Chapter 2

He grumbles because I had _a special portable light_ all to myself, "when I wanted to play cards." Aha! do we see the cloven hoof now? Was I to play cards _in the dark_? Those who know me best know that I am all fair and above-board, and no hole-and-corner gambling for me. And what tale has he to tell? Why that "_Another night, not using his special light at the time, two other passengers began a game of chess under its rays._" Which they had no right whatever to do. But I winked at it, and when the first officer was coming his rounds I winked at _them_; but this friendly act on my part they did not heed, and consequently _to save them from being put in irons_ and confined in the deepest dungeon beneath the _Grantully Castle_ moat, I "_came along just then_," as he reports, "_and removed the lamp to another part of the deck, leaving the chess-players in the dark_"--as if this consequence were anything extraordinary when a lamp is removed! Why any schoolboy, the merest tyro in Scripture History, knows where the great Hebrew Lawgiver was _when the candle went out_. And were these passengers to be exempt from the action of Nature's ordinary laws! Bah!--"_without a word of apology or explanation_." I _had_ winked, but they were worse than blind horses, and more resembled the inferior quadruped in obstinately refusing to move, or in subsequently acknowledging this act of thoughtful kindness on my part.

As to my eating for breakfast a flying-fish, which somebody on board had caught and given me, all I ask is, _why shouldn't I?_ I never had eaten a flying-fish before, and I don't think I ever shall again. If the gentleman who caught it didn't want me to eat it, he should have said so: for there were three courses open to him; viz., _first_, to refuse to give it me; _secondly_, to give it me on condition that I kept it in memory of the occasion; _thirdly_, to throw it back into the sea. But there was only one course open to _me_ when I got it, and that was the first course at breakfast; the second course was kidgeree. It was a small fish _just enough for one_, and now I rather fancy I remember this _Black and White_ correspondent, for it must have been he, coming to my table, eyeing the fish, smacking his lips, and observing that _he_ "had never had the chance of tasting a fried flying-fish." At that moment I was just finishing the tail (a sweet morsel and not the worst part by any means), and there was nothing left to offer him. So he went away disappointed, with a grudge against yours truly. This, Sir, is the true tale of the flying-fish, and if it isn't, let me hear the revised version from my aspersers and caluminators. I can write no more to-day. I am boiling over, and must go and kick somebody. Yours, &c.,

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HANWELLIAN PRIZE COMPETITION.

_CONDITIONS._

1. Entrance fee, to defray cost of postage, &c., two guineas.

2. All communications to be written illegibly, and on both sides of the paper only--not on the edges.

3. The Committee do not bind themselves to accept the lowest or any tender; or to start at the time advertised in the Company's tables; or to be in any way responsible for their own actions.

4. Competitors will be prosecuted.

5. A prize of one shilling will be awarded to all competitors who fail; the winners will be able to make their way in life without prizes.

6. Human beings and others are not eligible for this competition.

Subject to the above conditions, it is requested that puzzles or questions may be forwarded to the following solutions:--

_First Solution_.--Twenty-eight, if before March 17th; one hundred and forty-six, if after that date.

_Second Solution_.--Put six pigs in the first stye; then go back and fetch the fox from the other side of the river, returning with the remaining cockatrice. Then put yourself in the second stye, never come put any more, and subtract.

_Third Solution_.--Positive, Regret; Comparative, Regatta; Superlative, _Requiescat in pace_.

_Fourth Solution_.--Countesses; because the sun (son) never sets there.

_Fifth Solution_.--Cut along dotted line to point A. Then fold back, and cross to point C, keeping mark B on the left. Stop, if you can, before getting to remark D. Bad language never does any good.

_Sixth Solution_.--This is a mere catch, and only suitable for quite young children. Of course, it is obvious that the elephant could not have been on the outside, because there never _are_ two Mondays in the week. Hush! the Bogie Man. _Exit._

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JEAMES'S SUMMARY.

_OR, LE MONDE OÙ L'ON S'ENNUIE._

["Now that the pageantry and the social stir evoked by the presence of the Imperial guests are over, there are few who will care to prolong the dreary and disappointing existence either of the Season or of the Session."--_The Times_.]

_Jeames loquitur_:--

_Ya-a-a-w!_ Yes, young man, you've 'it it there, penny-a-liner as you may be, And knowing, probably, no more about _hus_ than a coster's baby; But dull it 'as been, and no kid, and dreary, too, and disappinting; Is it this Sosherlistic rot Society is so disjinting, The Hinfluenza, or Hard Times, them Hirish, or wotever _is_ it? _I_ couldn't 'ave 'eld on at all, I'm sure, but for the HEMP'ROR's visit. _Ya-a-a-w!_ 'Ang it, 'ow I've got the gapes! Bring us a quencher, you young Buttons! And mind it's cool, and with a 'ed! _Hour_ family is reg'lar gluttons For "Soshal Stir." The guv'nor, he's a rising Tory M.P., he is. And Missis all the Season through as busy as a bloomin' bee is, A gathering Fashion's honey up from every hopening flower. _That's_ natty. I _'ave_ a turn for poetry; you're quite right there, my pretty PATTY. Lor! 'ow that gal admires these carves! But that's "irrevelant," as the sayin' is; Master and Missis both complain 'ow dull and slow the game they're playin' is. The Session? Yah! Give me the days, the dear old days of darling DIZZY! With him and GLADSTONE on the job a chap _could_ say "Now we are busy." But SMITH's a slug, 'ARCOURT's a hum, and LABBY makes a chap go squirmish. Dull as ditchwater the whole thing. One longs e'en for a Hirish skirmish; But PARNELL's _fo par_, and his spite, 'ave knocked the sparkle out of PADDY. No; Parlyment's a played-out fraud, flabby and footy, flat and faddy. The Season's similar. Season? Bah? By sech a name it ain't worth calling. Shoulders like these and carves like those was not _quite_ made for pantry-sprawling; But wot's the use? Trot myself hout for 'Ebrews, or some tuppenny kernel? No, not for JEAMES, if he is quite aweer of it! It's just infernal, The Vulgar Mix that calls itself Society. All shoddy slyness, And moneybags; a "blend" as might kontamernate a Ryal 'Igness, Or infry-dig a Hemperor. It won't nick JEAMES though, not percisely; Better to flop in solitude than to demean one's self unwisely. Won't ketch _me_ selling myself off. I must confess my 'art it 'arrers To see the Strorberry-Leaves go cheap--like strorberries on low coster's barrers! Tuppence a pound! Yes, that's the cry. It's _cheapness_, that Rad fad, that's done it. Prime fruit _ought_ to be scarce and dear, picked careful, and _kept in the punnet_. The same with _all_ chice things I 'old, whether 'tis footmen's carves or peerages; But fools forget that good old rule in this yer queerest of all queer ages. Trade bad, things in the City tight, no Court worth mentioning, queer scandals, Socierty inwaded by a lot of jumped-up Goths and Wandals; Swell-matches few, gurls' chances poor, late Spring, and lots o' sloppy weather, With that there Hinfluenza--wich perhaps is wus than all together-- All over the dashed shop! When was a Season sech a sell as this is? Wot wonder that it aggeravates us all, pertikler Me and Missis? Ah! But for our "Himperial Guests" the _Times_' young man names with sech feeling, I don't know wot I _should_ 'ave done. A dismal dulness seems a-stealing Afore its time o'er every think; and now Our Guests's gone wot reason, As the _Times_ sez, for trying to perlong the Session or the Season? _Ya-a-a-w!_ I shall gape my 'ed off 'ere. The Row's a bore, the 'Ouse a fetter. And now the HEMP'ROR's slung 'is 'ook, the sooner _we_ are horf the better!

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A LUSUS NATURÆ.--A paragraph in the _P.M.G._, the other day, was headed, "A Lion Loose in a Circus." Bad enough. But a still more extraordinary incident would have been _A Lion "tight" in a Circus_.

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MR. CHAUNCY DEPEW, the well-known American barrister, _raconteur_, and wit, is on his way to England. His visit is on business; probably to head a Depewtation.

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A NEW ELECTION "LAY."

Oh, young Mrs. BRAND has gone down to the East! To give the Electors a musical feast, And save her fine treble she weapons has none; Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be won. So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand, There never was dame like the young Mrs. BRAND!

All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire halls, 'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and thralls! Said DUNCAN, the foeman, "My friends, on my word, Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard. I don't wish to be rude, but I _can't_ understand What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. BRAND!"

"You need not suspect me," the lady replied; "I care not how flows the electoral tide, I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay. I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't stand, But I _do_ enjoy singing"--quoth young Mrs. BRAND.

So lovely her voice, so bewitching her grace, Such a treat--or such treating:--did never take place. While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists fumed, She merely the thread of her roundel resumed; And the Duncanites whispered--"'Tis most underhand! We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. BRAND."

A change in her theme! She has altered the bar To _Kathleen Mavourneen_ and _Erin-go-bragh!_ Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole throng! To the lady they've given their votes "for a song." "'Twill be ours, will the seat--'tis the plot I have planned! Oh, Music hath charms!"--exclaimed young Mrs. BRAND.

There is mourning mid folk of the Wire-pulling Clan; Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man, For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their calling Has passed to the ladies excelling in--squalling! "Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music"'s at hand; Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. BRAND.

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SMOKED OFF!

(_AN APPEAL FROM THE KNIFE-BOARD OF A CITY OMNIBUS._)

[The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that they are being "smoked off" the tops of the omnibuses.]

The "knife-board," sacred once to broad male feet, The "Happy Garden Seat," Invaded now by the non-smoking sex, Virginal scruples vex, And matronly anathemas assail. Alas! and what avail Man's immunities of time or place? The sweet she-creatures chase From all old coigns of vantage harried man. In vain, how vain to ban Beauty from billiard-room or--Morning Bus What use to fume or fuss? And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke! Where _shall_ one get a smoke Without annoying Shes with our cheroots, And being badged as "brutes"? If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff (Without the feminine sniff) Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thunder's name _Shall_ he draw that same! The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and scoff, Declare _they_ are "smoked off," Is there no room inside? If smoke means Hades, We, "to oblige the ladies," Have taken outside seats this many a year, Cold, but with weeds to cheer Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd bodies; Now we are called churl-noddies Because we puff the humble briar-root. Is man indeed a "brute" Because he may upon the knife-board's rack owe Some solace to Tobacco? If so it be, then man's last, only chance, Is in the full advance Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet elves, _Pray learn to smoke yourselves!_ Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer, and sniff, But--join us in a whiff!

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A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As the School Board rate has already touched a shilling, and seems likely to go even higher, why should not some of our money be expended in teaching the young idea of the lower classes how to develop into more valuable citizens than they seem likely to become under present conditions? To carry out this idea, I jot down a few questions to be put to a School-Board scholar before the granting of the customary certificates:--

1. Describe the formation of a Regiment, and explain its position and duties in Brigade.

2. What are the duties of a Special Constable?

3. How would you set about putting horses into a fire-engine?

4. Describe the process of resuscitating a person apparently drowned. How would you revive a person rendered insensible by (1) cold, (2) by sunstroke.

5. Give simple remedies to be applied at once in case of bites by a mad dog, accidental poisoning by arsenic, and swallowing of spurious coin.

6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an arm, (3) a broken finger? If a man is run over by a Hansom, what should you do? Describe an excellent substitute for a litter, when you can obtain nothing better.

7. State shortly what you consider your duty would be, (1) were the country invaded, (2) were London in the hands of the mob, (3) were your neighbourhood visited by fire, and decimated by the plague.

There, _Mr. Punch_, if every School-Board scholar could supply satisfactory answers to the above questions, I would not grudge my shilling in the pound--nay, possibly look with equanimity on eighteenpence!--Yours, cordially,

ONE WHO IS SCHOOL-BORED.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, July_ 13. Emperor WILLIAM leaves to-day having taken affectionate farewell of Grandmamma. On the whole been most successful visit. Weather a little Frenchy in its tendency, but not all rain and thunder. If things could only have been kept comfortable to last moment there need have been nothing to mar success of event. Unfortunately, TANNER's active brain discovered opportunity of casting a stone at head of departing EMPEROR. Looking in at Charing Cross Telegraph Office, intending to send sixpenny-worth of genial remark to his late esteemed Leader PARNELL on result of Carlow election, TANNER observed "Gutknecht" on shaft of lead pencil gratuitously provided. Much puzzled at this; thought at first it was RAIKES's way of spelling good night; found on inquiry it was German.

TANNER's patriotic bosom filled with storm of indignation. "What!" he cried, apostrophising the absent RAIKES, "at a time when trade is declining, Ireland is unhappy, strikes are rampant, and human misery seems to have reached its bitterest point, at such a time it might be hoped you would have given up your days and nights to ameliorating the common lot, instead of which you go about importing lead pencils made in Germany, and so taking the very bread out of the mouth of the British Workman."

Might have asked question on subject a week ago when he made discovery; adroitly put it down for to-night; and so whilst Emperor WILLIAM was taking leave of Grandmamma in the stately halls of Windsor, TANNER was flinging a lead pencil at his retreating figure, stabbing him, so to speak, in the Imperial back with a commercial product retailed at the inconsiderable price of twopence-halfpenny a dozen.

With some sense of relief House got into Committee of Supply. Various questions brought up on Colonial Vote. P. and O. SUTHERLAND championed claims of Singapore for deliverance from arbitrary conduct of Government in levying military contributions. Doesn't often take part in Debate; showed to-night that abstention is not due to lack of debating faculty. Set forth case of his clients in clear business-like speech, which commanded attention of audience, for whom topic itself not particularly attractive.

"SUTHERLAND," said the Member for Sark, one of his most attentive listeners, "has introduced a new element into Parliamentary oratory. His intercurrent cough is the most remarkable adjunct to oratory I ever heard. Suppose the fact is, when he pauses, he is thinking over the next word, or surveying for a new line of argument. Other men would consult their notes. P. and O. indulges in a kind of clearing of his throat, a compromise between a cough and an articulate remark--commanding, conciliatory, threatening, beseeching, or convincing, according as the exigencies of the moment require. As a work of art, the only contemporary thing equal to it that I know, and that, of course, in quite a different way, is some of the bye-play of the old gentleman in _L'Enfant Prodigue_."

_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply.

_Tuesday_.--Met CHAPLIN just now, striding along corridor, mopping his statesmanlike brow with a bandana that would, on emergency, serve as foresail for one of the cattle-carrying steamers just now troubling the Minister for Agriculture.

"Anything gone wrong?" I asked, for it was impossible to be blind to his evident trepidation.

"No, dear boy, it's all right as it turns out, but it might have been otherwise. What do you think? LABBY's positively been moving the reduction of the Vote by the amount of my salary! Shouldn't have been surprised if some Member had got up, and, in neat speech, dilating on the enormous forward strides made by the Empire since Ministry of Agriculture was created, moved to double my screw. But to go and propose to dock it altogether at the end of the first year is, if I may say so, not encouraging."

"Oh," I said, "you mustn't mind SAGE of QUEEN ANNE'S GATE; his bark is worse than his bite."

"Yes, I know," said CHAPLIN; "but I should be obliged to him if he'd bark at someone else's heels. Not, mind you, that I care so much about the money question. Between you and me (though don't let it go further, or they might be holding me to my bargain), I would rather pay £2000 a year than not have a seat on the Treasury Bench in charge of a department. You've never tasted the delight of standing up in a full House and reading out answer to a question, whilst all the world hangs on your lips. Nor have you ever drunk the deep delight of explaining a Bill, or replying on behalf of HER MAJESTY's Government to an Amendment. The joy is all the greater to me, since it is newly acquired. For years I sat below the Gangway, striving to catch the SPEAKER's eye in competition with the herd, and when I succeeded Members either howled at me or left the House. Now I speak without waiting for the SPEAKER's call, and the House listens attentively to the utterances of the Minister for Agriculture. That's better than salary paid quarterly: worth paying for as I say. Still it's not pleasant to have LABBY seriously proposing to stop your wages. Wish he'd try it on someone else. There's PLUNKET for example; must put him up in that quarter."

_Business done_.--In Committee of Supply.

_Thursday_.--A long dull night varied by occasional squalls. An immense relief to Hon. Members, after sitting through an hour discussing Alienation of Crown Rights in Salmon Fishing in Scotland, on which CALDWELL delivers discourse, to have opportunity of exercising their lungs. MORTON a benefactor in this respect. As soon as ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is discovered on his feet there goes forth a howl that shakes the building. To-night rather awkward circumstance followed. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS rising for the eighth time, Members broke forth into agonised howl that lasted several minutes. Was stopped by sudden commotion at the Bar. Engineer PRIM rushed wildly in, gesticulating towards the astonished Chair, and disappeared. A body of workmen appearing mysteriously from depths beneath House, tumultuously crossed the doorway, and also vanished. Presently news came that flood of water was raging down staircase; gradually truth got at; a large water-main had burst in Upper Committee Corridor; cracked at startling sound of outburst upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS's re-appearance.

"This is all very well," said PLUNKET. "I am myself no enthusiastic admirer of MORTON's Parliamentary eloquence. Still, as First Commissioner of Works, I feel this thing must be discouraged. Must draw the line somewhere. Can't have our water-mains bursting with vicarious indignation because MORTON would speak eight times in Committee of Supply."

_Business done_.--Committee of Supply.

_Friday_.--In Lords to-night, STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, L.C.C., gave fresh advertisement to CALDERON's picture, "_St. Elizabeth of Hungary._" Not a pleasant subject, from any point of view, artistic or moral. Everybody but well-meaning people like STANLEY OF ALDERLEY, glad to drop it. He brings it forward at this late day; tries to make the MARKISS responsible for whole business. The MARKISS protests that STANLEY has had the advantage of him; hasn't even seen the picture. "The only idea I have been able to form of it," he said to delighted House, "is derived from a picture in _Punch_, in which _ZÆO_ is showing her back to the Members of the County Council." Lords don't often indulge in hearty laughter; this too much for them, and STANLEY OF ALDERLEY temporarily extinguished, amid almost uproarious mirth.

_Business done_.--Supply in Commons.

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HIT AND MISS.

[At Bisley, Miss LEALE, of Guernsey, has shot with considerable success. Miss LEALE, though only nineteen years old, is a shooting member of the National Rifle Association, and has won several prizes at the meetings of the Guernsey Rifle Association.]