Chapter 3

We regret to hear that Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR, M.P. (known in the House of Commons as "Long JOHN"), has decided to retire from political life. His personal experience during the Cork Election has convinced him that no man over 5 ft. 8 in. can safely take part in active politics.

"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which flew harmless over the heads of the crowd, invariably struck me," said Mr. O'CONNOR, toying with the bandage over his left eyebrow.

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It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr. GUTTERIDGE was not present when the final result of the polling in the Strand was made known, and that it was explained to the reporter he had been "called out to see a patient." The suggestion that the undertaking of this hopeless contest was designed solely to lead up to this incident, is one worthy only of the diseased imagination of a professional rival, who has no patients to call him out--even from Church.

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It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP is about to retire from his supervision of universal affairs exercised through the Special Paris Wire of a contemporary. We are glad to learn that this intention does not in any case imply absolute disappearance from the European Stage. It is no secret in diplomatic circles that the Herr has been approached on the question of his ascending the throne of Bulgaria. His keen insight into European politics has convinced him that this arrangement would afford a settlement of an ever-ruffled question. He has, we understand, stipulated that the Principality shall be raised to the status of a Kingdom. "I have," he said to the Emissary of the Powers who approached him on the subject, "been so long accustomed to associate with Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I should feel like a fish out of water."

With his usual considerateness, Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has recognised the inconvenience that would be imposed on his subjects, if, in daily use, they were obliged to refer to him by his full title. He will, therefore, deign to be known on coins, postage-stamps, and in semi-official communications, as TROMP THE FIRST.

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There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. JOHN MORLEY, Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT waited upon Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and asked him to name a friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman "mentioned" Mr. JESSE COLLINGS; and that the two seconds have arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour doubtless arose out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between the two former friends has been carried on in the columns of the _Times_.

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According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of acceptance by the Prince of WALES, as President of Bartholomew's Hospital, of "the portrait of Sir SYDNEY WATERLOW, the Treasurer," the portrait "occupied a prominent position on the platform, and the Hon. Baronet sat immediately in front of it." We learn that this arrangement led to some misunderstanding, people, on entering, not at first knowing which was the portrait, and which was Sir SYDNEY.

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ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION.

_First Voice._ I hear that you wish to give your evidence before this Commission?

_Second Voice._ Certainly, that is my desire. I am here to speak in the name of my fellow-labourers, and----

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in favour of Trade Unions?

_Second V._ I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet in mighty conflict, there is only--

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you believe that strikes are beneficial?

_Second V._ I do consider them beneficial, most beneficial. I feel that labour must have its rights, and that the white dove of liberty has only to--

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in favour of arbitration?

_Second V._ No, I am not. For when DIVES meets the beggars, then the cry of labour rises on the stilly night, and--

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And may I ask to what trade you belong?

_Second V._ I belong to none. Every thinking and right-minded man should care for his fellows as himself. Like an eagle on a snow-capped mountain, he should--

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. Then may we ask, if you belong to no trade, what is your occupation?

_Second V._ My occupation is to talk to--

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do!

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NOTICE TO PROBABLE IRISH OBJECTORS ON BOTH SIDES.--The Novel that _Mr. Punch_ so recently praised, entitled _Tim_, is neither Irish nor political. Both sides can buy and enjoy it. A Parnellite author is thinking of adapting DICKENS, and bringing out a new version of an old_ Christmas book, to be entitled _Tiny Tim._

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OLD TIMES REVIVED.--The New Lord Mayor. Gracious EVANS!! "And," asks a middle-aged Correspondent, "during this Mayoralty will the Munching House be known as EVANS'S?"

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