Chapter 1

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 101.

July 4, 1891.

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URBI ET ORBI.

Mr. PUNCH returns thanks for the anticipatory congratulations on the occasion of his Jubilee, and takes this opportunity of informing his friends--which means Everybody Everywhere--that the 50th anniversary of his natal day is July 18 _prox._, which day Mr. PUNCH hereby gives full and entire permission to the aforesaid Everyone Everywhere to keep as a whole Holiday, and do in a general way, and to the utmost of their ability, just exactly what best pleases them.

PUNCH.

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THE CHANTREY BEQUEST À LA MODE DE LISLE.

["Mr. DE LISLE wished the Government to veto any pictures purchased under the Chantrey Bequest that did not meet with their approval."--_Daily Paper._]

SCENE--_A Studio in the Royal Academy. The_ President _and several_ Members of the Council _waiting arrival of Government to inspect their most recent purchase._

_President_ (_with assumed joviality_). Well, my dear Colleagues, I do not think exception _can_ be taken to this composition. Simple and effective, is it not?

_First Member of Council_ (_gloomily_). Oh, you never know! I think we ought to have opposed the admission of the Cabinet--what should _they_ know about Art?

_Second Mem_. (_drily_). Enough to make speeches at the annual dinner--to which they wouldn't come if we snubbed them.

_First Mem_. What of that? I am sure the President is quite eloquent enough to stand alone.

_Pres_. (_with a graceful bow_). You are most kind. But, hush! here comes Lord SALISBURY!

_Enter the_ PRIME MINISTER. _Cordial greetings._

_Premier_ (_briskly_). I am sure you will forgive me if I get through this quickly. (_Looking at picture._) Hm! Yes, very nice; but _did_ EDWARD the Black Prince wear his Garter ribbon in battle? I am sure I refrain from appearing in mine under similar circumstances. (_To_ Pres.) Do you think the Artist could paint it out?

_Pres_. I feel sure he will do everything in his power to satisfy your Lordship's artistic instincts.

_Premier_. Just so.

[_Exit_ R. _when enter_ FIRST LORD of the TREASURY, L.

_Pres_. (_greeting new-comer cordially_). Most glad to see you, my dear Right Hon. Sir!

_First Lord_. Very good indeed of you to say so, but am always anxious to do my duty to my Queen and Country. (_Gazing at picture._) Hm! Not bad! But, I say, I do know something of yachting, and that isn't the way to brace up the marling-spike to the fokesell yard with the main jibboom three points in a wind with some East in it! If I may venture a suggestion--hope Artist will paint out the gondola. Ta-ta! A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. [_Exit._

_Pres_. Well, well, I do not know what our friend will think of the matter, but perhaps the Hansom of Venice _is_ a little superfluous. Why here is the HOME SECRETARY.

[_Enter that august personage--mutual greeting._

_Home Sec_. (_examining picture_). Yes, very nice. Just my idea of what a historical picture _should_ be! Sea-view very fair indeed, and I think that the suggestion of the presentation at Court is also extremely neat. The Black Prince, perhaps, a little near OLIVER CROMWELL, but then that is a detail that will not challenge particular attention. I like too the view of Vauxhall Gardens--very good, indeed! But why should a scene of this great historical importance be laid in Charing Cross during a labour demonstration?

_Pres_. (_frankly_). I cannot say that I have looked up all my authorities, but I do not think our friend would allow himself to be wrong on so important a point.

_Home Sec_. Well, I think it would be in better taste if the Artist cut out that stampede of police--it is not true to nature! [_Exit._

_Pres_. There _may_ be something in what he says, but I do wish these amateurs would keep their suggestions to themselves.

_Enter_ FIRST LORD of the ADMIRALTY.

_Pres_. (_cordially_). My dear Lord, delighted to see you--what do you think of it?

_First Lord_. Hm! Yes! Perhaps! But, I say, what right has the Artist to put the white ensign on the top of that light-house? It's against the regulations--they should be flying the Trinity House flag--if anything. That _must_ come out, you know--it really must! [_Exit._

_Pres_. Silly blunder, but it can be easily remedied. Ah! the Secretary of State for War! (_Enter that official_) Well, Mr. STANHOPE, and how do _you_ like the new purchase?

_War Minister_ (_after, a glance at the canvas_). Tol lol. But come, I say, come; the Iron Duke never wore a hat like _that_! And, I say, as it isn't raining, why has he put up his umbrella? In the cause of historical accuracy that should not be allowed. [_Exit._

_Pres_. (_drily_). I am afraid our friend will have enough to do. (_Enter the remainder of the Cabinet together_). Well, Gentlemen--hope you approve of our purchase?

_Remainder_ (_together_). Not at all. You should have only bought the frame! [_Scene closes in on the consideration of this new point._

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* * * * *

MR. PUNCH EXPLAINS.

[_Last week Mr. Punch congratulated King HENRY'S "holy shade" on the Four-hundredth Anniversary of the Foundation of Eton College._]

To _Mr. Punch's_ friends, who think he blundered, In thinking Eton's years were just four hundred, And acted quite in error when he paid Congratulations to King HENRY'S "shade," A word of explanation now is due, To show how what he stated then was true. The word is this--that fifty years have now Elapsed since _Mr. Punch_ first made his bow; And though since then with many friends he's parted, Himself he is as young as when he started. Just fifty years ago it now appears That fair Etona claimed four hundred years. Ungallant it had been if one had told her That _Mr. Punch_ kept young whilst she grew older! Yet if it is indeed the Fourth Centenary Or Jubilee the Ninth since holy 'ENERY Became the founder of a Royal College-- Well, _Mr. Punch_ prefers to have no knowledge. He only does not know--has never known a More worthy toast than "_Floreat Etona!_"

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THE NEW CRUSADERS.

["Kaiser Wilhelm, according to a Berlin Journal, has given his consent to a lottery being instituted throughout the Empire 'for combating the slave trade in Africa.' Tickets to the amount of eight millions of marks will be issued, five and a half millions of which will be devoted to prizes."--_Daily Telegraph Berlin Correspondent_.]

KNIGHTS-ERRANT of earth's earlier days, Might learn from WILHELM KAISER. They risked their lives in Paynim frays, We moderns have grown wiser. 'Tis not enough by Big Bazaars To buttress Churches tottery; We, with the dice "financing" wars, Conduct Crusades--by Lottery!

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LIVE AND LEARN.--Mr. PARKINSON will now probably admit that the foolish process known as "breaking a butterfly on a wheel" may bring the breaker woe.

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SHAKSPEARE AND NORTH, NOT CHRISTOPHER.

Colonel NORTH is popularly supposed to have been the architect of his own fortune, but he doesn't seem to have profited much by his architectural knowledge when applied to house-building. The burly Colonel--we forget at this moment what regiment is under his distinguished command--has met many a great personage in his time, but, like the eminent barbarian who encountered a Christian Archbishop for the first time--St. Ambrose, we rather think it was, but no matter--our bold Colonel had to climb down a bit on coming face to face with the Lord Chief Justice of England. What a cast for a scene out of _Henry the Fourth! Falstaff_, Colonel NORTH, and My Lord COLERIDGE for the _Lord Chief Justice_. The scene might be Part II., Act ii., Scene 1, when the Lord Chief says to _Sir John_, "You speak as having power to do wrong; but answer, in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman,"--only for "woman," read "architect." Curious that the name of GAMBLE should be the pre-surname of Mister Colonel NORTH'S brother. What's in a name? Yet there's a good deal in the sound and look of GAMBLE NORTH, especially when up before the Lord Chief, who must quite recently have got hold of quite a little library of useful knowledge. Also odd that most of Mr. NORTH'S money seems to have been made in the South. But "A 1," that is, the architect, won, and the gallant Mister Colonel, or Colonel Mister, left the Court, feeling comparatively A-Norther man. Never mind, even the Millionairey Colonel can't always be lucky.

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S QUOTATION BOOK.

I.--FOR INFERIOR CHAMPAGNE.

'How mad and bad and sad it was-- But then, how it was sweet!"--BROWNING.

II.--FOR MR. GLADSTONE.

"Et longa canoros Dant per colla modos."--VIRGIL.

III.--FOR THE NEW BISHOP OF LICHFIELD.

"Gaiter.--A covering for the leg."--ENGLISH DICTIONARY.

IV.--FOR A TENNIS-PLAYER, IMPRISONED BY BAD WEATHER.

"They also serve who only stand and wait."--MILTON.

* * * * *

AT ST. JAMES'S HALL.--Hair PADDY REWSKI is a pianofortist up to the time and tune of day. Knowing that _L'Enfant Prodigue_ is now all the go, he keeps himself up to date by performing the Musical Prodigy Son's, I mean MENDELSSOHN'S "Songs without Words;" and this so effectively, that the last wordless song he was obliged to repeat, and much obliged the audience by repeating. Then the good fellar played _La Campanella_, Which I prefer to _Gentle Zitella_, The Princess LOUISE, &c., were there, and "&c." was really looking uncommonly well considering the heat. Bravo, PADDY REWSKI! Ould Ireland for ever!

* * * * *

OFF TO MASHERLAND.

(_By Our Own Grandolph._)

(FIRST LETTER--A.)

1.--_From Paddington to the first comma is a comparatively slight stop._

Left Paddington. Was compelled to leave Paddington, as train started from that station. "The Great Western!" What boundless ideas are suggested by this title, &c., &c. (_This part I'll send to Daily Graphic._)

REASONS FOR THE JOURNEY.

Well, never mind my reasons. I had made up my mind to go. That's enough. "_Marlbrook s'en va t'en guerre," mais_ as MARLBROOK Junior I may say, "_Je reviendrai."_ Politics to the winds! or, colloquially, Politics be blowed! I'm off to TOM TIDDLER'S ground. Nice fellow, TIDDLER. Knew him years ago. He is now a Limited Company, "TIDDLER & Co."

THE COMPOSITION OF THE PARTY.

Well, you know what it was once upon a time. There was A BALFOUR--beg pardon, should say, THE BALFOUR--and DRUMMY WOLFFY, and _De_ GORSTIBUS _non disputandum_ ("no arguing with GORST"), and self. As good a quartette, though I say it who shouldn't, as ever sat down to a concerted piece, with myself as First Fiddle. But now--"Where am dat barty now?"--I don't know if I quote correctly; quoting correctly is not my _forte_. "Dat barty," suggests WOLFF; he was the "barty" of our party, in the merry days of old. Now--none of 'em here, and I with my ink-stand before me, a pencil, a pen, note-books galore, and any amount of foolscap, represent "the composition" of our party. I must get on with my "compo." Is reminds me of doing a "Theme" at Eton. This is a holiday task. One, two, three, off!--and away!

ALL ABROAD.

Before I know where we are, so to speak, we have left London, and are at Lisbon. On the voyage Captain G. WILLIAMS suggests these lines, to which I append my own translation. BALFOUR rather behind me in Latin at Eton (I hear by private wire that he admitted as much in his recent speech at the fourth centenary celebration), and so, perhaps, couldn't give the translation as easily as I do. Here is the Captain's reminiscence, and my translation when he isn't looking:--

"Ille terrarum mihi præter omnes Angulus ridet, ubi non Hymetto Melle decedunt, viridique certat Bacca Venafro.

"Vir ubi longum tepidusque præbet Jupiter brumas, et amicus Aulon, Fertili Baccho nimium Falernis Invidet uvis."

Which translated means:--

He, the Englishman (_Angulus_), beside me (that is, "sitting on deck by my side") laughs at all people on shore when he is quite certain (_certat_) that he can't get good tobacco from VENAFER'S (a local tobacconist). (This) man prefers the long clay pipe, which gets so soon hot, for, by Jove, you'll burn yourself (_brumas_), and being a friend of AULON'S ("all on," local joke), he envies those who can smoke the green tobacco, and doesn't wonder that they go in for Falernian (_classic metaphor for Cape wine_).

I think that's pretty good for an old Etonian who could give BALFOUR (the "Four" of the Fourth Party, a four-oar without a steerer) a mile over any course of VIRGIL or OVID, and beat him easily.

WHERE ARE WE NOW?

_En route_, called on the Bey of Biscay. Found him in amiable temper--not a bit rough. Lisbon delightful. Chatsworth not in it with the smallest flower-and-kitchen garden here. Dined at the "Brag"--short for Braganza. Suddenly inspired--wrote drinking song:--

_Sancho Panza_ At Braganza, Quaffed no end of cup, But _Don Quixit_ Said "Don't mix it-- Let us go and sup."

Have composed my own music to this--call it my musical cup-yright. Shan't publish it, for fear of pirates. No other rates at sea, except pi-rates, and the rate we're now going at--i.e., two knots an hour, and ties pay the dealer. Hoorah! I enclose portrait of self after the above symposium, carried round the town to the air of "_Please to Remember_," &c. Too Novembery perhaps, but everything too previous here, and it's summer even in winter, and winter's nowhere, except in some other places. This is the meteorological or illogical rule, the "_Summa Lex_." Look at my bearers! These are heads of the people, eh? Carried round town in triumph, and then back to the ship, which I _now_ look upon as my native place, or _the land of my berth!_

"ONCE MORE ABOARD THE LUGGER!"

Here we are, off the Cape of Good Hope. HOPE, as you know, was a worthy Admiral who discovered this place; he is mentioned by the poet as having done so; you remember--

"Hope told a flattering tale;"

but no one believed him. Wish BALFOUR, GORSTY, and WOLFFY were here, and WOLFFY better than when I left him. First-rate place to pick up health. Every morning I climb the maintop-gallant, plunge into the ocean, and out again in the blowing of a Bo'sen's whistle. I dive, grapple with fresh lobster, bring him up by the tail, and before he knows where he is, he is boiled and on my table, hot, for breakfast. Excellent lobster! But how he changes colour at being caught and boiled! Such a breakfast!

QUITE A TROPICAL SONG!

Something spicy at last. Rather! The "Umbrella-tree" magnificent! Spreads out in wet weather, and folds up when it's fine. Splendid specimen of the "Boot-tree" (_Arbor tegumenpedis_), and the quaint "Blacking-Brush Plant," which is its invariable companion. No time to spare, however--off again to the _Grantully Castle_, with pockets full of fruits of all kinds. Must take care not to sit on them in boat. Lemon squash all very well, but a mixed fruit squash in your tail-coat pocket not so refreshing.

CAPERING.

There are 50,000 souls and as many bodies in Cape Town. Give you my word, it's a fact. I may have omitted one or two, but saw most of 'em through telescope before landing. There's an old Town House and a Castle, and an Excellency for Governor; Museum, Library, with Manuscripts badly illuminated before the discovery of gas; and as good a glass of Port (called here "Port Elizabeth," after Miss ELIZABETH MARTIN, who first took to it, but didn't finish it, thank goodness!) as you'd wish to get away from the Turf Club. The little boys toss for halfpence in the street, which impressed me with the wonderful mineral wealth of South Africa. Having nothing better to do, I joined them, and won. I lectured them on incautious play, and they said something in South-African, which the street Arabs here speak to perfection, and which, I fancy, was both flattering and apologetic. Called on CECIL, the Colossus of Rhodes, but he was absent at the time. Fine place, the Cape. "Why," I asked myself, "do our people go to Ramsgate, Southend, Herne Bay, and even Scarborough, when there is such a splendid seaside place as this to come to?" But no; because their people have done it before them, so they'll go on doing; and, unlike yours, truly, they _won't strike out a line of their own_. [N.B.--I must beg the Editor, when he gets this, not to strike out any line of mine, _as it's business_, and means advertisement.]

THE ODD TREK.

Had a game of single-handed poker with one of the Trekkers, and beat him hollow. Not at first, of course, out of politeness; but at game No. 3 he was nowhere. Bless him, I knew a "trek" worth any three of his. He wanted to go about with me after this, but he became such a Boer (that's the origin of our word at home signifying "nuisance") that I cut him, and his pack of cards too. Just off to see the Dutch races. Shall pick up a little coin over this. You'll excuse my not writing any more this week, as I have to send a lot of stun to the _Daily Graphic_, besides cramming and reading up for it far more than ever I did at Oxford. However, the _jeu d'esprit_ is well worth the _chandelle_. You don't want much about local politics--do you? If so, wire's the word, and I'm there. Looking forward to see _What-can-the-Matter-be-Land_, also SAM BEST, and other old friends, with whose names, at least, the papers have already made you familiar. Must be off now, as I've an interview with the High Commissioner, who does all my business for me at the native races. Obliged to give him twenty per cent. on commission, and that, of course, is the reason why he has earned the proud title of "High," which he now deservedly enjoys. "How's that for High?" And the answer is, "Fifteen per cent. on ordinary business, and twenty per cent. for a win." Newmarket not in it with this place. So for the present, "Adoo, adoo!" Mind you, I've got my eyes open, and this is my tip for all the country out here, "White to win in a few moves," [to which I shall soon be able to put you up], and "Black not to win anyhow." Very hot out here; dry work, scribbling; but luckily in the Orange Free State that delicious fruit can be had for the asking. Tell GORSTY that, and WOLFFY can use the information, if he likes, till I return. _Au revoir!_ Yours ever,

* * * * *

QUEER QUERIES.--AUTHORSHIP.--I should be glad to know the name of a Publisher of repute who would be likely to purchase for £1000 a first-rate Sensational Novel? I have only written one chapter so far, but I have the plot in my head, and I think a really able and energetic Publisher would be able to judge of the work from a small specimen. Which was the Firm that gave GEORGE ELIOT £5000 for _Middlemarch?_ I should like to go to them.--NO JUGGINS.

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LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

_Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June._--We had an immense meeting here last night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We had done our best to got a Cabinet Minister to come down, but they all had some excuse or other, and we had to content ourselves with CARDEW, who, being an Undersecretary, is the next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. VULLIAMY came too. A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being offended at what I did with reference to his proposals for wholesale illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called "a gentle protest," and declared himself ready to do all he could to help me to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There was considerable difficulty, as there always is, in apportioning the various speeches, so as not to leave any of the important local chiefs out of the proceedings. First of all TOLLAND, as Chairman, opened the proceedings. Then came a vote of confidence in Her Majesty's Government, proposed by Colonel CHORKLE, and seconded by VULLIAMY. To this CARDEW responded.

Then MOFFAT proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of confidence in me, to which, of course, I responded. Old DICKY DIKES proposed a vote of thanks to the Chairman. This was seconded by BLISSOP, and after a few cordial words from TOLLAND, the gathering broke up. On the whole, everything went off extremely well. VULLIAMY'S speech was a masterpiece. He said:--

"I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the private concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous occasions I have had an opportunity of saying what I think of your Candidate, Mr. PATTLE. I have known him for years. Ever since I first met him, I have been more and more struck by the extraordinary intelligent interest he takes in political matters. His views are enlightened, his judgment is sound, and his eloquence is of so high an order as to ensure to him a brilliant success in the House he is destined to adorn. But what chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the honourable uprightness of his character. The contest here will be a fierce and determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a Candidate as yours, it will be kept free from all personal bitterness, and will be conducted in such a way that no breath of suspicion will rest on the absolute and scrupulous legality of everything that may be done. The conscience of the people demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its suffrages, and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice to see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England the greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have advanced Billsbury to a position of glorious prosperity which other towns strive in vain to approach."

This from VULLIAMY was splendid, considering that if I had followed his advice, I should have steeped myself in illegality. But the cheers that greeted the speech were deafening, the most enthusiastic coming from MOFFAT, BLISSOP, and JERRAM, who had urged my compliance with VULLIAMY'S suggestions.

_Wednesday, June 4th._--The _Meteor_ is furious about our meeting yesterday. It says, in a leader:--"Do these gentlemen suppose that the froth blown by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is likely to shake sir THOMAS CHUBSON from the secure position in which the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? We have nothing to say against Mr. PATTLE except this, that his youth, combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, absolutely disqualifies him for the responsible post to which his foolish ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, which the vivid imagination of his supporters pictures as crowding his table in the Temple. Let him join debating societies, and learn how to speak in public; let him eat, drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, do anything except run the head which flattery has turned against the sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give him this advice in no unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take it."