Chapter 3

Then uprose the LORD HIGH CHANCELLOR, and with the same stately swinging step, moved towards the doorway, with the Purse-bearer, the Mace-bearer, and Black Rod in his train. It was twenty-five minutes to Six; full five minutes had elapsed since the House of Lords met. Now House of Lords had adjourned, and the throbbing pulses of an Empire on which the sun never sets beat with steadier motion, knowing that all was well. _Business done._--House of Lords adjourned.

_Thursday_.--Rather a painful scene just now between PRINCE ARTHUR and the SQUIRE of MALWOOD. T.W. RUSSELL proposed new Clause on Irish Land Bill, which provided for reïnstatement of evicted tenants; received with general applause, and finally agreed to. In the midst of general congratulations and shaking hands, the SQUIRE lounged in, and with many back-handed slaps at the Government, added his approval to the general chorus. The Ministry were hopelessly bad, but this clause, though proposed by a supporter of theirs, was moderately good.

"Singular thing," said Prince ARTHUR, in meditative tone, as if he were talking to himself, "that the Right Hon. Gentleman can never interfere in debate, however far removed the subject may be from the arena of Party Politics, without forthwith dragging it into the arena."

"That," said BALFOUR, Q.C., who chanced to be on the Front Opposition Bench, "is a striking example of the misapprehension under which acute minds occasionally labour. I have known my Right Hon. friend for many years; we have sat on this Bench together in Opposition, and have worked in the same Ministry, and I confess it is a little shocking to me to hear him accused of tendency to enter upon controversial topics. I am myself a man of peace, and do not readily assume an attitude of reproof; but, as Mr. HENRY ARTHUR WILSON said when he stood over the improvised Baccarat-table with a piece of chalk in his hand, the line must be drawn somewhere, and I am inclined to rule it at the place where my friend HARCOURT is accused of wilfully and designedly disturbing the Parliamentary peace." _Business done_.--Still on the Land Bill.

_Friday Night_.--Still grinding away at the report stage of Land Bill; don't get any forrader; been at it a week, and to-night just as many Amendments on the paper as there were on Monday. All night upon a single new Clause. Everybody wearied to death. Even WINDBAG SEXTON a little moody; not had such a good night as usual; the debate lasting throughout sitting, and, there being only one Motion before the House, SEXTON (with the SPEAKER in the Chair) could speak only once; that he did, at considerable length. But a poor consolation for lost opportunity.

Congratulated the suffering SPEAKER on this accident; pointed out to him things were bad enough; but might be worse.

"I suppose, TOBY," he said, "you never read PRIOR? Haven't looked him up for many years; but, sitting here through this week, there is one couplet--from his _Solomon_, I think--ever running through my mind:--

'ABRA was ready ere I called her name; And, though I call'd another, ABRA came.'

Just like SEXTON."

_Business done_.--One Clause added to Land Bill.

* * * * *

"GREY APES OF AGE."

"Grey hair is fashionable for the youthful," Says a Mode oracle acknowledged truthful. Strange that Society should have a rage For that anomaly--artificial Age! Dust on their heads our pretty women toss, Just to deprive it of its pristine gloss. Make ashen-white your eyebrows, there, and lashes, Precocious hags! The world's but dust and ashes. Wrinkles and crowsfeet next must have their turn (To limn them in let toilette artists learn), Then make each _belle_ bald, scraggy-necked and toothless, Grey hair alone won't make Society youthless. Let _belles_ turn beldams if they find it jolly. But they might be consistent in their folly!

* * * * *

MUSICAL, THEATRICAL, AND JUDICIAL.--The _Daily Telegraph_, quoting from the _Middlesex County Times_, last Saturday, stated that, "_The_ LORD CHANCELLOR had added the name of Mr. W.S. GILBERT, _Poet and Dramatist, to the Commission of the Peace for the County of Middlesex._" So is it said that another "W.S.," one WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE--who, by the way, also had a GILBERT in the family--was, in his latter years, made a J.P." Mr. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE GILBERT--if he will kindly allow us so to style him, as uniting the qualities of poet and dramatist--should receive a special and peculiar title. Let him, then, be henceforth known as "The Poetic Justice of the Piece."

* * * * *

THE "HIRED PRIEST."

[Mr. GLADSTONE says, "If the priest is to live, he must beg, earn, or steal."]

Now, here's a needy Vicar; who will hire him? He can preach, Can confute a boat of infidels and crush them with a text. If a Sunday school is started, he's the very man to teach, If you snub him he may hate it, but he'll never show he's vexed. He can spend his days in visiting the alleys and the slums, And support his own existence, and his family's, on crumbs.

Come, come, Sir, you are generous. What! eighty pounds a year? It's a fortune for a Vicar; I am sure he won't refuse. Why it's sixteen hundred shillings, he will take it, never fear; For though priests are scarcely beggars, yet they can't afford to choose. He hasn't got a single vice; I'll guarantee him sound, And he'll make a crown go farther than an ordinary pound.

And here we have a Bishop; we don't do things by halves; He requires a roomy palace, he is sturdy, stout and tall. You can have him as he stands, Sir, with his gaiters and his calves; Five thousand hires the Bishop, apron, appetite and all. What? You much prefer the Vicar with his collar and his tie? And you'd rather pay him extra? Here's your health. Sir; so would I.

* * * * *

-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.