Chapter 2

The publication of the book of a comedy in a theatre may be thankfully received as a present help to the audience, and an aid to memory afterwards, or it may be considered as a protest on the part of the author who says, "Here's what I have written. See how they act it: whether it be farce or comedy, judge for yourselves. You pay your money, and you take your choice." Suffice it, then, to record that, on the night of this deponent's visit, the piece played from eight till past eleven, and that the audience from first to last was generally amused, but, I should be inclined to say, particularly disappointed at the collapse of Mr. TERRY's part in the last Act (the principal portion of which he passes curled up on a sofa, with the top of his forehead powdered white! Why?), and mystified by the sudden and apparently unnecessary revelation, made by _Miss Cazalet_, to the effect that _Lucy Tuck_ (a mentally and physically short-sighted girl) is her illegitimate daughter; and these two last-named personages, though essential to the plot, fail unfortunately in rousing any sentiment of pity or of sympathy.

Mr. ELLIOT is excellent as the _Hon. Montague Trimble_; nothing better, apart from Mr. HARE's eccentric characters, has been seen on the stage for some considerable time. I hope the author is of the same opinion. Mr. FRED THORNE is capital as the Irish Member; and as _Mrs. Hooley_, an obtrusively Irish eccentricity of Thackerayan extraction, Miss ALEXES LEIGHTON is very good, for the character, as drawn by the author, _is_ obtrusive, and is so meant to be. The _Mrs. Egerton Bompas_ of Miss FANNY BROUGH is _the_ woman to the life, and, in my humble judgment, Miss BROUGH's impersonation is well-nigh faultless. Whether, if the part of _Egerton Bompas_ were played as high comedy, this would still improve Miss BROUGH's impersonation of _Mrs. Bompas_ or not, it is difficult to decide; but I am inclined to think this would be the result. What does the author think? Most likely he will continue to "think"; it is the wiser course. Mr. HENRY V. ESMOND makes the lad, _Howard Bompas_, unnecessarily repulsive; but if, in doing so, he is only exactly carrying out the author's idea, i.e., "Master's orders," then he is no longer responsible for the overcharged colouring. The probable fate of this unhappy pair, an impulsive uneducated kind of Irish orange-girl married to a contemptible young sot, is not a pleasant termination to the story, nor is the anticipatory sadness felt for the future of this ill-assorted couple in any way dissipated by the stereotyped and perfunctory offer of marriage made by the young London Journal Nobleman to the daughter of the utterly crushed snob just before the Curtain descends.

Why the piece is called _The Times_, remains a mystery. _To-day_ would have been better; that is, if by _The Times_ is only meant "The Present Day." And if it doesn't mean this, what meaning has it? For alliterative advertisement it may be useful; e.g., "Times at TERRY's." The dialogue generally is easy, natural and telling.

Yours,

PRIVATE BOX.

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FOLLOW THE BARON!

["Such characters as he should retire into fiction, they are too exaggerated for real life."--_"Times" on Mr. R.L. Stevenson's Sad Maron of Samou._]

Oh, most excellent true! How I thank thee, great _Times_, For teaching that phrase! 'Tis delicious! Fiction! The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes, Fads futile, and tastes meretricious. Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools, Upon trial and honest conviction, The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our Schools, Who ought to "retire into Fiction."

When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about, His flatulent madness and malice; When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt, Finds Faith's Wonderland worthy of _Alice_; When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art, And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice diction, Ye gods, there'd be joy in Church, Forum, and Mart, If the fools would "retire into Fiction."

Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse Who Progress impede with crude cackle, Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse, Who the biggest world-problems would tackle; State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board cranks, We'll give you our best benediction, And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks, If you'll only--"retire into Fiction!"

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* * * * *

ARMING THE AMAZONS.

(_MODERN BRUMMAGEM VERSION._)

[At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution in favour of "considering the claims of women to be admitted to the franchise when entitled by ownership or occupation," was carried "by an overwhelming majority, amid loud cheers." Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, "What new forces were they (the Conservative Party) prepared to bring against the anarchy, socialism and revolution which were arrayed against them? The granting of women's suffrage would be against the disintegrating power of the other side, as women were everywhere anti-revolutionary forces.... This would add about 800,000 to the electorate. They would be, she believed, middle-aged women of property, than whom she thought they could not assemble more anti-revolutionary forces."]

_Trojan Leader loquitur_:--

To arm the Amazons against the Greeks, OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques. No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day, And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay The rising tide of Revolution, check Disintegration, of the claws who'd peck At our political sleeves and platform hearts Must not be frightened. "Rummiest of starts," The ribald Cockney cries; to see at length, "The Tory seeking to recruit his strength Prom those he dubbed, in earlier, scornfuller mood The crowing hens, the shrieking sisterhood!" Shade of sardonic SMOLLETT, haunt no more St. Stephen's precincts; list not to the roar Of the mad Midland cheers, when FEILDING's plan Of levelling (moneyed) Woman up to Man Wins "Constitutional" support and votes From a "majority" of Tory throats! Mrs. LYNN LINTON, how this vote must vex, That caustic censor of her own sweet sex! Wild Women--_with_ the Suffrage! Fancy that, O fluent Lady, at tart nick-names pat! Girls of the Period? They were bad enough, But what a deal of skimble-skamble stuff Will Mrs. FAWCETT's Middle-aged Ones talk When these eight hundred thousand _hens_ o' the walk Cackle for Order, Purity, and Peace!!!

Partlets _may_ save our Capitol, as geese Once did the Roman; nigh a million--JUNOS, Roll back the tide of Revolution. Who knows? Not PRIAM-SALISBURY. Does _he_ look askance At the new Amazonian Queen's advance? Does he hide apprehension with a smile? The Amazons are used to Grecian guile; ACHILLES-GLADSTONE sorely they mistrust. Which side will give them more than fain it must? To-day the Trojans show the friendlier front PENTHESILEA, whom the Greeks would shunt, Proffers her aid to Tory Troy, to keep High Ilium against the foes who creep Nearer and nearer to its sacred walls. ACHILLES o'er the trenches loudly calls, In menace fierce, thrasonic in his boast, His Myrmidons, a mad and motley host, Mean boundless mischief, the Palladium's gone If they are not repulsed. It _must_ be done, Come what, come will. PRIAM has trimmed his sails To popular winds until the pilot fails To know the old and carefully charted course. His wisdom, and brave ARTHUR-HECTOR's force, May yet prove vain if no auxiliar hand Help yon Anarchic legions to withstand. The Amazonian host? Aha! Well hit! Scruple to take she-helping? Not a bit Too late for proud punctilio. No, this Queen Is not so lovely, of such royal mien, As hers who witched ACHILLES e'en in death. An elderly Amazon of shortish breath, With gingham huge and gig-lamps, though she hold That "Property" buckler broad and bossed with gold Is scarce a Siren--of the ancient style; More of Minerva's frown than Venus' smile! But then, eight hundred thousand!!! There's the rub. Recruited from the Platform and the Tub, With Middle-aged and Propertied Amazons, Ilium may master e'en the Myrmidons. Come, anti-revolutionaries, come! Strike Anarchy dead, and Socialism dumb! Accept new arms, ye maiden cohorts! Take The weapon that shall make ACHILLES shake, And reinforce, against the wiles of Greece, The powers of Property, Privilege, and Peace!

* * * * *

OPTIMISM.

"All's for the best," smirks fatuous DIVES. He _Means_, "I'm the best, and therefore all's for _me_."

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* * * * *

ONLY FANCY!

We understand that Mr. GLADSTONE has followed, with much interest, the speeches delivered in the country last week, and was observed to be visibly affected at the touching spectacle of the final reconciliation of Lord SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Birmingham. "They toil not, neither do they spin," he said, furtively wiping away a tear; "nevertheless, they seem made for each other's company."

* * * * *

The Right Hon. Gentleman will take his turn next week, and a report is current in interested quarters, that he as gone into training under the personal direction of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT and Mr. JOHN MORLEY, who assist to support him whilst he rehearses his speech. This is a fantasy of disordered imagination. Mr. G. is in splendid form, spoiling for a fight.

* * * * *

A trustworthy Correspondent informs us that, owing to accidental displacement of his notes, a telling point was omitted from Lord SALISBURY's first speech at Birmingham. It was intended to come in at the passage where the PREMIER boldly flouted apprehension, of Ministerial disaster at the General Election. He had meant to cite Mr. JACKSON's appointment as conclusive proof that the Government would exist at least up to the year 1900.

"SHAKSPEARE," he should have said, "has written, 'a tanner will last you nine year,' and of course the duration of the Government will be co-incidental with the prolongation of the term of our Financial Secretary to the Treasury, withdrawn from commercial pursuits at Leeds."

* * * * *

HERR VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has some interesting reminiscences of the lamented Baron MAC HINERY. "When he was appointed Legate at the Court of the Isle of Man," writes the great historian of our times, "he dined with me in passing through Nanterre. It was the very day the Marquis DE MOULIN had been elected Pompier. The other guests were, His Excellency the CON OF CRIM TARTARY, Prince ALLEZ-VOUS-EN, His Excellency the VICUNA of BRAZIL, the SANDWICH AMBASSADOR, the DOGE of VENICE, and the Baron MUNCHAUSEN, who was a kind of amateur partner of mine, in whom I had much confidence--I always left him with my day's correspondence ready to be committed to paper. In the course of the dinner a stupid _garçon_, handing the ice round, dropped a small piece down the back of the neck of the DOGE of VENICE. With great presence of mind Baron MUNCHAUSEN seized the poker (which fortunately happened to be in the fire), and, with inimitable dexterity, passed the red-hot brand between the DOGE's shirt-collar and his neck, and, deftly touching the piece of ice, melted it. It was an awkward moment. The canned lobster was just served, but no one thought of eating it. The CON of CRIM TARTARY turning to Baron MAC HINERY, said,--

"You, my Lord, who are disinterested in this matter, tell us what you think of it."

"I think," replied the Baron, with admirable _sangfroid_, "his Highness the DOGE would have felt better if the ice had been warmer, and the poker cooler."

Everybody laughed. The DOGE and Baron MUNCHAUSEN shook hands, and the dinner ended gaily.

* * * * *

RYMOND, writing _lui-même_ with too infrequent pen, makes pathetic reference to the death of "one of the largest and best known purveyors of Rhine wine, with whom I have had business relations and personal intercourse for nearly thirty years." There is, we need hardly say, no basis for the insinuation thrown out by HENED that the business relations referred to were of the commission order sometimes established between purveyors of Rhine and other wines and gentlemen who have a wide circle of friends.

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THEORY AND PRACTICE.

SCENE--_Interior of a First-class Railway Carriage. Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger discussing the "Unreadiness of England."_

_Theoretical Passenger_ (_at the conclusion of a long account of the national shortcomings_). Yes, my dear Sir, France has only to declare war to-morrow, and we are completely ruined! We cease to exist as a nation!

_Practical Passenger_ (_with a smile_). But hasn't this been said about us--by ourselves--for any number of years?

_Theo. Pas._ Doubtless, but that does not make it the less true.

_Prac. Pas._ Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find that we _do_ exist in spite of the "temptation to belong to other nations."

_Theo. Pas._ (_annoyed_). Ah! you treat the matter with levity; but I assure you it is a most serious thing! How would you like to be bombarded?

_Prac. Pas._ Not at all. The more especially as it would be a great expense to the enemy.

_Theo. Pas._ (_with dignified resentment_). I see you consider the subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a very fine day!

_Prac. Pas._ (_in a conciliatory tone_). No, no, I can assure you I am deeply interested. But how about our Fleet--surely that should protect us?

_Theo. Pas._ You must be very much behind the age to say so. Our Fleet is practically valueless. It is perfectly easy to invade us at a dozen places. If the French went to Ireland (as they did in the last century), the conquest of England would be assured. They would (with the assistance of a friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make good their footing.

_Prac. Pas._ But how about our Army?

_Theo. Pas._ A farce! An expensive farce. We have no Regulars, the Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers are valueless.

_Prac. Pas._ Then why not have a Conscription--that would bring up our Army with a run?

_Theo. Pas._ A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation wouldn't think of such a thing! No, not for a single moment!

_Prac. Pas._ (_after a pause_). Well, what is to be done?

_Theo. Pas._ (_promptly_). Nothing, except to write to the papers and submit to our fate.

_Prac. Pas._ Is there any objection to the construction of the Channel Tunnel?

_Theo. Pas._ (_carelessly_). None in the least--but why do you ask?

_Prac. Pas._ Because, if in the case of war, the entire French nation pours into England;--as you say it will?

_Theo. Pas._ Certainly.

_Prac. Pas._ The best thing we can do is to utilise the Tunnel, pour into France, and stay there! It will be only changing sides!

[_Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent rattle and darkness._

* * * * *

THE SPHINX AND THE STICK.

_A SONG WHEREIN IS SUGGESTED A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR AN IBSENITE TRAGEDY._

[Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and suppression of emotional movement which is observed in English people" will probably result in all the women becoming sphinxes, and all the men sticks.]

"Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the Stick. "I _can't_," he replied, "or I would, darling, quick! If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some winks, You'll perhaps set _me_ off," said the Stick to the Sphinx. "Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply, "Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye." "'Emotional movement' no longer is mine," Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly incline To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back (As a sign of my love), all my muscles are slack. My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear, And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I fear. I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll hate, But, though I adore you, I _cannot_ gesticulate--" "My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the Stick, "For I cannot 'bridle'--no more than a brick." Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what love meant! But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,' We can't give it 'graceful and chastened expression,' And so it seems slipping fast out of possession. Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick! Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a Stick!"

* * * * *

VERY LIKELY--JUST NOW.--A place to spend a Quiet Sunday--Eastbourne.

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* * * * *

"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST.

(_FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE PURELY IMAGINARY AND YET TO BE WRITTEN._)

The _Savants_ were gathered together to consider the question of Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned Association, and their Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself by writing a letter, which if eccentric in punctuation, was yet to the point.

"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned persons, "that we have been appointed to investigate the use of Hypnotism as a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to ascertain, if it is possible, that operations can be performed under the shield of its anæsthesia."

"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is fortunate in one sense that we have not had the advantage of greeting at our board, Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, Surbiton."

"Why so?" asked a third.

"Because," returned _Savant_ No. 2, "that distinguished Member of the Medical Profession can give instances of successful treatment under the prescribed circumstances. For instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early as 1845 was using Hypnotism in the cause of painless surgery. However, our pleasant little gathering can do no harm."

"Perhaps not," acquiesced _Savant_ No. 3. "Although it is only right to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's knowledge, we should have possibly considered it _qua_ Committee a trifle superfluous."

"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the first speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears there twice a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific point of view, should be decidedly interesting."

After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours the Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a female acrobat of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the Alhambra, where they met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly without any assistance, lifted four or five bulky gentlemen seated on a chair. This she did without any exertion and with a smiling countenance. On their return to their private room, they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions of the Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed--they preferred to his performances the feats of the Magnetic Lady.

"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, or showing the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe that they are swimming in a tank!"

"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so much better had he performed a surgical operation--say, setting a compound fracture of the leg, like that performed by two medical men in 1845; and more interesting to the vast majority of the audience."

"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we send to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and ignore the Hypnotist?"

And so it was decided, and it was time to write their Report. Then pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the _Savants_ prepared for work. They had scarcely commenced, when a gentleman stood in their midst, and glared at them. He gave them each a disc, and commanded them to gaze upon its surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast asleep. He placed them back in their chairs.

"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore _my_ show and praise another! But you are in my power, and _shall_ obey me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. And, strange as it may appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, the Report, when published, was found to be an excellent advertisement for the Royal Westminster Aquarium!

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* * * * *

OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.

_Orl Court, E.C.[2]_

I am preparing a big _coup_, and wish all my friends to be in it. My friends are legion, it is true, but they may depend upon me to do the best for all. Nothing on the gigantic scale I am now preparing has been seen or heard of in the Financial World since the days of the Flood, when NOAH's floating capital weathered the storm. What was the stock worth when Father NOAH once again touched land? Expect the biggest result ever known. I may be sanguine. I have the right to be so.

"PONY."--Yes. Buy A. and C.N.B.--Invest big cheque with yours truly. The only safe and profitable investment.

"D.A.H."--Don't you do it, or you'll be H.A.D. Send cheques here. Strict account kept, and gains delivered in cash by special messenger.

"A HESITATER."--Don't doubt for a moment. Sell everything right off, and invest proceeds by cheque with your friend."

"A.S.S."--The Dividend days of the "_Ex-Nihilo-Fit Loan and Insurance Company_ are April 1, up to mid-day, and September 31.

So much for some of the principal Correspondents who require an answer in my weekly article. As for myself, I can only say that my motto is, "_Confidentia Illimitata et Nulla Pecunia redditur_." Within the last month the gross earnings of the office on behalf of my clients has been £12,345,678,910 which compares favourably with the previous month. Every penny of this, equal to 50 per cent. profit to every one of my clients, will be distributed within a week with a handsome bonus of twenty-five pounds to everyone sending in his coupon or cheque for fifteen sovereigns by twelve o'clock next Tuesday, after which hour it is impossible for any one, be he who he may, from Kaiser to Chimney-sweeper, to participate in the enormous profit which will have been honestly earned by

Yours truly,

CROESUS.

[Footnote 2: N.B.--Note change of address.]

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SHORTLY TO APPEAR.--_A Morning without Boots_, by the Author of _A Knight without Spurs_.

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POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG;

OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS.

NO. III.--THE SPOOKS IN THE SQUARE.

AIR--"_THE GOBLINS IN THE CHURCHYARD_."