Chapter 2

_Monday.--Le Prophête_.--Notable performance. Profit to those who were there; loss to those who weren't. The two Poles, NED and JOHN DE RESZKÉ, excellent as the Tipster, or Prophet, and the Chief Anabaptist Swindler. Madame RICHARD--"_O Richard, Oma Reine!_" repeated her grand impersonation of _Fides_, but being a trifle "out of it" as to tune occasionally, I cannot be _Fidei Defensor_, and swear she was quite correct, so can only report that RICHARD was a bit "dicky"; otherwise, sings like a Dicky-Bird. Cathedral Scene magnificent. Rites are wrong, probably; but these are trifles, except to strict ritualists. Skating Scene not up to date; it was a novelty once upon a time, but rinks have done for it. There was an unrehearsed effect in the Prison Scene, when the walls collapsed--the imprisoned Madame RICHARD escaped, and the Curtain descended. Nobody hurt. The walls, which had fallen, like those of Jericho, to the sound of the trumpet, were put away carefully, for alteration and repairs. The prisoner, issuing from her narrow fire-escape, was recaptured, and the Opera ended with the Drinking Scene, the Prophet among the Peris, a peri-lous situation, which makes the Opera go, at the climax, "like a house-a-fire." Burns Justice is done to the Impostor, and, at a late hour, we call our cabs, and return to hum "_béviam_" over "a modest quencher."

_Saturday_.--BOÏTO'S _Mefistofele_. Strong combination. Excellent. But big "waits" made it heavy.

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AN AGRICULTURAL TRIPOS.

PRELIMINARY EXAMINATION PAPER.

1. A field is ploughed three years running. Can it still have a shy at its little go? Examine this, and say all you know about "PIERS, or PEARS, the Ploughman." Did he use his own soap?

2. How do you extract the square of a Beet-root? In connection with this, say how much it will take to square a "Swede?"

3. Explain the use of the "Sewing-machine" for agricultural purposes. What do you mean by "going against the grain?"

4. You plant a field of corn. What plaster do you adopt when it begins to shoot? Also give the best remedy you know for _corn in the ear_.

5. Write a Sentimental History of the Harvest Moon. Is it really twice as big as any other moon, or does it only look so, after drinking the landlord's health several times over?

6. To what _gourmet_ giving a dinner-party in January is attributed the historical saying, "_Peas_ at any price"?

7. How many black beans will make five white ones? Given the number, explain the process, and solve the equation.

8. What pomade do you recommend for "top-dressing"?

9. What would be an M.P.'s first step towards squaring a circle of Agricultural Voters?

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SAD STORY.--A painter, who had on several occasions aspired to a place in the Chantrey Collection, and invariably been refused, on being encouraged to launch a fresh venture, and spread his canvas, which would be soon filled, for a sale, replied dejectedly, "Chantrey be blowed; I _shan't try_ any more!" Poor fellow! He must indeed have been bad. He has not been heard of since. The Serpentine has been dragged.

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THE HANSOM CAB STRIKE!--Remarkable Conversion!! Not yet concluded! Last week another lot of Hansoms became Growlers.

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REPARTEE TO A SPOUSE.

Both parties in the recent extraordinary abduction case, where a Mrs. JONES was carried off down a rope-ladder at midnight by her own husband, Mr. JONES, have published statements defending their own line of conduct. The following is Mrs. JONES'S version:--

"As public opinion appears to have erroneously taken my--so-called--husband's side, as far as I can gather from my having been twice chased through the streets by an infuriated mob, and four separate attempts having been made to blow up my house with nitro-glycerine, I feel compelled to explain--with much reluctance--why it was that I declined to live with Mr. JONES.

"To begin with, it was only under _the most awful threats_ that Mr. JONES prevailed on me to become his wife. His words--I remember them well--were, 'My darling, you know how tenderly I adore you; if you don't marry me _at once_ I'll break every bone in your body!' He then snatched my bonnet, a _new one_, from my head, and so acted on my _nerves_ that I went off to the Registry Office and was married. That he was actuated by merely mercenary motives is proved by the fact that the gratuity (of half-a-crown), which he presented to the Registry Clerk, he actually _borrowed from me!_ I knew him already to be unprincipled; but never until that moment had it flashed upon me that he was a _fortune-hunter!_ However, as he had the drawing-room poker with him--he kept it concealed up his back during the ceremony at the Registry Office--I did not at that time say anything, but handed him the coin. I do not know if I should have left him at once, had he not aggravated the baseness of his conduct by using the vulgar expression, 'Fork it out quick!' But I regret to say that his origin is painfully _low_. Whereas, anybody who consults _my_ relatives will hear from them that they belong to the very highest County Families. Indeed, he would hear it all day long if he lived with them, as I do!

"On the day of the abduction, I was treated _barbarously!_ Even the cab in which I was taken off was, so the coachman informed me, 'put down to my account.' Oh, had I but guessed the truth about Mr. JONES when I went to the Altar--I mean the Registry Office! Supper consisted of _cold mutton and pickles_ (!) which latter he upset, and I had a dress _ruined_."

On perusing the above, Mr. JONES decided that he could no longer keep silence, and has made public the subjoined explanation:--

"When I first saw Mrs. JONES--then Miss THOMPSON--her youthful grace quite captivated me. Her age was under fifty-six, and mine was just sixty. She was, in fact, as I told her at the time, almost old enough to know her own mind. It is true that she was wealthy, but that had no influence on my conduct. On the contrary I felt it as a positive drawback, as my domestic ideal has always been Love in a Cottage! But as she was bent upon our marrying, I agreed to waive this objection.

"In proof of this assertion I need only say that on the _very day after_ our first meeting, I received the following letter:--

"'PRICELESS AND ADORABLE PET,--How _are_ your little tootsy-wootsicums? _Did_ they get wet in conducting me home after that _delicious_ interview? If so, and you were to catch cold in your precious head, I should never forgive myself. Oh, come and see me _soon!_ Your Own, till Death, ANGELINA.'

"Possibly I may be blamed for publishing this letter. I do it for _her_ sake, not for mine. Even now I believe that, were I left alone with her for an hour, with none of her relatives nor a policeman near, I could persuade her to retract her calumnious statement about the poker. I conclude by saying that it is my belief that her relatives, who are all of them powerful mesmerists, have _hypnotised her!_"

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

_My Face is My Fortune_, by Messrs. PHILIPS and FENDALL. Why don't they agree to spell both names with an "F," and make it FILLIPS and FENDALL. I fancy that FENDALL couldn't do without the sensational fillips. This story excites curiosity throughout the first volume, and then, in the other volume, satisfies it in so disappointing and commonplace a fashion as to suggest the idea that one of the authors, becoming weary of his share in the work, suddenly chucked it up, and said, "Oh, bother! let's finish anyhow;" and then the other _collaborateur_, whichever it was, did finish it as best and as quickly as he could. There is evidence of laziness or of lack of invention in the story. If it were for the first time in fiction that a secret is learnt by some one hiding behind some pantomime plants in a conservatory, then too much praise could not be bestowed on the ingenious devisers of so strong and original a situation. But as "we know that situation,--he comes from Sheffield," and as it has done duty some scores of times before, on or off the stage, why, the thoroughgoing novel-reader shakes his head and asks, "Couldn't they have devised something better than this between them?" "I expected much from this combination in Authorship, and am disappointed," says the candid BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

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THE ADOPTED CHILD.

"Last year the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER frittered away his resources in a number of small remissions, for which hardly anyone was grateful. This year he squanders the greater part of his surplus in providing for Free, or--as the phrase is--Assisted Education--an innovation for which there is hardly any genuine demand, and which a very large class of the community, including many of the most loyal supporters of the Government, view with rooted distrust."--_The Standard_.

MRS. GAMP (_the "Old Regular_") _loquitur_:--

"More changes, too, to come afore we have done with changes!" Ah! I said that to good Mister MOULD years agone; which 'ow memory ranges All over them dear "Good Old Times," as I wish them wos back agen, bless 'em! Which the new ones ain't much to _my_ mind; there's too many fresh "monthlies" to mess 'em. No; monthlying ain't wot it were; the perfession's too open, a lump. Nusses now ain't no more like old SAIREY, no not than the old Aldgit Pump. Like the Cristial Palluses fountings; A Pilgjian's Projiss is life, And a Nuss ain't no more _like_ a Nuss than a Wife now resembles a Wife.

Heigho! Which it's no use a frettin'. But _Fondlings_! Ah, well, I _did_ think Our respectable fam'lies, _though_ mixed, from sich ojus demeaning would shrink, Which no greater hinsult to _me_, the old reglar, could well be deviged; And though I've to live and to learn, I confess as this turn I'm serpriged. A Fondling!!! Turned up unbeknownst on a doorstep permiskus, no doubt. And then to _adopt_ him! Oh dear, wot the plague is our Party about? Wich to monthly to _it_ were my pride; its legitermit offspring I've nussed Many years with the greatest success, but to-day I feels flurried and fussed, And my eyes is Saint Polge's fontin with tears, and this brat is their source; As it isn't no offspring of _ourn_--of the fam'ly I mean, Ma'am, in course; But a Brummagem bantling, picked hup, as were not worth its swaddlin' and food, And I never yet knowed any brat from _that_ source as turned out any good. Missis G., Mum, it's all a mistake, as you know in your 'art all the same, For you turned up your nose at the child when JOE CHAMBERLING give him a name, Afore we was thick with his set, when you snubbed him, and laughed him to scorn, And heaped naughty names on this kid, as you swore was his nat'ral fust-born. And now you come dandling, and doddling, and patting the brat on the 'ed, And forgetting the things as you promiged, and backing on all as you said. Missis G., you do raly amaze me! This comes of our precious mix-up; Which the child's no more like one of ourn than a pug's like a tarrier-pup.

In the best-regulated o' fam'lies things will go askew, I'm aweer; As I says to my friend Mrs. HARRIS, as says to me, "SAIREY, my dear, You looks dragged, my sweet creetur," she says. "Missis HARRIS," I makes 'er reply, "When the 'art in one's buzzum beats 'ot, there's excuge for the tear in one's heye. Which wales isn't in it for worrit, my love, with your poor old pal, SAIREY, Along o' the Fam'ly," I says; "as things _do_ seem to go that contrairey, _My_ services now ain't required, with 'adoptions' all over the shop, From Brummagem, yus, and elsewheres; and I ast 'Where is this thing to stop?' RITCHIE'S 'pick-up' was tryin', most tryin'; and as to those bad Irish brats, As BALFOUR interjuced--dear! jest fancy our Party adopting small Pats! And now this here Brummagem babby! You say he's a promising cheild, Missis G., and 'you're learning to love him!' All this makes old SAIREY feel wild. It's wus than kidnapping, this bizness of picking up 'Fondlings' all round. You're nussing a wiper, _I_ say, and you'll soon feel 'is bite, _I'll_ be bound. Who arsked for 'im, BETSY--I mean Missis G.--who demanded the brat? _You_'ve altered your mind, and you pet him; you'd much better mind what you're at. Drat the boy's bragian imperence! _I_ says. He's a halien, a fondling, a waif, And _I_ never knew, for my part, _any_ Brummagem goods as wos _safe!_"

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* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, April 27_.--"Well, I never!" said GEORGE ELLIOT, beaming on House from back bench; "have known HARCOURT man and boy for forty years; seen him in divers moods; watched him through various occupations. These have been so many that I have had time to forget he was once Chancellor of the Exchequer; but he was, and upon my word, listening to him to-night, and knowing something about figures myself, I believe he would have made a splash at the Treasury."

JOKIM doesn't enjoy performance quite so much as GENIAL GEORGE. Oddly enough, Budget Night, which ought to be the apex of comfort and glory for CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, is with him ever the season of tribulation. House of Commons is, regarded as audience, always at its best on Budget Night. Will laugh immoderately at feeblest joke uttered by CHANCELLOR; cheers to the echo his moral sentiments; sits enraptured when he soars into eloquence; and is undisguisedly grateful when he has completed his peroration. JOKIM'S muddle of Thursday night made the best of. Opposition silenced by promised legislation establishing Free Education. Everything in sunshine-glow of prosperity. Thought JOKIM might keep some of the sunbeams for himself. Then comes HARCOURT with the abhorrëd shears of facts and figures, and slits the thin-spun web of JOKIM'S ingenious fancy; shows that, instead of a surplus, he has, when honest arithmetic is set to work, a deficit; instead of increasing the rate of reduction of National Debt, he has done less in that direction than his predecessors; and that whilst expenditure on Army and Navy has exceeded any figures reached by former Chancellors of the Exchequer, the floating debt is ever growing.

JOKIM sits on Treasury Bench affecting the virtue of a smile though he has it not. Wriggles like a snail under dispensation of salt. When HARCOURT finished, HENRY FOWLER stepped in, and with fresh array of figures and new marshalling of argument, completed the demolition of JOKIM'S system of finance. Mr. G. looked smilingly on, delighting in the energy and aptitude of his Young Men. JOKIM, anxious to change the subject on any terms, tried to draw Mr. G. into the controversy. "I think not," said Mr. G., with a smile of ineffable sweetness. "Right Hon. Gentleman need not go so far afield: will have pretty tough job in answering HARCOURT."

A pretty scene; admirable Parliamentary play. Oddly enough boxes empty; stalls a wilderness; pit only half full. Energies of House so sapped with dreary flood of talk on Irish Land Bill cannot be reanimated even for a brisk battle over the Budget.

_Business done_.--JOKIM pummelled to pulp.

_Tuesday_.--OLD MORALITY walked out of House just now, his back suffused with sense of duty done, alike to QUEEN and Country. Irish Land Bill, which, as CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN says, makes a Moated Grange of House of Commons, on again all day. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE and his Party active as usual. The PARTY a little doubtful of the SAGE. Sometimes, in blessed intervals of silence, is discovered gazing on a bald space on back of SAGE'S head, striving, as it were, to pierce through this weak spot, and discover what is in the SAGE'S mind. The SAGE in outward manner most deferential and encouraging. Misses no opportunity of publicly applauding him. It is true that when the SAGE has got him on his legs, starting afresh on new Amendment, he seizes the opportunity to slink out of the House, and take another cigarette, quite certain that the PARTY is good for half-an-hour. This, and one or two other little things, create a suspicion in the mind of the PARTY, who was not brought up in India for nothing. WILFRID LAWSON, who sits close by, and keenly watches progress of events, says he has no doubt the time will come when the PARTY will revolt.

"KEAY," says WILFRID, "occupies a strategical position, which gives him a great pull over LABBY. His respected Leader sits on the bench immediately below him. Some day SEYMOUR KEAY'S wild Mahratta blood may boil over, an unsuspected scimitar may flash forth from his trouser pocket, and the SAGE'S head, falling gory on the floor of the House, may gently, from mere force of habit, roll in the direction of Queen Anne's Gate."

"For a real sanguinary-minded man," said RITCHIE, to whom I told this story, "give me a teetotaller."

The PARTY, with some assistance from Windbag SEXTON, wasted sitting till quarter to seven. By this time, all Amendments to Clause 3 being wearily worn off, opportunity just left to pass Clause before Sitting adjourned. Question put that Clause 3 pass. Then SAGE, smelling obtrusively of cigarettes, interposed, and declared it "would be indecent" to accept the Clause without further discussion. Nothing House shrinks from just now more abjectly than from charge of indecency. Accordingly debate stood over, and Thursday may, if the SAGE and his Party please, and the Closure is not invoked, be appropriated for further discussion of Clause 3.

OLD MORALITY might have moved Closure at twelve minutes to seven, and carried Clause 3. Committee naturally expected he would. But OLD MORALITY had another card up his sleeve. At very last moment, whilst Members trooped out, and it was thought all was over, OLD MORALITY gave notice of motion to take the whole time of House, including Tuesday and Friday nights' evening sittings.

"I think you had them there," I said, as we walked across to Grosvenor Place.

"Yes, TOBY," he said, a little flush mantling his modest face; "we've given them rope enough, and now we'll hang them. They've had their run, now we'll take ours. It's the main thing I always look to. Never forget when I was still in the seminary writing out copy of verses about a shipwreck. A graphic scene; the riven vessel, the raging seas, the panic-stricken crowd on deck, and then this little self-drawn picture of the sole survivor, the one man left to tell the story:

Some fell upon their bended knees And others fell down fainting, But I fell to on bread and cheese; For that, Sir, was the main thing.

It's the bread and cheese I look to, TOBY, dear boy. For others the glory of debate, the prize of Parliamentary oratory. Give me the bread and cheese of seeing business advancing, and I'm content."

_Business done_.--Once more Committee on Irish Land Bill.

_Thursday_.--A pretty little game on to-night. OLD MORALITY moved his Resolution taking power to appropriate Tuesdays and Fridays evening sittings, and all Wednesdays for Irish Land Bill. In ordinary circumstances there would have been stormy protest led from Front Opposition Bench against this inroad on time of private Members. Other fish to fry to-night. Wednesday week assigned for Second Reading of Woman's Suffrage Bill; if Government take that day for Irish Land Bill, obviously can't be utilised for furtherance of Woman's Rights. This an awkward question for some Members; don't like it, but daren't vote against it. Here's opportunity of getting rid of it by side-wind. Not necessary in arranging proceedings to mention Suffrage Bill, or even Wednesday, 13th of May. It was principle for which Members struggled; "the principle of uniformity," as Mr. G. beautifully put it. "Let us," he said, though perhaps not quite in this phrase, "go the whole hog or none; take all the Wednesdays, or leave them."

Pretty to see OLD MORALITY protesting against this unprecedented access of generosity. The very picture, as MCEWAN said, of a good man struggling with the adversity of overwhelming good fortune. Was prepared to take a Wednesday here and there: but, really, too much to appropriate everyone. "Not at all--not at all," said Mr. G.

But it was only under compulsion of a Division that he consented to accept the endowment. In meanwhile, the Woman's Suffrage Debate on Wednesday week snuffed out, and final opportunity of Session lost.

"I'm inclined," said WM. WOODALL, "as a rule, to take kindly views of my fellow men, to put the best construction upon their actions; but, upon my word, I'm not satisfied in my own mind that we advocates of Woman's Rights have not been made the victims of deep and dastardly design."

"Order! Order!" said COURTNEY; "no more am I."

_Business done_.--Woman's Rights men dished.

_Friday_.--Brer FOX looked in to-night, and, finding Brer RABBIT absent, undertook charge of Irish affairs. Desirous of introducing novelty into situation, began by patronising Prince ARTHUR. "So conciliatory, you know; so anxious to meet the views of Irish Members; really, they ought to meet him half-way, and refrain from annoying him by unnecessary Amendments."

Brer FOX'S voice faltered as he spoke, and, bringing round his tail, he gently brushed away a falling tear. Unfortunately for him, TIM HEALY present. TIM jumped up, and fell upon his ancient chief, flouting his counsel, and repudiating his right to leadership. Effect upon Brer FOX something like that which followed on the flight of the piece of old red sandstone which struck in the abdomen a gentleman, who chanced to be standing round. The subsequent proceedings interested him no more. He walked out, and was not seen again. "Exceedingly rude man," he said; "never come near TIM HEALY but I feel an infinite yearning for a fire-escape." _Business done_.--Land Bill again.

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"MORE FREE THAN WELCOME."--MR. GOSCHEN'S Education Scheme, to the Tories.

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A REGIMENT OF "THE LINE."--The Royal Academicians.

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THE PICK OF THE PICTURES. (AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.)

No. 5. "_Long Ago_." LONG (EDWIN, R.A.) and more or less of "a go." Instead of "_Long Ago_" which is egotistical, why not _Long Egit_ or _Long Fecit?_