Chapter 3

No one had suggested anything of the kind. WEMYSS had brought this nine-pin in with him as if it were one of a set of baccarat counters, had set it up, and was now knocking it down. Noble Lords sat and stared in polite amazement. CRANBROOK, in his impetuous way, jumped up and raised point of order. WEMYSS put him aside with sweep of sword-arm, and went on to end of his speech, which showed who was the true friend of the Volunteer forces.

"Ah," said young LAMINGTON, second Baron, regarding with pleased interest the flush of satisfaction that mantled WEMYSS' brow when he resumed his seat, "this House would have been nothing only for us fellows coming in from the Commons. It's new blood that does it. I'll make them a speech myself some day."

_Business done_.--Quite a lot in the Commons.

_Tuesday_.--FERGUSSON says life at Foreign Office would be endurable only for LABBY. The Sage has got the Triple Alliance on the brain; spends his mornings in drafting questions there anent. That FERGUSSON wouldn't mind so much, only it involves his spending _his_ afternoons in drafting answers that shall look coherent, and yet say nothing. Answers often so admirably suited to their purpose, that doubts arise as to whether a firmer hand than FERGUSSON's has not traced them on paper. "A dull man," was the phrase in which, years ago, JOHN BRIGHT dismissed from consideration the statesman then known as Sir CHARLES ADDERLY. To House of Commons FERGUSSON is a dull man, incapable, as it seems, of framing these subtle answers that look as if they meant so much, and yet say so little.

Whoever be the author, it must be said that FERGUSSON contributes to success of answers by his manner of reading them. So portentous is his gravity, so like a stone wall his imperturbability, that the Sage dashes himself up against it with much the same effect as if he were attacking one of the buttresses of Westminster Hall. It is a fortuitous concatenation of circumstances, most happy in its result, that when in the House of Commons an answer is to be given which shall convey no information, the MARKISS should dictate it, and FERGUSSON recite it. If, in reply to the Sage's question to-night, as to the understanding between this country and Italy with respect to the _status quo_ in Mediterranean, FERGUSSON had stood up and recited the multiplication table up to twelve times twelve, the remarks would have been just as relevant and informing as those he read from the paper. Moreover, the gravity of his aspect and the solemn inflection of his voice, would have compelled Members to listen to the end of the recitation with a sort of dim consciousness that they were really being informed as to the details of an understanding come to between Her majesty's Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and the Governments of Germany and Italy.

_Business done._--Education Bill through Report Stage.

_Thursday._--House having disposed of Land Purchase Bill and Education Bill, is able to devote portion of sitting to consideration of its own personal affairs. MORTON brings on subject of Bar in Lobby of House of Commons. Nothing to do with the Bar that LOCKWOOD, ASQUITH, and REID adorn; merely a counter, at which they sell what JEMMY LOWTHER alludes to, with a bewitching air of distant acquaintance, as "alcoholic liquors." MORTON, whose great ambition in life is to make people thoroughly comfortable, wants to close the Bar. SYDNEY HERBERT, making a rare appearance as spokesman for the Government on the Treasury Bench, pleads as a set-off against alleged evil example, the large consumption of "lemon squash," which he explains to the House is "a non-intoxicant." CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN sends thrill of apprehension through listening Senate by inquiring whether the House of Commons is licensed for the sale of intoxicating liquors?

No one every thought of that before. As far an anyone knows, place isn't licensed; consequently, in very birthplace of legislation, the law has for years been systematically defied. Worse this than what happened at Temple the other day, when LORD CHANCELLOR and a score of principal Members of Bar of England narrowly escaped indictment for playing a drama in an unlicensed hall. Vision conjured up the police making sudden descent on the House, walking off with SPEAKER, SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, and possibly OLD MORALITY, to nearest station, there to be locked up till released on bail.

JEMMY LOWTHER much struck by suggestion. His innate magisterial instincts on the alert. We all know and like JEMMY, but few of us have opportunity of seeing him at his very best. That happens when he sits on the Magisterial Bench and dispenses justice. It is as JEMMY, J.P., he rises to the fullest height of his judicial manner. Still, pretty well just now. A little embarrassed at the outset by consciousness that his postal address at Leeds is "Swillington House." Afraid some ribald person will remember this, and vulgarly connect it with the discussion. Delightful to observe the way in which he reproved GEORGE CAMPBELL for language unbecoming the precincts of the Court. CAMPBELL had lightly spoken about "Members requiring a pick-me-up." "Persons enjoying the privilege of obtaining alcoholic liquors," was the way JEMMY put it, with a severe glance towards the abashed Knight of Kircaldy.

_Business done._--Committee of Supply.

_Friday._--Turns out to-night that MORTON doesn't approve the Triple Alliance. This would be awkward, in any circumstances. Peculiarly embarrassing just now with one of the principal signatories our guest. Emperor WILLIAM, was most anxious to come down to House; meant to see everything whilst he was here, not knowing what may happen before another opportunity presents itself.

"Always read your Diary, TOBY," he said to me, over a strawberry and cream at Marlborough House yesterday; "gather from it the impression that House of Commons is exceedingly interesting place; all its Members eloquent, and all its Ministers virtuous. Must go and see it. Look in on Friday."

Here's a go! Known beforehand that MORTON meant to state his views on the MARKISS's foreign policy, with its evident leaning toward Germany. Very awkward if EMPEROR came in just while MORTON was speaking.

"It would play the doose with the _ententy cordially_," said JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON, who resents MORTON's interference in the field of foreign policy.

Happily Emperor WILLIAM didn't get as far as Westminster; detained at Guildhall; just got off in time to dine with the Great DOOK, and afterwards to the ball at Buckingham Palace. So peace between to great nations is maintained. But MORTON ran us pretty close. _Business done._--Committee of Supply.

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THEN AND NOW.

MR. PUNCH'S JUBILEE RETROSPECT.

["_Punch_ and the Elections were the only matters which occupied the public mind on July 17, 1841."--_Introduction to "Punch," Vol. I._]

Fifty years ago, my Public, fifty years ago! Faith, the years fleet swiftly onward, though sad hours seem slow. Forty-One beheld my advent, Friend of Truth and Fun; From my _sanctum_ still I greet you now in Ninety-One.

"_Punch_ and the Elections!" Truly a compendious text. With how many Burning Questions men to-day are vext! Then the Whigs perceived their tether pretty nearly run, And--they're watching Bye-Elections now in Ninety-One.

Then Lord JOHN was on the Treasury Bench, though ill at ease, Thence to be soon torn--like Theseus;--PEEL, the Hercules. Now SMITH smiles a toothy smile in little JOHNNY's place, White the Grand Old Hercules sits watching grave of face.

_He_ remembers Forty-One! Few, except _Punch_ and him, Linger from those brave old days, now distant grown and dim! He has reached his Jubilee, as _Punch_ this year hath done. Veterans both, we drink each other's health in Ninety-One!

Forty-One was fierce and fiery. Young DISRAELI then Bravely buttered stout Sir ROBERT as the best of men. Pheugh! But in how short a time was BEN's envenomed steel Destined to find rankling lodgment in the breast of PEEL!

Now? Well, there is jaunty JOSEPH poisoning his pint; Seeking in GRANDOLMAN's mail some penetrable joint! Heroes and ex-armour-bearers still keep up the fun; One-and-Forty saw it so, and so does Ninety-One!

Mr. SHARMAN CRAWFORD (who was _he_? Let quidnuncs guess!) Moved Amendment relative to "Popular Distress." _Then_ his cure was Wider Suffrage. _Now_ what would it be? Land with little or no Rent, and Education Free?

Then the Corn Laws cramped Free Trade; free Competition now Breeds the Sweater, harsh exploiter of the toiler's brow, When brave PEEL achieved Repeal some deemed the task was done, But Commissions upon Labour sit in Ninety-One.

SIBTHORP then amused St. Stephen's; we have SEYMOUR KEAY, D'ORSAY then was wit and dandy, OSCAR WILDE have we. And if wild FEARGUS O'CONNOR fashioned Land Schemes then, BURNS and MORRIS well can match him now with tongue or pen.

Then TOM HOOD could sing that Song[1] which moved a world to tears, London Laundrydom on Strike now in Hyde park appears. Ah! since Eighteen Forty-One much has been tried--and _done_, But _Punch_ finds no lack of labour e'en in Ninety-One!

The HER MAJESTY, a Maiden Queen, fresh graced the Throne, Now her Royal Jubilee is full four years bygone. He who has illumed her reign with wisdom, wit, and fun, Greets her loyally to-day as then, in Forty-One.

Madam, much since then has happened, much has been achieved; Marvels, commonplace to-day, few then would have believed. Science, Liberty, Pure Manners, order, Peace, Goodwill, _Punch_ for Fifty Years has championed, and will champion still.

Then and now! The captious cynic at the contrast sneers, _Punch_ believes in, and would help, the Progress of the Years. When his Century's full course, fifty Years hence, has run, With good heart and glad may he look back on Ninety-One!

[Footnote 1: "_The Song of the Shirt_," which appeared on page 260 of Vol. V., 1843, in a supplementary number entitled, "_Punch's_ Triumphal Procession."]

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QUEER QUERIES.

INFLUENZA.--I should feel really grateful to any reader who can tell me whether I have Influenza or not. I think I must have it, as I have tested my temperature with a thermometer attached to a weather-glass hanging in the hall, which is only slightly cracked, and find that it--my temperature, not the weather-glass--stays constantly at 120 degrees, which seems rather high. My headaches are _frightful_, and the pills with forty grains of quinine in them, which I have been recommended to take by a neighbouring chemist's assistant, do not seem to do any good. Cough and chemist's bill both very heavy. Ought I have to have a change? If so, whom should I try and take it out of?--NERVOUS SUBJECT.

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