Chapter 2

That hardy annual known as The Drury Lane Pantomime is in full vigour this year, its flowers of a more brilliant colour than ever, and its leaves, as evidenced by the book of words, are fresh and vigorous. In no other sense, however, does the Drury Lane Pantomime bear any resemblance to "a plant." There is no "take in" about it, except that even big Old Drury is not capable of holding all who would be present; and so it happens nightly I believe, that many are turned away from the doors bitterly disappointed. Such certainly was the case when the present deponent was installed,--without any unnecessary ceremony,--on a certain given night last week. "The book" is by the Every-knightly DRURIOLANUS and his faithful Esquire, HARRY NICHOLLS, who, much to everybody's regret, does not on this occasion appear as one of the exponents of his own work. There are Miss FANNIE LESLIE--too much "ie" in this name now, and one may ask "for why"?--Miss MARIE (not "MARY"--oh dear now!) LLOYD, Miss PATTIE--not PATTY of course--HEYWOOD, Mr. JOHN and Miss EMMA (dear me! _not_ EMMIE!) D'AUBAN, and Messrs. HERBERT CAMPBELL as a grotesque monarch, Mr. DAN LENO as _Queen of Hearts_, Mr. FRED WALTON, wonderful in a frame as the living image of the _Knave of Hearts_, and a crowd of clever people. But among the entire _dramatis personæ_, first and foremost, both the least and the greatest, is the impersonator of _Humpty-Dumpty_ himself, the _Yellow Dwarf_ alias Little TICH, who shares with the gorgeous spectacle and the exquisite combination of colours in Scene Eight, _The Wedding_, the first honours of the Great Drury Lane Annual. It is emphatically a Pantomime for children to see and to enjoy. The action is so rapid, song succeeds dance, and dance succeeds song, and permutations and combinations of colour are so brilliant and so frequent, that anyone who wants full change for his money and a bonus into the bargain, will find it in the return he will get for his outlay on visiting the Drury Lane Annual. And now about the Harlequinade. The "Opening," as it used to be called, which, terminating with the Grand Transformation Scene, ought to be, theoretically at least, only the introduction to the real business of the evening, that is, the "Pantomime business," concludes at 10·45, and allows three-quarters of an hour for what is called "the Double Harlequinade"--which consists of one old-fashioned English Pantomime-scene, followed by a comparatively modern--for 'tis not absolutely "new and original"--French Pantomime-scene, and this arrangement seems like, so to speak, pitting English Joey against French Pierrot. This friendly rivalry has had the effect of waking up the traditional Grimaldian spirit of Pantomime, and Mr. HARRY PAYNE's scene, besides coming earlier than usual, is, in itself, full of fun of the good old school-boyish kind; and if the Public, as Jury, is to award a palm to either competitor, then it must give a hand--which is much the same thing as "awarding a palm"--to its old friend, HARRY PAYNE, who, with TULLY LEWIS as _Pantaloon_, has pulled himself together, and given us a good quarter of an hour of genuine Old English Pantomime, compared with which the other, though its fooling is excellent in its own way, is only comic _ballet d'action_ after the style of _Fun in a Fog_. I think that was the title, but am not sure, of the gambols with which the MARTINETTI _troupe_ used to entertain us. The new and improved style of ballet-dancing introduced by the now celebrated _pas de quatre_ at the Gaiety, is charming, as here and now represented by Miss MABEL LOVE and her graceful companions.

To sum up; as the inspired poet of the immortal ode on Guy Fawkes' Day saw no reason why that particular treason should ever be forgot, so I, but uninspired, and only mortal, am unable to ascertain the existence of any objection to the opinion that this Pantomime possesses staying power sufficient to carry itself on for an extra long run of several months over Easter, and, maybe, up to Whitsuntide. There is but one DRURIOLANUS, and the Pantomime is his Profit! The two authors have achieved what "all the King's horses and all the King's men" (not of Cambridge, of course) could not effect!--they have set _Humpty-Dumpty_ on his legs again! And so congratulations to "all concerned"! And, without prejudice to Sir DRURIOLANUS,

I beg to sign myself, THE OTHER KNIGHT.

* * * * *

THE LAY OF THE ANALYTIC NOVELIST.

["It is not the patent, obvious results of the inner working of mind on which the modern novelist dwells, it is on that inner working itself."--_Daily Chronicle_.]

That odd barrel-organ, the human mind, I love to explore; 'tis the analyst's lune; But if I can only contrive to find How the pipes will grunt, and the handle will grind, I don't care a fig for the _tune_!

* * * * *

"HIT ONE OF YOUR OWN SIZE."--About the ups or downs of the Alexandra Palace, Mr. SHAW LEFEVRE shouldn't have a row with a LITTLER, specially when the LITTLER, who if he, with his friends, take over the lease of the Alexandra themselves, will then be a Lessor, is pretty sure to get the best of the discussion.

* * * * *

BY A THOUGHTFUL PHILOSOPHER.--Any remedy against London fogs must involve a grate change.

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* * * * *

THE NEW MONITOR; OR, JOSEPH'S JOBATION.

["It is reasonable to assume that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN will at once perceive how his position has been altered by becoming the head of a party including many shades of opinion, instead of being, as he has been, the spokesman of a small set of politicians, earnest, no doubt, and active, but not quite in sympathy with all those who shared their fortunes."--_The Times_.

"The arrangements consequent on Lord HARTINGTON's succession to the Peerage have very much narrowed the freedom previously enjoyed by the Member for West Birmingham, and, in a corresponding degree, enlarged the sphere of his responsibilities.... The Statesman who has to act as guide and moderator at St. Stephen's will be careful, no doubt, not to compromise his authority by any indiscreet or extravagant insistance on remote and contentious issues."--_The Standard_.]

SCENE--_St. Stephen's School. Present, Doctor T., Principal, Mrs. S., Matron, and Master JOE, Pupil, lately promoted to Monitorship in the Lower School._

_Doctor T._ Ahem! And so, JOSEPH, we have to congratulate you upon your--a--a--promotion!

_Master Joe_ (_coolly_). You are very good, Sir, I'm sure. [_Whistles._

_Doctor T._ Not at all, JOSEPH, not at all. That is to say--ahem!--you doubtless deserve it.

_Mrs. S._ Doubtless deserve it, JOSEPH! I always _said_ you would turn out a better boy than, at one time I--that is to say, _many_--expected. It is a great consolation to me, JOSEPH, after all the care--

_Master Joe_ (_aside_). And the numerous jobations!

_Mrs. S._ That I--that we have bestowed upon you, to find--ahem!--our best hopes so amply fulfilled.

_Dr. T._ _Fulfilled_, JOSEPH; whether amply or not it remains for you to prove.

_Master Joe_ (_carelessly_). All right, Sir, _I_'ll prove it fast enough.

_Dr. T._ I trust so, JOSEPH, I trust so, though "fast enough" is _hardly_ the phrase _I_ should have adopted, or--ahem!--recommended,--in the circumstances!

"Is there a word wants nobleness and grace, Devoid of weight, nor worthy of high place?"

You know what our excellent HORACE bids you do in such a case.

_Master Joe_ (_aside_). Bothersome old _Blimber_!

_Mrs. S._ Yes, JOSEPH, slanginess, carelessness and extravagance of speech will not befit your present position, you know.

_Master Joe_. (_aside_). Prosy old _Pipchin_!

_Dr. T._ You could not, JOSEPH, put before you a better model than the boy whose post you assume, in consequence of his going to the Upper School; young HARTY, I mean, a boy who was ever a pattern of propriety, and one absolutely to be depended upon to maintain the prestige of the school, and--ahem!--the authority of the Masters, in every contingency.

_Mrs. S._ In _every_ contingency, JOSEPH. How unlike that talented, but untrustworthy, senior of his, and of yours, WILL GLADSTONE; a lad whose leadership you once acknowledged, but whose pernicious influence, I am happy to find, you have lately quite cast off.

_Master Joe_ (_knowingly_). Rather! Where there's a WILL there's a way; and WILL thought it must always be _his_ way. But "not for JOE!"

_Dr. T._ Again, JOSEPH, is not that--ahem!--quotation from the popular minstrelsy of our time a _leetle_ reminiscent of ruder, and more Radical days?

_Master Joe_. Perhaps so, Sir, perhaps so. Let me then say that "_Ego primam tollo, nominor quoniam Leo_" is a very pretty maxim for lions--and jackals. The former _rôle_ I may not yet have risen to, but I'm hanged if I'll stoop to the latter.

_Dr. T._ Quite so, quite so! At any rate, not in such a questionable _Leonina Societas_. Remember, also, JOSEPH, what an awful example you have in young GRANDOLPH, with whom, at one time, you seemed a little intimate. You have only to reflect upon _his fiasco_, "to have the counsels of prudence borne in imperatively upon your mind, and the lesson will not be the less impressively taught if it is remembered that GRANDOLPH will be on the spot to take note of and profit by any mistakes that may be committed by his more deserving and successful rival."

_Master Joe_ (_aside_). Lessons all round, eh? Seems to me all this grandmotherly advice is wondrous like a "wigging" in disguise. Perhaps they'll find I'm better at teaching than learning.

_Mrs. S._ _Cavendo tutus_, JOSEPH, safe by caution. The motto of your predecessor. You cannot do better than take it as your own.

_Master Joe_ (_innocently_). Think not, Ma'am? I fancy every man ought to have his _own_ motto. Now _I_ was thinking of _Cede nullis_!

_Doctor T._ Tut--tut--tut, JOSEPH! Inappropriate,--in your _present_ position. You will have to yield to _many_,--to those in authority over you, in fact. "Leaders! (and Monitors) have to subordinate their personal tastes, and even their individual convictions, to an enlarged conception of the general advantage."

_Mrs. S._ Yes, JOE, don't, whatever you do, compromise your authority by any indiscreet or extravagant insistance--

_Master Joe_ (_quickly, though with becoming gravity_). Quite so, Ma'am! _Very_ true, Sir! My "conceptions," I may say, have "enlarged" considerably of late, since I have found (as Mrs. S. well says) "how much of my antipathy" (to the powers that be) "was sheer prejudice." And, as to "the general advantage," I am sanguine that I shall find it consonant--if not identical--with my own.

_Doctor T._ (_dubiously_). Humph! Suppose you say _yours_ with _it_, JOSEPH?

_Master Joe_ (_airily_). As you please, Sir. Things which are equal to the same thing are equal to one another, you know.

_Mrs. S._ (_aside_). Smart boy, very! I fancy I should have more confidence in him if he were a little _less_ so.

_Doctor T._ (_gravely_). You see, JOSEPH, there are some things in your earlier school career which your well-wishers would fain--forget. You were rather what is called, I think, "a young Radical" once, not to say "a bit of a pickle." You seemed not altogether out of sympathy with such revolutionary proceedings as "revolts" and "barring-outs," and even talked once, if I remember rightly, of putting the Principals "to ransom"--doctrines better worthy of a Calabrian brigand than of a public school-boy. But let bygones _be_ bygones. Now that you are in a position of responsibility and--respectability, you will, of course, abandon all such revolutionary rubbish, and think not of yourself, but others; consider less the wild wishes of your inferiors than the wise commands of your betters.

_Master Joe_ (_solemnly_). Oh, of _course_, Sir! And now, if you, _Dr. Poloni_--ahem!--Dr. T., and _Mrs. Pip_--I mean Mrs. S., have _quite_ finished your wig--I should say wise counsellings, I think I'll--go out and play! [_Does so._

* * * * *

DYNAMITICAL ARGUMENTS.--The Apostles of "the Gospel of Dynamite" would, if they could, speedily convert a whole town--into a ruin.

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* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

With a spice of _Tristram Shandy_, a dash of _Ferdinand Count Fathom_, and none the worse for the quaint flavouring thus given to the style and manner of the romance, _The Blue Pavilions_ by "Q." is about as good a tale of rapid dramatic and exciting adventure as the Baron remembers to have read,--for some time at least. There is in it little enough of love, though that little is well and prettily told, but there is no lack of fighting at long odds and at short intervals, of hairbreadth escapes, and of such chances by land and sea as keep the reader, all agog, hurrying on from point to point, anxious to see what is to happen next, and how the expected is to eventuate unexpectedly. The story is for the most part told in a humorous devil-may-care-believe-it-or-not-as-you-like sort of way which compels attention, occasionally raises a smile, and always excites curiosity. As a one-barrel novel, this ought to score a gold right in the centre.

The writer of a little leader in the _Daily News_ of last Wednesday seems to have been rather hard-up for a subject when he fell foul of the Messrs. MACMILLAN's cheap re-issue of _A Jest-Book_, compiled many years ago by _Mr. Punch's_ MARK LEMON, "Uncle MARK," who brought the ancient _Joe Miller_ up to that particular date. It was the last of the jest-books, and they are now quite out of fashion. A quarter of a century hence, no doubt, the fortunate possessor of one of these little books will come out with many a new jest, and be esteemed quite an original wit.

It would have been well for the writer of the above-mentioned leaderette had he referred to the ninth of ELIA's _Popular Fallacies_, and been thereby reminded how "a pun is a pistol let off at the ear; and not a feather to tickle the intellect." The Baron is prepared to admit that the lesson to be learned from this delightful Essay of CHARLES LAMB's is, that a pun once let off, has fizzled off, and cannot be repeated with its first effect. Now the honest historian of this, or of any pun, must reproduce in his narrative all the circumstances of time, place, and individuality that gave it its point; but the effect of the pun, the Baron ventures to think, it is impossible to convey in print to the reader, read he never so wisely, nor however vividly graphic may be the description. Yet if this same reader possesses the art of reading aloud, with some approach to the dramatic Dickensian manner, then, given an appreciative audience, it is probable that the pun itself would not lose much in recital. At best, however, the crispness of the original salt is impaired, though the flavour is not lost by keeping, and the enjoyment of it must depend on the new seasoning provided by the reciter. Of course, its piquancy may have been staled by too frequent use--but "this is another story." After all, is a jest-book meant to be taken seriously? A question which "_nous donne à penser_," quoth

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

FOGGED!

Blest if I know where I am in this murkiness made to benight us, Blest if I know what it means, this infernal Impressionist etching;

Surely some WHISTLER renowned in the gibbering realms of Cocytus Drew it--and draws us along through its avenues ghostlily stretching.

Lights flicker out in the gloom, like diminutive goblins that beckon; Onward we stagger and gasp in the grip of this emanence deadly:

How I would curse if I could, but not RABELAIS even I reckon Language could find, or a voice if he wished for the sulphurous medley.

Blest if I know who you are, wicked giant, colossal above me, Pluto perchance or, that fell spirit-ferryman, Charon uprising!

Blest if I know if survives in this demon-land anything of me, Blest!--It's a lamp-post, by George--a reality somewhat surprising!

London, how long shall thy sons rue this Angel of Death with his grim bow, Suffer this nightmare to last by its pestilence mangled and throttled?

Would magic Science could scare the black vista to luridest Limbo, Would that fresh breezes were tinned and the sunshine of Italy bottled!!

* * * * *

* * * * *

THEFT _V._ THRIFT.

["The Economic Man, whose sole motive was selfishness, was created by ADAM SMITH."--_Daily News_.]

A century's gone, and still wiseacres plan A future for the Economic Man; But one fatality strikes us as comical,-- That--up to now--he is not _economical_! The soulless thing whose motor sole is Self, Squanders, as well as snatches, sordid pelf. Perhaps if he could use as well as steal, The common wealth might prove the common weal.

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S NEW-YEAR HONOURS, GIFTS, GOOD WISHES, AND GREETINGS.

(_CONFERRED BY HIM, WITHOUT_ "_OFFICIAL NOTIFICATION_.")

_To Her Most Gracious Majesty_.--The Queendom of his heart.

_To the Duke of Clarence, and the Princess May_.--A Bridal Quick March.

_To Prince George of Wales_.--A Clean Bill of Health.

_To Prince Christian_.--"Eyes right!"

_To Mr. Gladstone_.--Freedom _from_ the City, its fogs, and politics.

_To the Duke of Devonshire_.--A Peerage, and the right successor in Rossendale.

_To Mr. Chamberlain_.--His Cartoon for the week.

_To Mr. Balfour_.--An Irish "Order."

_To Lord Randolph Churchill_.--"Something new _out of_ Africa."

_To the Peerage_.--General Sir FREDERICK ROBERTS. (The greatest "honour" of the lot, by Jove!)

_To Henry Irving_.--"A Health to the King" (HARRY THE EIGHTH), and any number of Nights' (run).

_To Johnny Toole_.--Rapid recovery, and "another kind love" from _Toole-le-Monde_!

_To Mr. Punch's Young Men_.--Privy Councillorships (to the Public) all round.

_To Everybody_.--A Happy New Volume!

* * * * *

A QUESTION OF PRECEDENCE, BUT NOT A PRECEDENT.--It is a gracious act on the part of a Cabman, when, at a dinner-party, he gives the _pas_ to an Omnibus-driver, at the same time courteously explaining this waiver of rights by saying that "at the present moment he is not standing on his rank."

* * * * *

"THE COMPLEMENTS OF THE SEASON."--Christmas Boxes.

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* * * * *

ONLY FANCY!

In continuation of his interesting notes of incidents connected with the gathering of Ministers for the last Cabinet Council, Our Special Reporter states that the only _contretemps_ arose in connection with the arrival of Mr. GOSCHEN. On alighting from his _coupé_ the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER handed the driver a dirty crumpled piece of paper.

"Hi! wot's this?" shouted the Cabman.

"A one-pound note," said the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, blandly; "give me the change."

"Oh, no you don't," said the Cabman; "you try that on in the City, young feller. This is too far West."

Mr. GOSCHEN, evidently annoyed, carefully selected a worn-out shilling, and tossing it to the man, stalked haughtily into the Treasury. A moment later he hurriedly opened the door and looked out for the Cabman, but he had gone. It was understood, Our Reporter says, that the Right Hon. Gentleman had thought of a repartee.

* * * * *

The Morning Papers announce, with tantalising brevity, that "Lord STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL has (_sic_) returned to Bruton Street from Berlin." We are in a position to add that the occasion of the noble Lords' journey to Berlin was of international interest. It is no secret at the Foreign Office that their Lordships have for some time been uneasy at the turn events are taking in the East. They have endeavoured to disguise from each other their perturbed feelings. But STRATHEDEN felt that CAMPBELL's eye was upon him, whilst CAMPBELL at last abandoned the futile effort of dissembling his uneasiness under the cold steel-grey glance of STRATHEDEN. They finally agreed that the best thing they could do was to set forth for Berlin, making secret _détours_ in order to call at other of the principal capitals, and confer with the Foreign Ministers. The result, we are pleased to learn, has been most beneficial, and has, so to speak, contributed a hodful of mortar to the foundation on which rests the peace of Europe.

* * * * *

Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM is disposed to regard HOMER as over-rated. The only book of his she ever read, she says, is _Bombastical Furioso_, and certainly that did not assuage her appetite for any more.

* * * * *

Mr. STEAD has been taking into his confidence a universe thrilled with interest, with respect to certain presentiments which from time to time have struck his mind. One he dates in October, 1883, at which time he was sub-editor of an evening journal which Mr. JOHN MORLEY then edited. He had, he records, a presentiment that at an early approaching date, Mr. MORLEY would have quitted the establishment--dead Mr. STEAD genially anticipated--and that he would reign in Stead. In view of the public interest involved in these confessions, we have interviewed a certain Right Hon. Gentleman as to his susceptibility to presentiments.

"Well," he replied, "they are not usual with me; but I remember that for some time before the date mentioned, I felt that either Mr. STEAD or I must leave the paper."

* * * * *

One of the earliest volumes issued in connection with the newly-devised Automatic Library in use on some lines of Railway, is entitled _Beyond Escape_. We understand that subsequent volumes will be _Dashed to Pieces_, _The Broken Bridge_, _The Sprained Axle_, _The Wheelbox on Fire_, _The Gordon Guard_, _The Cruel Cowcatcher; or, Cut in Twain_, _The Colour-Blind Signalman_, and _Shunted and Shattered_.

* * * * *

CROSSED-EXAMINATION.

OLD STYLE.--_Nervous Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side._

_Counsel_ (_sharply_). Now, Sir, do you know the value of an oath?

_Witness_ (_taken aback_). Why, yes--of course.

_Coun._ (_pointing at him_). Come, no prevarication! Do you understand the value, or do you not?

_Wit._ (_confused_). If you will allow me to explain--?

_Coun._ Come, Sir, you surely can answer Yes or No--now which is it?

_Wit._ But you will not let me explain--

_Coun._ Don't be impertinent, Sir! Explanation is unneeded. Mind, you have been sworn, so if you _don't_ know the value of an oath, it will be the worse for you.

_Wit._ But you won't let me speak.