Chapter 5

which, perhaps, has produced a thirstiness among the audience, resulting in several orders for drinks having been given, JULIET appears on balcony._

"_Juliet_. Ah, me!" [_Popping of corks, and striking of matches._

"_Romeo_. She speaks!--"

_Fascinating Female Attendant in Stalls_. One whiskey, Sir?

"_Romeo_. Oh, speak again, bright angel!"

_Thirsty Party in Stalls_. No; I said B. and S.--bring it quick.

"_Romeo_ (_continuing_). As is a winged messenger of heaven."

_Second Fascinating Attendant_. Which Gent ordered gin-sling? (_No one pays any attention. Attendant sees a mild man listening as earnestly as he can to the play_.) Did you order a sling, Sir?

_Earnest Listener_ (_irritably_). No, no--I don't want anything. There, I've lost the last part of ROMEO's speech.

[_Steels himself against further distractions, and tries to concentrate all his attention on the play._

"_Juliet_. O, ROMEO! ROMEO! wherefore art thou, ROMEO?" &c.

"_Romeo_ (_aside_). Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?"

_Excited Somebody_ (_in distant Stall, beckoning to Second Attendant_). Here! Hi! Here! I ordered gin-sling.

_Second Attendant_ (_much relieved_). Oh, you was it? D'you mind stretchin' across--(_To gorgeous, eveningly-attired Lady, in row between_). Beg pardon.

_Gorgeous Lady_ (_horribly disturbed_). She'll spill it--you'll spill it--CHARLEY, why don't you--

_Charles_ (_her Friend_). Here! (_To Fascinating Attendant as politely as possible_). Can't you go round with it--

_Few Ancient Playgoers_. Sssh! Sssh!

_Second Attendant_ (_to distant Customer_). I'll bring it. 'Scuse me.

[_Retraces her fascinating steps along front row. Chaff--exclamations--near and distant poppings of corks, striking of matches, and other accompaniments to JULIET's speech._

And so forth, _ad libitum_. The same thing going on all over the house during the remainder of the Shakspearean play.

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THE GREAT WHALING EXPEDITION.

LATEST VERSION.

_BY_ BILLY (H. SM-TH), _THE (ST. STEPHEN'S) BO'SEN_.

'Twas in Ninety One, d'ye see, Brave boys! With SOLLY I did sa-a-a-ail, When one Monday night We went out--_not_ to fight, But we went for to catch a Whale. Brave boys! We went for to catch a Whale!

There was dirty weather about, Brave boys! _Trade_-winds was blowin' a ga-a-a-le, When the Skipper sings out, As we chopped about, "My eyes! there goes _such_ a Whale! Brave boys! Dear eyes I there goes _such_ a Whale!"

It were the whoppingest Whale, Brave boys! As ever whisked a ta-a-a-il; In the trough o' the sea It was Labouring free. And a lashin' the waves like a flail, Brave boys! A lashin' the waves like a flail.

We had heard o' that Whale afore, Brave boys! Says SOLLY, "I'll go ba-a-a-ail, The Rads would roar If that monster they sor-r! But _we_ want to catch that Whale, Brave boys! _We_ want to catch that Whale!

"Young GRANDOLPH[1] has kep' a look-out Brave boys! Wich it weren't of no awa-a-a-il. Brum JOEY[1], no doubt, Is a-cruisin' about, But _they_ mustn't catch that Whale, Brave boys! No, _they_ mustn't catch that Whale."

There was only me and SOLLY, Brave boys! In that boat, with never a sa-a-a-il; And, it may seem folly, But we both was jolly, For we meant for to catch that Whale, Brave boys! _We_ meant for to _catch_ that Whale!

No harpoon, or such tackle _we_ took. Brave boys! For we knowed they was no ava-a-a-il. No, we went for to look For that Whale--_with a hook_. _That's_ how we went for that Whale, Brave boys! That's how _we_ went for that Whale!

We knowed that a sprat was _the_ bait, Brave boys! What was never knowed for to fa-a-a-il. So the sprat _I_ throwed, Whilst SOLLY, _he_ rowed, That's how we angled for that Whale, Brave boys! That's how we angled for that Whale!

He lashed, and he dashed, and he splashed, Brave boys! And he _spouted_ on a werry big sca-a-a-le. But the skipper, he still held on, And that sprat what I have telled on, I dangled,--for to catch that Whale, Brave boys! I dangled,--for to catch that Whale!

"Strike! turn yer winch, pull in yer line! Brave boys! (Sings out SOLLY) and yer prize you'll na-a-a-il!" Then a rummy thing did 'appen Wich amazed me and the Cap'en; _I_ struck,--but so did that Whale, Brave boys! I _struck_--but so did that Whale!

We found he was the better at a _Strike_, Brave boys! Fhwisk! He hit us _such_ a wallop with his ta-a-a-il. With my hook, sprat, tackle too He just vanished from our view. So--_we haven't yet caught that Whale_, Brave boys! No,--_we haven't yet caught that Whale!_

[Footnote 1: Supposed to be rival whaling captains.]

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SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE.--The name of the "unknown steamer laden with gums and ivory," reported as having passed down the Congo last week, has been discovered to be _The Dentist_.

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THE LATEST IN TELEGRAMS.

(_SEE DAILY PAPERS PASSIM._)

[ALL FROM THE RAZZLE-DAZZLE AGENCY.]

HUKIEWAUKIE, _February 28_.

An extraordinary incident has just stirred the heart of this populous Western centre to its depths. Some fifteen years ago Colonel ZACHARY B. DIBBS, one of the most prominent citizens of Hukiewaukie (then a mere collection of log-huts), disappeared without leaving any address to which his letters and papers were to be forwarded. Mrs. DIBBS, who was then about to give birth to the seventh scion of the house of DIBBS, was inconsolable, and ordered the fish-ponds in the vicinity to be subjected to a rigorous scrutiny. All her conjugal efforts proved fruitless, the missing Colonel was nowhere to be found, and, after a decent interval spent in the wearing of widow's weeds, Mrs. DIBBS was led to the local registrar's office by Sheriff's Deputy ORLANDO T. STRUGGLES. Time went on, and five flourishing STRUGGLESES were added by the former Mrs. DIBBS to the population of the town. On Thursday last, however, Colonel DIBBS was discovered by his eldest son, Mr. JERNIAH N. DIBBS, the well-known notary public, sitting in his familiar seat in the Fifth Street Saloon, drinking rum-shrub out of a tumbler. An explanation followed. Sheriff's Deputy STRUGGLES, in the handsomest manner, offered to resign all claim to the possession of the Colonel's spouse. The Colonel, however, would not hear of this. Finally it was decided to spin a five-dollar green-back for the lady. An inopportune gust of wind, however, carried off the fateful money, and the momentous question is still undecided. The Colonel has announced his intention of continuing a bachelor, even if he has to fight the matter up to the Supreme Court, and a large majority of the inhabitants of the town are willing to support him, with a view to making this a test case.

MUNCHAUSENVILLE, _March 2_.

Yesterday, as one of the chief tiger-purveyors of this city was engaged in exercising his _troupe_ of fiery, untamed tigers, in the main street, two of the ferocious animals escaped from the string which has usually been found sufficient for their confinement. A general stampede of the inhabitants immediately followed, the majority finding refuge in the bar of the recently constructed Hotel Columbia, Mayor MADDERLEY and his amiable consort were, however, not so fortunate. The Mayor, being shortsighted, mistook the two denizens of the jungle for a couple of performing poodles, to whose training he had devoted much of his leisure, and who, as it happened, were at that precise moment expected on their return from the post-office, with the Mayor's mail in their mouths--a trick which had often amused the Mayor's friends. Mr. MADDERLEY advanced to stroke his supposed pets, and was much surprised to find himself torn in pieces before he had time to send for the city mace. Mrs. MADDERLEY, a stout, plethoric lady, would have been the next victim, had she not, with extraordinary presence of mind, declared herself dead the moment the animals approached her. This deceit (which, however, has been the subject of grave censure in many pulpits,) saved her life. Maddened by the taste of blood, the tigers next attacked Mr. LARIAT's grocery store. Here, however, they met their match in an army of Gorgonzola cheeses, which broke from their shelves, attacked the intruders with wonderful fury, and in ten minutes had so far subdued them that their owner was able to recapture them, and lead them home. The obsequies of Mr. MADDERLEY's shoes and his umbrella--all that was left of the unhappy Mayor--have just taken place amidst universal demonstrations of sympathy. The funeral _cortège_ took an hour to pass a given point. Widow MADDERLEY proposes to sue the owner of her late husband's assassins.

LYNCHVILLE, _March 3_.

Two brothers, named respectively JOHN and THOMAS, quarrelled here yesterday about the ownership of a clasp-knife. They drew their revolvers at the same instant, and fired at a distance of two paces. Strangely enough the two deadly bullets met in the air, and, their force being exactly equal, they stopped dead and dropped to the ground, whence they were afterwards picked up and presented to the trustees of the Lynchville Museum of Fine Art. Nothing daunted, the fraternal contestants set to work with their bowie-knives, and were only separated after JOHN had inflicted on THOMAS ten mortal wounds and received from him one less. It is generally admitted that nothing could have been fairer than the conduct of the police, who formed a _cordon_ round the duellists, and thus prevented the fussy interference which has so often brought similar affairs to a premature termination. The two coffins are to be of polished walnut-wood, and will be provided by the Friendly Society to which the two deceased belonged, as a last mark of affection and regard.

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"LA RIXE."

(IRISH DONNYBROOK VERSION.)

AIR--"_PACKINGTON'S POUND_."

_Oirish Gentleman loquitur_:--

Spilt mugs, chairs fallen, and scattered tables,-- That's Oirish shindy, me bhoys, all over! "Union of Hearts" and such plisant fables, Won't greatly hamper the free-foight lover. What do you mean, Ye paltry spalpeen? True Oirish hearts from Old England to wean? Faix, not a bit of it! We'll jist have none of it! They're foighting frindly, and jist for the fun of it!

There's bould PARNELL, he looks fierce and fell, Wid his savage face, and his snickersnee steely. Faix, wouldn't he loike that same to stroike All into the gizzard of Misther HEALY? He looks so sullen At the pair a pullin' At his sinewy arm, and his onset mullin'! That thraitor, TIM, he'd be having his will on, But for tearful O'BRIEN, and dismal DILLON.

As for tarin' TIM, he'd be hot at _him_, Wid his ready sword from its scabbard flashin'! But that meddlin' JUSTIN will be a thrustin' Himself betune 'em, the duel dashin'! Och, I assure ye, Nor judge nor jury Could abate their ardour, or assuage their fury. Faix, Mount Vaysuvius, wid its flame and smother, Must take a back sate--whin _they_ get at each other!

Och! a rale ruction hath a swate seduction, For us Oirish, BULL, though it mayn't be _your_ way. PARNELL's a rum fish, and he seems to "scumfish" That Grand Ould Gintleman paping in at the doorway. Ye may call it "_Rixe_," Though I can't quite fix Its mayning; a plague on all polyglot thricks! Sthand asoide, O'BRIEN, DILLON, MCCARTHY! Let 'em foight it out--shure that's Oirish and hearthy!

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, February 23_.--House empty to-night. Even the fog keeps out; nothing more important under consideration than Army Vote, including expenditure of £5,632,700. "And precious little too," says Colonel LAURIE, doing sentry march in the Lobby. "Wages going up everywhere! labour of all classes but one paid on higher scale than it used to be; but TOMMY ATKINS and his Colonel getting just the same now as they did twenty years ago, when living was much cheaper. There ought to be a rise all round, and so there would be, if the Army, following example of other organised bodies of day labourers, were to strike; think I'll mention it at Mess; should begin at the top. Why shouldn't the Colonels and Generals assemble in their hundreds, march to Hyde Park, where H.R.H. would address them from a stoutly-made tub? Moral effect would be enormous; shall certainly mention it at Mess. Perhaps, could get some practical hints from JOHN BURNS."

These remarks dropped by the Colonel before debate opened. During its progress received support from unexpected quarter. HARTINGTON, suddenly waking up from usual nap on Front Bench, wanted to know when War Office is going to carry out recommendation of Royal Commission on re-organisation of Naval and Military Departments? STANHOPE said everything turned upon vacancy in post of Commander-in-Chief. When that berth empty, the machine would move. No chance of immediate vacancy; the DOOK very comfortable where he is; not the sort of man to retire in face of enemy. The only way to carry out scheme recommended by Commissioners after prolonged inquiry was to get rid of the DOOK.

"I do trust," said STANHOPE, winking at the Strangers' Gallery, "that the public will not interfere in this matter. They have had the Report of the Commission in their hands for months. They have taken no notice of it, or any action upon it. I do hope, now their attention has been called to the matter by my noble and Radical friend opposite, they will not get up a fuss and insist that necessary and important reforms in the Army shall not be indefinitely postponed in order that the DOOK may draw his salary and enjoy his position. If the great mass of public opinion outside the Army plainly declared their wishes in that direction, we should have to yield; but, as I said before," and once more the Secretary furtively dropped his left eyelid as he looked up at the Strangers' Gallery, "I hope the public will not change their attitude on this subject."

"That's all very well," said LAURIE, who had now entered the House. "But it seems to me that when H.R.H. reads this curious speech, he'll be more inclined to fall in with our movement. In my mind's eye, I can already see him on the tub in Hyde Park, haranguing the mob of Colonels from under an umbrella."

_Business done_.--Army Estimates in Committee.

_Tuesday_.--Decidedly a Labour night, with Capital incidentally mentioned. First, OLD MORALITY announces appointment of Royal Commission to inquire into relations between Capital and Labour. His placid mind evidently disturbed by undesirable coincidence. On Saturday night, GRANDOLPH, suddenly remembering he had constituents at West Paddington, took a penny Road Car, and paid them visit. Delivered luminous speech on things in general. Recommended appointment of Royal Commission on relations between Labour and Capital. To uninstructed mind looks uncommonly like as if Ministers, reading this speech on Monday morning, had said to each other, "Halloa! here's RANDOLPH in the field again. Says we must have Labour Commission; suppose we must."

Nothing of the kind happened. Cabinet Council met at noon on Saturday and decided upon Royal Commission. GRANDOLPH didn't speak for some hours later. Odd that he should have hit on this Commission business; just like his general awkwardness of interference. Must prevent all possibility of mistake; so OLD MORALITY, in announcing Commission, innocently, but pointedly, stops by the way to mention that Ministers had decided upon it "last Saturday."

Wish GRANDOLPH had been here; would like to have seen the twinkle in his eye when he heard this little point made. But GRANDOLPH busy down by the Docks, picking up his outfit. Secret of the sudden and surprising growth of the beard out now. GRANDOLPH off to the gold-diggings, and beard usually worn there. Hardly knew him when I looked in the other day at Connaught Place; trying on his new things; pair of rough unpolished boots coming over his knees; belt round his waist holding up his trousers and conveniently suspending jackknife, tin pannikin, and water-bottle. "For use on the voyage," he explains. Then a flannel shirt open at the neck; a wide-awake cocked on one side of his head; and a pickaxe on his shoulder.

"I'm tired of civilisation, TOBY, and I am off to the diggins. Leave you and OLD MORALITY, and the MARKISS and JACOBY to look after politics. As for me, I'm going to look for gold. I'm not rushing blindfold into the matter. I've studied it with the highest and the deepest authorities--and what do I learn? Native gold is found crystallised in the forms of the octahedron, the cube, and the dodecahedron, of which the cube is considered as the primary form. It also occurs in filiform, capillary, and arborescent shapes, as likewise in leaves or membranes, and rolled masses. It offers no indications of internal structure, but, on being separated by mechanical violence, exhibits a hackly fracture. Its colour comprises various shades of gold yellow. Its specific gravity varies from 14.8 to 19.2. It is commonly alloyed by copper, silver, and iron, in very small proportions. I mean, if I may say so, to unalloy it"; and, swinging the pick round his head with a dexterity that testified to natural aptitude combined with diligent practice, GRANDOLPH chipped a fragment out of the marble mantelpiece, and, picking it up, eagerly examined it, as if in search of a hackly fracture.

I wished him good luck, and went back to the House, where I found BIDDULPH smiling behind SPEAKER's chair, watching ATKINSON illustrating the working of his Duration of Speeches Bill by ringing a muffin-bell, borrowed from a Constituent.

_Business done_.--Miscellaneous.

_Thursday_.--Should have been at work to-night on Army Estimates; but things getting a little mixed. Nearly 150 Members picknicking at Portsmouth; all the Colonels, the Bo'suns, the Captains, and the Admirals.

"Capital opportunity to get on with the Estimates," JACKSON whispered in OLD MORALITY's ear.

"No," said that pink of chivalry, "I will never take mean advantage of a man, even of an Admiral. Let us put on the Factories and Workshops Bill; won't take long; keep us going till they get back from Portsmouth."

So HOME SECRETARY moved Second Reading. "Mere formality, you know," he explained; "shall refer Bill to Committee on Trade, and there it will be thrashed out and shaped." But floodgates once opened not easily shut. The Factories and Workshops mean the Working-Man; Working-Man has Vote; General Election not far off; must show Working-Man who's his true friend. Everybody his true friend. Speeches by the dozen; COMPTON, after long sitting in patient attitude at last caught SPEAKER's eye. "A milk-and-water Bill," he scornfully characterised HOME SECRETARY's measure.

"Ah! COMPTON knows what the Working-Man likes," said WILFRID LAWSON. "A rum-and-milk Bill is more to _his_ taste."

LYON PLAYFAIR delivered one of his luminous Lectures; full of reference to "certifying surgeons," and "half-time children."

"What's a half-time child?" I asked CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN.

"Fancy it's one prematurely born," he whispered back. "But really don't know; not on in this scene; ask MUNDELLA or pleeceman."

LYON PLAYFAIR knew all about it and much else.

"Wonderful man!" said the Member for SARK, gazing admiringly on his massive brow. "Always reminds me of what SYDNEY SMITH said about another eminent person. 'Look at my little friend JEFFREY. He hasn't body enough to cover his mind decently with. His intellect is indecently exposed.'"

_Business done_.--Factory and Workshops Bill read a Second Time.

_Friday_.--PROVAND brought on Motion raising vexed question of Taxation of Land. OLD MORALITY always on look-out to do kind thing; thought this would be good opportunity of trotting out CHAPLIN; had no chance of distinguishing himself since he became Minister. So CHAPLIN put up; made mellifluous speech. Unfortunately, Mr. G. present; listened to CHAPLIN with suspicious suavity; followed him, and, as JEMMY LOWTHER puts it, "turned him inside out, and hung him up to dry." Played with him like a cat with a mouse; drew him out into damaging statements; then danced on his prostrate body. About the worst quarter of an hour CHAPLIN ever had in House, with JOKEM on one side of him, and OLD MORALITY on other, tossing about on their seats, exchanging groans and glances, while CHAPLIN mopped the massive brow on which stood forth iridescent gleams of moisture.

"Meant it all for the best," said OLD MORALITY; "but who'd have thought of Mr. G. being here? CHAPLIN's a great Minister of Agriculture; but, when it comes to questions of finance, not quite on a par with Mr. G." _Business done_.--House Counted Out.

* * * * *

CHAMBERS IN ST. JAMES'S STREET.

_THE IDLER_, by HADDON CHAMBERS, is a real good play, thoroughly interesting from the rising to the setting of the Curtain. The parts are artistically adjusted, the dialogue unforced, the acting un-stagey, and the situations powerfully dramatic. The climax is reached at the "psychological moment," and the Curtain descends upon all that a sympathetic audience can possibly desire to know of what must be once and for all _the_ story of a life-time. "The rest is silence." Throughout the play there is no parade of false sentimentality, no tawdry virtue, no copy-book morality, no vicious silliness; and, so well constructed is the plot, that there is no need of a wearisome extra Act, by way of postscript, to tell us how all the characters met again at the North Pole or Land's End; how everybody explained everything to everybody else; how the Idler, becoming a busy-body, married the widow of _Sir John Harding, M.P._, who had had the misfortune to be drowned out shrimping; and how many other matters happened for which the wearied audience would not care one snap of the finger and thumb. On another occasion I shall have something to say about the acting, which, as far as the men are concerned, has certainly not been equalled since the days of _Peril_. The St. James's is in for a good thing with _The Idler_; and at this moment I may say, I would be ALEXANDER were I not, briefly,

DIOGENES "THE TUBMAN," B.C.L.

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ACTING--ON A SUGGESTION.--_The Woman_, always well informed, tells us on February 26, that, "owing to numerous applications," Mr. C.T. GREIN is negotiating for the Royalty Theatre, in order to give another Ibsenian performance. Now this is exactly what we suggested in our number for February 14. If the date suits, we will go and see _Ghosts_, and, if we succeed in keeping up our spirits after seeing _Ghosts_, we will give a candid opinion on the performance of the piece which hitherto we know only in print. _En attendant_, we shall have something to say about the recent performance of that piece of Ibsenity _A Doll's House_--in our next.

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WHAT'S IN A NAME?--On the recent occasion of the QUEEN's visit to Portsmouth, no one of the officials seems to have been more on the alert and more generally alive than Mr. DEADMAN, the Chief Constructor of the Yard.

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"EN ITERUM CRISPINUS!"--_Hamlet_ on the real distinction between Theatres and Music Halls--

"To B. (and S.) or not to B. (and S.) _that_ is the question!"

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HAPPY PROSPECT.--The Wild Birds, if the Bill for their protection becomes law, will remember, the Session of 1891 as a year of PEASE and Quiet.

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.