Chapter 2

"Pity," said GRAND CROSS, when I mentioned to him the depressing circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; "CURZON's a clever youth. When he's been with me a month or two, he'll brighten up considerably. Great advantage for a young man to have such guidance, coming into almost daily contact with a person like his present Chief. The fact is, TOBY, I am really responsible for the state of the House to-night. The country, England and India alike, are so satisfied with my rule over what I may, perhaps without offence, call our dusky Empire, that people do not think it worth while to go down to House to hear the affair discoursed on by my Under-Secretary. Amongst the natives in India, I'm told, I'm regarded as a sort of Fetish. Travellers in remote regions bring home stories of finding, set up in humble cottages, little images, more or less resembling me. GORST told me they have a saying there, which he was good enough to translate. His knowledge of Hindustanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired with remarkable rapidity. These are the lines:

If you'd never make a loss, Put your money on GRAND CROSS.

A free translation, GORST says, but gives you the swing and the spirit of the distich. Rather hard on CURZON that my popularity should spoil his speech, but a good thing for the country."

_Business done_.--Budget brought in.

_Tuesday_.--Wonderfully good muster in Lords to-night. Every man upon his mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that epigrammatic style that makes him so delightful, "The first duty of a Peer is to appear." Those Radicals been protesting that talk about necessity for prolonging Session over week all a flam. Simply meant to make it impossible for our delicate friend, the British Workman, to get to poll. Peers must show they mean business, by turning up with regularity and despatch.

Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred Lords in place to-night. CHELMSFORD, walking down with his umbrella, just about to add a unit to the number; stopped on the threshold by strange sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne, sees DENMAN standing at Table, shaking his fist at Prime Minister. DENMAN is wearing what CHELMSFORD, who is short-sighted, at first took to be red Cap of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a red skull-cap, designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red, but it is. Business before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill Occurs to DENMAN to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes; difficulty to catch his remarks; understood from fragmentary phrases to be extolling someone as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure before the House is Small Holdings Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude he's talking about CHAPLIN. MARKISS interposes; says, "Noble Lord not speaking to Bill before House."

It was at this moment CHELMSFORD arrived. Saw DENMAN draw himself up to full height, shake his fist at the MARKISS, and this time at full pitch of quivering voice cry, "Ha! ha! you wish to _clôture_ me again, do you? I'm very much obleeged to you. I have a right to refer in a hereditary assembly to the best man that ever stood in it."

Then noble Lords knew it couldn't have been CHAPLIN. Not yet.

_Business done_.--Still winding it up.

_Tuesday, June 28_.--Parliament prorogued and dissolved. "All over at last," says ROSCOE, putting it in another and more original way. Few to part where (six years ago) many met. Still some, chiefly Metropolitan Members, remain to see the last of the old Parliament.

"Good-bye, TOBY," Prince ARTHUR says, after we've shaken hands with the SPEAKER. "Shall see you again in August. _You_'re all right. One of those happy fellows who are returned unopposed. As for me, I have to fight for my seat, and my life."

"You'll come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the other side of House. What'll you do when you're in Opposition?"

"I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince ARTHUR, with a gleam of joy lighting up his face.

_Business done_.--Parliament dissolved.

* * * * *

NEWS ABOUT BISMARCK FOR THE BRITISH PUBLIC.--Professor SCHWENINGER, the Bizzy B.'s private physician, writes privately to _Mr. Punch_ the following news about his distinguished patient. "Tell the B.P. that P.B. sleeps like a top. This is no hum. He is up at 7 A.M., and wishes everyone 'the top of the mornin' to you,' puts on his top-boots and top-hat, and then goes out for a spin."

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FROM A CORRESPONDENT ANENT THE TRUSTEES, MESSRS. COHEN AND LEVY, AND THE GIFT OF £350,000 FOR LIVERPOOL AND MANCHESTER.--Sir,--It has been asked, what will they do with it? Liverpool and Manchester are both millionnaires and millowners too. Why not send a little to _me_? Who's Cohen, I mean who's goin' to Leave-y _me_ anything? No spare Cohen--or Coin--ever comes _my_ way! Would that a Co-hen would lay for me a golden egg as valuable as the Kohenore! Sir, I am of Irish extraction, and the Irish are of Hebraic origin, so I have some claim. Why? Because Irishmen are Hebrews first and Irish afterwards. The first settlers on settling-day in Ireland were Hebrews to a man, and isn't it clear that "Liffey" was originally "Levy?"

Yours impecuniously, THE O'DUNAHOO. _With the accent on the "Owe" and the "Dun"_

_Leafy June 30_.

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* * * * *

THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN.

(_Lately-discovered Fragments of a Grand Old Ballad, the Sequel to which may--or may not--turn up later on._)

JOHN GILPIN was a patriot Of credit and renown; A Grand Old Leader eke was he, Of famous London town.

JOHN's Liberal Lady said, "Oh, dear! Out in the cold we've been These seven tedious years, and have No chance of Office seen.

"To-morrow is Election Day, And we may then repair Our Party-split a little bit,-- That is--if you take care!

"Our Sisters, and the Labour lot, Need soothing, you'll agree; If we can all together ride, I think we'll have a spree."

He soon replied, "I do admire Of Liberal Dames but one, And you are she, my dearest dear; Therefore it shall be done!

"I am a Programme-rider bold, As all the world doth know, And my good friend the Party 'Whip' Will teach me how to go."

Quoth the good dame, "Liquor we'll want, The 'Union Tap' is queer; We'll furnished be with our own 'Blend,' Scotch-Irish bright and clear."

JOHN GILPIN kissed his partner shrewd; O'erjoyed was he to find That, though on conquest she was bent, She had a prudent mind.

* * * * *

JOHN GILPIN, at his horse's side, Seized fast the flowing mane, And up he got, in haste to ride, But soon came down again.

For saddle-tree scarce reached had he, His journey to begin. When, turning round his head, he saw Queer customers come in.

So down he came; for loss of time, Although it grieved him sore, Yet loss of Votes, full well he knew, Would trouble him much more.

'Twas long, ere these queer customers Were suited to their mind, When SCHNADDY, shouting, came down stairs, "The tipple's left behind!"

"Good lack!" quoth he, "yet bring it me, My leathern belt likewise, In which I bear my trusty blade When foes I 'pulverise.'"

His Liberal Lady (careful soul!) Had two big bottles found, To hold the liquor that she loved, And keep it safe and sound.

Each bottle had a curling ear, Through which the belt he drew, And hung a bottle at each side, To keep his balance true.

Then, over all, that he might be Equipped from top to toe, His long green cloak, well-brushed and neat, He manfully did throw.

Now see him mounted once again Upon his docile steed, Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, With caution and good heed.

It might have been a smoother road, Nor was it nice to meet First off, a Pig, who GILPIN bold With stubborn grunt did greet.

So fair and softly! JOHNY cried, But--

[_Here the fragment, so far as at present discovered, abruptly endeth._

* * * * *

TIP FROM OUR OWN BOOKING-OFFICE.--Persons about to go to the Country, whether to defend their own seat or attack someone else's, can't do better, my Baronite says, than take with them P.W. CLAYDEN's _England Under Coalition_, just published by FISHER UNWIN. It's not much to carry, but it's worth the trouble of packing up; also of unpacking, and reading. It tells the story of two Parliaments and three Governments. A pretty story it is, more interesting than most novels, and in one volume too. A marvel of condensation and lucid narrative. Only one thing lacking to a work likely to be constantly used for reference, and that is an index. "But you can't have everything," as _Queen Eleanor_ said to _Fair Rosamond_ when, having swallowed the contents of the poisoned chalice, she asked for a dagger.

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* * * * *

ELECTION NOTES.

(_BY MR. PUNCH'S SPECIAL COMMISSIONER._)

DEAR SIR,--I am glad you consented eventually to the terms I proposed. After all, £100 a-week (_and expenses_) is a mere trifle for the arduous work I expect to do for you. According to your instructions, I arrived three nights ago in the ancient borough of Bunkham-on-the-Marsh, and at once took steps to pursue those inquiries which are necessary for a satisfactory estimate of the political situation. My experience as a lightning change _artiste_ is quite invaluable. I visit the Liberal Committee-rooms, and attend Liberal meetings in a complete suit of corduroys and horny hands. Five minutes afterwards I find myself in a military moustache, a frock coat, and patent leather boots at the Conservative head-quarters. In the former disguise I enthusiastically advocate the Newcastle Programme, and denounce the base minions of Coercion. In the latter I rouse Conservative partisans to frenzy by my impassioned appeals on behalf of one Queen, one Flag, one Empire, and a policy of enlightened Conservative progress. I can highly recommend my two perorations, in one of which I consign Mr. GLADSTONE to eternal infamy, while in the other I hold up Lord SALISBURY to the derision of mankind.

I send you herewith extracts from the two newspapers published in Bunkham. The _Bunkham News_ is the organ of the Liberals; the _Bunkham Standard_ (with which are incorporated the _Bunkham Messenger_ and the _Bunkham Guardian and Mangelhire Express_) expresses the views of the Conservatives in this important district.

_The Bunkham News._

At last! The period of subterfuges and evasions is past. Fraud and dishonesty have had their day, Coercion has done its worst, and the time has come when the most scandalous and disgraceful Government of which history bears record, will have to submit itself for judgment to the opinions of those who are dishonoured by being its fellow-countrymen. We can have no doubt whatever as to what the result of the contest will be in this enlightened constituency. The men of Bunkham have been at all times noted for their love of freedom and justice, and for their hatred of those who base themselves upon oppression and iniquity. The Liberal Candidate, Mr. HENRY PLEDGER, has now been before the Constituency for more than a year. Wherever he has gone he has been received with unparalleled demonstrations of enthusiasm by the immense majority of our fellow-townsmen. His eloquence, combined with his engaging manners, have won all hearts. The fight will be short, but severe. Men of Bunkham, will you lag in the rear? The issue is to those who work from now to the polling day. If you only make a united effort, triumph is assured.

* * * * *

_The Bunkham Standard._

The date of the Dissolution has been fixed, and by making it impossible for the Elections to be held on a Saturday, the Government have given one more proof of their deep and sincere devotion to the highest interests of the working-classes. There never has been any Ministry, we make bold to say, whose record will better bear the fierce light of public investigation. Grievances have been redressed, moderate reforms, such as the country desired, have been passed into law, and turbulence and outrage have been repressed. No body of men ever deserved more fully what they now possess, and are sure to retain--the confidence and gratitude of their fellow-citizens. Our Member, Mr. TUFFAN, has borne a not unimportant part in assisting the Government by his presence in the House of Commons. His manly, straightforward integrity, and his universal generosity, have endeared him to all classes in Bunkham. We look forward with absolute confidence to his return by an immense majority. From the disorganised ranks of our adversaries there is little to fear. Let us stand shoulder to shoulder, and leave no stone unturned to win a victory which is even now within our grasp.

* * * * *

I have had interviews with prominent politicians on both sides, and have been assured on both sides, that victory is certain. Both Candidates are constantly occupied in driving all over the borough in pair-horse carriages, lavishly decorated with the party colours, orange for the Liberals, blue for the Conservatives. Mrs. PLEDGER is magnificent in an orange silk dress; Mrs. TUFFAN overwhelms me with blue ribbons. Master PLEDGER waves an orange banner in every street; Miss TUFFAN distributes blue cards in all the shops. The Liberal Committee-rooms are ablaze with pictures of Mr. GLADSTONE; the Conservative Office flames with Union Jacks, and other Imperial devices. Eight meetings are to be held in different parts of the Constituency to-night. Immense efforts are being made to capture the votes of the Association of Jam Dealers, which has its chief factory here. Master PLEDGER has just gone by in a Victoria, with a huge pot of "Bunkham Jam" on the seat in front of him. He had a spoon, and was apparently enjoying himself. This manoeuvre has much depressed the Conservatives, who consider it disgraceful. More next week.

Yours always, THE MAN IN THE MOON.

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* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Advice Gratis, 291, 305 After Dinner--at the Close of the Year, 1 After the Event, 268 "Airy Fairy Lilly 'Un!" 125 "All's (Fairly) Well," 189 "And a good Judge, too," 87 Anglo-American French, 108 Another Rural Conference, 37 Another Shakspeare, 133 Any Man to any Woman, 227 April Showers, 198 Archdeacon Answered (The), 310 "Are you Hansard now?" 133 'Arry Examined, 15 'Arry on Wheels, 217 Ars Longa, 221 Art in the City, 232 Atrabilious Liverpool, 6 Aspirations, 262 At Mrs. Ram's, 42 Attack on the "Capital" (The), 66

Bachelor's Growl (A), 294 Berlin Citizen's Diary (A), 190 Better and Better, 268 "Beyond the Dreams of Avarice," 161 Bird of Prey (A), 230 Blizzard from the North, 278 Boat-Race Day, 169 Bogie Man (The), 138 Bones of Joseph (The), 313 Bos _v_. Boss, 9 Bounds of Science (The), 182 Boxing Imbroglio (The), 39 Brawling at Home and Abroad, 179 Breaking, 186 Brer Fox and Old Man Crow, 281 Bridal Wreath (The), 42 Broken Bonds, 182 Brother Brush, A.R.A., 65 Brown-Jones Incident (The), 197 Burial of the "Broad Gauge" (The), 266 Burning Words, 237 "Butchered to make ----," 147 Butter and Bosh, 138 By a Small Western, 93 By One of the Unemployed, 289

Capital! 25 "Call you this Backing your Friends?" 218 Cardinal Manning, 39 "Cave Kanem!" 315 Change of Name suggested, 42 Charles Haddon Spurgeon, 73 "Charles, his Friends," 83 Chef's New Dish for Travellers (The), 124 Chimes (The), 2 Christmas in Germany, 24 Churlish Cabman (The), 157 City Men, 94 "Clerk me no Clerks," 153 Climatic Nomenclature for the New Year, 6 Cockney Classics, 179 "Combining Amusement with Instruction," 100 "Come hither, Hubert!" 69 Coming of Ninety-Two, 6 Complicated Case, 89 Confessions of a Duffer, 35, 45, 49, 76, 97, 125, 141, 169, 202, 229, 256, 285 Connected with the Press, 189 Considerate, 265 Couplet by a Cynic, 222 Courier of the Hague (The), 289 Court Cards, 233 Covent Garden Masque (The), 37 Cries without Wool, 48, 129 Criterion of Morals (A), 225 Crossed-Examination, 24 Cross-Examiner's Vade Mecum (The), 27 Cupid's Tennis-Courts, 81 Cursory Observation (A), 213 "Cuts!" 303

Dangerous Title (A), 72 Dawn of a New Era (The), 48 Day at Antwerp (A), 277 "Deadly Cigarette" (The), 252 Death in the Pop, 124 Dentist's Waiting-Room (A), 261 "De Profundis," 209 Destroying the Spider's Web, 159 Dialogue of the Future (A), 37 Dissolution--(as the Enemy of the London Season), 290 Dogs and Cats, 94 Doing the Old Masters, 121 Dreams, 131 Drinks and Dramas, 189 Duke of Devonshire (The), 1 Dynamite Dragon (The), 186 Dynamitical Arguments, 21

Earl's Court Idyl (An), 304 Early Spring, 229 Effectively Settling it, 172 Election Notes, 321 Empty Triumph (An), 172 Encounter, 124 Entêtement Britannique, 133 Episcopacy in Danger, 268 Essence of Parliament, 84, 90, 102, 114, 131, 143, 155, 166, 179, 190, 227, 238, 244, 264, 274, 286, 300, 310, 317

Fair Philosopher (A), 41 Fair Traders, 261 Fancy Ball (The), 106 Fête of Flora (The), 313 Fettered, 195 Fogged! 21 Force of Example (The), 135 Foreign and Home News, 73 "Foresters" (The), 161 Free and Easy Theatres, 36 "Frogs" at Oxford (The), 145 From a Lahore Paper, 298 From Parliamentary Exam. Paper, 99 From Robert, 174 From the Shades, 262 From the Theatres, &c., Commission, 198 Fudge Formula (A), 118

General's Little Fund (The), 242 Gifted Being (A), 310 Gifts for the New Year, 9 Girls of the Period, 305 Gladstonian Mem (A), 47 Good Grace-ious! 85 Good News indeed! 36 Great Loss to Everybody (A), 135 Greek meets Greek, 9

"Hair-Cutting, Singeing, and Shampooing," 136 Hamlet in half an hour, 281 Hamlet in the Haymarket (The), 185 Hamlet; or, Keeping it Dark, 225 "Hard to Beer!" 25 Haunted House (The), 250 "Heavens!" 69 High (Beerbohm) Treason! 65 History as she is Played! 273 Hero of the Summer Sale (The), 60 Honour of the Bar (The), 48 Horace in London, 93, 120, 137, 149, 269, 312 Horse-Educator (The), 316 Hospitality à la Mode, 145 How they bring the Good News, 214 How to Report the Practice of the Crews, 159 How to Save London, 113 Humpty-Dumpty up again! 17 Hyde Park Corner, 261

Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 51 In Defence of the Great Paradoxist, 262 India for the Irish! 99 In Fancy Dress, 196 Influenza Song (An), 93 Inharmonious Colours, 306 "Innings declared Closed," 282 In Statu,--quo? 70 In the Seat of Wisdom, 94 In this style, Six-and-Eightpence, 81 "It will Wash!" 288

Jim's Jottings, 14, 85 Jokim's Latest Little Joke, 204 Judges in Council (The), 59 Justice for Justice, 108

Kensington Gardens, 297 Killing no Murder, 266 King and the Clown (The), 172 "Know all men by these Presents," 213

Lady Gay's Selections, 261, 273, 286, 300, 302, 313 "La Grippe," 61 La Justice pour Rire, 218 Last of the Guards (The), 75 Latterday Valentine (A), 89 Laying a Ghost, 201 Lay of the Analytic Novelist (The), 17 Lay of the Literary Autolycus (The), 213 Lay of the Litigant (The), 60 Lay Sermon (A), 246 Lays of Modern Home, 9 Legend of the Mutton Bone (The), 192 Letters to Abstractions, 5, 72, 112, 184 Liquor Question (A), 193 Limb and the Law (The), 262 "Little Holiday" (A), 126 Local Colour, 94 Lockwood the Lecturer, 145 Lord Bramwell, 258 Lord Wildermere's Mother-in-Law, 123 Lost Luggage, 265

"Marie, come up!" 57 "Married and Single," 273 Marvels of Modern Science (The), 157 Matinée Mania, 165 Matrimony Up to Date, 39 "Meeting of the Waters" (The), 118 Mems. of Theatres, &c., Commission, 244 Menu from Birmingham (A), 70 Menu from Hatfield (A), 54 Mixed, 245 Moan of the Music-Hall Muse (The), 278 Modern Alexander's Feast (The), 111 Modesty of Genius (The), 133 More Bones to Pick with the School-Board, 81 More than Satisfied, 241 Morning of the Derby (The), 273 Mr. Bayly's Coast-Spectre, 47 Mr. Goschen's Budget, 193 Mr. Punch's Agricultural Novel, 226 Mr. Punch's Boat-Race Novel, 177 Mr. Punch's Hebridean Salmon-Fly Book, 205 Mr. Punch's New-Year Honours, Gifts, Good Wishes, and Greetings, 23 Mr. Punch's Royal Academy Guide, 220 Mr. Punch's Up-to-Date Poetry for Children, 145, 213 Mr. Punch to the Illustrated London News, 242 Mr. Punch to the Life-boat Men, 74 Mrs. Ram on Current Politics, 69 "Murder in Jest," 237 "Music in Our Street" (The), 57 "Must it come to this?" 129 "My dear Eyes! What! See-usan!" 153 My Soap, 193

"Names and their Meaning," 171 Neo-Dramatic Nursery Rhyme, 193 "Ne Plus Ulster," 305 Newest Narcissus (The), 194 New Gallery (The), 227 New Learning (The), 249 New Monitor (The), 18 News about Bismarck, 317 New Songstress (A), 315 Night Lights, 57 "Not at Home!" 234

Ode to a Giraffe, 173 Odont.! 298 "Off his Feed," 123 Old Friend at the Criterion (An), 101 Old Song Revived (An), 294 On a New Yearling, 13 "One Touch of Nature," 262 Only Fancy! 12, 23, 29, 39 On my Lady's Poodle, 261 On Religious Cymbalism, 106 "On the Blazoned Scroll of Fame," 141 On the First Green Chair, 189 On the (Post) Cards, 209 On the Row among the Romancers, 240 "On the Sly," 83 On the Traill, 60 Opera-Goer's Diary (The), 257, 280 Operatic Notes, 269, 293, 305, 313 "Orme! Sweet Orme!" 242 _Other_ "Westminster Stable" (The), 246 Our Booking-Office, 4, 21, 36, 41, 60, 94, 108, 109, 133, 149, 185, 197, 250, 257, 268 Our Cookery-Bookery, 249 Our Cricketers, 179 Our Humorous Composer, 25 Our Sal Volatile; or, A Wriggler Sarpint of Old Nile, 278 "Out in the Cold!" 63