Chapter 3

_Miss T._ Well, I do just enjoy making PRENDERGAST girl perfectly wild, and that's a fact. (_Reflectively._) And it's queer, but I like her ever so much all the time. Don't _you_ think that's too fonny of me, Mr. CULCHARD, now?

[_CULCHARD feigns a poetic abstraction._

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ONLY FANCY!

We are supplied by our special reporter with some interesting and significant facts in connection with the last Cabinet Council. Lord SALISBUY arrived early, walking over from the Foreign Office under cover of an umbrella. The fact that it was raining may only partly account for this manoeuvre. Lord CROSS arrived in a four-wheeled cab and wore his spectacles. Lord KNUTSFORD approached the Treasury walking on the left hand side of the road going westward, whilst Lord CRANBROOK deliberately chose the pavement on the other side of the way. This is regarded as indicating a coolness between the Colonial Office and the Council of Education. Lord HALSBURY alighted from a bus at the bottom of Downing Street, accomplishing the rest of the journey on foot. He wore a new suit of the latest fashionable cut and a smile. Mr. STANHOPE, approaching Downing Street from the steps, started violently when he caught sight of a figure on the steps of the Treasury fumbling with the door-handle. He thought it was "VETUS," but recognising the Home Secretary, advanced without further hesitation. Lord GEORGE HAMILTON walked arm-in-arm as far as the door with Sir M. HICKS-BEACH. Here they were observed to hastily relieve themselves from contiguity and enter in single file. As they had up to that moment been engaged in earnest conversation, this little incident caused a sensation among the crowd looking on. The new Chief Secretary was easily recognised as he descended from his hansom with a sprig of shamrock in his coat and another of shillelagh in his right hand. Whilst waiting for change out of eighteenpence he softly whistled "_God Save Ireland_." Mr. RITCHIE did not appear, pleading influenza. Our reporter informs us that there is more behind, and that before the Session is far advanced a change may be looked for at the Local Government Board.

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A TRIAL IN NOVEL FORM.

SCENE--_The Interior of Court during a sensational trial. Bench, Bar, and Jury in a state of wild excitement as to what will happen next._

_Judge_ (_mysteriously handing note to Bar engaged in the case_). I have received this letter, which is deeply interesting. It will form appropriately what I may call our Third Volume. I hand it to Counsel, but they must keep it entirely to themselves.

_First Leader_ (_after perusal of document_). Did you ever?

_Second Leader_ (_ditto_). No I never!

_Judge_ (_greatly gratified_). I thought I would surprise you! Yes, it came this afternoon, and I found it too startling to keep all to myself, so I have revealed the secret, on the condition you tell no one else.

_First Lead._ You may rely on the discretion of my learned friend, my Lord.

_Second Lead._ My Lord, on the discretion of my learned friend you may rely.

_Judge_. Thank you (_dipping his pen in the ink_), and now we will go on with the case.

[_A Witness is called--he hides his face under a cloak._

_First Leader_ (_in examination-in-chief_). I think you wish to preserve your incognito?

_Wit._ (_in sepulchral tones_). I do. But if his Lordship desires it, I will write my name on a piece of paper and pass it up.

_Judge_. Well, certainly, I think I ought to know everything, and-- (_Receives piece of paper disclosing the information, and starts back in his chair astonished_). Dear me! Good gracious! Dear me!

_First Lead._ I think I should mention that I have not the faintest idea who this witness is, and only call him, acting under instructions. (_To Witness._) Do you know anything about the matter in dispute?

_Witness_ (_with a sepulchral laugh_). Ha! ha! ha! Nothing. Your question is indeed a good joke. Nothing, I repeat, absolutely nothing!

_First Lead._ (_annoyed_). Then you can sit down.

_Second Lead._ (_sharply_). Pardon me--not quite so fast! You say you know nothing about the matter in dispute, and yet you come here!

_Witness_ (_in a deeper voice than ever_). Exactly.

_Second Lead._ But why, my dear Sir--Why? What is the point of it? Who may you be?

_Witness_. It is not _may_ be--but who I am!

_Second Lead._ Well, tell us who you are. (_Persuasively._) Come, who are you?

_Witness_ (_throwing off his disguise_). Who am I? Why, HAWKSHAW the Detective!

_Counsel Generally_ (_to Judge_). Then, my Lord, under the altered circumstances of the case, we can appear no longer before you. (_With deep and touching emotion._) We retire from the case!

_Judge_ (_not very appropriately_). Then if _Box and Cox_ are satisfied, all I can say is that I am. I may add that I consider that the case has been conducted nobly, and that I knew how it would end from the very first. I am thoroughly satisfied.

_Jury_. And so are we, my Lord--never so interested in our lives!

_Newspaper Editor_ (_departing_). Ah, if we only had a trial like this every day, we should require but one line on the Contents Bill! (_Curtain._)

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THE SAFEST NEW YEAR RESOLVE.--To make none.

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NOTICE--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.