST--LEONIDAS MARLBOROUGH TEMPEST he had been christened by a warlike father, whose military aspirations had been crushed by the necessity for a commercial career, and who had taken it out of fate by devoting his son to heroism at the baptismal font, and by subsequently buying him a commission in a crack regiment--General TEMPEST was, in the days of which I speak, a hospitable veteran whose amiability and good-nature had survived many severe campaigns in which he had taken and given hard knocks wherever hard knocks were to be found. His benevolence and hospitality were proverbial far beyond the limits of Dansington, and his daughter CLARA was one of the prettiest girls in the United Kingdom.

On the occasion of this visit I found a fellow guest, the identical WILFRID COBBYN whom I have already mentioned. He had been there for a fortnight, I learnt from ALEXANDER, the eldest hope of the TEMPESTS, and had made himself a favourite with every member of the family. How they got to know him I never quite discovered--indeed, I doubt if any of them could have told me--and as to his previous history all they seemed to know was that his father had property "somewhere in the West of England," that he himself had travelled a great deal, and was now close upon thirty years old. I am free to admit that after my first dinner in his company I had very little inclination to worry myself about the details of his past, so cheerful and fascinating did I find his gay companionship. I cannot quite explain the charm of the man. He had a roving blue eye, a ruddy and glowing complexion, and a laugh that seemed to kick all gloomy fancies into flinders, and to carry those who heard it in a helter-skelter gallop of mirth. And then what stories the fellow could tell! He had the General and me in perpetual convulsions, and even ALEXANDER, a somewhat awkward and taciturn youth, much weighed down by the responsibilities of his freshmanhood at Oxford, was pleased to unbend and smile approvingly at the amazing sallies of the wizard COBBYN.

One story I remember in particular, though I dare not attempt to repeat it as COBBYN told it. It was about the wretched adventures of a certain travelling companion of his on a shooting expedition in Albania. It was a story that never seemed to cease,--a bad recommendation for most stories, I admit; but in this case so artfully and with such surprising humour and force was it told, so vividly did it depict a long series of ludicrous sufferings culminating in the total loss of the sufferer's clothes and his involuntary appearance in the full uniform of a Turkish Zaptieh, with other surprising and endless episodes, that at the last we had in the midst of our gasps of helpless laughter to implore the narrator to stop for the sake of our sides and the resounding rafters of the General's house.

At other times the irresistible WILFRID would pose reminiscently as the gallant protector of outraged virtue, or as the hero of some deathless story of courage and coolness by which empires had been saved from disaster. And he was so persuasive, so convincing, that our imaginations, which would have refused to follow a smaller man on lower flights, soared obediently after him through an empyrean of impossible romance. Nor did he stop at this. General TEMPEST was the pattern of old-world punctilio, but before a week was out he had introduced COBBYN, of whom he knew nothing except what COBBYN told him, to all the best people in Dansington; nor shall I ever forget the air with which this glorious rascal took the portly old Countess of CARDAMUMS down to her second supper at the County Ball. He rode ALEXANDER'S chestnut, and ALEXANDER never murmured. The General's ancient retainer went on his many errands, and neither the General nor his man saw anything out of the way in the proceeding. Even CLARA looked, I thought, with some favour--but as CLARA always breaks into indignant denials whenever this is hinted, I will proceed no further. As for the members of the Dansington Club they were enthusiastic in COBBYN'S praises. The young sparks imitated his fashions in ties and collars, the old bucks repeated to one another his stories, and one and all vowed he was "an uncommon good fellow, by Gad."

To me COBBYN was always profusely polite, with that flattering politeness which induces the flattered to think himself just a shade cleverer and sharper and better than his fellow-creatures, and on the day before my departure he honoured me by borrowing a ten-pound note of me and writing my London address with much ceremony on the back of an envelope, which I afterwards found lying about in a passage of the General's house.

Three months afterwards there was a tempest in Dansington. COBBYN had gone away for two days and had stayed away for good. His intimates and the Dansington tradesmen became uneasy, rumours began to spread, and the result was a crash which made some very knowing fellows look extremely foolish, and filled the Club with honest British imprecations. Little TOM SPINDLE, who commanded a troop of the Fallowshire Yeomanry (the Duke of DASHBOROUGH'S Hussars) and had the reputation of spending a royal income with beggarly meanness, had backed one of COBBYN'S bills for £1,000. Sir PAUL PACKTHREAD, one of the greatest of the local magnates, had lent him £500 without a scrap of security, and Colonel CHUTNEY had put £300 into the Ephemeral Soapsuds Company, Limited, of which COBBYN was to have been the managing director. I cannot go through the whole long list. He had fleeced all that was fleeceable in Dansington, and had vanished into the clouds. How he managed to do it, by what artful proposals he conquered the avarice of SPINDLE, prevailed over the mercantile sagacity of PACKTHREAD, and subdued the fiery temper of CHUTNEY, will never be known. Partly, no doubt, he succeeded by being here and there perfectly truthful and candid. He _was_ the son of a well-to-do country Squire, but the father had long since ejected his offspring from the paternal mansion; he had really travelled and had often displayed pluck. But his chief gifts were his good-humour, his ardent imagination, and a persuasive tongue that gained for him the trusting confidence of his victims almost before he himself knew that he meant to victimise them.

They tell me he is now established somewhere in the West of America. Wherever he goes he is sure to be popular--for a time.

Goodbye, dear old PLAU! I hope I haven't bored you. Yours trustfully, DIOGENES ROBINSON.

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A WILDE "TAG" TO A TAME PLAY.

SCENE--_A Theatre with Audience and Company complete. The former "smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking forward to the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but over._

_Servant_ (_to_ Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in the Hall. May she come up?

_Countess._ Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once?

_Servant_ (_arranging his powdered hair in a glass_). Because in cases of exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up herself!

_Countess_ (_smiling_). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not know that cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is more than half found out?

_Servant_ (_taking up coal scuttle_). Like the hair of your Lady-ship--out of curl! [_Exit._

_Countess._ A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me avoid him. A married man is quite out of date--save when he forms the subject of his own obituary. [_Exit._

_A pause. Enter the_ Duchess of BATTERSEA.

_Duchess._ Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke with me, after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his head when he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to catch a 'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me--where's the difference?

_Enter_ Earl PENNYPLAINE.

_Earl_ (_angrily_). You here!

_Duchess_ (_with an appealing gesture_). You are not pleased to see me! You regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A past unblessed by a clergyman--in fact, a past without a pastor!

_Earl._ Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no home for old jokes!

_Duchess._ You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you so badly? Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a rival? Why I have blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds? Do you know why I have done all this and more? I will tell you. Because I am your Mother-in-law!

_Earl_ (_in a choking voice_). I suspected as much from the very first!

_Re-enter the_ Countess, _carrying a heap of family portraits._

_Countess._ Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors. Take 'em, and bless you!

_Duchess_ (_overflowing with emotion_). My dear, this is too much. (_Weeps._) You un_woman_--I should say un_lady_--me!

_Enter_ Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.

_Lord T.C._ Come and marry me.

_Duchess._ With pleasure! Lawks-a-mussy! [_Exeunt._

_Earl._ And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.

_Quick Curtain._

_Applause follows, when enter the Author. He holds between his thumb and forefinger a lighted cigarette._

_Author._ Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays to do what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco while I enjoy a smoke myself. (_Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst the audience à la_ HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my tail-coat for a smoking jacket? Thank you! (_Makes the necessary alteration of costume in the presence of the audience._) And now I will have a chair. (_Stamps, when up comes through a trap a table supporting a lounge_), and a cup of tea. (_Another table appears through another trap, bringing up with it a tray and a five o'clock set._) And now I think we are comfortable. (_Helps himself to tea, smokes, &c._) I must tell you I think my piece excellent. And all the puppets that have performed in it have played extremely well. I hope you like my piece as well as I do myself. I trust you are not bored with this chatter, but I am not good at a speech. However, as I have to catch a train in twenty minutes, I will tell you a story occupying a quarter of an hour. I repeat, as I have to catch a train--I repeat, as I have to catch a train--

_Entire Audience._ And so have we! [_Exeunt._ (_Thus the Play ends in smoke._)

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HOW TO SAVE LONDON.

(_Rather more than a Fairy Story._)

JOHN SMITH, of London, sat in front of his fire pondering over the fact that, at a great sacrifice to the interests of his native city, the coal dues had been abolished, and yet his bill for fuel was no lighter. He watched the embers as they died away, when all of a sudden a small creature appeared before him. He could not account for her presence, and did not notice from whence she came. But she was there, sure enough, and began to address him.