Chapter 3

Curative Music? Just as well expect An Influenza-cure from Demogorgon! Some dolts there be, no doubt, who would detect Anodyne influence in a barrel-organ; A febrifuge in a flat German Band, A prophylactic in a street-piano! Some quackery a man _can_ understand, But Music I'll _not_ take, even _cum grano_. I don't believe what classic noodles say, That Music stopped the hæmorrhage of ULYSSES; That CATO'S stiffened joints attained free play From harmony of sounds. Such "rot" sense hisses. I'd just as soon believe the Theban walls Were twangled into place by young Amphion. Bah! Minds made sane by Music's scrapes and squalls? Not _mine_, though the lyre-thrumber were Arion. Drums, trumpets, fiddles, organs--_all_ are bad. And vocal fireworks are far worse than vanity. Stop, though! _I_'m sane, and they just drive me mad; So Music _may_ drive _idiots_ into sanity!

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Tuesday, June 23_, 12'15 A.M.--House just adjourned; a little dazed by shock of narrow escape from grievous danger. Been at it through greater part of night debating Second Reading of Education Bill. JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON led off with speech of fiery eloquence. The SQUIRE of MALWOOD declares he never listens to J.A.P. without an odd feeling that there have been misfits. Both his voice and his gestures are, he says, too large for him. But that, as ALGERNON BORTHWICK shrewdly points out, is professional jealousy supervening on the arrogance of excessive stature. The SQUIRE, though not lacking in moods of generosity, cannot abear a rival in the oratorical field. Had things turned out differently to-night, he might have enjoyed the advantage of addressing House at this favourable hour, whilst its withers were yet unwrung.

But JULIUS 'ANNIBAL has not studied his great ancestor's strategy for nothing. As soon as Second Reading of Education Bill appeared on the paper, he romped in, and put down Amendment. Needn't move it; didn't mean to move it; doesn't move it; but he gets first place in principal Debate of Session, and shows himself worthy of it by the luminous argument and almost passionate eloquence of his oration.

It wasn't that the House was disturbed about. The particular incident arose a quarter of an hour before midnight, when CRANBORNE suddenly got up and moved Adjournment of Debate. J.A. had bowled him and others over in the earlier part of the Sitting; but there was a second night, and the HOPE of HATFIELD determined he would collar that. Had the Motion for Adjournment been accepted, he would, in accordance with usage, have opened the ball when the House met again once more, fresh, and in the mood to listen. But JOKIM objected to losing the quarter of an hour.

"We can," he said, pleasantly, "bear another speech."

All right; CRANBORNE only a private Member, and modest withal; not the person to argue with his pastors and masters. So resumed his seat. If they wanted to use up the time, let some one else speak through the quarter of an hour. Had things been so left, the listening Senate and the waiting world would never have heard CRANBORNE in this Debate. As the SPEAKER gently pointed out to him, having moved the Amendment he had exhausted his privilege of speaking. He might sustain his thesis at any length, or, being on his legs, might continue the Debate without insisting on his Motion for the Adjournment. But he must speak now, or for ever hold his tongue as far as the Debate was concerned. This was awkward; but no help for it; so CRANBORNE plunged in and talked up to midnight, when the Debate stood adjourned.

_Business done_.--Second Reading of Education Bill moved.

_Tuesday_.--Another night with Education Bill. Position rather peculiar; everyone, or nearly everyone, in state of frantic adulation of the measure; and yet everyone passing the cradle in which the infant slumbers gives it a sly pinch. Here and there a Ministerialist gets up and honestly denounces a Bill embodying principle which Conservatives been led for generations to denounce. BARTLEY last night made capital speech in this sense. To-night LAWRENCE bluntly declares his regret that good Tories should be asked to support principles which they, under their present Leaders, violently opposed at General Election of 1885. ADDISON blandly and persuasively attempts to stem this growing torrent of discontent. "The change of opinion on this side of the House," he said, hitching on one side an imaginary wig, clutching at an imperceptible gown, and turning over the pages of an impalpable brief, "is owing to the fact that circumstances and times have altered. It is the duty of statesmen,"--and here ADDISON, like another Fat Boy known to history, wisibly swelled,--"to adapt themselves to the necessities of the case."

JENNINGS, speaking from the Bench immediately behind ADDISON, had no patience with this kind of argument. "Six years I've sat in this House, Mr. SPEAKER," he said, "and during that time have seen measures which we Conservatives have been encouraged, almost instructed, to denounce, cordially received by our Leaders and passed into law. For my part, I cannot flourish on this diet of broken pledges. One might eat of it now and then, but when continually invited to the same dish, it becomes a little monotonous."

OLD MORALITY happily out of the way of hearing all this. Gone off, and wisely left no address. People walking along Downing Street, find written over the door at the Treasury, "Back in Ten Minutes." That's all; neither date nor hour specified. Ten minutes roll on, and OLD MORALITY comes not. But he sometimes communicates with his most intimate friends. Have this morning a note from him.

"I send these few lines," he writes, "hoping they will find you well as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine have fallen in pleasanter places than yours, or JOKIM'S chance to be just now. Some people are inclined to deny me the faculty of humour. But I think the merry-go-rounder of leaving JOKIM in charge of the Free Education Bill is pretty well for a beginner. Everything must have a commencement. Now I've started I may in time become a regular JOSEPH MILLER. Excuse my not mentioning my present address, and be sure that wherever I am, I am animated solely by desire to do my duty to Queen and Country, and to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the House they may sit. If you want to write to me, address 'Mr. SMITH, England.' I have reason to believe that so perfect is the machinery of the Post Office under the direction of my Right Hon. friend, that the missive thus directed will not fail to reach its destination."

_Business done_.--On Second Reading of Education Bill.

_Thursday_.--An old acquaintance looked in at Lobby to-night. When he was here, we used to call him LONG LAWRENCE. Now he is one of Her MAJESTY'S Judges, and we must behave to him as such.

"How're you getting on here, TOBY?" he said, just as friendly as if he were still at the Bar.

"As your Ludship pleases," I replied, too old a Parliamentary Hand to be inveigled into familiarity by his unassuming manner.

Fact is, as, on his further entreaty, I proceeded to explain to the learned Judge, we are getting on very well indeed. Truce been called in party conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G. is absent on sick leave--not keeping out of the way of Education Bill, as some will have it. OLD MORALITY back to-night; came down in a penny 'bus, in final effort to elude discovery of his place of recent retreat. PARNELL also absent; news comes to-night that his business is matrimonial; graphic accounts current of his expedition "in a one-horse vehicle" from Brighton to Steyning.

"If," says his Ludship, fresh from a Criminal Court, "he had been committing, a burglary, and was getting off with the loot in the one-horse O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller precautions to evade pursuit."

At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured often before. Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, the detail: "The ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. PARNELL drove away in the direction of Bramber, Mrs. PARNELL taking the whip and reins."

"Ah!" said DICK POWER, "that's KITTY, and no mistake. She always takes the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the trick's done."

SQUIRE of MALWOOD faithful at his post, but he, too, observant of the Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest Session ever lived through, and chiefly anxious to bring it to an end.

_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply.

_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase Bill read Second Time, after series of essays delivered by half dozen Peers. Point of honour not to take less than one hour in delivery. DERBY brought down his contribution nicely written out on quarter sheets. Whilst ASHBOURNE declaiming, DERBY seized opportunity to read his speech over to himself. This all very well if he had strictly carried out intention, but, when he grew so interested in it as to mumble passages in an audible voice, situation grew embarrassing. At last KIMBERLEY, who sat near, gently nudged him. "One at a time, my dear DERBY," he whispered. "We know you're accustomed to dual action. DARBY and JOAN, you know; but won't do here."

DERBY blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn came, when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud.

_Business done_.--Irish Land Bill through Lords; Public Health Bill in Commons.

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MISS NOMER.

Now why was _The Dancing Girl_ ever called _The Dancing Girl_ at all? As a matter of fact she never did dance, and from last week's advertisements we find that she has been "running" ever since her first appearance. Now she's off for another run in the provinces, and then back again. Quite a theatrical illustration of the sporting term "running in and out." And when Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is in the provinces he is to appear as the _Prince of Denmark_.

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THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS' GUIDE TO THE ARMY.

(_Arranged in Question and Answer Form._)

_Question_. I may take it that the backbone of the British Army (especially in the time of peace) are those commissioned warriors who obtained admission to the Service by paying for their footing?

_Answer_. Indeed you may.

_Q._ And, at the time when these warriors were admitted, I fancy the scientific branches of the Force (the "Gunners" and the "Sappers") were rather looked down upon than otherwise?

_A._ Certainly, for you see they obtained their Commissions by brains, and not through money-bags.

_Q._ And now you have to complain that the Generals' Establishment has been reduced from 275 to 68?

_A._ A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a certain number of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, instead of hanging down from the left shoulder.

_Q._ Does not promotion by selection, instead of seniority, cause you also considerable loss?

_A._ Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right to suppose that once gazetted he would go up to the top of the tree, always supposing he was able to pay his way like an officer and a gentleman.

_Q._ Is it not also sad that Officers who accept half-pay should be called upon to serve in the Auxiliary Forces?

_A._ Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified.

_Q._ And do you not object to your condition generally?

_A._ Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is _the_ burning one of the hour!

_Q._ And what do you think of other matters affecting the welfare of the Army?

_A_. That they are merely details that can safely wait indefinitely the consideration of the Authorities!

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THE "WHETHER" AND THE PARKS.

To ask The RANGER and the Right Honourable Mr. PLUNKET, or "_Plunketto_," as the name appears in the opera of _Marta_--

_Whether_ there cannot be some improvement made in that Despondent Slough known as Rotten Row?

_Whether_ Kensington Gardens, now sacred to nursery-maids and their charges, and a few loungers, couldn't be opened up with one or two good rides right across, and a few intersecting bridle-paths, after the fashion of the Bois de Boulogne, and thus relieve the monotony of the Row, which is getting more and more Rotten after every shower, and more and more crowded every summer?

_Whether_, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, something cannot be done in time for the season of 1892?

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-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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