Chapter 3

_First Pass._ (_enthusiastically_). And what if they do, Sir--what if they do? Have we no duty to our fellow man? Ought we not to sacrifice something on his behalf--for his sake? And, my dear Sir, I speak all the more dispassionately, because my rates are paid--_by my Landlord!_ [_Curtain._

* * * * *

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--"HISTORICAL GARDENER."--Yes, certainly--it was "The Gallows-tree," from which "The Hanging Gardens of Babylon" took their name. Any school-boy knows this.--"INQUIRING BUOY."--No; the Nore Light is not a candelabraham.

* * * * *

HOW IT'S DONE!

DEAREST MADGE,

You have asked me to tell you some scandal! You seem to forget how I hate such a theme-- How I loathe and detest every girl who's a Vandal, Destroying that fine work of Art, Nature's Scheme. Why, I _never_ talk scandal, you goose, and you know it; It's no fascination whatever to _me_. I _could_ tell some, of course, for we county folk grow it Like so many apples and pears on a tree.

I repeat, I detest such a thing beyond measure. I'm not like dear MAUD, who my husband declares Was invented and made to exist on the pleasure Of dragging to light other people's affairs. _She_ would forward you scandalous tales by the dozen-- There's no one like _her_ if you want any news. I declare she's as bad as her wretch of a cousin, Who's bolted with Major FITZ-DASH, of the Blues.

Now, for instance, she told me (in confidence, mind you) That Captain BLANK CARTRIDGE, when playing at Nap, Has an odious habit of getting behind you, And calling according to what's on your lap. (By the way, we have only just heard that the Major, Who gave Lady B. such a beautiful horse, Is a perfect _Don Juan_, and quite an old stager At playing a prominent part in divorce.)

More than that, she assures me (although I don't doubt it) That D., though apparently sober and staid, Is a flirt, and that people are talking about it Indignantly here. And it's true, I'm afraid; For I heard Mrs. PARSONS, the wife of the Vicar, Inform Countess C. (who's forgiven, you know) That each day she appears to get thicker and thicker With N., though engaged to be married to O.

MAUD has written to mother, and said in her letter (Marked "private ") that T., who has taken to drink, And been sent to a sort of a home, is no better, And quenches his thirst, when he can, with the ink. And the Dowager Duchess of M. (the old sinner!) Has dropped all the money she had backing gees; While the Colonel, who's said to have spotted the winner, Owns most of the horses that _lost_, if you please!

But dear MAUD is the one for the news that's exciting. You've wasted your paper in sending to _me_. I would just as soon think, love, of flying as writing _One word_ of the scandal of afternoon tea. Give my love to your mother, and kisses to DORA-- (She's doing the season with you, I presume?) And believe me your ever affectionate, FLORA.

P.S. Mrs. K. has eloped with her groom!

_Scandal Hall, Torking_.

* * * * *

ONLY FANCY!

We find the following paragraph in a contemporary:--

A meeting on the Somersetshire floods has been summoned by the Earl of CORK, Lord-Lieutenant of the County, for to-morrow, at Bridgewater.

We are bound to observe that this arrangement displays a lamentable lack of consideration for others on the part of the noble convener. It is all very well for the Earl of CORK to select the Somersetshire floods for a place of meeting. But whilst CORK is bobbing up and down, buoyantly enjoying himself, what is to become of ordinary persons foregathered in such circumstances? We presume that boats, or at least life-belts, will be provided for the movers and seconders of the various resolutions. Or does Bridgewater cover everything?

* * * * *

Walking down St. James' Street the other day, whom should we meet but the Earl of PORTSMOUTH, long known in the House of Commons as Lord LYMINGTON. Opportunity was taken to inquire whether a recent event in South Molton had led to any estrangement between his Lordship and his former constituents.

"No, TOBY," said the belted Earl; "I think I may say, that, between me and my old constituents, the wing of friendship has not Molton a feather."

* * * * *

In the foregoing paragraph, the phrase "belted Earl," is used advisedly. At the period of which Sir WALTER SCOTT wrote (_vide_ any of his novels) it will be found that members of this rank of the Peerage are all spoken of as belted. For some time the fashion fell out of use. The belt was appropriately revived by the late Earl of BEACONSFIELD, and is now quite a common thing with the aristocracy. The Earl of SELBORNE is very particular about the fit and cut of his.

* * * * *

Mr. BOYCE, in his interesting and picturesque work, _Snowdon and Rained Upon_, insists on the desirability of taking only a light luncheon when engaged upon a pedestrian tour. He adds, "I walked up Snowdon on two hard-boiled eggs." The remark seems scarcely relevant, but it records a notable achievement. Considering the height of Snowdon, and the occasional stoniness of the path, to walk up it on two eggs, howsoever hard-boiled, is a feat that puts in the shade the Music-hall trick of riding up an inclined plane of rope on a bicycle. Mr. BOYCE does not say what he came down upon. Probably his back.

* * * * *

We hear from Munich that underneath the motto, _Suprema lex regis voluntas_, written in the Visitors' Book by the Emperor of GERMANY, there now appears the following line--_Rex est major singulis, minor universis_. Herr HITHERCLIFT, the well-known German authority, having made a careful examination of the page, states his opinion that the handwriting is that of Prince BISMARCK, or is an excellent imitation.

* * * * *

A WARLIKE TALE FROM THE PACIFIC.

(_FRAGMENT FROM THE POSSIBLE DIARY OF A REALISTIC NOVELIST._)

Well, now I think I have got matters pretty straight. The question is, whether the Baron will accept my last message as chaff, or resent it. Let me see, how does it read--"It is suggested, for the President's consideration, that rumours uncorrected or unexplained acquire almost the force of admitted truth." Quite so--so they do. Let me see--"That any want of confidence between the governed and the Government must be hurtful"--well, to us both. Yes! That's all right. So it will! Lastly, "That the rumours, in their present form, tend to damage the white races in the native mind, and to influence for the worse the manners of the Samoans." Now, that _ought_ to fetch him! A wink is as good as a nod to a blind pig! However, he is quite ass enough to do nothing! Everybody saying that he is going to blow us all up, himself included! Why it's enough to make the natives rise and kill every white man in the place. Still, good idea for a story.

_Later_. The idiot! Instead of promptly denying the facts, he says he won't have anything to do with us, because "we care so little for the correctness of the facts we deal with." We only asked for information. Are we going to be blown into smithereens, or are we not? That's the point, and he won't tell us! Wants to know what business it is of ours? The situation is decidedly dramatic--but unpleasant!

_Later Still_.--Have replied that "the matter very much concerns us." Tell him, we wrote, not for protection, but for information. "Are we going to be blown up, or are we not?" An answer will oblige.

_A Little Later_.--No, he is not to be drawn. Won't swerve an inch. So now we are trying another dodge. Will he resign his dual office? He says he will resign one. But he knows that won't do. If he remains chief adviser to the King, we shall be nowhere. His last idea is to resign the Presidentship of the Municipal Council. Why, we are the Council, and we should have kicked him out if he hadn't! Very funny, but it's hard to laugh when one's within an ace of a massacre or an explosion.

_Latest_.--Still in doubt. However, have a subject for something in the dramatic line. What the entertainment will be, depends upon the future development of the plot. At present it may turn out a Tragedy--or an _Opéra-bouffe_.

* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.