Chapter 3

_Coun._ Won't let you speak! Why, I can't get a word out of you. Now, Sir--in plain English--are you a liar or not?

_Wit._ (_appealing to Judge_). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?

_Judge_. Be good enough to answer the Counsel's questions. I have nothing to do with it.

_Coun._ Now, Sir--once more; are you a liar, or are you not?

_Wit._ I don't think that's the way to speak to me--

_Coun._ Don't bully me, Sir! You are here to tell us the truth, or as much of it as you can.

_Wit._ But surely you ought to--

_Coun._ Don't tell me what I ought to do, Sir. Again; are you a liar, or are you not?

_Wit._ Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question?

_Coun._ You are not there to ask me questions, Sir, but to answer _my_ questions to _you_.

_Wit._ Well. I decline to reply.

_Judge_ (_to Witness_). Now you had better be careful. If you do not answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to send you to gaol for contempt of Court.

_Coun._ Now you hear what his Lordship says, and now, once more, are you a liar, or are you not?

_Wit._ (_confused_). I don't know.

_Coun._ (_to Jury_). He doesn't know! I need ask nothing further! [_Sits down._

_Foreman_ (_to Judge_). May we not ask, my Lord, how you consider this case is being conducted?

_Judge_. With pleasure. Gentlemen! I will repeat what I remarked to the Master quite recently. I think the only word that will describe the matter is "noble." Distinctly noble!

[_Scene closes in upon despair of Witness._

NEW STYLE.--_Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side._

_Coun._ I presume. Sir, that--

_Wit._ (_sharply_). You have no right to presume. Ask me what you want, and have done with it.

_Coun._ (_amiably_). I think we shall get on better--more quickly--if you kindly attend to my questions.

_Wit._ Think so? Well, it's a matter of opinion. But, as I have an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you are instructed to ask, and settle the matter off-hand.

_Coun._ If you will allow me to speak--

_Wit._ Speak!--I like that! Why I can't get a rational word out of you!

_Coun._ (_appealing to Judge_). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?

_Judge_. Be good enough to attend to the Witness. I have nothing to do with it.

_Wit._ (_impatiently_). Now, Sir, am I to wait all day?

_Coun._ (_mildly_). I really venture to suggest that is not quite the tone to adopt.

_Wit._ Don't bully me, Sir! I am here to answer any questions you like to put, always supposing that you have any worth answering.

_Coun._ But come--surely you ought to--

_Wit._ I am not here to learn my duty from you, Sir. You don't know your subject, Sir. How long have you been called?

_Coun._ I decline to reply.

_Judge_ (_to Counsel_). Now you had really better be careful. I wish to treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time I shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your Benchers.

_Wit._ You hear what his Lordship says. What are you going to do next?

_Coun._ (_confused_). I don't know.

_Wit._ (_to Jury_). He doesn't know! I needn't stay here any longer.

[_"Stands" down._

_Judge_ (_to Jury_). May I ask you, Gentlemen, how you consider this case is being conducted?

_Foreman of the Jury_. With pleasure, my Lord. We were all using the same word which exactly describes the situation. We consider the deportment of the Witness "noble." Distinctly noble.

[_Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel._

* * * * *

ROBERT IN A FOG!

Well, if we ain't a been and had a werry pretty dose of reel London Fog lately, I, for one, shood like to kno when we did have one. As for its orful effecks upon tempers, speshally female ones, Well, it's about enuff to drive a pore Waiter, let alone a hard-workin, middel-aged Husband, stark staring mad!

However, thank goodness, I've got one werry grand xception, and he reglar cheers me up with his constant good humer.

I need ardly say as it's my old Amerrycan friend, who has cum back to the Grand Hotel again, jest for to see what a reel London Winter is like, and he bears it all, fog and all, splendidly. He was jest in time to see Lord MARE's Sho from one of our best front winders, and if he didn't sit there and larf away as the pore soddened and soaked persession parsed by, speshally at the Lord MARE's six gennelmen with their padded carves and pink silk stockins, I never seed a gennelman larf. "Why on earth, Mr. ROBERT," he says to me, "why don't they have it in the bewtifool Summer, for it's reelly a very splendid performunce?" To which I replied, rather smartly, becoz I was naterally rayther cross, "Becoz it has allers bin held on the same honnerd day since the rain of Lord Mare ALLWINE, who rained sewen hunderd years ago." "And has probably rained ewer since," he larfingly replied, as he went out.

He thinks London a fine place for Theaters, and went sumware amost ewery nite afore the Fog begun; but that rayther tried him, speshally in the middle of the day; so he harsked me to tell him, from my long xperience, what was the best posserbel Lunch with which to fite agenst it. So I pulled myself together, and told him one of my good stories:--"One of our werry best City Judges, who is passed and gone, used to have a fat Buck sent to him wunce a year by the QUEEN, from Windsor Forest. He didn't care werry much for Wenson hisself, so he goes to BRING AND RYMER, wich is potical sort o' name, but it is the Turtel Firm, and he xchanges his Fat Buck for Turtel Lunches all through the cold, cold Winter, and they kep him helthy and strong for years."

"Then bring me one of his Lordship's Lunches at 2 o'clock sharp, to-day," said he, "and I'll try it." So I took him a scrumpshus bason of thick Turtel, and a pint Bottel of CLICKO's rich Shampane, and he finisht the lot, and said, "Bring me xactly the same splendid lunch ewery day the fog lastes." And I did; and he told me as how it enabeld him to face it bravely.

Well, now for my foggy story. On that orful Toosday as ewer was, I was a going to cross Cheapside near the Post Office, when a stout elderly Lady arsked me to see her over, and, just as we got to the Statty, in the middel of the road, down she fell, and dragged me down with her. A most kind Perliceman rushed to our asistance, and saved us both. I then, luckily, got her a Cab, and took her home to ---- Square, and, after paying the Cabby jest what he chose to arsk, she arsked, with a sweet smile, if I shood be offended if she gave me jest a triful for praps saving her life, as she said. I told her, as I was only a pore Waiter, I was used to tips and strays; so she gave me a reel gold sovering, and a good arty squeeze of the hand, and paid the Cabby to take me home, and finisht by saying, "If you ever want a triful, Sir, you know where to get it." And all I has to add is, that I thinks as my better arf mite have been jest a leetel more grayshus, as I told her, with amost tears in my eyes, of the graitfool conduck of the Lady of ---- Square.

ROBERT.

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CHRISTMAS IN GERMANY.--"The beauties of Leadenhall and Farringdon," said the _D.T._, "do not figure in 'der Hallen an der Spree.'" But in England, during Christmas time generally, we were "Hallen on der Spree." Rather!

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"THE DRAMA OF TO-DAY."--A Morning Performance.

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