Chapter 3

_Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is the Wink a thing Worthy of worship; will you fling Your caps in air for the Knave-King Who--winks the other eye?

The Politician plucks his geese, Then he winks the other eye. Brazen Fraud steals Trade's Golden Fleece, Then he winks the other eye. _Autolycus_ pipes ballads; public pockets are his aim; _Rabagas_ raves of "liberty"; advancement is his game; And when their dupes aren't looking all these rogues do just the same, They--wink the other eye!

_Chorus_.--Say, boys, pæans will you sing To winking harpies all a-wing To prey on fools; who steal, and sting, And--wink the other eye?

Wisdom may smile, but Cunning can't, She winks the other eye. Humour shall chortle, Mockery shan't, She winks the other eye. The stars above us twinkle and the dews beneath us blink, All the eyes of Nature sparkle, and from merriment do not shrink, The Language of the Eye of Cynic Knavery is--the Wink! _Roguery_ "winks the other eye!"

_Chorus_.--Say, boys, is it quite the thing? "Ducdàme"[1] to fools the Diddlers sing; Trust me 'tis Rascals in a Ring Who wink the other eye!

[Footnote 1:

_Amiens_. What's that "ducdàme"?

_Jaques_. 'Tis a Greek invocation to call fools into a circle.

"_As You Like It_," _Act II., Sc. 5._]

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THE EVOLUTION OF TOMMY'S PRIVATE-SCHOOL REPORT.

1. _A rough draught, written by the under-master, who certainly has had rather a trying week with_ TOMMY.

"I am unable to speak highly of either his intelligence or his industry; but occasionally he works well, and has undoubtedly made some progress this term. His conduct is not always good."

2. _Second rough draught_; TOMMY _in the meantime has missed a repetition and accidentally knocked down the black-board._

"Exceptionally stupid and idle. Cannot be said to have made any progress whatever this term, although he has had every effort made with him. His conduct is abominable, noisy and unruly in the extreme."

3. _Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of course_, TOMMY _had not intended to be overheard when he spoke of the under-master as_ "_Old Pig-face_," _but this is the result._

"A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my misfortune to teach. Seems to have gone steadily backward all the term. Is most objectionable in his manners, and has no sense of honour."

4. _Fair copy, as amended by the principal; how was_ TOMMY _to know that stone would break the conservatory window, and drive the principal to alter the report to this?_

"Would be better suited in a reformatory than in a school of this standing. Utterly depraved, vicious and idle, with marked criminal instincts. In intellect verges on the imbecile. Unless there is a marked improvement next term, I cannot keep him."

5. _Principal's final copy; it_ was _fortunate that_ TOMMY _happened to remark that he had four cousins who were, perhaps, coming next term. One can't lose four pupils, even if it makes it necessary to write like this._

"A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given to mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline. My assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and of his general intelligence. He seems well suited by our system. His conduct is, on the whole, admirable. He is truthful and conscientious."

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COUPLET BY A CYNIC.

"Poetry does not sell!" cry plaintive pleaders. Alas! most modern Poetry _does_--its readers!

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