Chapter 2

_Lect._ (_taking card_). Nothing easier. (_Speaking through telephone._) Put us on to Grand Hotel, Paris, Room 1564. (_To Customer_.) A shilling please, Madam. Thank you, and here you are.

_Mild Y.L._ (_taking receivers_). Oh, thank you. (_She places them to her ears and then drops them hurriedly._) Oh dear me! She has kept him waiting, and he is using _such_ bad language! You ought to have told me.

_Lect._ We can't guarantee language. Why, would you believe it, Madam, that sometimes we have complaints of things said in Norway! Pray Ladies and Gentlemen, make your selection. (_To Intelligent-looking Stranger._) Can I tempt you. Sir? They are playing a new piece at Chicago. It is excellent, I am told--a domestic comedy. Next week, if it's successful, we shall produce it with scenery and effects on the kinetograph. Try it, Sir?

_Intelligent Stranger_. I don't mind if I do, (_Raising receivers._) Call this a domestic comedy? Why I can hear firing!

_Lect._ Very strange, Sir. Nothing in the plot to account for it,

_Intell. Stran._ Stay, you say it's in Chicago! I know what the firing means! They don't like the piece, and they are shooting the Author!

_Lect._ Of course, Sir! (_To Small Boy._) And now my little man, what do _you_ want?

_Small Boy_. Please, Sir, I have got a shilling to spend in hearing something from somewhere all the world over.

_Lect._ (_producing programme_). Here is a list of our stations. You see we have wires laid on to all parts of Europe, Africa, Asia, and America. Next Tuesday we shall be in communication with Australia. And now, what will you have?

_Small Boy_. I don't know. Something exciting, please.

_Lect._ Well, you can hear, by taking these, a number of Astronomers discussing in Committee the transit of Venus. Or, if you listen to these, you will hear a chat about the floating of the next Russian loan, held in one of the centres of speculation, to wit, the Bourse at Vienna. Most interesting, I can assure you. Which will you have?

_Small Boy_. Oh, please, I don't care for astronomy, and am too young to understand finance.

_Lect._ Now, here's a Bull Fight--you can distinctly hear the shouts--and here's a Chinese execution.

_Small Boy_. Oh, _that_ will be nice. Which shall I have?

_Lect._ Can't say--you pay your money, and you take your choice! And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am ready for your commands.

[_Attends to other Customers as the Scene closes in. Curtain._

* * * * *

THE VERY WILDEST WEST.

["The idea of transporting the Coliseum at Rome to the shores of Lake Michigan has been broached in all seriousness. The American Syndicate who desire to make the Coliseum an attractive feature of the Chicago Exhibition, rely for success on the financial necessities of the Italian Government."--_Daily Paper_.]

(BY ATLANTIC CABLE.)

_PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N TO KING H-MB-RT._

A Chicago Syndicate has asked me to mention that they want your Coliseum. What price do you ask? They would be glad of it for the World-Fair, which will be about the biggest thing ever seen on this planet. No trouble to you. _We_ take all risks!

_KING H-MB-RT TO PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N._

Cannot discuss Coliseum subject till you've settled New Orleans lynching business in conformity with International Law.

_PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N TO KING H-MB-RT._

All right. Thought you'd say that. Chicago Syndicate willing to meet your views about New Orleans. Do you want leading members of Grand Jury shipped quietly over to Italy, or what? Syndicate will do anything to oblige. Says it _must_ have Coliseum, especially by moonlight. Intends starting realistic scenes with Gladiators, Lions, and Christian Martyrs.

_KING H-MB-RT TO PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N._

On reflection, afraid people here wouldn't like it. Sorry to have to decline your offer.

_PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N TO KING H-MB-RT._

_You_ want ready cash. _We_ want Coliseum. Why not strike bargain? Syndicate offers five million dollars. Useful for your next Budget. You can remit no end of taxes. People sure to like _that_.

_KING H-MB-RT TO PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N._

Couldn't let it go so cheap. Have you thought of Parthenon? Greek Government might part with it as a loan, on reasonable terms.

_PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N TO KING H-MB-RT._

Thanks for suggesting Parthenon. Chicago Syndicate thinks it's not good enough. Couldn't bring in the Lions and Martyrs very well. Also Parthenon by moonlight not such a safe draw as Coliseum.

_KING H-MB-RT TO PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N._

Might think of it if you increased offer to _ten_ million dollars, and would promise to return it within two years, in good repair, fair wear and tear alone excepted.

_PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N TO KING H-MB-RT._

Syndicate says if they have to pay so much for Coliseum, _and_ return it, they must have remains of Forum thrown in.

_KING H-MB-RT TO PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N._

Don't think we could spare ruins of Forum. Have you thought of Vatican? We could easily spare _that_. Why not approach the POPE on the subject?

_PRESIDENT H-RR-S-N TO KING H-MB-RT._

No, thanks! Sorry to have troubled you for nothing, but Syndicate has now arranged to build a Coliseum of its own, double the size of yours, and to reproduce Forum, Parthenon, Capitol, Vatican, as well as Windsor Castle and Westminster Abbey, out of old brown paper, compressed and hardened by a new process. Ta-ta for present! Hope you'll get over next Budget all right.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ALL ADRIFT; OR, THREE MEN IN A PUNT.

["The uncertainty as to the course of business, justifies, to a certain extent, the criticisms of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT and Mr. LABOUCHERE, upon the proceedings of the Government."--_The Times_.]

_B-lf-r_. Humph! Shifting ground again! I did think we were in for a quiet swim and good sport.

"Oh! the jolly angler's life Is the beat of any!"

Yes, that's all very fine, IZAAK. But it depends upon your pitch--and your companions. I say, G-SCH-N, what _are_ you up to? Don't let the punt swing round like that, man, I was nearly over, and my tackle's fouled.

_G-sch-n_ (_struggling with pole_). All very well for you to sit coolly there and criticise me, ARTHUR! _Wh-o-o-of!_ Confound the punt, it's all over the place, and the stream's like a mill-race.

_B-lf-r_. Well, hold on to the pole, JOKIM, or we shall be all adrift. We'd better have kept to our first pitch; it _was_ quiet there, and we hooked one or two sizeable ones. (_Aside._) Fact is, you're such a fidget, you lose your fish, and then want to change the pitch.

_G-sch-n_ (_aside_). That's right, grumble, grumble! Dawdling duffer, he sprawls across the well in one of his infernal æsthetic attitudes, picks the best swim, and girds at us who have to handle the poles. Wonder SM-TH stands it.

_Sm-th_ (_aside_). Well, it's a good job I'm back in the punt. G-SCH-N may be all very well at a right-away race in a wager-boat, when the money's on, and I've seen him do a decent bit of bank-fishing in a pegged-down match; but he _doesn't_ shine as a punter, though he fancies himself a second ABEL BEASLEY. (_Aloud._) Hitch on that chain, JOKIM!

_G-sch-n_ (_blowing_). Hang it, I can't.

[_Punt oscillates dangerously, nearly tipping over B-LF-R's chair, and making his rod wobble._

_B-lf-r_. For Heaven's sake, G-SCH-N, mind what you're up to! My hook's foul in a snag, and you've nearly snapped my top-joint.

_G-sch-n._ Well, wind up, then!

_B-lf-r_ (_muttering, and wrestling with his rod_). All very well, man, but I've got to get clear first. Keep her still a minute, do.

[_G-SCH-N "holds on" till he gets red in the face, whilst B-LF-R tugs at his tackle._

_Sm-th_ (_shoving strenuously_). My duty--to my--pals and punt--must be done--at any cost; but if this is--"the contemplative man's recreation,"--give me a hammock at Greenlands! (_Puffs and blows. Aloud._) Are you all right, there, G-SCH-N?

_G-sch-n_ (_petulantly_). All right be blowed! What are _you_ up to?

_Sm-th_ (_mildly_). Trying to keep you straight, of course, my dear boy?

_G-sch-n_. Oh! I like _that_!

_B-lf-r_ (_working away at his winch_). Humph! We've stirred up a quiet swim, wasted a lot of ground-bait, lost several fish, and--now where are we?

_Sm-th_. Look out, G-SCH-N! We shall be foul of that awkward snag if we're not careful! Let's settle down here.

_G-sch-n_ (_stabbing wildly with his pole_). All very well--but I can't find bottom that will hold. Shove, SM-TH, and keep your end up!

_Sm-th_. Just what I'm trying to do. [_Pushes gallantly._

_B-lf-r_. Nice chance for hooking 'em after this infernal stir-up! Take me half an hour to get my tackle out of tangle, and then it'll be close on to shutting-up time. One big 'un and two or three little ones not much to return with. Look at those impudent young rascals chyiking us from the banks! Oh, for heaven's sake, you fellows, get her fixed!

_Sm-th_. Hear the weir roaring, G-SCH-N? We're getting too near "Danger," dear boy. That's right, you've got ground there. Now, then hold her up! hold her up!

_G-sch-n_ (_a tip-toe, and at an angle_). Dash it, how she drags! I was all but over! Come up! There, SM-TH, shove her up sharp, or I shall be off, or lose the pole!

_Sm-th_ (_shoving his hardest_). All right! Shove it is!! Hold on, G-SCH-N,--_I'm_ here!!!

_Rude Boys_ (_from the bank_). Yah--Boo! Better git out and walk, and let _hus_ pole that punt for yer?

* * * * *

* * * * *

CHILD'S CHIT-CHAT.

(_POSSIBLY WRITTEN FOR PROPOSED INSERTION IN CERTAIN OF MR. PUNCH'S FEMININE CONTEMPORARIES._)

Dearest LENA,--We are now back from Herne Bay, where, staying at Mrs. ----'s[1] Boarding House, we met some of the smartest people. If ever you visit this delightful watering-place, mind you look Mrs. ---- up. She is a most charming creature, and the _poulet rôti au sauce pain_ at the _table d'hôte_, is simply charming. Her terms, considering the company you meet, are very reasonable. Now, I know you want to learn all about my new gowns. Well, the Pater insisted that I should send to the ---- Clothing Company, of ----, for patterns. He says (dear old boy!) that we should "patronise British Industry." I got, amongst other delightful notions, the cleverest idea possible in stripes, and intending to be very economical, bought a paper pattern from ---- in ---- Street. Well, I turned out, all by myself, a most stylish frock, which ISABELLE says suits me to the ground. But the task exhausted both my intelligence and industry. The rest of the materials I took to Madame ---- of ---- Street, and she is simply making them lovely! I think I told you that Madame ---- is supplying most of the dresses that will be worn at JESSIE JONES' (you know, the daughter of Lady JONES) wedding. Lady SMITH will look simply superb in rhubarb-tart satin, and the Countess of COLHOLEBOROUGH has a wonderful gown made of squash-beetled coloured velvet slashed with green, that is sure to be the talk of the Row until the end of the Season!

Of course, we have been to all the Private Views. We miss the Grosvenor very much, for the New is scarcely a substitute. However, I saw several smart people at the latter place--some of them ladies of title, my dear. At the door I found standing one of ----'s, of ---- Street, victorias. They are very nice, and, as they can be bought on the three years' hire system, most convenient. The pictures at the Academy struck me as rather dull this year. Of course, everybody is much struck with Mr. FILDES' "_Doctor_." By the way, if the poor little patient is suffering from influenza (as I fancy he is), he would have obtained immediate relief by taking ----'s ----. But leaving medical subjects out of the question, there are other gloomy pictures--besides patients, heaps of prisoners, and lots of paupers. Fortunately, most of these last are "skied," which is a blessing! I hear that the Academicians have bought Mr. CALDERON's picture out of the Chantrey Bequest. So selfish to deprive the public of the chance! However, as the subject is a little _risqué_, perhaps it is just as well that it _should_ be buried in the Diploma Gallery.

The usual gaiety last week. Mrs. PARAGRAPH PRESSCUTTERBY gave a magnificent Ball at ---- Square. The whole of the garden was covered in by Messrs. ----, of ---- Street, and the massed Bands of the Cavalry Brigade at ---- supplied the Music. The supper (furnished by Messrs. ----, of ---- Street), was served in the Lawn Cricket Saloon, and the gigantic apartment was crammed the whole evening. I know you like recipes. I extract the following from ----'s _Guide to Grub_, a capital _brochure_ published at a shilling.

"Pick, wash (in plenty of water), and drain 2 lbs. of crab-shells without bruising them. Pare and core some well shaped apples. When these are well heated, add the spinach. Cut into neat slices a dish of lamb's fry, and fry it a nice brown in the bacon liquor. Boil all together till the syrup is reduced to half the quantity, then lay the lemon peel on the apples, and pour the syrup over them."

It is a Russian dish, and is called Böösh. You must tell me what you think of it. Ever your most loving friend, SYLLIE.

[Footnote 1: Names and addresses of tradespeople, &c., editorially suppressed until arrangements have been completed in the Advertisement Department.]

* * * * *

* * * * *

ROBERT AT THE DARBY.

By sum strange cohincidence as I ain't the least abel to account for, the annual buthday of my much better half fell this year on the grate Darby Day! and so we both agreed as weed have one more jolly happy day together, ewen if so be as we never had another. So off I sets, and I takes two box seats houtside a homnibus and four spanking Bays, I think they calls 'em, coz they was such a butiful dark brown colour, and for which I paid no less than 12s. 6d. a peace, and with our pockets pretty well stuffed full of sanwiches, and jest a nice little flarsk of summut nice, never mind what, off we sets for the City at nine a clock, hay hem, and at nine forty by the church clock off we starts on our perrylus journey, reddy, as the Poet says, to dash through thick and thin.

As it appened it was fortunet as we was so prepared, for, strange to say, we hadn't got so werry far from Lundon Bridge, when, by sum mistake of the Clark of the whether, as our jolly Coachman told us, it began for to rain, but he said as how as he knowd as much about the Darby wether as most men, as he'd driven there about twenty times in the larst duzzen years, and what we was a having was ony a parsing shower. How it was I coudnt quite undustand, for whether we druv fast or whether we druv slow, doose a bit coud we get away from that parsing shower. However, tho' we did both get jolly wet, we had sum capital fun, for we seed no less than too coaches and four upset in the road, and to see the poor passengers all a standing in the mud, which it was about amost up to their nees, and a wundering what time they shood get to the Darby, was more than enuff to console us, and we all larfed artily and left 'em. Such is human Natur!

Before we both got quite wet through, I got my best beloved a seat inside, and, strange to say, although she was werry much scrowged, she axshally prefurrd it to setting out in the rain along of me. It may have bin thorts of her new Bonnet. Such agane is human Natur! Luckily, jest after she left me, one of our wheels sunk down in a werry deep ole, and all on us on my side had to get down into the fearful mud, and wait till our gallant steeds pulled it out again, and, unluckily, the one as pulled hardest, let his foot slip, and sent a reglar shower of whity-brown mud all over me from top to toe, or rayther, from At to Boots, and I was in that orful state that all our set, Coachman and all, acshally roared with larfter. Such again, I fears, is human Nature!

When we got to the Darby, in course our fust thort was lunch, but afore I coud get beyond laying the cloth, there came such a reglar buster of an ail storm that we was all drove hunder the homnibus for shelter, and when it leaved off, and I went on the roof, the table cloth was about three inches thick with round ale stones! Ah, that was a difficult lunch that was, and beat all my xperience in that line.

I didn't see much of the race, I didn't, for as it pored in torrents all the time, I had to seek for a shelter, and under a omnibus is not a werry favrabel place to get a good view of a horse-race, but ewery body seemed to speak of it as a werry common one, whatever that may mean. However we was hamply reckompensed by the most wunderful site as praps was hever seen in the shape of humberellers. Heverybody had one, and heverybody put it hup, so, as my better harf poetically expressed it, it was xacly like a most butiful field of henormous mushrooms a hopening out theirselves to the morning hair!

We was remarkably fortnate in cumming back, as it didn't rain near so much as it did in the morning, and quite left off jest as we got home. My sweet darling didn't grumbel a bit at me for giving her such a reglar damper for her birthday, but the werry larst thing as she did say that night was, "Thank you, ROBERT dear, for your little holliday, but I think that we won't spend my next buthday at the Darby!"

ROBERT.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE COLISEUM--AT CHICAGO!

(_IMITATED--AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE--FROM_ E.A. POE.)

["It is stated that a Syndicate of American Capitalists has been formed with the object of purchasing the remains of the Coliseum at Rome, and transporting them to Chicago."]

"_BARTERED_ TO MAKE A _YANKEE_ HOLIDAY."

I.

Type of wolf-nurtured Rome! Rich reliquary Of splendour (and of slaughter) left to Time, By centuries of ante-Yankee pomp! At length--at length--after so many days, Of ruined majesty, and rotting pride (Pride which Chicago will transmute to dollars), There is a chance for you, a right smart chance, Of turning to some profitable end Thy size, thine age, thy grandeur, gloom, and glory!

II.

Vastness! and Age! and Memories of Eld! Silence! and Desolation! and dim Night! Where are ye now? POE said _he_ felt your strength, But POE was but a poet. Better far Be turned to "bizness" in a dime Museum, Or trotted out, for cents, at the World's Fair Than rot away beneath Rome's ruddy stars!

III.

Here a smart Syndicate shall set you up, Here, where we slaughter swine as Rome did slaves, (A sanguine carnival of sausage-meat), Here, where Chicago belles their braided hair Pile in Greek knots,--to gaze on brawn and gristle! Here, where in gilded cars the pork-kings loll, Driven Mammon-like unto their marble homes, Lit by the wan light of the electric arc, Swift-wheeled and silent-tyred o'er wood or stone.

IV.

You'll _pay_! These walls--these ivy-clad arcades-- These mouldering plinths--these sad and blackened shafts-- These vague entablatures--this wreck--this ruin-- Are worth the carriage o'er the Atlantic foam, And the tall price that Italy will ask,-- _If_ she should cell you to Porkopolis!

V.

"No fear!"--Bourse Echoes answer me--"_no_ fear!" Italy is hard up, her bare Exchequer Forebodes financial ruin to her realm. We many-dollared Syndicates rule all. We rule the hearts of Ministers--we rule With a despotic sway ambitious minds; We are omnipotent. Shall pallid stones Contend for power with us?--shall antique fame, Or mere word-wizardry of old renown, Match the gold-magic that encircles _us_, "Rings," "Corners," "Syndicates"? Ridiculous! Not all the mysteries that hang upon Old Edax Rerum like a wizard's garment, May match that Master-Mage--the Almighty Dollar!!

* * * * *

OUR PARTICULAR TIP COMES OFF RIGHT!

You may remember that last week, just before the Derby, I furnished you with a prophecy. So that there might be no doubt about it, I named the absolute First, Second, and Third. Said I (page 255), "We may take it that the winner will be found out of the _Common_." But this was not enough. That all should secure One, Two, and Three, I wrote, "Well might FRANÇOIS PREMIER have observed (as I do), 'Bravo, _Gouverneur_!'" implying that the French horse was certain of a place. But I went further still; I gave the Third. I carefully introduced in my short article the name of every probable starter, save _Martenhurst_, who consequently became "the Field." And what did I say of the Field? Why, "This year's Derby will be won by one of two. It will either fall to the Favourite or the Field." Surely this was good enough to point out No. 3? Cheques from grateful backers may be sent to 85, Fleet Street, addressed to THE ODD MAN OUT.

* * * * *

SAM WELLER ON "THE MELINITE DISCLOSURES."--"This here's the bold Tur_pin_."

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday Night, May 25_.--Members coming back in slightly increased numbers. HARCOURT returned from his wandering to and fro. AKERS-DOUGLAS back after his influenza experience; presently coming up to "tell" in a division, is welcomed by a cheer that rises as heartily from Opposition Benches as from Ministerial ranks. JACKSON also back out of the Shadowed Valley; GORST, in his place again, sprinkles fine pinches of sublimated cayenne pepper upon CRAWFORD and others who want to know about Manipur.

But though various benches filled up with familiar figures, Members look round in vain for one; finding it not, will not be comforted. Where is OLD MORALITY? Last time he was seen was on the Thursday preceding the holidays. He had come back newly elected for the Strand; took part in business of sitting; just before dinner Members had watched his lithe figure disappearing towards the doorway, and he had been seen no more. House had met again on the following night; had adjourned for the truncated holiday; had met again; and still OLD MORALITY's seat was vacant, and there dwelt in the fond memory only that parting back view.

JOKIM occupying, but not filling, OLD MORALITY's seat, wanted to talk about various things; but ever the conversation came back to the theme that filled all thoughts. HARCOURT wanted to know about fixing the day for debate on Manipur; HENRY FOWLER hankered after an understanding about the Factory and Workshops Bill. Everybody but JEMMY LOWTHER wanted to know about the Education Bill; TIM HEALY was curious to learn what course would be taken with respect to DE COBAIN. The answer was ever the same. "The House," said JOKIM, nervously rubbing his hands, "must await the return of my Right Hon. friend, which we expect will be celebrated on Wednesday."