Chapter 1

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 101.

November 7, 1891.

ONLY FANCY!

We learn by telegraph from Berlin that some uneasiness exists in that capital owing to demonstrations made by the photographists and artists in plaster-of-Paris, who have been accustomed to reproduce likenesses and busts of His Imperial Majesty. They complain that, owing to a measure of uncertainty about the EMPEROR's personal appearance from day to day, they have large stocks thrown on their hands, and are reduced to a condition approaching bankruptcy. The crisis has been precipitated by the circumstance that, just when the combined trades, recovering from their first disaster, had produced a Christmas stock of portraits and busts, showing His Majesty with a beard, he shaved it off, and once more they have their goods returned on their hands. Prussian 3½ per Cents. have fallen to 83-85.

* * * * *

When Sir AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS read in the _Times_ that Signor LAGO had been granted the QUEEN's permission to prefix "Royal" to his opera entertainment at the Shaftesbury Theatre, it gave him so great a shock that, but for the opportune ("opera-tune," Sir AUGUSTUS jocosely put it) arrival of Dr. ROBSON ROUSTEM PASHA, the shock might have had a serious effect.

* * * * *

On Monday last, at half-past three, the King of SPAIN cut a new tooth, His Majesty's seventh acquisition in this class of property. The happy event was celebrated by a salute of seventeen guns.

"What's that?" asked His Majesty, awakened by the roar from his siesta.

"Sire," said the Field-Marshal commanding the troops, bringing his trusty Toledo to the salute, "your Majesty has condescended to cut a tooth."

"That's all very well to begin with," said the King; "but, when I grow a little older, I mean to cut a dash."

* * * * *

Previous to the appointment of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR, much speculation was indulged in as to the succession to the Leadership of the House of Commons. In Conservative circles there was an almost universal desire to see the place filled by a noble Baron well-known for the assiduity with which he arrives in town to transact business in Bouverie Street, returning to his country seat the same evening.

* * * * *

During the interval after it had been made known that the Leadership of the House of Commons had been offered to Mr. BALFOUR, and whilst his decision was anxiously awaited, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT was asked whether he thought the Chief Secretary would take the place.

"Who can say, TOBY _mio_?" answered the Squire, stroking his chin, with a far-away glance. "The situation reminds me of an incident that came under my notice when I represented Oxford borough. One of my constituents, a worthy pastor, had had a call to another and much wealthier church. He asked for time to consider the proposal. One afternoon, a fortnight later, I met his son in High Street, and inquired whether his father had decided to take the new place. 'Well,' said the youngster, 'Pa is still praying for light, but most of the things are packed.'"

* * * * *

We understand that an innovation will be introduced at Guildhall on the occasion of the Lord MAYOR's dinner. The Lord MAYOR elect being a Welshman, intends to substitute the leek for the loving cup. At the stage of the festival where the loving cup usually goes round, a dish of leeks will be passed along, and every guest will be expected publicly to eat one. This will necessitate an alteration in the time-honoured formula of the Toastmaster. On the 9th of November it will run: "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Right Hon. the Lord MAYOR pledges you with a loving leek, and bids you HALL a 'arty welcome."

* * * * *

OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.

(_BY CROESUS._)

[_Mr. Punch_ has decided that it is absolutely necessary for him to publish every week a financial article. The best treatises on Political Economy lay it down as an axiom that, where the desire for acquisition is universal, and the standard of value absolute, a balance between gain and loss can only be reached by the mathematical adjustment of _meum_ and _tuum_. Acting upon this principle, _Mr. Punch_ has, in the interests of everybody, retained the services of one of the most, if not _the_ most, eminent contemporary financiers, whom modesty alone prevents from signing his own name to his benevolent and comprehensive articles. Those, however, who care to look beneath the surface, will have no difficulty in determining the identity of one of the greatest modern monetary authorities, a man whose nod has before this shattered prosperous empires, and whose word is even better than his bond, could such a thing be possible. _Mr. Punch_ has only one thing to say to those who desire to be rich. It is this. Follow implicitly the advice of CROESUS.]

SIR,--You have asked me to devote some of my spare time to the enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with the money-markets of the world. The request is an easy one to make. You talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled millions of money, and could _at any moment_ put all the Directors of the Bank of England in his waistcoat pocket, had absolutely nothing to do except to devote himself to the affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure. When he is not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an audience the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free themselves from debt by adding largely to their public liabilities, when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely engaged, his mind must still busy itself with the details of all the immense concerns over which he, more or less, presides. However, I am willing to make an exception in your case, and to impart to you the ripe fruits of an experience which has no parallel in any country of the habitable globe. Without, therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.

(1.) _Mines_.--There can be no doubt that in this department a largely increased activity may soon be expected. I am aware that in "Shafts" there has been a downward tendency; but I am assured by the Secretary of the "Dodjâ Plant Co." (19½, 6/8, 54·2½, 7/8), that the prospects of this branch of investment were never more brilliant. The latest report of the Mining Expert sent out to investigate this mine, runs as follows:--

"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodjâ Plant. I can confidently state that I found no water, though there was evidence of large deposits of salt, which could be worked at an immense profit. The gold is abundant. I have crushed ten tons of quartz _with my own hands_, and found the yield in florins extraordinary. The natives guard the mouth of the mine. Please relieve promptly. My assistant became a Salmi yesterday."

There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last few words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the most important native bankers. The profession is only open to millionnaires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjâs.

(2.) _The Carbon Diamond Fields_.--The latest quotations are 14-5/8 to the dozen, with irregular falls. Carbon Prefs. unaltered. Trusts firm. This is a good investment for a poor man. In fact there could not be a better. No necessity to deal through an ordinary stockbroker. Wire "CROESUS, City." That will find me, and by return you shall have address of banker, to whom first deposit for cover must be immediately paid.

(3.) _Italian Cattivas_ quieter. A Correspondent asks--"What do you recommend a man who has laid by £20 to do in order to hold £1,000 at the end of a month?" I say at once, Try Cattivas (19-2/5 Def.; Deb. Stk. 14--15). Wire "CROESUS, City."

(4.) _South-African Pih Kroost_ short. Gold continues to be in good demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick profit out of a small sum, such as from two to five sovereigns, wire "CROESUS, City" anytime before 12·30. In all cases of telegraphing, the message must be "Reply-Paid," or no notice will be taken of the communication. Remember "Time is Money." Keep up a good supply of both, and you'll live to bless "CROESUS."

_Advice Gratis_.--Make (Brighton) "A," while the sun shines,

Inquiries as to _The Para Docks Company_, and _The Jerrie Myer Bilder Company_, I will answer squarely and fairly next week. Don't move in these without the straight and direct advice of "CROESUS."

As to the _Turpin, Sheppard, and Abershaw Highways Company_, I shall have something to say next week. Investors who want a real good thing, just hold your coin in hand for a week, till I say "Go," and then go it. This Company will be a big thing, _and, mind you, safe_.

For the present I close the account, to re-open it next week, and, to show my good faith, send you my subscription, which you may read here, as I subscribe myself, "CROESUS, CITY."

* * * * *

[Greek: THAE PROTEKTED PHEMALE.]

["For our part we do not believe in protected studies. Greek came into the Western world, poor and needy, three centuries ago. By her own unaided charms she has won her way. By those charms we believe that she will hold her own against all competitors until literature and civilisation are no more."--_Times_.]

Protected Greek! Protected Greek! BALFOUR may doubt, the _Times_ demur, And chattering "correspondents" seek Against the goddess strife to stir, But while the Senate rules, you bet, The Goths shan't smash the Grecians yet.

When Don meets Don injurious fray Then comes in sooth the tug of war; And on this memorable day They gather in from near and far, To whelm the unnatural ones who'd seek To set the "Grace" against the Greek.

SWETE looks on JEBB and JEBB on BROWNE, And BATESON looks on ROBERTSON SMITH. They cry, "Of WELLDON 'tis ill-done!" But THOMSON is a man of pith, And GRIMTHORPE, that scalp-hunting "Brave" Will tomahawk the "Modern" slave.

The Proctors sat with serious brow, Within the swarming Senate House, Voters in hundreds swarmed below, Fellows of scholarship and _nous_. They counted votes, and, when 'twas done, _Non-placets_ had it, three to one!

And where are they, Granta's fell foes, The champions of the Modern side? Five twenty-five emphatic "Noes" Have squelched their schemes, and dashed their pride. Hurroo! for those so prompt to vindicate Compulsory Greek against the Syndicate!

Thus sang, or would, or could, or should have sung, The modern Greek, in imitative verse; Meanwhile the Goddess, grave, though ever young, Stood, Psyche-like, untempted to rehearse The ragings--angrier ink was seldom slung-- Uttered by BYRON in Minerva's Curse. She simply stood, as stately-proud as Pallas, Looking so calm, some might have deemed her callous.

Amusing sight this game! _Don_ versus _Don_ Mixed in a sort of classic Donny brook. A lethal weapon is a Lexicon When rivals make a bludgeon of the book. By her unaided charms the Goddess won Her way. _This_ is the language of her look. (The Laureate's) "Judge thou me by what I am, "So shalt thou find me, fairest"--_sans_ Compulsory Cram!

* * * * *

BETWEEN THE ACTS.

SCENE--_Europe. The Great Powers discovered in Council._

_Russia_. Now, I think I have arranged matters fairly well. I shall myself lend a hand to France, and that will keep the balance decently level, so far as Germany is concerned.

_Germany_. Will it? I can fight you both!

_Austria_. Now, keep quiet. If we are to be partners, you must not be so impulsive.

_Italy_. Just what I say. Why can't he take it calmly!

_Russia_. Well, of course it's not my business; but if you want to break up the Triple Alliance, that's the way to do it! Well, then, France employed with you boys on the Rhine, I shall move down south, and quietly occupy Constantinople. Now, no one could object to that!

_Germany_. Why, I should, and so would Austria, wouldn't you?

_Austria_. Of course. But what could we do, if we were hard at work with France?

_Italy_. Yes; and fancy the Mediterranean becoming a Russian lake!

_Russia_. Oh, you would soon grow accustomed to it! Then I should move on to Afghanistan, and quietly make my way to India. But all this has to be done after the first step is taken. England must scuttle out of Egypt.

_England_. Scuttle out of Egypt? Why, certainly! After consideration! [_Left considering._

* * * * *

* * * * *

ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO.

What a prowd and appy day dear old Whales is about for to have on the werry next Lord Mare's Day, as is cumming, which it's the ninth of nex month, which it's nex Monday. Not only is wun of the werry populusest of living Welchmen a going for to be made Lord MARE on that werry day, but the Prince of WHALES hisself, who was inwited but karnt kum cos he's keepin' his hone Jewbilly at ome that appy and horspigious day. Praps Madam HADDYLEANER PATTY (wich is quite a Welch name) would kum up an give us a treat on this okashun.

Praps my enthewsiasm in the cause of Whales may be xcused when I reweals the fack that I am myself arf a Welchman, as my Mother was a reel one before me, and so, strange to say, was my Huncle, her Brother. There was sum idear of dressing me up as a Bard with a Arp, and I was to jine in when the rest on us struck up "_The March of the Men of Garlick_," but I prudently declined the temting horffer. I need scarcely say that Welch Rabbits will be a werry striking part of the Maynoo, being probably substituted for the Barrens of Beef.

I'm told as all the Ministers is a cumming.

BROWN, with his ushal raddicle imperence, says it's becoz they knos as it's for the larst time. Yes, much BROWN knos about it, when he sed jest the werry same thing larst year! I'm told as Mr. BALFOUR and Mr. GOSHEN is to be seated nex to each other, so that they can take the Loving Cup together. So that will be all rite. We are going to have a splendid Persession--the werry longest and the werry hinterestingest of moddern times! So I adwise all my many kyind paytrons and Country Cuzzins to "_cum erly_." There's no telling what dredful changes may take place in these horful rewolushunary times, and ewen the "Sacred Sho" may be stript of sum of its many attrackshuns, or ewen erbolished altogether! But that is, of course, only a fearfool wision, begotten, as SHAKSPEARE says, of too much supper last nite, "a praying on my eat-oppressed Brane!" No, no! There are things as is posserbel, and there are things as ain't, and them as ain't done werry often happen.

ROBERT.

* * * * *

THE TWO GRACES.

[Miss MAUDE MILLETT was at Cambridge last week, when the Grace of the Senate for an inquiry into the Compulsory Greek question was _placeted_ by a large majority.]

The tug of war, when Greek met Anti-Greek In deadly feud, was over in a trice. They spoke out promptly, when they had to speak-- They would not have the Grace at any price. But undergraduates of every race Flocked to the Theatre, each night to fill it. The Grace THEY _placeted_ was just the Grace Of one fair maiden--pretty Miss MAUDE MILLETT.

* * * * *

A CHILI PICKLE.--The following advertisement is sent us, extracted from the _Chilian Times_:--

CASA QUINTA!--TO LET in Viña del Mar the first story of a comfortable house, with beautiful garden and yard, situated in the finest part of the villa, and consisting of eight rooms, baths, gas, cellar and all other comforts, etc., against rent or board to a matrimony--Apply, &c., &c.

If Chilians can treat English like this, Americans will stand a poor chance "_against rent or board to a matrimony_." The terms of the lease in Chilian Legal English would probably "afford employment for the gentlemen of the long robe."

* * * * *

The _Observer_ recently warned us that--

"LOUISA Lady AILESBURY must not be confounded with MARIA Lady AILESBURY, who is the widow of the elder brother of her husband."

There is surely some misapprehension here. Lady "A." did not marry her deceased husband's brother, whether "elder" or younger.

* * * * *

THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.

NO. XIII.

SCENE--_A hundred yards or so from the top of Monte Generoso, above Lake Lugano. CULCHARD, who, with a crowd of other excursionists, has made the ascent by rail, is toiling up the steep and very slippery slope to the summit._

_Culchard_ (_to himself, as he stops to pant_). _More_ climbing! I thought this line was supposed to go to the top! But that's Italian all over--hem--as PODBURY would say! Wonder, by the way, if he expected to be asked to come with me. I've no reason for sacrificing myself like that any longer! (_He sighs._) Ah, HYPATIA, if you could know what a dreary disenchanted blank you have made of my life! And I who believed you capable of appreciating such devotion as mine!

_A Voice behind_. My! If I don't know that back I'll just give up! How've _you_ been getting along all this time, Mr. CULCHARD?

_Culch._ (_turning_). Miss TROTTER! A most delightful and--er--unexpected meeting, indeed!

_Miss Trotter_. Well, we came up on the cars in front of yours. We've taken rooms at the hotel up here. Poppa reckoned the air would be kind of fresher on the top of this mountain, and I don't believe but what he's right either. I guess I shall want another hairpin through _my_ hat. And are you still going around with Mr. PODBURY? As inseparable as ever, I presume?

_Culch._ Er--_about_ as inseparable. That is, we are still travelling together--only, on this particular afternoon--

_Miss T._ He went and got mislaid? I see. He used to stray considerable over in Germany, didn't he? Well, I'm real pleased to see _you_ anyway. And how's the poetry been panning out? I hope you've had a pretty good yield of sonnets?

_Culch._ (_to himself_). She's really grown distinctly prettier. She might show a little more _feeling_, though, considering we were almost, if not quite--(_Aloud._) So you remember my poor poems? I'm afraid I have not been very--er--prolific of late.

_Miss T._ You don't say! I should think you'd have had one to show for every day, with the date to it, like a new-laid egg.

_Culch._ Birds don't lay--er--I mean they don't _sing_, in the dark. My light has been--er--lacking of late.

_Miss T._ If that's intended for me, you ought to begin chirping right away. But you're not going to tell me you've been "lounjun round en sufferin'" like--wasn't it _Uncle Remus's_ Brer Terrapin? (_Catching_ C.'s _look of bewilderment._) What, don't you know _Uncle Remus_?

_Culch._ (_politely_). Mr. TROTTER is the only relation of yours I have had the pleasure of meeting, as yet.

_Miss T._ Why, I reckoned _Uncle Remus_ was pretty most everybody's relation by now. He's a book. But likely you've no use for our national humorous literature?

_Culch._ I--er--must confess I seldom waste time over the humorous literature of _any_ nation.

_Miss T._ I guess that accounts for your gaiety! There, don't you mind _me_, Mr. CULCHARD. But suppose we hurry along and inspect this panorama they talk so much of; it isn't going to be any sideshow. It's just a real representative mass-meeting of Swiss mountains, with every prominent peak in the country on the platform, and a deputation down below from the leading Italian lakes. It's ever so elegant,--and there's Poppa around on the top too.

_ON THE TOP. TOURISTS DISCOVERED MAKING MORE OR LESS APPROPRIATE REMARKS._

_First Tourist_ (_struggling with a long printed panorama, which flaps like a sail_). Grand view, Sir, get 'em all from here, you see! Monte Rosa, Matterhorn, Breithorn--

[_Works through them all conscientiously, until, much to everybody's relief, his panorama escapes into space._

_Second T._ (_a lady, with the air of a person making a discovery_). How wonderfully small everything looks down below!

_Third T._ (_a British Matron, with a talent for incongruity_). Yes, dear, very--_quite_ worth coming all this way for, but as I was telling you, we've always been accustomed to such an evangelical service, so that our new Rector is really _rather_--but we're quite _friendly_ of course; go there for tennis, and he dines with us, and all that. Still, I _do_ think, when it comes to having lighted candles in broad daylight--(&c., &c.)

_Fourth T._ (_an equally incongruous American_). Wa'al, yes, they show up well, cert'nly, those peaks do. But I was about to remark. Sir, I went to that particular establishment on Fleet Street. I called for a chop. And when it came, I don't deny I felt disappointed, for the plate all around was just as _dry_--! But the moment I struck a fork into that chop, Sir,--well, the way the gravy just came _gushing_ out was--there, it ain't no use me trying to put it in words! But from that instant, Sir, I kinder realised the peculiar charm of your British chop.

_Fifth T._ (_a discontented Teuton_). I exbected more as zis. It is nod glear enough--nod at all. Zey dolt me from ze dop you see Milan. I look all aroundt. Novere I see Milan! And I lief my obera-glass behint me in ze drain, and I slib on ze grass and sbrain my mittle finger, and altogedder I do not vish I had com.

_Miss T._ (_presenting CULCHARD to Mr. CYRUS K.T._). I guess you've met _this_ gentleman before!

_Mr. T._ Well now, that's _so_. I didn't just reckon I'd meet him again all this way above the sea-level though, but I'm just as pleased to see him. Rode up on the cars, I presume, Sir? Tolerable hilly road all the way, _ain't_ it now? There cann't anybody say we hain' made the most of _our_ time since you left us. Took a run over to Berlin; had two hours and a haff in that city, and I dunno as I keered about making a more pro-tracted visit. Went right through to Vi-enna, saw round Vi-enna. I did want, being so near, to just waltz into Turkey and see that. But I guess Turkey'll have to keep till next time. Then back again into Switzerland, for I do seem to have kinder taken a fancy to Switzerland. I'd like to have put in more time there, and we stayed best part of a week too! But Italy's an interesting place. Yes, I'm getting considerable interested in Italy, so far as I've got. There's Geneva now--

_Miss T._ You do beat anything for mixing up places, Father. And you don't want to be letting yourself loose on Mr. CULCHARD this way. You'd better go and bring Mr. VAN BOODELER along; he's round somewhere.

_Mr. T._ I do like slinging off when I meet a friend; but I'll shut down, MAUD, I'll shut down.

_Miss T._ Oh, there you are, CHARLEY! Come right here, and be introduced to Mr. CULCHARD. He's a vurry intelligent man. My cousin, Mr. CHARLES VAN BOODELER,--Mr. CULCHARD. Mr. VAN BOODELER's intelligent too. He's going to write our great National Amurrcan novel, soon as ever he has time for it. That's so, isn't it?

_Mr. V.B._ (_a slim, pale young man, with a cosmopolitan air and a languid drawl_). It's our most pressing national need, Sir, and I have long cherished the intention of supplying it. I am collecting material, and, when the psychological moment arrives, I shall write that novel. And I believe it will be a big thing, a very big thing; I mean to make it a complete compendium of every phase of our great and complicated civilisation from State to State and from shore to shore. [CULCHARD _bows vaguely._