Chapter 3

_Jacky_. Are you quite sure that you are quoting correctly? To the best of my belief the line goes, "hang him with his pen and ink-horn."

_Pater_. Eh! what? I don't understand you.

_Jacky_. Why, my dear Father, I naturally concluded that you were quoting; from the Immortal Bard. You will find the passage in _The Second Part of King Henry the Sixth_, scene iv., line 2.

_Pater_. What are you talking about?

_Jacky_. Why your misquotation. And will you forgive me--but do you not think it would sound better if you were to ask me--"about what I was talking"? I might add that my Form Master and I--

_Pater_. Your "Form Master and you." Rot and bosh! I should say--

_Jacky_ (_with a twitch of pain_). Oh, my dear Father, more slang, more slang!

_Pater_. (_getting very red_). And what if there is? What's that to you? You don't pay for my education, do you?

_Jacky_ (_quickly_). No. If I did, I could not declare that I was satisfied with your progress!

_Pater_. (_indignantly_). You little prig, I--

_Jacky_ (_calmly interrupting_). Pray do not excite yourself. I am only doing my duty. I am merely attempting to instruct those less polished than myself. Surely I may regard such an action with satisfaction?

_Pater_. (_furious_). You shall go back to school at once!

_Jacky_. I am afraid that that is scarcely practicable. If you will refer to the slip that accompanied my school-bill, you will notice that the Vacation does not cease until the 20th of September.

_Pater_. And a nice school-bill! Why they charged everything as an extra!

_Jacky_. Surely such a matter is scarcely within my province? According to statute, my dear Father, you are bound to provide for me until (if my memory does not betray me) I reach the age of sixteen. As I am now five years younger than that limit, it is clearly your duty to support me.

_Pater_. Why, Sir, you are insupportable!

_Jacky_ (_smiling_). I see--a joke--very good! But, my dear Sir, do you think it quite dignified to make so small a jest in my presence? It is calculated to lessen my respect for you.

_Pater_. Well I never!

_Jacky_. Never what? You have not completed the sentence.

_Pater_. Sir, you are an insolent young puppy!

_Jacky_. I am forced to contradict you--in justice to yourself. You cannot be willing to let me regard you as a dog?

_Pater_. (_after a pause_). Well, the sooner you get back to the school the better.

_Jacky_ (_promptly_). I have no doubt you are right, my dear Father; and, as I take a sincere interest in your welfare, I would respectfully suggest that you should accompany me. It must be patent to us both that you are lacking in polish.

_Pater_. (_losing his patience_). You young cub! I will give you the soundest thrashing you ever had in your life!

_Materfamilias_ (_interposing_). Oh, you cruel man! What has the poor child done?

_Jacky_ (_with ready tact_). Nothing, dearest Mamma, except to take after his kind, clever and accomplished Mother!

[_Scene closes in upon a family group not entirely free from domestic complications._

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THE SURREY ABC.

A is for ABEL, who can certainly block well; B stands for BOWLEY, and BEAUMONT, and BROOKWELL; C is the Captain, JOHN SHUTER his name; D is the Devotion he gives to the game; E is the Eleven, deservedly great; F is the Funk which their bowlers create. G stands for GEORGE--our only GEORGE LOHMANN; H for young HENDERSON, valiant young foeman. I is the Innings, beloved of the gapers; J is the Jargon they put in the papers. K is for KEY, the accomplished Dark Blue; L is for LOCKWOOD, who bowls a bit too; M is for MAURICE, his other name READ; N poor old Nottingham, beaten indeed. O is the Oval, the home of the crowd; P the Pavilion, the seat of the proud. Q is the Question, "Oh, Umpire, how's that?" R is for Gentleman READ, who can bat. S stands for SHARPE, it will pay you to mind him; T is the Trouble they were put to to find him; U their United attempts--hard, to beat them; V the Vain efforts oft made to defeat them. W represents WOOD at the wicket; X is the Xcellent style of their cricket. Y ends the county, not played out in a hurry. Z stands for Zero, a stranger to Surrey!

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A GENUINE REGRET.--The French Admiral had one regret in leaving Albion's hospitable shores, and that is that he didn't go up to London and get a taste of a real City Savory at a Munching House banquet. He wouldn't have found The Albion "perfidious" in the matter of "turtle and fine living,"--which was Mrs. R.'s description of the Pharisee. Their French leave is up, and they're on sail or return.

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