Chapter 2

Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people are hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points. Held firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your way. In entering a crowded omnibus or railway carriage, by touching a knob, let the heat generated by the electric current instantly cause the whole to become "red-hot." Dexterously moved about in front of you, you will find this a most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view to your removal either to another compartment, or even a general request for your expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of course, you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel without your umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a newly-patented principle.

_THE "HANSOM CAB FIEND."_

This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get eight miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and you will find a general indifference as to the rule of the road, especially if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a capital "road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best to get out of your way when it sees you coming.

_THE "PIANO ORGAN, GERMAN BAND, AND GENERAL STREET MUSIC FIEND."_

Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive and unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music commences at either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially arranged in your area, the full force of the above. This will not only overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist. You have merely to say, "When they stop, _I_ turn off," to get them to comprehend the situation. It may possibly lead to the intervention of the police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street.

There are other London fiends removable by various measures, concerning which much might be said if they were not actionable.

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"GRATITUDE--A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME."--Mr. SWINBURNE unexpectedly says a good word for the much be-mocked BOWDLER. "No man (he says), ever did better service to SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it possible to put him into the hands of intelligent and imaginative children." Can Mr. SWINBURNE be "proticipating" the period when another BOWDLER may be called upon to do a similar "service" for the author of _Poems and Ballads?_

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"AFTER YOU!"

["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose names are mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of Commons), that we do not understand what selfishness is in the Public Service. Everyone of us would prefer that someone else should hold that high and honourable office."--_Sir M. Hicks-Beach at Stockton-on-Tees_.]

_Eminent official Altruist loquitur_:--

Oh, _is_ there such a vice as unholy love of self. In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing I can't believe. If I thought we could be moved by the love of power or pelf, To compete for premier office I should very greatly grieve. But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be so. We don't even "understand it," so of course it isn't true. When we're called upon to go, each will say, all louting low, "After _you_!"

We are not "competitive," like those naughty goddesses Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's pine-clad peak. Of his "choice"--through selfishness--that young shepherd made a mess, But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be so wildly weak; And our claims _we_ shall not urge to compulsion's very verge, On the contrary each one thinks that "another" best will do. "No, loved comrade" (each will say) "let me make my 'splendid splurge' "After _you_!"

Look at GOSCHEN! Can't you see he regards with perfect glee The prospect of promotion of his faithful friend BALFOUR. _He_ doesn't want to lead. Ah no, indeed, indeed! Do you think that off friend ARTHUR JOACHIM can wish to score? Upon the Treasury Bench did he ever try to trench On the province of the Leader for the time, no matter who? He would cry, "Dear ARTHUR, No! from priority I blench,-- "After _you_!"

Then bland BALFOUR in his turn such crude selfishness would spurn As the wish to prove himself popular more than soft J.G., With a most becoming blush his pale cheek, I'm sure, would burn, If his uncle should cry, "Come, nephew dear, and second me!" He would hint at nepotism, and the chance of secret schism. "Let the mild ex-Liberal lead, I will be his henchman true!" He would cry, with selfless joy on his brow like a pure chrism, "After _you_!"

And as for simple Me! Oh, it's utter fiddle-de-dee To suppose that I possess, or desire, the least look in. No, selfishness, my friends, we unitedly agree In Party life is just _the_ unpardonable sin, Which "we do not understand," like that other little game That AH-SIN, reluctant, played, with some small success 'tis true. But _we_'ve no sleeve-hidden card as we cry, with modest shame, "After _you_!"

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WHAT'S IN A NAME?--The _St. James's Gazette_ says:--"There are forty-seven divorces in the United States for every one in the United Kingdom." Evidently "United" is something more than _anagrammatically_ identical with "Untied."

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"GRAY'S ELEGY" AMENDED.

["I have often thought that GRAY's _Elegy_ was defective in having no verse commemorative of the sequestered and unsophisticated philanthropy of the village doctor."--_Sir James Crichton-Browne at the Yorkshire College, Leeds._]

And one lies here of whom the scoffer said, He did his best the green churchyard to fill; None ever looks upon his lowly bed, Without the recollection of a pill.

He lived sequestered, and he died unknown, A truly unsophisticated man; A medicine-glass adorns his humble stone, And thus the epitaph they graved him ran:

"Here Doctor BOLUS lies, to dose no more; His charge was moderate, but quite enough: Death left a last prescription at the door, And then the doctor had his '_Quantum suff._'"

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HARRYING OUR HAKIMS.

[A medical journal suggests that all candidates for Medical Degrees should be required to give proof of good handwriting, in order to put an end to indistinct prescriptions.]

A few additional requirements, we believe, have been under consideration, of which the following are a sample:--

All candidates for the M.B. Degree to be able to count up to fifty. Candidates who are more than fifty not to count.

Nobody to become a Member of the Royal College of Surgeons until he has mastered Simple Addition and Compound Fractures.

Members of the Royal College of Physicians will henceforth be expected to know their Weights (with boots off) and Measures (round the waist). Troy weight only. "Scruples" not allowed. Good knowledge of Multiplication Table indispensable for dispensers.

No candidate to be accepted for a Degree unless he either has a good "bedside manner," or undertakes to develop one as soon as possible.

Any candidate to be at once ploughed unless he can answer all the following questions:--

1. What would you do if asked to hold a consultation with a practitioner whom you have every reason to suppose an incapable quack?

2. If a good paying patient, suffering from no ailment whatever, called you in with a view to getting a week's holiday at the seaside by medical orders, how would you reconcile a desire to oblige that pardonable weakness with a strict regard for veracity?

3. When the parents of a large family, who do their duty manfully by calling you in about twice a week, and from whom therefore you derive a not inconsiderable proportion of your income, object to have an infant vaccinated at the proper time, because they erroneously consider it to be unfit for the operation, which would you feel inclined to strain--friendship, or the law?

4. Do you believe in Influenza?

5. Have you ever seen a Microbe?

6. "In the multitude of visits there is safety." Comment on this declaration. How many visits do you think a common catarrh will support? Give reasons.

7. What is the etiquette about Red Lamps?

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"HORSE AND 'RYDER'".--Last week, on the 15th, as was reported in the _Globe_, and elsewhere, "a humble crossing-sweeper," named RYDER, stopped a runaway cab-horse (a great rarity this, too) just as he was about to descend headlong the steps of the Duke of York's column, and so saved the two passengers, who, we hope, in consideration of what he has done for _their_ lives, have settled something hansom upon him for _his_ life. If not, the proposition is here made, and after the prop comes the RYDER.

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GHOSTLY COUNSEL.--Prizes are being offered for "Good Ghost Stories." This may mean _Stories of Good Ghosts_; but supplying the hyphen and supposing that the requirement is for "Good Ghost-stories," then _Mr. Punch_ makes a present of a good title to any sanguine amateur who may compete. Let him call his story, "A Ghost of a Chance." And _Mr. Punch_ wishes he may get it!

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PENNY FOOLISH.--Somebody has published a penny _A B C of Theosophy_. To the appeal of this Occult A B C the enlightened public will probably be D E F.

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"QUI DORT, DÎNE," ET "QUI DÎNE, DORT."--A man who "goes nap" _at_ dinner, is pretty safe to go nap immediately _after_ it.

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ONLY FANCY!

(_FROM MR. PUNCH'S OWN HUMOURISTS._)

It is not generally known that the Emperor of RUSSIA visited London the other day on his way to Paris, where he is to hold an important secret conference with the President of the Republic and M. BLOWITZ. His Imperial Majesty's disguise was complete, consisting as it did of an aquiline nose of considerable size, and a secondhand gaberdine of primitive cut. He visited the principal Music Halls of the Metropolis and left by the last train for Surbiton, where his private yacht was in waiting to convey him to Marseilles, and so on to Paris by the new French canal system.

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Monaco has adhered to the Triple Alliance. The negotiations thus brought to a successful issue, have been for a long time in progress. Obligations of honour, which no longer exist, have hitherto compelled me, as your Correspondent, to keep secret the fact that amongst the _croupiers_ of the _trente-et-quarante_ tables at the Casino for the past three months have been the Chancellors of the German and Austrian Empires, and the MARCHESE DI RUDINI, who, thus disguised, carried out their delicate mission to the Court of Monaco. By this post I send you the draft treaty by which Monaco engages, in the event of war, to furnish a completely equipped contingent of ten men.

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The BARON DE BOOK-WORMS arrived in town yesterday afternoon and transacted business at his office in Bouverie Street, afterwards returning to his country seat at Stow-in-the-Wold.

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BROWNING SOCIETY VERSES.

[Dr. FURNIVALL announces that the Browning Society is about to be dissolved.]

Hark! 'tis the knell of the Browning Society, Wind-bags are bursting all round us to-day; FURNIVALL fails, and for want of his diet he Pines like a love-stricken maiden away.

Long has he fed upon cackle and platitude, FURNIVALL sauce to a dish full of dearth, Still, in the favourite FURNIVALL attitude, Grubbing about like a mole in the earth.

Now must he vanish, the mole-hills are flat again, (Follies grow fewer it seems by degrees); Lovers of BROWNING may laugh and grow fat again, Rid of the jargon of Furnivallese.

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NEW AND OLD TERMS.--"Slate, Slite, Slote, Slitten," is the title of an amusing article in the _Saturday Review_, on the derivation of the verb "to slate." How "slote" comes in is not quite evident, but that when the pages of a dull book are "slitten" by the paper-knife, it will be read and slated by a critic, and then "slited" (or "slighted") by the public, is quite sufficient without "putting a penny in the 'slote'" on the chance of getting something better.

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SO LIKE HIM!--Tuesday last week was the seventieth birthday of Professor VIRCHOW. He has refused all titles and emoluments, observing that "VIRCHOW is its own reward."

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VERY POP-ULAR!--Through the _Times_ came the information that, since the famine, the Russian Officers have given up drinking champagne. Their conduct is really quite Magnuminous!

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"ADSCRIPTUS GLEBÆ."

["He (Mr. GOSCHEN) was in favour of giving the agricultural labourer every opportunity of becoming more attached to the soil."--_Mr. Goschen at Cambridge_.]

Attached to the soil! Pretty optimist phrase We are so, and have been, from _Gurth's_ simpler days, Though now platform flowers of speech--pleasant joke!-- May wreath the serf's ring till men scarce see the yoke. Attached to the soil! The soil clings to our souls! Young labour's scant guerdon, cold charity's doles, The crow-scarer's pittance, the poor-house's aid All smell of it! Tramping with boots thickly clayed From brown field or furrow, or lowered at last In our special six-feet by the sexton up-cast, We smack of the earth, till we earthy have grown, Like the mound that Death gives us--best friend--for our own. We tramp it, we delve it, we plough it, this soil, And a grave is the final reward of our toil. Attached? The attachment of love is one thing, The attachment of profit another. _Gurth's_ ring Is _our_ form of attachment at bottom, Sir, still, And to favour _that_ bond HODGE doubts not your good will. But when others talk of improving our lot By possession of more than a burial plot, By pay for our toil, and by balm for our troubles, You ban all such prospects as "radiant bubbles." Declare "under-currents of plunder" run through All plans for our aid save those favoured by you, Attached to the soil! Ah! how many approve _That_ attachment, when founded on labour and love! But about "confiscation" they chatter and fuss At all talk of attaching the soil to poor us!

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FREE AND INDEPENDENT.

SCENE--_Manager's Room of the Ideal Theatre. Present--Committee of Taste._

_Manager_. Now, you fellows, I think we have settled what to do next. Carry out the notion of an afternoon performance of the Ideal Drama. We have got the moderate guarantee, and the good stock company, and hope to receive the cooperation of the leading artists from other theatres. Isn't that so?

_Auditor_. Yes, I can answer for the moderate guarantee--about £20--in the bank.

_Stage Manager_. And the good stock company was imported early this morning from Ireland. All very good Shakspearian actors with a taste of a brogue to give their remarks pungency.

_Manager_. That's all right. And what is the play?

_First Member of the Committee of Taste_. "_Demons_," by the Master.

_Second Ditto_. No, let us have something newer. Why not an adaptation (by myself) of that charming work by SODALA--I call it _Blood and Thunder_?

_Manager_ (_producing halfpenny_). By the rules of the Company we toss for it. (_Throws up coin._) Heads!--_Blood and Thunder_ wins. We will do _Blood and Thunder_. Well, now as to casting it. Anything for IRVING in it?

_Second Mem._ Oh, yes--if he would play it. A Policeman who dies by cutting his throat in Scene 1. Not the sort of part he usually selects, but capital.

_First Mem._ It is not for Mr. IRVING to pick and choose, it is the cause of Art we serve.

_Second Mem._ Well, yes. We might telephone and learn his views on the subject.

[_Subordinate takes instructions_.

_Manager_. All right! Ah, here we have the piece! Rather long, but the parts seem mild enough. Who's to do this soldier--a sort of heavy dragoon, with a cold, who dies in the First Scene of the Second Act?

_Second Mem._ Oh, anybody! KENDAL or FARREN; or if they can't, then HARE or LIONEL BROUGH.

_Manager_. But do you think they will like it? You see they each have their line, and--

_First Mem._ In the cause of Art they will be prepared to do anything. At least, they ought to be.

_Manager_. Well, we will telephone to them too. (_Subordinate takes further instructions_.) And now, how about the Ladies?

_Second Mem._ Oh, there are a lot of school-girls, and a woman who dies by degrees of general paralysis. The girls, of course will be all right with--say, Miss EMERY, Miss LINDEN, Miss ALMA MURRAY, and Mrs. KENDAL. But we want two people to play the woman. First Act, Miss ELLEN TERRY; second and third, Miss GENEVIEVE WARD. To be properly played, both should be in it.

_Manager_. But how will that do? I do not think that Miss TERRY will care to--

_First Mem._ Nonsense! She is a most charming person, and will do anything in the cause of Art.

_Subordinate_ (_returning from telephone_). Beg pardon, Gentlemen, but Messrs. KENDAL, FARREN, BROUGH and HARE say they are very sorry, but they are not at home; and Mr. IRVING presents his compliments, and would be delighted to do what we wish, but he fears he will be otherwise engaged. However, he says you have his sympathy, and his heart goes out to you. [_Exit._

_Manager_. Well, what shall we do?

_Second Mem._ Oh, there's VEZIN, and TERRIS, and PAULTON, and a heap more!

_Subordinate_ (_returning_). Just heard from the Ladies, Gentlemen, and they send their kindest regards, but they are out too!

_Acting Manager_ (_entering_). Well, how about the performance?

_Members of the Council_ (_together_). Oh, it's nearly arranged!

_Acting Man._ Well, if I might suggest, as a person of considerable experience, it doesn't matter a jot whether you get a company together or not.

_Members_ (_as before_). Why?

_Acting Man._ Because you won't get an audience!

[_Scene closes in upon farther consultation._

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THEOSOPHIC TOOLS.

(_BY AN OPPONENT OF OCCULTISM._)

The Theosophic Boom, its wordy strife And futile fuss are fading out in "fizzle." They talk a deal about their "_planes_ of life," 'Tis plain to me the fitter term were "chisel."

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POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG:

OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS.

"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse," says the old saw, and a wink is no doubt as good as a smile to a purblind ass. But the wink is indeed one of the worst uses to which the human eye can he put. It signifies usually the vulgarisation of humour, and the degradation of mirth. It is the favourite eye-language of the cynical cad, the coarse jester, the crapulous clown, and--above all--the chuckling cheat.

It must be admitted, that the Muse of the Music Hall--in her Momus mood--has a strong leaning towards the glorification of cynical 'cuteness of the _Autolycus_ sort. It is a weakness which she seems to share with party scribes and Colonial politicians. If she had any classic leanings, which she has not, her favourite deity would be Mercury, the "winking Cyllenian Argophont" of the Homeric Hymn, the "little cradled rogue," the Apollo-cheating babe, "the lord of those who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal and shop-lift," under whom _Autolycus_ prided himself upon having been "littered." _Autolycus's_ complacent self-gratulation, "How bless'd are we that are not simple men!" would appeal to the heart of the Music-hall votary. "Ha, ha! what a fool Honesty is! and Trust his sworn brother, a very simple gentleman" is, virtually, the burthen of dozens of the most favourite of the Music-hall ditties.

Sly-scheming Hermes "winked" knowingly at Jupiter when he was "pitching his yarn" about the stolen oxen, and Jupiter "according to his wont,"

"Laughed heartily to hear the subtle witted Infant give such a plausible account, And every word a lie."

So the Music-hall Muse "winks" knowingly, and knavishly, at her audience, and her audience "laugh heartily," in Jovian guffaws, at her winks. What wonder then that she should lyrically apostrophise "The Wink" in laudatory numbers?

"Say, boys, now is it quite the thing?"

she cries in sham deprecation, but all the while she "winks the other eye" in a way her hearers quite understand. "Cabby knows his fare," and the Music-hall Muse knows her clients. What, we wonder, would be her reception did she really carry out her ironically pretended protest and sing to the chuckling cads who applaud her, the following version of her favourite lay?

NO. II.--THE WINK OF ROGUERY'S EYE.

AIR--"_WINK THE OTHER EYE_."

Say, boys, whatever do men mean When they wink the other eye? Why, when "sharps" say the world is "green," Do they wink the other eye? The Radicals and Tories both tell stories, not a few, About Measures falsely promised, and reforms long overdue; And when the simple Mob believes that every word is true. Then they--wink the other eye!

_Chorus_.--Say, boys, now is it quite the thing! Say, should we let them have their fling? Ah, when they get us "on a string" Then they wink the other eye!

Say, boys are Leaders to be loved, When they wink the other eye? By artful speech the Mob is moved, Till _it_ winks the other eye; The optic Wink's the language of the sly and sordid soul, The mute freemasonry of Fraud, sign-post to Roguery's goal. When Circe sees her votaries swine ready in sludge to roll Then _she_ winks the other eye!

_Chorus_.--Say, boys, _is_ it so fine a thing, Low Cunning, which Cheat's laureates sing, The Comus of the Mart and Ring, Who--winks the other eye?

Say, boys, is Cunning's promise good, When she winks the other eye? Noodledom seeks her neighbourhood, And winks _its_ other eye. For no one winks so freely as a fool who _thinks_ he's sly; The dupe of deeper knavery smirks in shallow mimicry Of the smirking JERRY DIDDLER who is sucking him so dry, And who winks the other eye.