Chapter 2

_House of Commons, Monday, February 15._--A lively sitting, with an unexpected ending. Debate on Address resumed by SEXTON in excellent speech, an effect largely contributed to by comparative brevity. Only an hour long; remarkable compression. Would have been better still had it been reduced by the twenty minutes occupied in preliminary observations. At twenty-five minutes past four he rose to move Amendment condemnatory of Land Purchase Act of last year. Precisely at a quarter to five came to his amendment, and began to recommend it to House. But mustn't complain. An excellent beginning for new Session that may further develop.

"An oratorical eel," SAUNDERSON, later in sitting, likened Member for West Belfast to; charming simile, with just that mixture of graphicness and incongruity that only Irish wit could flash upon. Not meant to be uncomplimentary, for SAUNDERSON, like the rest, acknowledges capacity of SEXTON in debate; his clear insight, his capacity for grasping a subject, his aptness of illustration, his quickness of retort, and, alack! the embarrassment of the wealth of language. If he could only economise that, and guard against the fatal fluency that besets him, converting what might be a sharp direct speech of twenty minutes into a windy weariness of hour-and-a-half or two hours, he would take high rank among Parliamentary debaters.

DIZZY once said the occasions when a man addressing House of Commons need exceed twenty minutes, come to him only twice or thrice in a lifetime. He did more than preach; he carried into practice his own principle with success. Very rarely in later years, even when Leader of House of Commons, did he exceed twenty minutes, and all his most successful interpositions in debate were on that plan. When, occasionally, he felt that circumstances demanded a long and laboured address, his labour was in vain.

Capital speech, too, of quite another kind, from DUNBAR BARTON. Most promising maiden speech delivered in present Parliament; of good omen that best parts were not those prepared in leisure of study, put the earlier passages evoked by preceding debate, and necessarily impromptu. As for SAUNDERSON, he was in his best form.

"SAUNDERSON," said the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, recognising a kindred spirit, "always reminds me of those Lifeguardsmen you see at the Military Festival, riding round Agricultural Hall slashing off heads. The heads are dummies, and no harm is done; but it's a pretty sight."

The Colonel rides well, and is a skilful swordsman.

Delight of audience crowding in after dinner completed by TIM HEALY dashing in with intent to trip up Colonel. Domestic difficulties in the Party have not smoothed down TIM's natural truculence. With JOHN REDMOND sitting behind him and SAUNDERSON in front, a porcupine in fretful mood is a ball of spun silk compared with TIM.

After this RADCLIFFE COOKE and collapse, with the prospect of proceedings droning on till midnight, then adjournment, and begin again to-morrow. Suddenly, on stroke of twelve, Closure moved. House completely taken aback. Whilst it sat gasping under shock SPEAKER declared Closure carried; bells rang through all the corridors; Members trooped in to find Division imminent. When figures declared, showing Government had been surprised into narrow majority of 21, fresh wave of excitement welled forth, amid which Address was, somehow, agreed to. Members went off into snowstorm, cheering and laughing as if there had never before been such larks.

_Business done_.--Address agreed to.

_Tuesday Night_.--GRANDOLPH turned up to-day; took his familiar corner seat; tugged at his old moustache; caressed his new beard, and listened to SEALE HAYNE recklessly attacking the sacred institution of Justiciary of the Peace.

"Nothing changed, TOBY, dear boy," he said; "not even the Ministry. When I came back from Mashonaland I was told we were on the eve of political earthquake. The House of Commons was to be transformed into a cockpit; the Benches steepled in the gore of an iniquitous Ministry. But, except for some vacant places and some further advancement of privates in the little band I once officered, it's all the same, only a little drearier. The same throng in the Lobby, the same rows of Members sitting on the Benches, the same Mace on the Table, the same stately figure in the Chair, and the same Sergeants-at-Arms relieving guard at the Cross Benches. There are not quite the same two Irish Leaders, for BRER FOX has 'gone away.' BRER RABBIT I see sitting over there with his kindly face and his friendly smile, perhaps the only Irishman in the House who, if a coat were trailed before him, would turn away from temptation. It's only Irishmen, with their inexhaustible fund of humour, who would have put JUSTIN MCCARTHY in his present place. Doesn't much matter so long as TIM HEALY's around. I'll bet my gold mine at Mashonaland against the Kennel, Barks, that TIM will make up the average of fighting even when BRER RABBIT in the scale."

There's one thing changed GRANDOLPH did not allude to; perhaps unconscious of it. 'Tis his own appearance. In addition to the beard, he has put on ruddy tint that speaks well for Mashonaland as a health resort compared with Westminster. Amongst the pale-faced legislators his visage shines like the morning sun. "Quite a Colonial look about him," says ALGERNON BORTHWICK, fretfully. "But, after a few dinners at the Amphitryon and a few nights at the House and elsewhere, he'll get over it."

Members from all parts crowd round GRANDOLPH to shake the horny hand of the intrepid explorer, the dauntless lion _dompter_. A cold air whistles along the row of Ministers as he sits behind.

"What's he up to?" JOKIM hoarsely whispered, all his native gaiety eclipsed.

"Come down, I suppose," said Prince ARTHUR, smiling, "to congratulate us on our great victory last night, whereby we escaped defeat in Debate on Address by triumphant majority of 21."

"Quite a stormy petrel don't you think?" JOKIM said, nervously rubbing his hands.

"Not exactly," said Prince ARTHUR; "that usually comes before the storm you know. If you must be personal and ornithological, I should say GRANDOLPH's appearance on the scene is more reminiscent of the vulture; a little hasty in his appearance perhaps, but that is none the less significant."

_Business done._--Practically none, and so home to dinner at twenty minutes to eight.

_Thursday Night._--Prince ARTHUR explained provisions of long-looked-for Local Government scheme. A remarkable, unexampled, scene. House crowded on every Bench, with Duke of DEVONSHIRE looking down from Peers' Gallery, thanking Heaven he is out of it. Prince ARTHUR's manner in introducing the measure in keeping with the strange surroundings. Might reasonably have been expected that he would have been at pains to recommend the Bill to acceptance of House. Not a bit of it. If people insisted upon regarding it as the most important business of Session, Prince ARTHUR couldn't help it. But he certainly would not foster the delusion. In its potentiality of beneficent effect, the Bill nothing in comparison with the Coercion Act or the Light Railways Act.

"A poor thing," he said, in effect, and did not add, "but mine own."

If it was not his, certainly no one else would own it. Irish Members received it with jeers. JOHN MORLEY denounced it as a monstrous imposture. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD benignantly affected to regard it as a little joke with which Ministers designed to vary a dull Session. But a joke may be carried too far; better drop this now, and go to business.

Oddly enough, the storm of contumely had effect of inspiring Prince ARTHUR with new affection for his unwelcomed offspring, adding to the strength of his evidently new conviction that the proposed expedient was sound, and, if accepted, would prove efficacious.

"And what do _you_ think of the Tory scheme of Home Rule," I asked JUSTIN MCCARTHY, when it was all over.

"_Timeo Danaos, et dona ferentes_," he said, dropping into his native Celtic speech. "But in this case there is no room for apprehension. BALFOUR may leave this wooden horse outside the gates for a month, and the Trojans wouldn't touch it with a pair of tongs."

Prince ARTHUR grew more confident as the clouds gathered.

"I see very well," he said, "if I'm to stable this horse in the Home Rule Troy, I must drag it all the way myself. I shall get no help from either section of the garrison. But it's got to be done, and I'll buckle-to. Once through, it will settle the more than ten years' siege."

_Business done._--Prince ARTHUR left tugging away at his wooden horse.

_Friday Night._--House of Lords almost deserted. HALSBURY punctual in his place, making most of opportunities on Woolsack whilst they yet remain.

"Here to-day and gone to-morrow, TOBY," he remarked, with forced gaiety; "but, when I hand in the Seals of Office, I shall at least have the serene assurance to cheer me in my retirement that the whole of my family, including collateral branches, have been provided for."

Amongst the prevailing dolour, the MARKISS in high spirits.

"Things not looking well in the Commons or the country, I admit," he says; "but all is not lost yet. I have still a card to play, and I believe it will score the trick. We shall presently have to go to the country, and fight a confident Opposition. Successful Foreign Policy is played out. Free Education has brought us no support; trifling with Home Rule in Ireland will bring us enemies. Am convinced that the thing to go to the country on is the fog. MIDDLETON's our man. Been thinking over it for a week. See it now; shall take up question of London fog; devise some means of battling with it; and then let the worst come. A Government that has fought the fog will at least carry London, and, London ours, we shall be able to stem the tide of anarchy."

_Business done_.--The MARKISS takes a great resolution.

* * * * *

* * * * *

PADDYWHACK AND DR. BIRCH.--Everyone knows what "the Assisted Education (Ireland) Bill" is. Why should not an Assisted Education (England) Bill be brought in to enable public school-boys to secure, without payment of any additional fee beyond that included for "swishing" in the Bill sent home to the parents, the specimen of the legal instrument with which their education may have been most helpfully assisted?

* * * * *

"BECKY THE SECOND."--Those comparatively few who answered our query as to where "the good _Becky_, the very opposite of _Becky_ in _Vanity Fair_, was to be found in THACKERAY's works," and have referred us to _A Shabby Genteel Story_, are right. The many who hit upon _Rebecca_ in the burlesque of _Ivanhoe_ mistook the question.

* * * * *

A CORRESPONDENT, signing himself "IGNORAMUS," writes to inquire "The address of a Society called 'The London French Polishers.'" He says, "I want my French polished up a bit before going to Paris."

* * * * *

"VIVE LA LIBERTÉ!"

The _Era_ at one time used to enjoy a monopoly of strangely, but purely professionally-worded advertisements; but now the _Daily Telegraph_ is creeping up and commencing to occupy the _Era's_ special domain. One day last week in the _D.T._ the following notice appeared:--"Mr. CHARLES SUGDEN at liberty.--Address, &c." "At Liberty!" How will this sound to the uninitiated millions? Taking for granted that the readers, whose name is Legion, know perfectly well who and what Mr. CHARLES SUGDEN is, having a lively recollection of this talented actor as among the best representatives of bad characters (excepting perhaps that of _William of Orange_, which was Mr. SUGDEN's _chef d'oeuvre_, and about whose character there are strong differences of opinion), will they not unnaturally be led to inquire how, why, when and wherefore Mr. SUGDEN ever came to be deprived of his liberty, and under what circumstances he has been restored to it, or it to him? "At Liberty!" It has a grand and glorious sound! This distinguished Thespian was never an "hereditary bondsman," then why not always "at liberty"? But, be this as it may, once more "the Rover is free!" SUGDEN is a name honourable behind and before the foot-lights. In the Courts of Law it is a Legal Light, and among Gas Companies the Sugden Burner is, we believe, justly famous. Whatever the announcement may or may not mean, all sons of Liberty will rejoice that this eccentric comedian is once more free, and on the stage he will be again most welcome.

* * * * *

"Are you staying in town?" "No," answered Mrs. R.; "I'm going _au contraire_." Which, she subsequently explained, was French for going into the country.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ON RELIGIOUS CYMBALISM.

The Salvationist Bands which perform in and out of London--(would that they were restricted as the Moore and Burgess Minstrels restrict themselves to one hall, never or "hardly ever," performing out of London!)--everywhere and anywhere without respecting illness, or the hours of public worship in our Churches and Chapels, or the necessities of repose, show thereby a distinct want of that consideration for the feelings of their fellow-citizens which simple Christian folk call Charity. These Booth performers--which designation savours suggestively of Mountebanks--would do well to play their peculiar music and sing their peculiar hymns within the four walls of their own places of worship, employing the intervals essential for gaining of wind and for rest of muscle in meditating, perhaps breathlessly, on the inspired Pauline teaching which will inform them that even the works of an Apostle, if he have not charity, will be as "sounding brass and tinkling cymbals," making indeed a great noise in the world, but as one WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE has said, being mere "sound and fury signifying nothing." "Liberty of Worship" by all means, but not such Liberty for any one particular form of worship which, interfering with the freedom of others, speedily degenerates into fanatical licence, and so becomes a nuisance as intolerant as it is intolerable.

* * * * *

ANGLO-AMERICAN FRENCH.--A new word must be added to our French dictionaries. In _Le Figaro_ for Feb. 15, in an article on HECTOR MALOT, occurs this expression, "_en ce temps de puffisme littéraire_." In English we have had the word and the thing too, since the time of SHERIDAN's _Critic_, but is any student of French journalism familiar with it in the Parisian newspapers?

* * * * *

THE FANCY BALL.

You came as GRETCHEN, hair of gold And face so exquisitely sweet, That I, like FAUST, had _certes_ sold Myself, to win you, MARGUERITE. Each plait enmeshed my struggling heart, That wildly beat against my will; And though at last we had to part, In Dreamland I could see you still.

Another night, with tresses dark, And kirtle strewn with _fleurs-de-lys_, You came a flashing JOAN OF ARC, Destructive of my bosom's peace. The sword was girt upon your hip, And thine the Maid's heroic glance; I seemed to hear upon your lip, The watchword of her life, "For France!"

Anon I saw thee as the Queen Who held so many hearts in fee; But MARY STUART scarce had been, Methinks, so beautiful as thee. I fain had gone and splintered lance, As in the old days in our realm; To win a kind approving glance, And wear your glove upon my helm.

What, stately EDITH! Lives there yet The lady of that royal line, The peerless proud Plantagenet, Will KENNETH's great emprise be mine? We saw how high his hopes could soar; We know the guerdon that he won. Shall I find favour, as of yore Did DAVID, Earl of Huntingdon?

'Tis certain, in whatever guise You come, as heroine of song Or story, to my faithful eyes You shine the fairest of the throng. However fanciful you be, Whatever fancy dress befalls; My fancy paints you fancy-free, To fancy me at Fancy Balls!

* * * * *

THE REAL NINE POINTS OF THE LAW.--Costs.

* * * * *

THE UNOBSERVED OF ONE "OBSERVER."

From the account given by "OBSERVER" in the _Times_, it might be inferred that "HARCOURT! HARCOURT!" was shouted all over the House, in the lobbies, through the smoking-room, in the library, through the cellars, in fact, everywhere within the sacred precincts, on one memorable night, while at that very moment the wily Sir WILLIAM, tucked comfortably up in his little bed, was murmuring softly to himself, "HARCOURT! indeed! '_Ha! not caught_,' more likely!" and so sweetly fell asleep.

* * * * *

MRS. R. read aloud from the latest Report of "B. and F. Bible Society," "One cannot help thinking of the glorious field of labour which lies open here before the Colporteur, and of the pleasant way in which his labours are appreciated by all." But the worthy lady pronounced colporteur as coalporter, and so on hearing from a friend that "the Coalporters were on strike," Mrs. R. could not help exclaiming, "Dear! how ungrateful of them, when they were being 'so much appreciated by all!'"

* * * * *

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

In _Tess of the D'Urbevilles_ (published by Messrs. OSGOOD, MCILVAINE & CO.), Mr. THOMAS HARDY has given us a striking work of fiction, bold in design, and elaborate in finish. The characters, with one exception, are as true to life as are his graphic descriptions of nature's own scenery; true that is to the types of such rural life as he professes to represent,--the life led in our Christian country by thousands and thousands of genuine Pagans, superstitious Boeotians, with whom the schoolmaster can do but little, and the parson still less. As to the clergymen who appear in this story, two of them are priggishly academic, a third is a comfortable antiquarian, and the fourth unacquainted with even the A.B.C. of his own pastoral theology.

Since THACKERAY's _Captain Costigan_, and TOM ROBERTSON's dramatic variation of him as _Eccles_ in _Caste_, no more original type of the besotted, no-working working-man, has been given us ("at least, as far as I am aware," interpolates the Baron, with a possible reservation) than _Tess's_ father, _Durbeyfield_. His foolish wife, _Joan_, kindly in a way, a fair housewife and helpmate, yet deficient in moral sense, is another admirably-drawn character.

The only blot on this otherwise excellent work is the absurdly melodramatic character of that "villain of the deepest dye," _Alec D'Urbeville_, who would be thoroughly in his element in an Adelphi Drama of the most approved type, ancient or modern. He is just the sort of stage-scoundrel who from time to time seeks to take some mean advantage of a heroine in distress, on which occasions said heroine (of Adelphi Drama) will request him to "unhand her," or to "stand aside and let her pass;" whereupon the dastardly ruffian retaliates with a diabolical sneer of fiendish malice, his eyes ablaze with passion, as, making his melodramatic exit at the O.P. wing, he growls, "Aha! a day will come!" or "She must and shall be mine!" or, if not making his exit, but remaining in centre of stage to assist in forming a picture, he exclaims, with fiendish glee, "Now, pretty one, you are in my power!" and so forth. 'Tis a great pity that such a penny-plain-and-two-pence-coloured scoundrel should have been allowed so strong a part among Mr. HARDY's excellent and unconventional _dramatis personæ_. Even the very, very strong ejaculations wherein this bold bad man indulges on the slightest provocation belong to the most antiquated vocabulary of theatrical ruffianism. However, there he is, and all the perfumes of the Vale of Blackmoor will not suffice for dispelling the strong odour of the footlights which pervades every scene where this unconscionable scoundrel makes his appearance. That he is ultimately disposed of by being stuck to the heart with the carving-knife that had been brought in for cold-beef slicing at breakfast, is some satisfaction. But far be it from the Baron to give more than this hint in anticipation of the tragic _dénoûment_. Some might accuse Mr. THOMAS HARDY of foolhardiness in so boldly telling ugly truths about the Pagan Phyllises and Corydons of our dear old Christian England; but we, his readers, have the author's word for the truth of what he has written, as "the fortunes of _Tess of the D'Urbevilles, a Pure Woman_," are "faithfully presented," by THOMAS HARDY, and so his honour is pledged to the truth of this story which his powers of narration have made so fascinating to a host of readers besides the one who is a host in himself, namely,

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

* * * * *

JUSTICE FOR JUSTICE!

SCENE--_A Court of Justice. Prisoner, a young man of eighteen, in the dock, weeping bitterly. His Uncle stands before him, and occasionally offers him smelling salts. General commiseration amongst the spectators, many of whom are ladies armed with opera-glasses. Police Constable under cross-examination._

_Counsel for the Defence._ And so, Constable, you had actually the heart to read the warrant to the Prisoner?

_Witness._ I did, Sir, in the execution of my duty.

_Coun. for the Def._ (_scornfully_). Duty! and to this he said nothing?

_Wit._ (_in a low tone_). Nothing, Sir--nothing!

_Coun. for the Def._ And I am not surprised! He might well say nothing to such an announcement! HE, a Gentleman by birth--education--everything--to be accused of forgery! It is _too_ cruel!

_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_courteously but firmly_). I do not wish to control the management of your case, Mr. MCSLANGER, but the time for you to address the Jury has not yet arrived.

_Coun. for Def._ (_submissive but sulky_). As your Lordship pleases.

[_Resumes his seat._

_Usher_ (_calling_). Admiral CUTTERMAN!

_Admiral_ (_in a low tone_). Here!

[_He leaves the Prisoner, first handing him the smelling salts, and enters the Witness Box._

_Council for the Prosecution_ (_after the Witness has been sworn_). I think you are here on subpoena served by the Treasury.

_Witness_ (_with a glance of sadness at the Dock_). Had I not been summoned to be present by those in authority, not the entreaties of magicians would have brought me here!

_Coun. for the Pros._ I take it you are an unwilling Witness?

_Witness_ (_with difficulty suppressing acute emotion_). A most, a very most unwilling Witness!

_Coun. for the Def._ (_scornfully_). Unwilling!

_Coun. for the Pros._ (_in a tone of remonstrance_). I really must beg my learned friend to refrain from disturbing the proceedings. These constant interruptions are most annoying.

_Coun. for the Def._ (_with force and violence_). I cannot sufficiently express my indignation--

_Mr. Justice Punch_ (_sharply_). Then do not make the attempt.

_Coun. for the Def._ (_surlily_). As your Lordship pleases. [_Subsides._