Chapter 3

P.S.--If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed the postal arrangements.

* * * * *

THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891.

_January to March_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants reading the morning paper.

_April to June_.--Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servants reading the morning paper.

_July to September_.--Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors at play (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_).

_October to December_.--Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servants reading the morning paper.

* * * * *

* * * * *

IN THE LATEST STYLE.

(_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER._)

Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE's own view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguished Arctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast.

"Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true," I asked, "that you stole the umbrellas?"

The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and then regaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point of possessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless in those extremely northern latitudes.

"That is not the question," I persisted. "I am sure you will forgive me, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but what I want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas? Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No."

"I don't see what either you or they have to do with it," replied the Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as a matter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggage of the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with a shower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for what it is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!"

"Exactly," I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However, Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend and colleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termed Iced Greenlander?"

'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it is true or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was in another part of the country, having been sent there to change novels at the local circulating library."

"But would you say it was probable?"

"Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry, gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why," he added, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in coppers on a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found every halfpenny of the money untouched!"

"Then do you not think he pushed the old man into the sausage-machine?"

"If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win a wager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything open to censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutely incredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!"

"So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finished your breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is it true that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifled your niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?"

The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and said something about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated.

"And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for picking pockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club for cheating at cards--"

But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so much abruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partially formulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed that I was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however, my hat was thrown after me.

* * * * *

PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET.

"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"

_Note_.--Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression "Too, too."

* * * * *

POLITICS UP TO DATE.

(_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OF REVOLUTION._)

WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.--We appear this morning awaiting the future with confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may arrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come--

10 A.M.--It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that, after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), we have conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shall support, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, and denounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it would be unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may be overpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come--

11 A.M.--It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but here we are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents. For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may be looming in the distant ages? The hour may come--

12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions, and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come--

1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening hereafter. The hour may come--

2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys! This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo!

[_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.

_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to SHERIDAN.

_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they laugh until the end of the month.

_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe "1801?--the year of my birth!"

_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_ Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the _Times_.

_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like "lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect any one to laugh.

_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" are few and far between, according to WHITAKER.

_July_.--Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce the victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boon it was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this really clever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railway indignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sure to go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and in founding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcement is the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can be tolerated in a mourning coach.

_August_.--On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280 British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be they husbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the Battle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of an infant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception to which the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be appropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy." This will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living in retirement.

_September_.--On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_. A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repay time and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusingly called "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but may possibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initial hospitality at five o'clock tea.

_October_.--FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot _peasants_ instead! This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.

_November_.--Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day on the 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier," "£10,000 a Mayor's Nest-egg," &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--the infliction is too serious for jocularity!

_December_.--Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year.

* * * * *

APPROPRIATE.--Sir,--Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal case than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and which was entitled "_The Mayor, &c. of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justices of Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _Bab Ballad_ in a Pantomime.

_Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.

Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."

* * * * *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.