Chapter 2

As he finished this pregnant and delightful aphorism, GORST looked up at the Peers' Gallery, where sat his Chief, GRAND CROSS, successor of CLIVE in the Government of India. His glance travelled downward, till it rested on the Treasury Bench, and fell gently on the figure of OLD MORALITY.

How DIZZY would have delighted in this speech, with this last exquisite touch! The SQUIRE of MALWOOD, in his secret breast, not less appreciative; but debate must be kept up, and he joined in the hue and cry with which Mediocrity resented this fresh and original way of treating things. Even CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN shook his head. "It is brilliant," he said, "but it is not discretion."

_Business done._--A good deal.

_Thursday._--Government met with awkward defeat on Factories Bill. Not quite certain to whom they chiefly owe it, whether to GORST or MATTHEWS. Question arose on SYDNEY BUXTON's Amendment, raising the age of child-labourers to a minimum of eleven years. Debate lasted all night; a pleasant contrast to the unreality of Irish Debate; Benches crowded; audience interested; speeches practical; GORST in attendance, though doubtful whether he would speak. Usually sits in modest retirement under shadow of SPEAKER's Chair. To-night marked slight difference of opinion from his colleagues by taking up corner-seat on Treasury Bench by Gangway, quite out of reach of hand-shake from HOME SECRETARY.

MUNDELLA, longing to be at MATTHEWS, waiting on Front Opposition Bench; MATTHEWS, earnestly desiring collision with MUNDELLA, lingered the long night through on Treasury Bench. At last dragged into arena by JOHN MORLEY. Painfully conscious of GORST on his right hand. Why couldn't he go away? Why sit there smiling when MATTHEWS floundered, and why turn over the pages of the Blue Book with such subtle air of contradiction when MATTHEWS quoted from proceedings of Berlin Conference?

As midnight drew on, excitement increased. Uncertain how Division would go. Rumours of possible defeat of the Government; AKERS-DOUGLAS moving about smiling; therefore all must be well. House surging with excitement; movement to and fro; a buzz of conversation rising above the voice of Member addressing the Chair. Only one placid figure under the glass roof. Seated in side Gallery facing Treasury Bench was J.S. BALFOUR; (no relation of Prince ARTHUR's, _bien entendu_) Question put; Division bell rang; the bustle of eight hundred departing feet disturbed J.S.B., and, stepping carefully down from the inconveniently high Bench, he walked out to take part in the Division.

"All very well, dear TOBY," he said, "talking about eleven being the age for half-timers. Eleven seems to me about the figure at which we should knock off here. When it gets on to twelve in this hot weather, I almost feel as if I could go to sleep." _Business done._--SYDNEY BUXTON's Amendment to Factories Bill carried by 202 Votes against 186.

_Friday._--Question to-night, how would Government take their defeat of yesterday? Soon settled; at earliest moment MATTHEWS appeared at table, announced that Government "fully and cordially" accepted decision of House. It was true that they had resisted, with fullest strength, SYDNEY BUXTON's proposal. He himself, in powerful speech, had demonstrated that, if Amendment were added to the Bill, the heavens would fall, and the British Empire would stagger to its doom. But that only his play; GORST really obliged to the House for beating them, and Clause would be added to Bill. Done accordingly. Report stage of Factories' Bill run through, and Third Reading taken.

Odd thing befell the universe last week. Happening to mention in this Diary WOOTON ISAACSON, Member for Tower Hamlets, the dissolute Artist drew fancy portrait of LEWIS ISAACS, Member for Newington; labelled it from _Dod_, "A Progressive Conservative." Oddly enough, both ISAACS and ISAACSON write themselves down in _Dod_ "A Progressive Conservative." So our Artist (occasionally quite clear-headed), got mixed up with the family; descended, so to speak, from ISAAC to ISAAC'S SON. Not quite sure to which apology is due. Just as well to mention it, so that, when the New Zealander reads his _Punch_ a century or two hence, he may have a clear conception of the actuality. _Business done_.--Quite a lot.

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MORE RUSSIAN TYRANNY.--_Punch_ is not admitted into Russia unless bound.

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"THE SHODKIN."

[In a Jewish divorce case it was alleged that the petitioner and respondent had been brought together by a "Shodkin." The Shodkin, it was explained, was a person who brought about marriages between members of the Jewish community, and was paid a fee by one or both the parties.]

"I thank thee, Jew, for teaching me that word."--_Merchant of Venice_.

"Give me new rhymes," the poet cries, "I want another rhyme for 'bodkin,'" And here comes dropping from the skies That comfortable word, "the Shodkin."

Long have I racked my brain for rhymes, I tried to drag in Mr. GODKIN; On Friday last I read my _Times_, _Eureka!_ down it goes--the Shodkin.

We live by verse, and how shall we This Hebrew middle-man disparage, To whom religion grants a fee, Paid by both sides, for making marriage?

Nay, Jew, we thank thee for the word, For Fate two Jews might haply sever; The busy Shodkin comes as third, And swiftly makes them one for ever.

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AN OPERATIC PUZZLE.

I had been informed that it was no use buying a book of _Mireille_, as those sold in the house were of a somewhat light and mis-leading character. So I didn't. But I had a programme, and fortunately I was able to recognise most of the singers in spite of their disguise. Also I comforted myself with the official information that the piece was to be performed, "by desire, in French." "Oho!" says I, to myself, "there is some sensible person on the Committee who doesn't understand Italian, and prefers 'French as she is sung.'" However, I recognised but one of the Covent Garden Committee men present, and he was there only in a casual sort of way. DRURIOLANUS wasn't _en évidence_; probably at home rehearsing various effects with a view to receiving the Imperial Majesty of Germany. These receptions, including "such a getting up (and down) stairs," walking with crab-like action, require a lot of rehearsal, not to mention the management of a sword which is apt to be dangerous only to the wearer, and the carrying of wax-lights, the effect of which on his official Court dress may recall to the mind of the Operatic Manager the celebrated name of GRISI. There was no one in authority to tell me anything about _Mireille_, and this is what I made out of the plot.

_Mireille_, Miss EAMES, charming throughout, is a happy peasant in beautiful little patent leather shoes, which, I hope, are as easy as apparently are her circumstances. She is beloved by one _Vincent_, pronounced _Van Song_, a peasant of a rather Whitechapelish-costermongerish-out-on-a-Sunday appearance, but picturesque withal. They are engaged; at least, if they are not they ought to be. Then comes a handsome elderly lady, disguised like a fairy godmother in a pantomime before she throws off her hood and announces her real character, and this lady, called _Taven_ in the bill, is Mlle. PASSAMA, who sings a song about a _papillon_, for what particular reason I do not know, except to please the audience, which it did, being encored, and to puzzle _Mireille_, in which it also succeeded, if I might judge by Miss EAMES's expressive countenance. And here I must observe that I found my intimate acquaintance with the French language almost useless, for except an occasional "_oui_," given, as _Jeames_ has it, "in excellent French," and for some allusions to "_le papillon_" just mentioned, and "_et alors_"--which didn't help me much, even when given twice most dramatically by M. ISNARDON,--I couldn't catch a single word, and as far as libretto went, it might have been, for me personally, given in double-Dutch, or the dialect of a South-African tribe.

On the disappearance of _Taven_,--[she didn't take off her cloak, and wasn't a fairy, which rather put me off the scent, I admit,]--in comes a gorgeous person, six feet high at least, and stout in proportion, who, as I gathered from the programme, was _Ourrias_ (what a name!), played by Signor CESTE, and sung with a kind of double vibrato stop in his organ, which seemed, when turned on full, to make the upper boxes quiver. Well, in he comes, and tells _Mireille_ something--what, I don't know--but this is how the row began, as, in less than five minutes, two old men, one M. ISNARDON, dramatic and in tune, and the other, not mentioned in my programme, and therefore pardonably somewhat out of tune, enter and commence a rumpus; what the difficulty was all about I am not clear, but the upshot was that the old man in tune cursed his daughter, and the old man out of tune held back his son VINCENT, and prevented him from first assaulting and then being assaulted by the irate _Maître Ramon_, i.e., M. ISNARDON. The Chorus of Unhappy Villagers forms _tableau_. End of Act the Second; in Act the First there was no action at all, and everything had gone off as pleasantly as possible.

Then, in Act III., there is a sandy desert--where?--Egypt?--Heaven, AUGUSTUS HARRIS, and the scene-painter, only know--and here comes on a mighty illigant shepherd with a pipe--to play, not to smoke--and one clever person near me was sure it was Miss EAMES in disguise, but it turned out to be Miss REGINA PINKERT, a piper of whom some present would willingly have paid to hear a little more; but she vanished, probably in search of her flock in the desert,--by the way, an excellent place for golf this desert,--and then in came _Mireille_ and _Taven_, when the latter, I fancy, tells _Mireille_ of the crime she has witnessed in the previous scene, which, I regret to say, I have omitted to mention from motives of delicacy. But alas! I can no longer conceal the fact. In that previous scene _Mr. Ourrias_ had behaved very badly in first losing his temper, and then sticking a dagger into poor _Vincent Lubert_, who fell down behind a rock, presumably dead.

The golf-ground is cleared off, and we are back again in front of the village church. But at this moment a person, who knew all about it, whispered, "If you want to get your cab, and escape the crush, now's the time, as the Opera is just over." So I hurried off, and to this moment I haven't the faintest idea how it all ended, and I don't quite understand how it began. However, I have recorded my impressions, confused probably, but--the music is very pretty, and Miss EAMES very charming.

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PARENTAL AUTHORITY.

_Typical British Father_ (_according to the Home Secretary_). Now, come, JANE and JIM, bundle up to your work. Look sharp!

_Government Inspector_. No, Mr. SIKES, I think not. Your youngsters have not touched eleven yet.

_Typical British Father_. But they're over ten.

_Government Inspector_. That don't matter. The age is altered. You'll just send your young kids back to the Board School again.

_Typical British Father_. Well, I call it downright robbery. Why, they supports me, they do; and what more fitter work can you find for the kids, but to support their parients with the sweat of their brow. Why, I thought the 'OME SECRETARY was all on our side.

_Government Inspector_. Well, he's been beat, that's all. The country don't see the fun of sending children of tender years away from their proper training, to wear out their young bodies and poison their young systems in beastly close, ill-ventilated work-rooms, and all just to bring in an extra bit of money to enable their parents, like you, to laze and loaf at home, and, maybe, spend their hardly-earned wage on drink. However, you'll have to dock it, Mr. SIKES.

_Typical British Father_. Well, I call it downright bloomin' robbery. It's more. It's a invasion of the sacred rights of the British working man's domestic home. It's a infringement of the liberty of the subject, that's wot it is. It's a teaching the young 'uns rebellion against their natural protectors. It's a bloomin' shame!

[Government Inspector _leads them off delighted_. Typical British Father _left swearing_.

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UNSELFISH HELP BY SMILES.--"Dr. QUAIN's advice to doctors," says Mr. JAMES PAYN in the _Illustrated London News_, "always 'to look cheerful,' ought to be written in letters of gold." So it is: in notes, or cheques. When the eminent novelist has to send for Dr. QUAIN, the latter will beam on him, and tell him a good story. The labour he delights in will "physic PAYN."

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POLITICAL ASIDES;

OR, TRUTH IN PARENTHESES.

(_VERY FREELY ADAPTED FROM_ THOMAS HOOD.)

_Fond Mother_. I really take it vastly kind, This visit, my dear creature! A family likeness here you'll find. (Like _hers_? Not in one feature!)

_Friendly Visitor_. Only too happy, I am sure, To see the little darling, Our family friendships _are_ so pure! (They find effect in snarling.)

_Fond Mother_. Well, dear, with _your_ experience, Your aid must be of value. You've not yet given its help immense. (Nor, if I know it, _shall_ you!)

_Friendly Visitor_. Ah! Good Nurse G-SCH-N, is she out, That you the babe are dandling? Sweet-tempered child and strong, no doubt! (The brat wants careful handling.)

_Fond Mother_. G-SCH-N and D-KE are both at hand, But I'm so proud to show it. The weakness _you_ will understand (Envious, and knows I know it!)

_Friendly Visitor_. Mothers must be as vigilant As--say 'Bus-strikers' pickets. It cries, dear! What does baby want? (Half-starved, and has the rickets!)

_Fond Mother_. Which, think you, the best Infant's Food? You see there are so many; I know your judgment is so good! (Not worth a single penny!)

_Friendly Visitor_. Well, dear, don't swaddle it too tight. That ruins the digestion, And--Forster's Food I've found work right. (She'll relish _that_ suggestion!)

_Fond Mother_. Humph! Rather out of date, I fear! You've slight experience--_lately_-- Next time you nurse you'll know, my dear! (She'll like that home-thrust _greatly_!)

_Friendly Visitor_. Your nursing, dear, of course, is based Upon my Nursery Manual. The child looks _rayther_ peaky-faced. (Not quite a hardy annual!)

_Fond Mother_. Think so? Look up, and laugh, my sweet, Show NANA she's mistaken-- It quite begins to "feel its feet." (With spite her soul is shaken!)

_Friendly Visitor_. I understand your family Call it "The Changeling." Why so? The family likeness _all_ must see. (It squints with the left eye so!)

_Fond Mother_. Oh! there are always _some_ cross things In _every_ Family Party. _Your_ mother's heart has felt such stings! (She'll think of JOE and HARTY!)

_Friendly Visitor_. Well, well, with my advice, my dear, And lots of Liberal Tonic, Your child we possibly may rear. (That's one for Old Sardonic!)

_Fond Mother_. Oh! really you are quite _too_ kind! Your own "Home-Rule Elixir" Unfailing for your babes you find? (Fancy _that_ dart will fix her!)

_Friendly Visitor_. You see we breed, and nurse, our own; _We_ do not steal or borrow. However, dear, I must be gone. (To call again to-morrow!)

_Fond Mother_. What! must you go? Next, time no doubt. You'll give more Liberal measure. Nurse G. shall see you safely out, (With most particular pleasure!)

_Friendly Visitor_. Don't trouble, dear! The bell I'll pull, And, bid them call my cabby! Good bye! The Babe's be-you-ti-ful! (_A Flabby, Dabby, Babby!!!_)

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ABOUT THE LAST OF IT.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Would you kindly suggest to Mr. CALDERON, in the interest of Historical and religious Art, that he should give us for next year's Academy, as companion-picture to his "_St. Elizabeth," "Cardinal Wolsey, in his old age, left naked to his enemies._"--Yours, _artfully_, A SHAKSPEARIAN READER, BUT NO LATIN SCHOLAR.

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"KNOWLEDGE IS INVALUABLE!"

SCENE--_Royal Commission of the Future. Commissioners present. Last Witness under examination._

_Chairman_. And now, my lad, you have learned everything.

_Witness_ (_modestly_). Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen, up to a certain point.

_Chairman_. Quite so--you have, generally speaking, an education rather better than an average City Clerk?

_Witness_ (_in the same modest tone_). So I am given to understand.

_Chairman_. What is your father?

_Witness_. An artisan. But pardon me, I think I can anticipate and answer the next question. I am entirely unfit to follow my parent's calling--physically and morally. My frame has been weakened by study, and my education prevents--.

_Chairman_ (_interrupting_). Just so. We can hardly expect a lad of fourteen who is good enough to floor the London matriculation taking to bricklaying? (_Murmurs of general assent_.) Well, my boy, have you tried to get a clerkship?

_Witness_. Alas! yes, indeed I have, my Lord and Gentlemen. I have tried everywhere to obtain employment, but without success.

_Chairman_ (_sympathetically_). Dear me! Very sad! But come, my lad, we have given you something more than an ordinary commercial education--you have acquired accomplishments.

_Witness_. Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen; but, believe me, they are valueless. I am an excellent violinist, but there is no room for me at the theatres. It is true I might, by paying my footing, secure a place in a strolling band, consisting of a harp and a cornet, but I have conscientious scruples against earnings gained at the doors of a public-house.

_Chairman_. Certainly. Besides, I fancy you make too light of the difficulties of securing such a position. A Witness, who gave very much the same evidence as yourself, declared it was impossible to gain admission even to a German Band. But you have learned drawing?

_Witness_. Yes; but I find the accomplishment valueless as a bread-winner. I would do pastels on the flag-stones were not the supply of artists in this particular line greatly in excess of the demand. Besides, the police move them on.

_Chairman_. Well, my lad, what can you do for yourself?

_Witness_. Nothing; and consequently, my Lord and Gentlemen, I hope you will do something for me.

_Chairman_ (_after consultation with his colleagues_). As you have been educated up to a point rendering you valueless at fourteen, we shall have much pleasure in recommending that your studies be continued until your education will be equally valueless at nineteen. If this scheme does nothing else, it will keep you employed for the next five years! [_Scene closes in upon the Report._

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_Faraday_ (_returned_). "WELL, MISS SCIENCE, I HEARTILY CONGRATULATE YOU; YOU HAVE MADE MARVELLOUS PROGRESS SINCE MY TIME!"]

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ORATORIO, AS HANDLED AT THE C.P.

The Tenth Triennial Handel Festival. Programme extends over three days, Monday, to-day the 24th, and Friday the 26th. The singers are Madame ALBANI, Miss MARIAN MCKENZIE, Messrs. SANTLEY, EDWARD LLOYD, BARTON MCGUCKIN, BRIDSON, and BRERETON--the last pair seeming to come in like the "two pretty men" of nursery history, 'yclept "ROBIN and RICHARD." The great organ cannot be played without EYRE and bellows. The Conductor to the musical omnibus is AUGUST MANNS, or more appropriately, JUNE MANNS. _Motto_.--"MANNS wants but little here below, but he wants that uncommonly good"--and more than good it is safe to be in the hands of the Conductor whose name is indicative of quantity and quality. _Salvete, Homines!_

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

The Baron is getting along with GEORGE MEREDITH's _One of Our Conquerors_. Within the last three weeks he has already reached p. 94 of Vol. I, and here the weather, having suddenly become tropical, the Baron felt that his mighty brain "whirled, swam to a giddiness, and subsided." He has been stopped occasionally _en route_; he had come into view of "_the diminutive marble cavalier of the infantile cerebellum_." Then he retraced his steps, puzzled a bit, but after a "modest quencher" Swivellerian libation, he hit upon a luminous passage which warned him "_in plain speech_"--and whose is plainer than GEORGE MEREDITH's?--"_that the Bacchus of auspicious birth induces ever to the worship of the loftier Deities._" Excellent i' faith! And then the Baron smole, as one who is interiorly enlightened smileth as he read, "_Forbear to come hauling up examples of malarious men_"--("'malarious men' is good," quoth the Baron)--"_in whom these pourings of the golden rays of life breed fogs; and be moved, since you are scarcely under an obligation to hunt the meaning_"--(here the Baron wondered within himself. Was he under an obligation or not? In _foro conscientiæ_ the case was set down for that immortal date. "_To-morrow_")--"_in tolerance of some dithyrambic inebriety of narration_ (_quiverings of the reverent pen_) _when we find ourselves entering the circle of a most magnetic popularity._" Here the Baron paused. Somehow, in his search after truth, he had fallen down some seventy pages, and was on his back again at p. 33, Vol. I. Refreshment was necessary. Iced. Also a Nicotinian sacrifice, as of primitive days, when heifers, adorned, not altars, but weeds, vegetables, and early produce only. _Smokeamus! Veni, vidi, visky!_ 'Fore GEORGE! Your health and novel!

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

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"AS EASY AS ABC."

_Witness of the Labour Commission_ (_under examination_). Yes, I think that employers should be forced by law to give in to their men.

_Question_. But should this lead to bankruptcy, what then?

_Witness_. Bankruptcy should be legally abolished.

_Question_. Should employers have no money to pay the employed?

_Witness_. That duty should be discharged by the Government.

_Question_. But bow should the loss be supplied--by the imposition of new taxes?

_Witness_. Certainly not. Taxation should be entirely abolished.

_Question_. Then how could your scheme be carried out?

_Witness_ (_courteously_). That is a matter I leave entirely to the discretion of the Government.

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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