Chapter 3

DEFEAT--OR SOMETHING NEAR IT.

When a few months ago on the Thames with the oar The 'Varsities met in a contest of strength, 7 to 2 were the odds that the Dark Blues would score A win, which they did--by a lucky _half-length_: And last week, when the thousands assembled at Lord's To see Cambridge win by an innings--at Cricket's Great luck they're astonished, as Fortune awards The Light Blues the game--by a _couple of wickets_!

* * * * *

* * * * *

A BALLADE OF EVENING NEWSPAPERS.

The evening shadows gather round the room; How full of joy it were to sit and greet The twilight slowly deepening into gloom, And in the cool forget the noontide heat. The busy hum, the noise of passing feet, Such quiet calm could scarcely serve to mar, Did there not come to us from out the street, _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_!

The gaily-coloured omnibuses loom, Approach, and disappear with footsteps fleet, The crossing-sweepers blithely ply the broom, Policemen slowly pace upon their beat. We buy the blossoms with their fragrance sweet, And only on our senses sadly jar The noises of the ruffians who repeat, _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_!

The latest aspect of the latest boom, The starting price of winners and of wheat, The thousand lives lost in a late simoom, A conflagration, or a bursting leat, How gallant gentlemen can stoop to cheat, The spicy current gossip of the Bar-- Can all be found in this or that news-sheet, _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_!

L'ENVOI.

Friend, if you wish for happiness complete, Look for it in some hamlet distant far. Forget--where catkins blow and lambkins bleat-- _Globe_, _Evening News_, _Pall Mall_, _St. James's_, _Star_!

* * * * *

QUEER QUERIES.--FISH-DIET.--I am writing an important historical work, which takes a great deal out of my brain, and I shall be glad to know what is the best kind of diet for nourishing the brain-cells. Fish has been strongly recommended to me. Would a herring and a half for breakfast take me through a chapter on the Norman Conquest? If a herring and a half does for WILLIAM the Conqueror, how many would be necessary for ELIZABETH? Would a whole salmon or barrel of oysters be best for tackling our early Constitutional History?--MACAULAY JUNIOR.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House, of Commons, Monday, June 29_.--Early promise of JAMES BAIN, Knight, begins to be realised. Created profound sensation on night he took his seat, by walking about with his hat on. SPEAKER down on him with swift stern reproof. BAIN couldn't make out what all the bother was about. Seeing a friend on Bench below him, thought he would go and have a chat with him. Members seated all about had their hats on; he had cautiously mounted his without reproof, and now, when he moved three steps with his hat on, Members howled, "Order! order!" and SPEAKER joined in the cry. Six or seven Members having explained to him that though a Member may wear his hat when seated, the stability of the Constitution is imperilled if he does not uncover when he moves, albeit a step, to the right or left, the new Member passed remainder of sitting in safety.

Next night in his place when BARTLEY was speaking from corner seat below Gangway, BAIN on top Bench behind. Thought he would stroll out. Not going to be caught again moving about with his hat on. Carefully took it off, and holding it firmly in right hand, walked with springy steps down Gangway and, crossing between BARTLEY and the Chair, made for the door. As he emerged in full view, there went up from a hundred throats such a howl of indignation that BAIN stood stock still; stared round with look of astonishment. Were they howling at him? No doubt about it. SPEAKER also calling "Order! order!" in those thrillingly solemn tones. What had he done now? hat in his hand; could someone else's by any chance have got on his head? Passed his left hand over massive brow. No, all right. Best thing to do would be to get off premises as quickly as possible. So BAIN bolted.

"My dear fellow," said BARRAN, running after him, "you know you mustn't do that any more. You're a young man, and I'm an old one. I know all the ropes in this machine. When you want anything ask me."

"Well," said BAIN, "since you are so kind, I'd like to ask you what I've done now?"

"Done?" cried BARRAN, "why you've crossed between a Member on his legs and the Chair. If you wanted to go out, you should have gone round by the back of the Bench."

After this BAIN disappeared for some days. Getting coached up in Parliamentary practice. Back to-night and made maiden speech. Quite delightful; button-holed House as it were; informed Members he was sent there with a mandate; incidentally mentioned that he was a Magistrate in several counties; waved his arm in defiance of School Board and sat down, after declaiming, with much animation, a new and original peroration. "Gentlemen," he said,--"I mean Mr. SPEAKER, I'm for the Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill."

This would have been speech of the evening only for HENRY FOWLER's. That admirable in every way; a distinct and far advance on a Parliamentary position won by sheer hard work and ability; an epoch in a Parliamentary career already notable for its steady progress. Pity Mr. G. wasn't present to witness the triumph of the most promising of his recruits of the '80 Parliament.

_Business done_.--HENRY FOWLER's Instruction to Education Bill negatived by 267 against 166.

_Tuesday_.--"My studies as you know, dear TOBY, have not specially lain in the domain of history," said Professor STOKES, in the course of a brief address delivered to me in a corner of the Library. "The pure dry light of mathematics has had an irresistible attraction for me. Possibly, therefore, I am wrong in some more or less immaterial points when I say that, since the time of WARWICK, we have had no one prominently in English public affairs with quite the same influence as is possessed by my Right Hon. friend JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. The time is gone by when kings were made and unmade. But my Right Hon. friend has done more than anyone to make the present Ministry possible, and, having made them, he claims the right to direct, and, in some respects, even to mould their policy. A very curious phenomenon, very curious indeed. If you were not so evidently in a hurry, I should like to dilate upon it."

A good deal in what the Professor says; CHAMBERLAIN, as a rule, most considerate in his attitude. At much pains to preserve an appearance suitable to a Gentleman who sits on the Opposition Benches, and is supposed to know no more of the secret councils and intentions of the Ministry than anyone else in same quarter of House. Made a slip in earlier stages of Education Bill; talked about "Our Bill," and disclosed familiarity with its details remarkable since, at the time he spoke, it was not printed. Doesn't blunder twice along same road. Pretty to see him yesterday inviting LORD-ADVOCATE across the table to explain details of measure, he asked leave to introduce, dealing with state of things in Highlands and Islands of Scotland. CHAMBERLAIN being much interested in question, having marked it for his own, might be supposed to have been consulted by LORD-ADVOCATE before Bill was drafted. All a mistake. JOSEPH knew no more about it than an ordinary Member of Opposition, and would be much obliged if LORD-ADVOCATE would briefly sketch his Bill.

To-night, on Committee on Education Bill, MUNDELLA moved Amendment extending beyond fourteen years limit of age at which fee grants would be made. DYKE obdurate. JOKIM wrung his hands, and protested thing couldn't be done. Hour after hour Debate went forward, Ministers refusing to budge; JOSEPH chanced to look in after dinner; thinks it would be well to accept Amendment; says so in brief incisive speech, a very model of debate; and OLD MORALITY straightway capitulates. Remarkable state of things; as a study more interesting even than mathematics.

_Business done_.--Education Bill in Committee.

_Thursday_.--Land Purchase Bill came on in Lords for Committee stage. House unusually crowded; quite animated in appearance; when at length it gets into Committee LORD CHANCELLOR leaves Woolsack and, still wearing wig and gown, lends new air of grace and dignity to Ministerial Bench. Sits between MARKISS and ASHBOURNE. Wonder what the MARKISS thinks of him? For a cheerful, social, soothing hour, imagine nothing more supreme than the confidences of the MARKISS in respect to some half-dozen other of his colleagues.

Before Committee is reached, The MCCULLUM MORE comes to front, and modestly engrosses attention. Other Peers prepared, once in while, to buckle down to hard night's work, fighting over Clauses of Bill in Committee. That sort of obscure labour might suit them, but not the thing to attract the MCCULLUM MORE. Had already enjoyed himself on Second Reading, delivering one of those orations which, as COLCHESTER says, may be magnificent but are not debate. That should have satisfied vanity of ordinary man; but the MCCULLUM MORE not an ordinary man. There were several things he forgot to say in the speech. Others had occurred to him since. He might, without stopping progress of business, work them off in Committee; but in Committee he must needs stand on level with ordinary Peers anxious to get on with business, and his observations would probably not be reported. Thing to do was to move Instruction to Committee. This would bring him on first thing in a full House, before Peers had wearied themselves with application to real business. So gave notice of Instruction. Doesn't matter in what terms; sufficient that he was able to deliver his speech. MARKISS a little sarcastic in begging him _not_ to press Instruction. Nobody showed inclination to debate it, but it had served its turn. Having delivered his speech, The MCCULLUM MORE stalked off home, leaving to others the drudgery of Committee work.

_Business done_.--Land Bill through Committee in Lords.

_Friday Night_.--Education Bill through Committee. Last scene of all a little lively owing to revolt on Conservative side. RICHARD TEMPLE led it in speech of unwonted eloquence. Quite overflowing wealth of imagery: described School Board as the ogre that eats up everything; that enough by way of description; but TEMPLE rising to fresh heights, went on to characterise it as the thin edge of the wedge.

Capital speech of quite another kind from JENNINGS. As the Member for Sark says, JENNINGS when he has anything to say to the House of Commons _talks_, doesn't speechify; style excellent, and so is the matter. House would like to hear a little oftener from JENNINGS; due to it from Stockport who has also sent us GEDGE.

_Business done_.--Education Bill through Committee.

* * * * *

SONGS OF THE UNSENTIMENTALIST.

THE GREENGROCER'S REBUKE.

We gave a little dinner; and I own, Led by a wish with style to stamp the _fête_, Palmed off, as though a butler of our own, A skilled Greengrocer we had in "to wait."-- I thought he seemed to sway beneath the fish-- And stagger with a half familiar smile, When, lo! he fell, remarking blandly, "Thish All comes of tryin' to do the thing in shtyle!" I thundered, "Leave the room!" He saw my fix, And but retorted, "'Ere, you ain't a Duke! I'm not a-goin' without my three-and-six!" Thus came on me that Greengrocer's Rebuke!

That banquet was our last. No more we "dined," In, now and then, perchance a friend might drop. It is our boast that he will ever find At least the welcome of a homely chop. Some day, perhaps, when I have made my pile, And can from ostentatious show refrain, Without the Greengrocer to purchase "style," I possibly once more may entertain! And so,--I know not how it came about, But if by chance, it is a happy fluke That I at length without the slightest doubt Have lived to bless that Greengrocer's Rebuke!

* * * * *

QUELCHING QUELCH.--Mr. QUELCH, before the Labour Commission, is said to have expressed his opinion that "the liberty to combine should not involve the liberty not to combine." Doesn't Mr. QUELCH see, that without "liberty not to combine" there _cannot_ be any "liberty to combine." For if a man is not at liberty to abstain from combination, it is obvious that he is compelled to combine; and compulsion is hardly liberty. Freedom lies in choice, and Mr. QUELCH would leave the workman none.

* * * * *

A MASK ON A MASK.

[A face-mask, the latest addition to the toilet, worn during the hours of sleep, is designed to remove wrinkles.]

Wear masks at night? Nay, when I saw your face, Old but unwrinkled, topped with sunny ringlets, Dear Lady OLDGARDE, while you made the pace, And flitted like a fairy borne on winglets From boy to boy, and flirted here and there With that unchanging smile of rouged enamel, I thought, "Since you are rich beyond compare, And since the needle's eye doth bar the camel, 'Tis right perhaps that wealth should purchase youth, And peaceful age become a ceaseless playtime; Still, if you'd wear _two_ masks to hide the truth, Oh, wear this last one always _in the daytime_."

* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.