Chapter 3

["There are numerous instances of Members of the legal profession having acquired habits of intemperance in consequence of the facilities for procuring alcoholic drinks in the building, and the difficulty of obtaining tea and coffee."--_Cobb, on the Refreshment Bars of the Law Courts_.]

SCENE--_Apartment in the Chancery Division. Time, 2·15 P.M. Judge, Bar, Solicitors, and Public discovered in a state more easily imagined (by Mr. COBB) than described._

_Judge_ (_thickly_). What want t'know--what-do-next? (_Smiles._) Very hot! Very hot indeed! [_Frowns._

_First Q.C._ (_rising unsteadily_). P'raps m'Lord let m'explain! Case of _Brown_-versus-_Smith_, should say--course--_Smith_-versus-_Brown_. (_Smiles._) Absurd! Can't-say-more! [_Sits down abruptly._

_Judge_ (_angrily_). Very irregular this! Commit--contempt--Court!

_Second Q.C._ (_leaning luxuriously on desk_). P'raps m'Lord let me explain. Learned friend--drunk! [_Disappears under his seat._

_Judge_ (_angrily, to Second Q.C._) So you! so everybody! (_With maudlin tenderness_.) Must respect Court! (_Savagely._) You are all disgusting--disgustingly--'tosticated! Adjourn--morrow mornin'. Usher, brandy sodah! [_Scene closes in--fortunately!_

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, July 27_.--Quite like old times to-night. Public business interrupted, and private Member suspended. The victim is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; been on the rampage all last week; a terror to the Clerks' table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making the Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, suddenly popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, "Ah, ah!" "No, you don't!" "Would you, then?" and other discursive remarks. Curious how ATKINSON, indulging in these luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts by others to enjoy similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his grievances just now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them. "One of the Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion, said, 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'"

"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt manner that becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the Consolidated Bank. "Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this simple interjection? Are you to appropriate all the O's in the alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the Table a man and a brother, and why may he not, if the idea flashes across his active brain, say, 'Oh! oh!'?"

That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to his senses. Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters in that light. Great advantage having a man like HANKEY going round prepared at moment's notice to take common-sense view of situation and depict it in terse language. Sobering effect on ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER was narrating circumstances on which he had based charge against him of frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! ah!" "No you don't!" and offering other pertinent but fragmentary remarks.

"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the Varden household, when _Miss Miggs_ returns expecting to be re-instated in her old place of predominance, near the person of _Dolly's_ mother. You remember how, when she finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and betrays her mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she had the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' _Miss Miggs_ continues, 'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! He, he, he! Nor master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'"

So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of successive Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. JOKIM at one time, startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right ear as he was making very ordinary observation, nearly fell over the folded hands he was nervously rubbing. Situation growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping up with ever-increasing vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" growing in frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; but supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or would the Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see revival of the old game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend GOSSET used to perform a _pas de deux_ between the gaping doorway and the astonished Mace? Happily ATKINSON (still like _Miss Miggs_, as SARK insists) suddenly collapsed.

"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an Hon. Member to withdraw."

"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," and here he dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "_I will come back._" Then, gathering up his papers, he tripped lightly forth, and the Varden household--I mean the House of Commons, dropped once more into commonplace.

_Business done._--ATKINSON expelled for a week.

_Tuesday._--SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, and was much pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in Motion suspending Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all hours of the night, and wind up business of Session. "We may," he observed, "apply, with a little variation, the late Mr. MOORE's verse:--

"The best of all ways to shorten our days Is to steal a few hours from the night."

"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not critical.

"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are a pair of feet left out. But _you_ know, TOBY, how they run. The last line should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the night, my Love.' Now, theoretically, and in accordance with order, all our observations are directed personally to the SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been said if I had completed the quotation! I should have been accused of frivolity, and perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what I'm about, even when quoting poetry."

Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing in House just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man who prattles on unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all satisfied with condition of affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on him; left him nowhere. Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In Committee on Irish Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by £1000; proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for themselves. Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten minutes; then he sat down, moving reduction in dumb show.

Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; would have given him much livelier impression of the place than he gained when he sat in Gallery just after Questions, listening to CLARK discoursing about Scotch Crofters to audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER. _Business done._--Committee of Supply.

_Wednesday._--House rapidly thinning; AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to keep his men together; falling off like leaves in wintry weather. Been a long Session, and a weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and Country kept us here unto this last.

"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't know how you'll get on without me, dear boys."

"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered in the smoke-room for the last cigarette.

"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to the country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done to private feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, but RUSTEM ROOSE, He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to Marienbad, and I go. 'But,' like ATKINSON and another ancient Roman (of whom you may have read in school-books), 'I return.' In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't let him overwork himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is precious to all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on the Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There are quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, who cannot resist, what must, indeed, be their natural inclination, the call to immolate themselves on the funeral pyre. There's ----, and ----, and ---- ----." (Wild horses couldn't drag these names from me. Anyone interested should write to the SAGE, _Poste Restante Marienbad_.) "They could not think of lingering on the political scene after the retirement of the head of the family. I shall certainly attend the Suttee. It will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury Bench."

_Business done_.--SAGE goes off by the Club train. The two muffled-up figures seen in the background of the station are emissaries of AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the mission of ascertaining whether he's really gone.

_Saturday_.--House sitting to-day. Should have prorogued yesterday at latest; but, somehow, drifting on; Members, for their part, drifting off; affairs reached lowest level; business practically wound up; but House must needs sit another week in order that Appropriation Bill may be got through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved.

Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, Q.C., with legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that has wagged a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive brow. "Got a headache?" I asked, that being the most natural thing under the circumstances.

"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned holiday, leaving others to look after the Appropriation Bill."

"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that enthusiasm which has so often influenced amount of damages in breach of promise cases. _Business done._--Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for remaining days of Session.

* * * * *

AULD-(ER)-MAN GRAY.

(_THE SONG OF A COMING CELEBRITY._)

[Alderman GRAY is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, on retirement of Alderman EVANS.]

When SAVORY has ruled a twelvemonths to a day, Guid EVANS he'll withdraw to give place to lucky GRAY; To Auld-(er)-man GRAY, who shall rule in the Ci-tee, GRAY was clearly born to be great--and I am he! I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin; I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin, But I will do my best a guid Lord MAYOR to be, For Auld-(er)-man GRAY will soon rule in the Ci-tee!

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ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--_Legal Fiction._--The Lord Chief Justice was certainly a little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange morality, and it is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant criticism of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no question but that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal Intelligence" is often very defective.

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.