Chapter 2

After a mad wooing, she laughs in a "wild transport of passion," calls him a "high-minded boy," likewise "a blossoming hero," also "a babe of prowess;" all which epithets, styles and titles, are in quite the vein of _Falstaff_ addressing _Prince Hal_. Then, in return, _Siegfried_ can hit on no better compliment than to style her "a Sun" and "a Star." Having thus exhausted their joint-stock of complimentary endearments, they throw themselves into each other's arms. On which situation the Curtain discreetly falls.

All very fine and large, of course. Orchestra splendid. _Siegfried_ and _Brünnhilde_ recalled four times. Everybody, including Mr. MAHLER the Conductor, and Sir AUGUSTUS WAGNERENSIS, called before Curtain. Madame ROSA SUCHER had her evening all to herself, to go wherever she liked, as she had only to drop in at the Opera at 11 P.M., don her armour in which to appear before the public at midnight, sing a few solos, join in a duet, and be off the stage again by 12:30 A.M. punctually.

The English translation will repay perusal. There are in it some really choice morsels. This subject must be considered at the earliest operatunity.

The Singing Dragon is delightful throughout, and his death as tragic as anything in _Pyramis_ and _Thisbe_ as played by _Bottom the Weaver & Co_, _Limited_.

_Saturday_.--Production of the Illustrious ISIDORE DE LARA's _Light of Asia_. So the operatic day, that is Saturde-ay, finishes with generally-expressed opinion that this Opera is a

"DE-LA-RA-Boom-de-ay!"

Everything scenically and stage-managerially that could be done to make _The Light of Asia_ brilliant, Sir DRURIOLANUS has done; but, after a first hearing, it strikes me that, regarded as a work for the stage, it is a mere _Night-light of Asia_, which, like _Macbeth's_ "brief candle," will go "out," and "then be heard no more." If, however, it be relegated to the concert-hall, as a Cantata, _The Light of Asia_ may appear lighter than it does on the boards of Covent Garden, where, intended to be a dramatic Opera, it only recalls to me the title of one of RUDYARD KIPLING's stories, viz., _The Light that Failed_.

* * * * *

A SUTTON THOUGHT.--Mr. CHAMBERLAIN can now allude to Lord ROSEBERY as "a Sutton person of his acquaintance."

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* * * * *

AN OLD SONG REVIVED.

(_As sung by the Champion Ulster "Comique," Colonel S-nd-rs-n, to the old tune of "De Groves of de Pool," written by "honest Dick Millikin."_)

Whillaloo! If they droive us to foighting, 'Tis ourselves who will lead 'em a dance, Till, loike the Cork bhoys, they're deloighting, _Back again_ to their homes to _advance_! No longer in beating such rebels We'll take than in baiting a bull. How they'll squake, in effeminate trebles, When Ulster's battalions are full! Ri fol didder rol didder rol!

_We_ trate 'em as loving relations? _We_ trust to the "Union of Hearts"? _We_ heed the Grand Old One's orations? _We_ play the Minority's parts? _We_ bow to the yoke of TIM HEALY? _We_ stoop to the Papisthry rule? Faix! them who imagine it really Must fancy that "Orange" spells "fool." Ri fol didder rol didder rol!

_We_ consint to a sham House o' Commons Established on ould College Green? They fancy we're Radical rum 'uns! Allaygiance we owe to our QUEEN! But we're fly to _their_ thraitorous dodges; Our loyalty's edge would they dull? Fwit! We'll pour like a flood from our Lodges, And crack every "National" skull! Ri fol didder rol didder rol!

We're all friends of Law and of Order, But would they wrench _us_ from the Crown? We'll soon be a-singing "_Boyne Water_," And marching to "_Croppies, lie down!_" 'Tis we have the Men and the Money, We don't _want_ to foight, we're quite cool. But, by Jingo, our foes will look funny, When Ulster turns out 'gin Home Rule! Ri fol didder rol didder rol!

To-day in our myriads we muster. Friendly _warning_ is all that _we_ mean. About SOLLY's "incitement" Rads fluster; We're thrue to the Crown and the QUEEN: But Ulster no "pathriot" shall sever, And Ulster no "Papish" shall school. Whillaloo! Here's the Union for ever, And into the Boyne wid Home Rule! Ri fol didder rol didder rol!

Och! Here's to Dutch WILLIAM the Pious! And here's to VICTORIA the Good! If they think we _won't_ foight, let 'em try us! They mock at an Orangeman's mood, But once set the Green 'gainst the Yellow, (Wid no one our coat-tails to pull,) And I pity the pathriots who bellow (Like bhoys in a bog) for Home Rule! Ri fol didder rol didder rol!

Come, all loyal props of the nation, Come fill up a bumper all round! Drink success to our great federation; With Brummy JOE's blessing 'tis crowned. _He_ says we are heroes, right stingo, _He_ vows W.G.'s an old fool. No, we _don't_ want to fight, but, by Jingo, Whin we _do_--it's all up wid Home Rule! Ri fol didder rol didder rol! [_Left "bombinating."_

* * * * *

A BACHELOR'S GROWL.

Oh, the beautiful women, the women of ancient days, The ripe and the red, who are done and dead, With never a word of praise; The rich, round SALLIES and SUSANS, the POLLIES and JOANS and PRUES, Who guarded their fame, and saw no shame In walking in low-heeled shoes.

They never shrieked on a platform; they never desired a vote; They sat in a row and liked things slow, While they knitted or patched a coat. They lived with nothing of Latin, and a jolly sight less of Greek, And made up their books, and changed their cooks On an average once a week.

They never ventured in hansoms, nor climbed to the topmost 'bus, Nor talked with a twang in the latest slang; They left these fashions to us. But, ah, she was sweet and pleasant, though possibly not well-read, The excellent wife who cheered your life, And vanished at ten to bed.

And it's oh the pity, the pity that time should ever annul The wearers of skirts who mended shirts, And never thought nurseries dull. For everything's topsy-turvy now, the men are bedded at ten, While the women sit up, and smoke and sup In the Club of the Chickless Hen.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE USEFUL CRICKETER.

(_A CANDID VETERAN'S CONFESSION._)

I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- I seldom, indeed, make a run; But I'm rather the gainer by that, For it's bad to work hard in the sun.

As a "field" I am not worth a jot, And no one expects me to be; My run is an adipose trot, My "chances" I never can see.

I am never invited to bowl, And though, p'raps, this seems like a slight In the depths of my innermost soul I've a notion the Captain is right.

In short, I may freely admit I am not what you'd call a great catch; But yet my initials are writ In the book against every match!

For although--ay, and there is the rub-- I am forty and running to fat, I have made it all right with the Club, By presenting an Average Bat!

* * * * *

PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE.

(_AS RECORDED BY MR. PUNCH'S PATENT PHONOGRAPH._)

Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough, but fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:--

"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? Mustn't offend these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take kindly to jokes. Let me see, he served on the _Euryalus_ (query? ought I to bring in _Nisus_). Travelled a great deal--_multorum vidit et urbes_. _Mem._ Work this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. To be worked up. Sailor-Prince: _mem._ _O navis referent, etc._ See also VIRGIL's description of storm. Prince plays fiddle. Might say that VIRGIL was poet _quem vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit_. Did this, years ago, for old JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the _væ nimium miseræ vicina Cremonæ_. Prince won't know about that. What's the best Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE OF ROUMANIA. Can get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!!

"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he only got Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. Conquests of ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look up RUDYARD KIPLING for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, _sub-fusci fratres?_) good Academical joke this; sure to fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the CHANCELLOR's so poor in Latin.

"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount (_Vice-Comes_ DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; looks after education. That'll do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card asking me to say something about _Educatio libera_? _Num est tuus servus canis ut hanc rem faciat?_

"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to CICERO as a barrister. _Solicitor Generalis_ doesn't sound right somehow. Refused to be Lord Chancellor. _Mem._ Get good joking Latin for Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must see me through.

"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him myself. _Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu ter_--What the dickens is Mayor in Latin? Did anybody make screws in ancient Rome? _Mem._ Work up orchids and eyeglass. _Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi restitit._ Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's got a son who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at OSCAR BROWNING and East Worcestershire. Something about old-age pensions. Bah, I hate the job!

"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be skimmed over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (_sibi constat_). Books by the dozen (_lucidus ordo, etc._). French Revolution (_res novæ_). Ardent reformer (_res renovanda radicitus_). Ought to drag in _impiger, iracundus, inexorabilis acer_. Better not, on second thoughts.

"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest to-morrow. _Mem._ WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford (_duo millia passuum; Oxoniensibus triumphatus_, and a few japes about Isthmian games. Must fetch them). Remember to give ROBY one or two for himself over his Latin grammar. Mostly wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of cotton. SEELEY and the others can wait."

* * * * *

MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his name to SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four duns. "The duns used always to be after me," says he; "now I've got 'em before me. It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant times."

* * * * *

KENSINGTON GARDENS.

(_IN THE SUMMER EVENINGS, AFTER EIGHT._)

_As they are, always._--Closed. Within, a solitary policeman, moping. Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a dusty road, and gazing through the iron railings at the cool groves within. A mile away, or nearer, some military bands (paid--by whom?--no matter--ultimately by tax-payers, who don't get much for their money), bored to death for lack of work, and any number of charitable institutions spending half their funds in advertising for more.

_As they might be, sometimes._--Open. At the gate energetic policemen taking the shillings of eager citizens who crowd in to sit and smoke in the cool groves, lighted by inexpensive Chinese lanterns, and to listen to the music of the military bands, now alert, cheerful and occupied. Scattered through the cool groves a few energetic, but unobtrusive, policemen, seeing that everyone behaves as quietly as at the Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the next morning) any number of charitable institutions receiving the shillings thus virtuously and profitably spent.

* * * * *

SYLLOGISMS OF THE STUMP.

(_SELECTED--AND CONDENSED--FROM RECENT PLATFORM "ARGUMENTS."_)

There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the majority desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be given to their decision.

The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule.

Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give Legislative sanction to that desire.

* * * * *

The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and refining.

That influence can be most effectively and legitimately exercised by and through possession of the Electoral Franchise.

Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the Parliamentary vote.

* * * * *

It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight Hours' Day legislation) unless you "mean business" in that matter.

_I_ do not mean business in that matter--at present.

Therefore I shall be delighted to receive the deputation.

* * * * *

Liberal Legislation is bad for the country.

The present Government has successfully accomplished more Liberal Legislation than any of its predecessors.

Therefore the country should vote for the present Government.

* * * * *

The Gladstone Government of 1880 made many serious mistakes.

_I_ was a leading Member of that Government.

Therefore you cannot go wrong in following me now.

* * * * *

Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord R., and addressed to him certain awkward questions and posing arguments to which he is bound to attempt an answer.

Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C., and devoted the whole of his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and arguments.

Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted his own time and the public's.

* * * * *

I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885.

Many men have altered their opinion of _me_ since that same date.

Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous items.

* * * * *

I followed my Leader until 1881.

Some follow him still.

Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean what they say.

* * * * *

If any logical-minded reader should object that these so-called syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we should agree with him. But then they are not only the brief and formal expression of long-winded so-called arguments, which are not really arguments at all, but which, veiled in floods of verbiage, are duly presented to the public, from platform and Press, as though they really were so. _Moral_:--The clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the form of a _reductio ad absurdum_.

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MUTUAL ADVERTISEMENT BY THE COURT JESTER.--At the Shaftesbury Theatre is announced _A Play in Little_. At the Court they might announce a LITTLE in a Play. [N.B.--For explanation see Cast under Clock.] Just now, very little in any play.

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* * * * *

FROM A LAHORE PAPER.--"_Punch_," the writer ought to have said "_Mr. Punch_,"--"possesses a battery of guns, and maintains a standing army of 1,200 men." Quite correct. Wonderful how they get the news out there. The guns fire a hundred jokes per minute; all killing ones. The standing army do the thing well, and will stand anything (well-iced) to all friends within reasonable limits, under command of _Mr. Punch_, President.

* * * * *

VERY NATURAL.--Mrs. BROWN POTTER, tired of playing a Hero, is now coming out as a Heroine before the Chaff'dsbury Theatre is shut up.

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_ROD and RIVER_ is the title of a useful book about fly-fishing (it only needs "fly-leaves" for notes to make it perfect), written by a Major bearing the appropriate name of FISHER. One note he might append for the benefit of intending Etonians, that those who, not having "passed" their swimming examination, venture to go on the "river", are in danger of the "rod."

* * * * *

MRS. RAM was told that Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a giant in intellect. She said, "I don't know much about intellect, but he must be a very big giant to carry an orchard in his buttonhole."

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ODONT.!

(_AN ODE TO THE MODERN FLORA._)

Oh, Flora, fair Goddess of Flowers, skies brighten, the gardens are glowing, And lo! 'tis the season of Flower Shows, when everything seems "All-a-blowing!" And what the dickens you've been up to with the dictionary, I'm dashed if there's any possibility of knowing.

Talk about "Volapück." Why, it isn't a circumstance compared with the floral goddess's crack-jaw. I've been trying to read the account of a Flower Show to my wife. Now, at patter-songs I've a slick tongue and slack jaw. I can do "_John Wellington Wells_" pretty patly; but to read through a horticultural article Would give an alligator instantaneous tetanus; and of _meaning_ the words seem to have no particle. I should like to be introduced, in its Bornean home, to the glorious plant called Cælo Dyana. But fancy a footman having to announce Madame SPATHOGLOTTIS KIMBALLIANA! Odont. Uro-Skinneri _sounds_ like something medical and epidermic, but then we're informed that its sepals and petals Are "reticulated in tender brown and broad rosy-mauve," which immediately sends one "off the metals." The Masdevallias may be a respectable family, though _I_ should not care to marry into it, But "the hybrid M. Mundyana representing M. Veitchii × M. Ignea" (though "a wonderfully glowing orange" by all accounts), sounds so exceedingly mixed and mongrel that I'd certainly eschew it. "A noble Catt: Gigas" _sounds_ rather aristocratic: "Catt: Jacomb," I suppose, is a sort of a relative; But Od. Citrosmum, sounds awfully odd, and is not _my_ notion of a reassuring appellative. And what _are_ you to make of Odont. crisp. Sanderæ, which, whomsoever "Sanderæ" may be, _I_ don't want to "crisp" him; "A sport of nature unequalled" they call him, and no doubt his _name_ is, for I can neither clearly articulate, stutter or lisp him. I've not a doubt that, whoever he is, he is probably liked and considered by some a gem. Gyp. Chamberlainianum has a political sound, and has a strong savour of a floral Brummagem.

And then comes "Odont. vex. Bleui splendidissimum," which sounds like an appeal for "_Two Lovely Blue Eyes_." But if it means something entirely different, I shall hear it without the smallest surprise. In fact, looking further, I find, it's "an artificial hybrid from Odont. vexillarium × Odont. Roezlii." That's a staggerer. But Dend. phalænopsis Schroderæ Dellense is a still bigger horticultural swaggerer. O. Coradenei! likewise O. Crispum! I only wish that your Godmother, Flora, Would insist upon shorter and more intelligible names for her modern offspring. By bright Aurora, I can't go on worshipping at your floral shrine if the ritual is polyglot gibberish, and what's more, I won't, Ma'am. In the word (queerly spelt) of which you seem very fond, I earnestly say, Flower Goddess, Odont. Ma'am!!!

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* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_Thursday, June 9._--The great strength of the Liberal Party lies in its illimitable resources of Leadership. When in ordinary times Mr. G. is away, there is either the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD or JOHN MORLEY to take his place. Now, in these last days of dying Parliament, the Squire follows Mr. G.'s leadership even to extent of stopping away from House. JOHN MORLEY been here for short while to-night, but as soon as he saw House comfortably in Committee he, too, departed. Seemed as if Opposition, thus deserted, would stagger blindly on till it fell in some ditch. At critical moment BOBBY SPENCER quietly appeared on scene; naturally and irresistibly dropped into seat of Mr. G. on otherwise almost empty front Bench. No sounding of drums or braying of trumpets. BOBBY quietly walks up, brushing past ATHERLY JONES standing at the Bar, and takes his proper place.

Effect upon House instant and soothing. Prince ARTHUR looks up relieved. No one more interested in presence of strong hand on the rein of Opposition than the Leader of the House. Business immediately settles down to even and rapid pace. It is generally understood that BOBBY is desirous that the Government shall have every assistance given them in disposing of the remaining business. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS shows himself a little restive. Here is a great opportunity fleeting past; vote after vote put from Chair agreed to almost as rapidly as it can be recited. After half-a-dozen have been galloped through, ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS moves uneasily in his seat. Anxiously watches the youthful figure seated on front Bench. Bang goes another Million. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS can sit it no longer; jumps up and wants to know something. BOBBY, half-turning, regards him with grave eyes. Speaks no word, but ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS knows what is passing through his mind; his fluent speech falters; presently he sits down, shrivelled up, as it were, under the reproachful glance of the new Leader. Thus the hours pass, and the votes too, till by midnight all the money is voted for the Navy, and whole blocks of Civil Service Estimates have been passed.

_Business done._--Supply voted with both hands.

_Friday._--Army Estimates on in Committee of Supply. Gather from general conversation that things are awful. FRASER, V.C., says they are going to the dogs. WALTER BARTTELOT "going," as he sometimes asks permission to do, "one step farther," says they've gone. STANHOPE evidently expecting an assault on his Department, brought in with him a stout stick. "When JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON got up just now, and gave a brief _résumé_ of the operations in which his great ancestor defeated FLAMINIUS and SERVILIUS at the Lake of Thrasymenus; pretty to see how STANHOPE almost involuntarily made a pass at him with the stick.

"Question! Question!" cried STUART WORTLEY, from behind the SPEAKER's chair.

"This is the question," retorted J.A.P., "or it is at least leading me up to it. I am about, Mr. COURTNEY, to show how, supposing the War Office at Carthage had been managed on the same principles as those which govern the conduct of the Right Hon. Gentleman, my illustrious ancestor, instead of routing the enemy, would have fled from the face of FLAMINIUS, scuttled off before SERVILIUS, and would never have lived to vanquish VARROW at Cannes."