Chapter 1

_REIMS--SOLEMNITY--RELIEF--EN VOITURE--POLITENESS--CALLING--CALVES--CAVES--STARTING--COCHER--DUET._

Seen the Cathedral. Grand. As I am not making notes for a Guide-book, shall say nothing about it. "Don't mention it." I shan't. Much struck by the calm air of repose about Reims. So silent is it, that DAUBINET's irrepressible singing in the solemn court-yard of the Hotel comes quite as a relief. It is an evidence of life. This Hotel's exceptional quietude suggests the idea of its being conducted like a prison on the silent system, with, of course, dumbwaiters to assist in the peculiarly clean and tidy _salle à manger_.

"Petzikoff! Blass the Prince of WAILES!" sings out DAUBINET, whose _Mark-Tapley_-like spirits would probably be only exhilarated by a lonely night in the Catacombs. Then he shakes hands with me violently. In France he insists upon shaking hands on every possible occasion with anybody, in order to convey to his own countrymen the idea of what a thorough Briton he is.

"_Vous avez eu votre café? Eh bien alors--allons! pour passer chez mon ami_ VESQUIER," says DAUBINET, at the same time signalling a meandering fly-driver who, having pulled up near the Cathedral, is sitting lazily on his box perusing a newspaper. He looks up, catches sight of DAUBINET, nods, folds up the paper, sits on it, gives the reins one shake to wake up the horse, and another, with a crack of his whip, to set the sleepy animal in motion, and, the animal being partially roused, he drives across the street to us. DAUBINET directs him, and on we go, lumbering and rattling through the town, meeting only one other _voiture_, whose driver appears infinitely amused at his friend having obtained a fare. Some chaff passes between them, which to me is unintelligible, and which DAUBINET professes not to catch, but I fancy, whatever it is, it is not highly complimentary to our _cocher's_ fares. In one quarter through which we drive, they are setting up the booths and roundabouts for a Fair.

"They can't do much business here," I observe to my companion.

"Immense!" he replies.--"But there's no one about."

"There will be," he returns. "Manufacturing town--everybody engaged in business. Bell rings--_Caramba!_--out they come, like the cigarette-makers in _Carmen_." Here he hums a short musical extract from BIZET's Opera, then resumes--"Town's all alive--then, after dinner, back to business--evening time out to play, to _cafés_, to the Fair! God save the QUEEN!"

"But there's nothing doing at night, as we saw when we arrived yesterday," I observe.

"No," says DAUBINET; "it is an early place." Then he sings, "If you're waking"--he pronounces it "whacking"--"call me early, mothair dear!" finishing up with a gay laugh, and a guttural ejaculation in Russian; at least, I fancy it is Russian. "Ah! _voilà!_" We have pulled up before a very clean-looking and handsome _façade_. The carriage-gates are closed, but a side-door is immediately opened, and a neat elderly woman answers DAUBINET's inquiries to his perfect satisfaction. "VESQUIER _est chez lui. Entrez donc!_" We enter, profoundly saluting the porteress. When abroad, an Englishman should never omit the smallest chance of taking off his hat and bowing profoundly, no matter to whom it may be. Every Englishman abroad represents "All England"--not the eleven, but the English character generally, and therefore, when among people noted for their politeness, he should be absolutely remarkable for his courteous manners. As a rule, to which there can be no exception taken, never lose any opportunity of lifting your hat, and making your most polished bow. This, in default of linguistic facility, is universally understood and appreciated in all civilised countries. In uncivilised countries, to remove your hat, or to bow, may be taken as a gross outrage on good manners, or as signifying some horrible immorality, in which case the offender would not have the chance of repeating his well-intentioned mistake. But within the limits of Western enlightenment to bow is mere civility, and may be taken as a preface to conversation; to omit it is to show lack of breeding and to court hostility. Therefore, N.B. _Rule in travelling_--Bow to everybody. And this, by the way, is, after all, only _Sir Pertinax Macsycophant's_ receipt for getting on in the world by "boo'ing and boo'ing."

We pass through a courtyard, reminding me of the kind of courtyard still to be seen in some of our old London City houses-of-business. This, however, is modernised with whitewash. Here also, it being a Continental court-yard, are the inevitable orange-trees in huge green tubs placed at the four corners. A few pigeons feeding, a blinking cat curled up on a mat, pretending to take no sort of interest in the birds, and a little child playing with a cart. Such is this picture. Externally, not much like a house of business; but it is, and of big business too. We enter a cool and tastefully furnished apartment. Here M. VESQUIER receives us cordially. He has a military bearing, suggesting the idea of a Colonel _en retraite_. I am preparing compliments and interrogatories in French, when he says, in good plain English, with scarcely an accent--

"Now DAUBINET has brought you here, we must show you the calves, and then back to breakfast. Will that suit you?"

"Perfectly." I think to myself--why "calves"? It sounded like "calves," only without the "S." Must ask presently.

M. VESQUIER begs to be excused for a minute; he will return directly. I look to DAUBINET for an explanation. "We are, then, going to see a farm, I presume?" I say to him. "Farm!" exclaims DAUBINET, surprised. "_Que voulez-vous dire, mon cher?_"--"Well, didn't Mister--Mister--" "VESQUIER," suggests DAUBINET.

"Yes, Mister VESQUIER--didn't he say we were to go and 'see the calves'?--_C'est à dire_," I translate, in despair at DAUBINET's utterly puzzled look, "_que nous irons avec lui à la ferme pour voir les veaux_--the calves."--"Ha! ha! ha!" Off goes DAUBINET into a roar. Evidently I've made some extraordinary mistake. It flashes across me suddenly. Owing to M. VESQUIER's speaking such excellent English, it never occurred to me that he had suddenly interpolated the French word "_caves_" as an anglicised French word into his speech to me. This accounts for his suppression of the final consonant.

"Ah!" I exclaim, suddenly enlightened; "I see--the cellars."

"_Pou ni my?_" cries DAUBINET, still in ecstasies, and speaking Russian or modern Greek. "_Da!_--of course--_c'est ça--nous allons voir les caves_--the cellars--where all the champagne is. _Karrascho!_"

At this moment M. VESQUIER returns. He will just take us through the offices to his private rooms. Clerks at work everywhere. Uncommonly like an English place of business: not much outward difference between French clerks in a large house like this and English ones in one of our great City houses; only this isn't the City, but is, so to speak, more Manchesterian or Liverpoolian, with the immense advantage of being remarkably clean, curiously quiet, and in a pure and fresh atmosphere. I don't clearly understand what M. VESQUIER's business is, but as he seems to take for granted that I know all about it, I trust to getting DAUBINET alone and obtaining definite information from him. Are they VESQUIER's caves we are going to see? "No," DAUBINET tells me presently, quite surprised, at my ignorance; "we are going to see _les caves de Popperie_--Popp & Co., only Co.'s out of it, and it's all POPP now."

"Now then, Gentlemen," says the _gérant_ of POPP & Co, "here's a _voiture_. We have twenty minutes' drive." The Popp-Manager points out to me all the interesting features of the country. DAUBINET amuses himself by sitting on the box and talking to the coachman.

"It excites me," he explains, when requested to take a back seat inside--though, by the way, it is in no sense DAUBINET's _métier_ to "take a back seat,"--"it excites me--it amuses me to talk to a _cocher. On ne peut pas causer avec un vrai cocher tous les jours._" And presently we see them gesticulating to each other and talking both at once, DAUBINET, of course, is speaking English and various other languages, but as little French as possible, to the evident bewilderment of the driver. DAUBINET is perfectly happy. "Petzikoff! Blass the Prince of WAILES!" I hear him bursting out occasionally. Whereat the coachman smiles knowingly, and flicks the horses.

* * * * *

THE TWO WINDS.

(_A FAIRY STORY FOR THE SEASON OF 1891. IMITATED--AT A DISTANCE--FROM HANS ANDERSEN'S CELEBRATED TALE OF "THE FOUR WINDS."_)

* * * * *

The Mother of the Winds (acting as _locum tenens_ for her Clerk of the Weather, who, sick of his own unseasonable work, was off to spend his annual holiday with Mr. ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON in the Pacific Isles), received the desperately damp, dishevelled, blown-about, and almost heart-broken Princess AGRICULTURA at the door of the Cave.

"Oh, here you are again!" she cried, "once more in the Cavern of the Winds! And this time you have brought two of my sons with you, I see," she added, pointing to the South Wind and the West Wind, who were blowing away at the Princess like bellowsy blends of Blizzards, Cloud-bursts, Tornadoes and Tritons.

"Oh, do for pity's sake, stop them!" cried AGRICULTURA, struggling hard to keep herself and her garments together. "It seems as though the heavens have become one vast sluice, that keeps pouring down water, as my predecessor, the Prince, put it. I have not a dry thread about me. _Please_ put them in their Bags--_do_--whilst I have a little talk with you about them, and the mischief they have been doing."

Two prolonged chuckles, a deep stentorian one and a sharp staccato one, came from the two Bags already hanging to the wall of the Cavern, from whence subsequently protruded the round ruddy form of the North and the pinched figure of the East Wind. "Ho! ho! ho!" chortled the North Wind, chokingly. "Who says _I_ do all the damage?"

"He! he! he!" sniggered the East Wind, raspingly. "Who is the pickle and spoil-sport _now_, I should like to know?"

"Shut up!" said the Mother of the Winds, sharply. "And as to you two," she added, turning to the South and West Winds, "if you don't stand still and give an account of yourselves, I'll pop you into your respective Bags in the twinkling of a hundred-ton gun!"

"Why, who is _she_, that she should call us over the clouds?" cried the two Winds, stopping their blowing a bit, and pointing to the Princess.

"She is my guest," said the old woman; "and if that does not satisfy you, you need only get into the Bags. Do you understand me now?"

Well, this did the business at once; and the two Winds, in a breath, began to relate whence they came, and what they had been doing for nearly three months past.

"We have been spoiling the English Summer," they said.

"_That's_ nothing new," muttered the Mother of the Winds.

"_Isn't_ it, though--in the way _we've_ done it?" cried the two, triumphantly. "Why, those two Boys over yonder, uniting their flatulent forces, could not have done better--or worse. Ho! ho! ho! _They_ made last winter a frozen Sahara. _We've_ made the present summer a squashy Swamp! The winter was as dry as the dust of RAMESES. The summer has been as wet as old St. Swithin's gingham. We soaked June, we drenched July, and we drowned August. We squelched the strawberry season, reducing tons of promising fruit to flavourless pulp, and the growers to damp despair. Whooosh!! What a wetting we gave 'em!!! As soon as the Cricket Season started, so did _we_! Didn't we just? We simply sopped all the wickets, and spoilt all the matches, either keeping the cricketers waiting in the pavilion or slipping about on sloppy slithery turf. Consequently, the Cricketing Season has been a sickening sell. We 'watered down' the 'averages' of all the 'cracks.' S.W. was too many for W.G. (GRACE, of Gloucester), and W.W. gave the _other_ W.W. (READ, of Surrey) a fair doing! We followed 'The Leviathan' in particular about persistently, till he must be real glad to 'take his hook' to Australia. Wherever _he_ was playing, from Kennington to Clifton, we combined our forces, swooped down on him, and simply washed him out!"

"Wanton wags!" said the Mother of the Winds, reproachfully.

"Ra-_ther_," yelled her promising offspring in chorus. "But that's not all, _is_ it, S.W.?--_is_ it W.W.? We mucked up Lawn Tennis, soaked Henley Regatta, nearly spoilt the German EMPEROR's visit, ruined all the _al fresco_ functions of the Season--slap!--flooded Society out of London, only to deluge them in their flitting till they wished they were back again, intensified the Influenza Epidemic, and--"

"Oh! stop, stop!" moaned the Old Woman. "Those Boys yonder will burst--with jealousy. But what have you been doing to the Princess AGRICULTURA here?"

The two broke into a spasmodic duo of delight and disdain. "Why _look_ at her?" they cried. "Doesn't she speak for herself?"

"I _do_," replied AGRICULTURA. "And I charge this pair of Pernicious Pickles with planning--and to a large extent effecting--my Destruction! Hay, Hops, Cereals, Root-Crops, Fruits and Flowers--all ruined by these roystering rascals. They've done more incurable mischief in three supposed-to-be Summer Months than those much-maligned Boys over yonder did all the Winter. They've had it all their own way the Season through, ay, as much as though they'd nailed the weathercock to S.W., and knocked out the bottom of Aquarius's water-pot. And I call upon you, O Mother of the Winds, to pop them at once into their respective Bags, sit upon them till they are choked silent and still, and then hang them up to dry--if dry such watery imps _can_--for at least six months to come!"

Now whether the Mother of the Winds gave ear to the prayer of the poor Princess AGRICULTURA, and imposed upon the Two Winds the punishment they richly deserved, the sequel must show.

* * * * *

* * * * *

MORE MESSAGES FROM THE MAHATMA.

1. I am KOOT HOOMIBOOG. There are more things in my philosophy than were ever dreamed of in heaven or earth. You are POONSH. You are a Thrupni but you are not a Mahatma. Be a Mahatma, and save your postage expenses. But you must be discreet; and you must be exceeding vague. A Mahatma is nothing if he is not vague. You must also be elusive. Can you elude? It is no light matter to prove one's spiritual capacity by materialising a cigarette inside a grand piano.

2. Your reply to my letter is soulless and sceptical. How _can_ you ask me, O POONSH, what I am trying to get at? I ask nothing from you. It would be to your advantage rather than mine if you printed my poem on the Re-incarnation of Ginan Bittas, entitled _The Soul's Gooseberry Bush_. And if you will only be a Mahatma, or a disciple, I will gladly let you have the serial rights in that great work. What do you mean by saying you do not want to find cigarettes in your neighbour's piano? Think it over again, and you will see the beauty of it. You are a Thrupni, but surely you have _some_ spiritual needs.

3. You say that you do not want my poem, and you ask me if I have no further attractions to offer. I am KOOT HOOMIBOOG, and I have kept the greatest attraction for the last. If you will only join us, you _may_ find a few newspapers who will discuss you. You may see the question whether you are a fool or a knave debated in the correspondence columns. Think of the glory of it!

4. What? you won't? Well; I _am_ surprised!

* * * * *

THE (EUROPEAN) WORLD AND ITS WIFE.--Europe--says an oracle--is "Wedded to Peace." Possibly. And Europe, doubtless, does not exactly desire a divorce. But Europe has to pay pretty heavily--in armies and fleets, &c.--for Peace's "maintenance."

* * * * *

THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.

NO. VI.

SCENE--_Garden of the Hotel Victoria at Bingen, commanding a view of the Rhine and the vine-terraced hills, which are bathed in warm afternoon sunlight. Under the mopheaded acacias, CULCHARD and PODBURY are sitting smoking. At a little distance from them, are a Young Married Couple, whose honeymoon is apparently in its last quarter._

_The Bridegroom_ (_lazily, to Bride, as she draws another chair towards her for a foot-rest_). How many _more_ chairs do you want?

_Bride_ (_without looking at him_). I should think you could spare me one--you can hardly sit on three at once!

[_After this interchange of amenities, they consider themselves absolved from any further conversational efforts._

_Podb._ (_to CULCH., resuming a discussion_). I know as well as you do that we are booked for Nuremberg; but what _I_ say is--that's no earthly reason why we should _go_ there!

_Culch._ No reason why _you_ should go, unless you wish it, certainly. _I_ intend to go.

_Podb._ Well, it's beastly selfish, that's all! I know _why_ you're so keen about it, too. Because the TROTTERS are going.

_Culch._ (_colouring_). That's an entire mistake on your part. Miss TROTTER has nothing to do with it. I don't even know whether she's going or not--for certain.

_Podb._ No, but you've a pretty good idea that she _is_, though. And I _know_ how it will be. You'll be going about with her all the time, and I shall be shunted on to the old man! I don't _see_ it, you know! (_CULCH. remains silent. A pause. PODBURY suddenly begins to search his pockets_.) I say--here's a pretty fix! Look here, old fellow, doosid annoying thing, but I can't find my purse--must have lost it somewhere!

_Culch._ (_stoically_). I can't say I'm surprised to hear it. It's awkward, certainly. I suppose I shall have to lend you enough to go home with--it's all I can do; but I'll do that with--er--pleasure.

_Podb._ (_staring_). Go home? Why, I can wire to the governor for more, easily enough. We shall have to stay here till it comes, that's all.

_Culch._ And give up Nuremberg? Thank you!

_Podb._ I rather like this place, you know--sort of rest. And we could always nip over to Ems, or Homburg, if it got too slow, eh?

_Culch._ If I nip over anywhere, I shall nip to Nuremberg. We may just as well understand one another, PODBURY. If I'm to provide money for both of us, it's only reasonable that you should be content to go where _I_ choose. I cannot, and will not, stand these perpetual interferences with our original plan; it's sheer restlessness. Come with me to Nuremberg, and I shall be very happy to be your banker. Otherwise, you must stay here alone.

[_He compresses his lips and crosses his legs._

_Podb._ Oh, _that_'s it, is it? But look here, why not tit up whether we go on or stay?

_Culch._ Why should I "tit up," as you call it, when I've already made up my mind to go. When I once decide on anything, it's final.

_The Bride_ (_to Bridegroom, without enthusiasm_). Would you like me to roll you a cigarette?

_Bridegroom_ (_with the frankness of an open nature_). Not if I know it. I can do it better myself.

_Bride_ (_coldly_). I see.

[_Another silence, at the end of which she rises and walks slowly away, pausing at the gate to see whether he intends to follow. As he does not appear to have remarked her absence, she walks on._

_Podbury_ (_to Culch., in an undertone_). I say, those two don't seem to hit it off exactly, eh? Seem sorry they came! You'll be glad to hear, old fellow, that we needn't separate after all. Just found my purse in my trouser-pocket!

_Culch._ Better luck than you deserve. Didn't I tell you you should have a special pocket for your money and coupons? Like this--see. (_He opens, his coat._) With a buttoned flap, it stands to reason they _must_ be safe!

_Podb._ So long as you keep it buttoned, old chap,--which you don't seem to do!

_Culch._ (_annoyed_). Pshaw! The button is a trifle too--(_feels pocket, and turns pale_). Good Heavens, it--it's _gone_!

_Podb._ The button?

_Culch._ (_patting himself all over with shaking hands_). Everything!--money, coupons, circular notes! They--they must have fallen out going up that infernal Niederwald. (_Angrily._) You _would_ insist on going!

_Podb_. Phew! The whole bag of tricks gone! You're lucky if you get them again. Any number of tramps and beggars all the way up. Shouldn't have taken off your coat--very careless of you! (_He grins._)

_Culch._ It was so hot. I must go and inform the Police here--I may recover it yet. Anyway, we--we must push on to Nuremberg, and I'll telegraph home for money to be sent there. You can let me have enough to get on with?

_Podb._ With all the pleasure in life, dear boy--on your own conditions, you know. I mean, if I pay the piper, I call the tune. Now, I don't cotton to Nuremberg somehow; I'd rather go straight on to Constance; we could get some rowing there.

_Culch._ (_pettishly_). Rowing be ---- (_recollecting his helplessness_). No; but just consider, my dear PODBURY. I assure you you'll find Nuremberg a most delightful old place. You must see how bent I am on going there!

_Podb._ Oh, yes, I see _that_. But then I'm _not_, don't you know--so there we are!

_Culch._ (_desperately_). Well, I'll--I'll meet you half-way. I've no objection to--er--titting up with you--Nuremberg or Constance. Come?

_Podb._ You weren't so anxious to tit up just now--but never mind. (_Producing a mark_.) Now then, Emperor--Constance. Eagle--Nuremberg. Is it sudden death, or best out of three? [_He tosses._

_Culch._ Sud--(_The coin falls with the Emperor uppermost._) Best out of three.

[_He takes coin from PODBURY and tosses._

_Podb._ Eagle! we're even so far. (_He receives coin._) This settles it. [_He tosses._

_Culch._ Eagle again! Now mind, PODBURY, no going back after _this._ It must _be_ Nuremberg now.

_Podb._ All right! And now allow me to have the pleasure of restoring your pocket-book and note-case. They did fall out on the Niederwald, and it was a good job for you I was behind and saw them drop. You must really be more careful, dear boy. Ain't you going to say "ta" for them?

_Culch._ (_relieved_). I'm--er--tremendously obliged. I really can't say how.--(_Recollecting himself_.) But you need not have taken advantage of it to try to do me out of going to Nuremberg--it was a shabby trick!

_Podb._ Oh, it was only to get a rise out of you. I never meant to keep you to it, of course. And I say, weren't you sold, though? Didn't I lead up to it beautifully? (_He chuckles._) Score to me, eh!

_Culch._ (_with amiable sententiousness_). Ah, well, I don't grudge you your little joke if it amuses you. Those laugh best who laugh last. And it's settled now that we're going to Nuremberg.

[_Miss TROTTER and her father have come out from the Speisesaal doors, and overhear the last speech._

_Mr. Trotter_ (_to Culchard_). Your friend been gettin' off a joke on you, Sir?

_Culch._ Only in his own estimation, Mr. TROTTER. I have nailed him down to going to Nuremberg, which, for many reasons, I was extremely anxious to visit. (_Carelessly._) Are we likely to be there when you are?

_Miss T._ I guess not. We've just got our mail, and my cousin, CHARLEY VAN BOODELER, writes he's having a real lovely time in the Engadine--says it's the most elegant locality he's struck yet, and just as full of Amurrcans as it can hold; so we're going to start out there right away. I don't believe we shall have time for Nuremberg this trip. Father, if we're going to see about checking the baggage through, we'd better go down to the _dépôt_ right now. [_They pass on._

_Culch._ (_with a very blank face and a feeble whistle_). Few-fitty-fitty-fitty-fa-di-fee-fee-foo; few--After all, PODBURY, I don't know that I care so much about Nuremberg. They--they say it's a good deal changed from what it was.

_Podb._ So are _you_, old chap, if it comes to that. Tiddledy-iddlety-ido-lumpty-doodle-oo! Is it to be Constance after all, then?

_Culch._ (_reddening_). Er--I rather thought of the Engadine--more _bracing_, eh?--few-feedle-eedle-oodle--

_Podb._ You artful old whistling oyster, _I_ see what you're up to! But it's no go; she don't want either of us Engadining about after her. It's CHARLEY VAN STICKINTHEMUD's turn now! We've got to go to Nuremberg. You can't get out of it, after gassing so much about the place. When you've once decided, you know, it's _final_!

_Culch._ (_with dignity_). I am not aware that I _wanted_ to get out of it. I merely proposed in your--(PODBURY _suddenly explodes._) What are you cackling at _now_?

_Podb._ (_wiping his eyes_). It's the last laugh, old man,--and it's the best!

[_CULCHARD walks away rapidly, leaving PODBURY in solitary enjoyment of the joke. PODBURY's mirth immediately subsides into gravity, and he kicks several unoffending chairs with quite uncalled-for brutality._

* * * * *

A "KNOT"ICAL STORY OF DRURY LANE.

(_TOLD BY OUR AGED SALT, WITH A TASTE FOR THE DIBDIN DRAMA._)

What, not remember it! Not the scene on Wapping Old Stairs and Mr. CHARLES GLENNEY in the Merchant Service, and Miss MILLWARD the Ward of Count GURNEY DELAUNAY! Not remember all that! Not recollect the pretty set with the River, the boat-house, and the figure-heads! Ah, tell it to the Marines! Not that they would believe you! I remember it, and a good deal more. Now it came about in this way. You see Miss MILLWARD thought that Lieutenant CHARLES WARNER, R.N.--"her sweetheart as a boy"--was dead, and, like a sensible young lady, made arrangements to marry his foster-brother, meaning GLENNEY. This she would have done most comfortably, had not the Count and a Boat-builder, one JULIAN CROSS PENNYCAD, objected. But after all, their opposition wouldn't have come to much hadn't Lieutenant CHARLES WARNER, R.N., taken it into his head to turn up from the Centre of Africa, or the Cannibal Islands, or somewhere. On second thoughts I don't think it could have been the Cannibal Islands, because _there_ they would have certainly eaten him--he looked so plump, and in such excellent condition. Well, Lieutenant WARNER, R.N., finding that Miss MILLWARD was on the eve of marrying Mr. GLENNEY, most nobly made room for his foster-brother, and hurried back to sea. But as luck (and Mr. HENRY PETTIT) would have it, just as the lady and gentleman were on their way to Stepney Old Church to be spliced, who should turn up in a uniform that showed him to be a fine figure of a man but Lieutenant WARNER, R.N., himself--with the Press Gang. It turned out that Lieutenant WARNER's ship was very under-manned, and that he had been ordered by his Captain to get all the sailors he could on board H.M.S. _Dauntless_--a vessel, by the way, that afterwards proved to be the very image of the _Victory_. And here came a complication. Through the treachery of JULIAN CROSS PENNYCAD, Lieutenant WARNER seized Mr. GLENNEY just as he and Miss MILLWARD were entering Stepney Old Church. Says Mr. GLENNEY to Lieutenant WARNER, "What, taking me, because you are jealous of me, on my wedding-day! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" or words to that effect. Says Lieutenant WARNER, R.N., to Mr. GLENNEY, "Nothing of the sort. For the man who would betray another, save in the way of kindness, on his bridal morn, is unworthy of the name of a British sailor," or words to _that_ effect. Then Miss MILLWARD chimed in, and thus touched the heart of Lieutenant WARNER, R.N., so deeply that he ordered Mr. GLENNEY's immediate release. "I forget my duty," explained the generous WARNER. "But I don't," put in his superior officer, Captain WILLIAM LUGG VERNON, "and I order that man to be carried on board!" and there was not a dry eye amongst those present, except, perhaps, amongst the heartless "Press Gang," who, having to write notices for the daily and weekly papers, were naturally eager to see what "In the Fo'castle" and "The Deck of the _Dauntless_" were like. And these they did see in the next Act of this really capital Drama. And here came in a scene that will long be remembered to the honour of the British Navy and the National and Royal Theatre, Drury Lane. There came a mutiny, with the misguided GLENNEY at the head of it. Said Captain WILLIAM LUGG VERNON, after it was quelled, "We can't spare a man, and so I shall have Mr. GLENNEY flogged." "Don't do that," cried Lieutenant WARNER; "he is my brother and my friend, although he has given me a oner, owing to a misunderstanding. Captain, may I appeal to these men, and ask them in stirring language, to fight the foe." "You shall," replied his superior officer; "and, by arrangement with Mr. HENRY PETTITT, I will see that '_Rule Britannia_' is played softly by an efficient orchestra while you are speaking to them." "A thousand thanks!" cried the eloquent WARNER; and then he let them have it. He told them that the enemy were waiting for them--that they had left Brest for the purpose of engaging in a first-class naval engagement. He pointed out that the other ships of the Fleet were on their way to the scrimmage. "Would the gallant _Dauntless_ be the only laggard?" "No!" shouted the now-amenable-to-naval-discipline GLENNEY, and with the rest of the malcontents, he asked to be led to glory. It was indeed stirring to see the red-coats waving their hats on the tops of their bayonets, and the Blue Jackets brandishing their swords. In the enthusiasm of the moment, the entire ship's company seemed to have lost their heads, and cheers came from the deck, and the auditorium equally. It was a moment of triumph for everyone concerned! Everyone! And need I say anything more? Need I tell you how it came right in the end? How Miss MILLWARD (who was always on the eve of being married to someone) did actually go through a civil ceremony (the French were polite even in the days before Waterloo) with the Count, which, however, failed to count (as an old wag, with a taste for ancient jests, observed to a brother droll), because the Gallic nobleman got killed immediately after the ceremony? Need I hint that Mr. GLENNEY was falsely accused of murder, to be rescued at the right moment by the ever-useful and forgiving WARNER? Need I say that Mr. HENRY PETTITT was cheered to the echo for his piece, and Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS for his stage management? No, for other chronicles have given the news already; and it is also superfluous to describe the fun of those excellent comedians, Mr. HARRY NICHOLLS and Miss FANNY BROUGH. All I can say is, if you want to see a good piece, well mounted, and capitally acted all round, why go to Old Drury, and you will agree with me (and the old wag with a taste for ancient jests) that Sir AUGUST-US might add September, October, November, and December to his signature, as _A Sailor's Knot_ seems likely to remain tied to the Knightly Boards until it is time to produce the Christmas Pantomime. So heave away, my hearties, and good luck to you!

* * * * *

SONGS FOR THE PRO. AND CON. THEOSOPHICAL CONTROVERSIALISTS.--"_All round Mahatmas_," "_He's a jolly good Chela!_" "Row, _Brothers_, Row!" and "_Why did my 'Masters' sell me?_"

* * * * *

* * * * *

"NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH."

_A SCENE VERY FREELY ADAPTED FROM "THE CRITIC."_

_Enter Mr. PUNCH, First Commissioner of Police, Inspector, and Constables._

_Commissioner_. Oh! very valiant Constables: one is the Inspector himself, the others are ordinary P.C.'s. And now I hope you shall hear some better language. I was obliged to be plain and intelligible in my manifesto, because there was so much matter-of-fact ground for remonstrance, and even chiding; but still, 'i faith, I am proud of my men, who, in point of fact, are fine fellows.

_Mr. P._ Unquestionably! But let us listen--unobserved, if so it may be.

_Inspector_. How's this, my lads! What cools your usual zeal, And makes your helméd valour down i' the mouth? Why dimly glimmers that heroic flame Whose reddening blaze, by civic spirit fed, Should be the beacon of a happy Town? Can the smart patter of a Bobby's tongue Thus stagnate in a cold and prosy converse, Or freeze in oathless inarticulateness? No! Let not the full fountain of your valour Be choked by mere official wiggings, or Your prompt consensus of prodigious swearing Be checked by the philanthropists' foaming wrath, Or high officialdom's hostility!

_Mr. P._ There it is, Mr. Commissioner; they admit your by no means soft impeachment.

_Commissioner_. Nay, listen yet awhile!

_1st P.C._ No more!--the freshening breeze of your rebuke Hath filled the napping canvas of our souls! And thus, though magistrates expostulate,

[_All take hands and raise their truncheons._

And hint that ANANIAS dressed in blue, We'll grapple with the thing called Evidence, And if we fall, by Heaven! we'll fall _together_!

_Inspector_. There spoke Policedom's genius! Then, are we all resolved?

_All_. We are--all resolved.

_Inspector_. To pull--and swear--together?

_All_. To pull--and swear--together.

_Inspector_. All?

_All_. All!

_Mr. P._ _Nem. con._ Egad!

_Commissioner_. Oh, yes! When they do agree in the Force, their unanimity is wonderful!

_Inspector_. Then let's embrace this resolution, and "Keep it with a constant mind--and now--"

[_Kneels._

_Mr. P._ What the plague, is he going to pray?

_Commissioner_. Yes--hush! In great emergencies--on the Stage or in the Force--there's nothing like a prayer in chorus.

_Inspector_. "O MENDEZ PINTO!"

_Mr. P._ But why should he pray to MENDEZ PINTO?

_Commissioner_. Oh, "the Knight, PINTO-MENDEZ FERDINANDO," as POE calls him, is the tutelary genius of Bards--and Bobbies! Hush!

_Inspector_. If in thy homage bred Each point of discipline I've still observed; Swearing in squads, affirming in platoons; Nor but by due promotion, and the right Of service to the rank P.C. Inspector, Have risen; assist thy votary now!

_1st P.C._ Yet do not rise--hear me! [_Kneels._

_2nd P.C._ And me! [_Kneels._

_3rd P C._ And me! [_Kneels._

_Inspector_. Now swear--and pray--all together!

_All_. We swear!!! Behold thy votaries submissive beg That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask, Assist them to accomplish all their ends, And sanctify whatever means they use To gain them

_Mr. P._ A very orthodox and harmonious chorus. Their "_tutti_" is perfection.

_Commissioner_. Vastly well, is't not? Is that well managed or not? Is the "thin Blue line" well disciplined or not? Have you such absolute perfection of "alltogetherishness" on your lyric stage as the Force voluntarily maintains--in its own interests, and obedient to its own peculiar _esprit de corps_?

_Mr. P._ (_with significance_). Not exactly!

* * * * *

MANY HAPPY RETURNS!

(_PUNCH TO MADAME LA RÉPUBLIQUE._)

["The Republic attains its majority to-morrow (Sept. 4). It is the first Government since the Revolution which has had a twenty-first birthday."--_The Times_.]

Dear Madam, "Perfidious Albion" proffers The best birthday wishes good feeling can shape! A snap of the fingers for cynical scoffers! A fig for the framers of venomous jape. May Peace and Goodwill be your lasting possession, Your proud "Valour" tempered by "years of discretion!"

* * * * *

HYGEIA OFF THE SCENT.--It is stated that even the charms of a champagne luncheon failed to attract more than one out of twenty-four members of the Hygienic Congress invited to test the merits of sewage-farms by ocular--or should we say _nasal_?--demonstration. Perhaps the missing three-and-twenty thought that in this case, at least, Mrs. MALAPROP would be both correct and pertinent in saying that "Comparisons are _odorous_!"

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* * * * *

ROBERT'S ROMANCE.

I have been so bothered for coppys of my Romanse, as I read at the Cook's Swarry some time back, that I have detummined to publish it, and here it is. In coarse, all rites is reserved.

ROBERT.

THE MYSTERY OF MAY FARE.

(BY ONE BEHIND THE SEENS.)