Chapter 1

PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 100.

January 3, 1891.

JANUARY xxxi Days.

1 Th N. Year's D. 2 F Abydos t. 3 S L. Hunt b. 4 S 2 S. af. Chr. 5 M Sambourne] 6 T Epiphany 7 W Bp. Ely d. 8 Th Cam. L.T.b. 9 F S.r. 8 h. 6 m. 10 S S.s. 4 h. 10 m. 11 S 1.S. af. Epip. 12 M Hil. Sit. b. 13 Tu B. Cannæ 14 W Oxf. L.T. b. 15 Th Orsini plot 16 F B. Corunna 17 S Franklin b. 18 S 2 S. af. Epip. 19 M Watt b. 20 Tu Fabian 21 W Agnes 22 Th Vincent 23 F Pitt d. 1806 24 S Fox b. 1749 25 S Septuag. S. 26 M Brazil disc. 27 Tu J. Gibson d. 28 W Prescott d. 29 Th Capit. Paris 30 F Chas. I. bhd. 31 S B. Jonson b.

FEBRUARY xxviii Days.

1 S Sexages. S. 2 M B. Lincoln 3 Tu Bassevi d. 4 W S.r. 7 h. 36 m. 5 Th Galvani d. 6 F S.s. 4 h. 56 m. 7 S Dickens b. 8 S Quinqu. S. 9 M Darnley m. 10 Tu Q.V. marr. 11 W Ash. Wed. 12 Th Cellini d. 13 F Revol. 1688 14 S Valentine 15 S 1 S. in Lent. 16 M Burke exe. 17 Tu Braham d. 18 W Luther d. 19 Th Copernic. b. 20 F J. Hume d. 21 S Trinidad t. 22 S 2 S. in Lent 23 M S. Brookes d. 24 Tu Matthias 25 W Wren d. 26 Th T. Moore d. 27 F Benevento 28 S J. Tenniel

MARCH xxxi Days.

1 S 3 S. in Lent 2 M Wesley d. 3 Tu B. Merton 4 W Somers b. 5 Th S.r. 6 h. 39 m. 6 F Du Maurier 7 S S.s. 5 h. 48 m. 8 S 4 S. in Lent 9 M Cobbett b. 10 Tu Schiller b. 11 W Inc. T. imp. 12 Th Gregory 13 F Talfourd d. 14 S Byng shot 15 S 5 S. in Lent 16 M Dr. Kent d. 17 Tu St. Patrick 18 W Suez cnl. op. 19 Th Lucknow t. 20 F B. Alexand. 21 S Benedict 22 S Palm S. 23 M Nat. Gal. f. 24 Tu Q. Eliz. d. 25 W Lady Day 26 Th D. Camb. b. 27 F Good Frid. 28 S Cateau 29 S East. Sun. 30 M Bk. Holiday 31 Tu Haydn b.

APRIL xxx Days.

1 W All Fools 2 Th S.r. 5 h. 35 m. 3 F S.s. 6 h. 34 m. 4 S Ambrose bp. 5 S Low Sun. 6 M O. Lady-Day 7 Tu Pr. Leop. b. 8 W B. Savona 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. 10 F Cam. E.T. b. 11 S Canning d. 12 S 2 S. af. Eas. 13 M Handel d. 14 Tu Prs. Beatr. b. 15 W S. Maron. 16 Th Thiers b. 17 F B. Culloden 18 S Graunt d. 19 S 3 S. af. Eas. 20 M Spa. fl. des. 21 Tu Bp. Heber b. 22 W Odessa bom. 23 Th St. George 24 F B. Landrec. 25 S Prs. Alice b. 26 S 4 S. af. Eas. 27 M Gibbon b. 28 Tu B. Tours 29 W S. Cath. S. 30 Th Fitzroy d.

MAY xxxi Days.

1 F May Day 2 S S.r. 4 h. 32 m. 3 S Rogation S. 4 M Sering. tkn. 5 Tu S.s. 7 h. 27 m. 6 W John Evan. 7 Th Holy Thurs. 8 F Le Sage b. 9 S Hf. qr. Day 10 S S. af. Ascen. 11 M Chatham d. 12 Tu Albt. Mem. c. 13 W O. May Day 14 Th Gratton d. 15 F O'Connell d. 16 S B. Albuera 17 S Whit Sun. 18 M Bk. Holiday 19 Tu Dunstan 20 W Columbus d. 21 Th Cawnpore 22 F Dasent b. 23 S M. Lemon d. 24 S Trin. Sun. 25 M Pr. Hel. b. 26 Tu Augustine 27 W Ven. Bede 28 Th Corp. Christ. 29 F Chas. II. res. 30 S Pope d. 31 S 1 Sn. af. Tr.

JUNE xxx Days.

1 M Nicomede 2 Tu Harvey b. 3 W S.r. 3 h. 50 m. 4 Th S.s. 8 h. 7 m. 5 F Weber d. 6 S Calpee tkn. 7 S 2 Sn. af. Tr. 8 M D. Jerrold d. 9 Tu Paxton d. 10 W Heilsberg 11 Th Barnabas 12 F B. Wilton 13 S Hastgs. bhd. 14 S 3 Sn. af. Tr. 15 M Mag. Charta 16 Tu Wat Tyl. sl. 17 W St. Alban 18 Th Waterloo 19 F B. Wavres 20 S Q. Vic. Ac. 21 S 4 Sn. af. Tr. 22 M B. Pered 23 Tu B. Plassy 24 W Midsm. D. 25 Th B. Altivia 26 F Geo. IV. d. 27 S Cairo tkn. 28 S 5 Sn. af. Tr. 29 M St. Peter 30 Tu Roscoe d.

JULY xxxi Days.

1 W B. Boyne 2 Th S.r. 3 h. 50 m. 3 F B. Sadowa 4 S S.s. 8 h. 17 m. 5 S 6 Sn. af. Tr. 6 M Old Mid. D. 7 Tu J. Huss bt. 8 W A. Smith d. 9 Th Fire Ins. ex. 10 F Bp. Fell d. 11 S B. Ouden 12 S 7 Sn. af. Tr. 13 M D. Orleans d. 14 Tu Bastile des. 15 W St. Swithin 16 Th Beranger d. 17 F Punch b. '41 18 S Sherlock d. 19 S 8 Sn. af. Tr. 20 M Margaret 21 Tu R. Burns d. 22 W Salamanca 23 Th Lyonet b. 24 F Gibral. tkn. 25 S St. James 26 S 9 Sn. af. Tr. 27 M Talavera 28 Tu Robesp. exe. 29 W B. Beylau 30 Th W. Penn d. 31 F E. Pease d.

AUGUST xxxi Days.

1 S Lammas 2 S 10 Sn. af. Tr. 3 M Bk. Holiday 4 Tu Oystr. Sea. c. 5 W S.r. 4 h. 31 m. 6 Th Dk. Edn. b. 7 F S.s. 7 h. 37 m. 8 S Otway b. 9 S 11 S. af. Tr. 10 M C. Keene b. 11 Tu Trin. Sit. c. 12 W Grouse s.b. 13 Th O. Lammas 14 F Ld. Clyde d. 15 S W. Scott b. 16 S 12 S. af. Tr. 17 M Ad. Blake d. 18 Tu B. Spurs 19 W Ozontero 20 Th Saragossa 21 F Blck. Ck. s.b. 22 S B. Bosworth 23 S 13 S. af. Tr. 24 M S. Bartholo. 25 Tu J. Watt d. 26 W P. Cons. b. 27 Th Thomson d. 28 F B. Leipsic 29 S Jno. Bp. bh. 30 S 14 S. af. Tr. 31 M Bunyan d.

SEPTEMBER xxx Days.

1 Tu Part. sh. e. 2 W Capit. Sedan 3 Th S.r. 5 h. 17 m. 4 F S.s. 6 h. 39 m. 5 S Comte d. 6 S 15 S. af. Tr. 7 M Eunurchus 8 Tu Nat. B.V.M. 9 W B. Flodden 10 Th B. Quesnoy 11 F S. of Delhi 12 S O.P. Riots 13 S 16 S. af. Tr. 14 M Holy Cross 15 Tu B. Rajghur 16 W Jas. II. d. 17 Th Lambert 18 F Geo. I. land. 19 S B. Poitiers 20 S 17 S. af. Tr. 21 M St. Matth. 22 Tu Virgil d. 23 W Autn. Q. b. 24 Th S. Butler d. 25 F Porson d. 26 S St. Cyprian 27 S 18 S. af. Tr. 28 M Nicopolis 29 Tu Mich. Day 30 W St. Jerome

OCTOBER xxxi Days.

1 Th Cam. M.T. b. 2 F Arago d. 3 S S.r. 6 h. 6 m. 4 S 19 S. af. Tr. 5 M S.s. 5 h. 28 m. 6 Tu Faith 7 W Abp. Laud b. 8 Th B. Actium 9 F St. Denys 10 S Ox. M.T. b. 11 S 20 S. af. Tr. 12 M America d. 13 Tu Edw. Conf. 14 W B. Senlac 15 Th Fire Ins. ex. 16 F Soissons t. 17 S Etheldreda 18 S 21 S. af. Tr. 19 M Kneller d. 20 Tu B. Navarino 21 W Trafalgar 22 Th B. Edge Hill 23 F Irish Reb. 24 S P. Leigh d. 25 S 22 S. af. Tr. 26 M Danton b. 27 Tu Cap. Cook b. 28 W J. Locke d. 29 Th J. Leech d. 30 F Tower brnt. 31 S All Hallows

NOVEMBER xxx Days.

1 S 23 S. af. Tr. 2 M All Souls 3 Tu Fall of Acre 4 W Will. III. b. 5 Th S.r. 7 h. 3 m. 6 F S.s. 4 h. 23 m. 7 S B. Mooltan 8 S 24 S. af. Tr. 9 M P. of Wls. b. 10 Tu M. Luther b. 11 W St. Martin 12 Th Hf. qr. Day 13 F Britius 14 S Leibnitz d. 15 S 25 S. af. Tr. 16 M J. Bright b. 17 Tu Hugh Bp. L. 18 W Wilkie b. 19 Th B. Arcola 20 F Ld. Elgin d. 21 S J. Hogg d. 22 S 26 S. af. Tr. 23 M St. Clemen. 24 Tu J. Knox d. 25 W Chantrey d. 26 Th G. Grisi d. 27 F De. Teck b. 28 S Bunsen d. 29 S 1 S. in Adv. 30 M Burnand b.]

DECEMBER xxxi Days.

1 Tu Prs. Wls. b. 2 W B. Austerl. 3 Th Bradbury b. 4 F Richelieu d. 5 S S.r. 7 h. 51 m. 6 S 2 S. in Adv. 7 M S.s. 3 h. 50 m. 8 Tu Baxter d. 9 W Vandyke d. 10 Th Milton b. 11 F Jno. Gay d. 12 S Cibber d. 13 S 3 S. in Adv. 14 M P. Cons. d. 15 Tu I. Walton d. 16 W V. Weber b. 17 Th Oxf. M.T. e. 18 F D. 7 h. 46 m. 19 S Cam. M.T. e. 20 S 4 S. in Adv. 21 M St. Thomas 22 Tu Win. Q. b. 23 W Jas. II. abd. 24 Th Christ. Eve 25 F Christ. Day 26 S Bk. Holiday 27 S Sun. af. Chr. 28 M Innocents 29 Tu Stafford ex. 30 W Pegu anxd. 31 Th Silvester

* * * * *

TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS.

(_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTER TO-MORROW._)

EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER.--Reserved gallows seats, immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dying struggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession; Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas. (8.30 A.M.)

TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner. Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A few special tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack" luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of the Judge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial play during the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A.M. Ladies advised to be in their places not later than 10.30.)

GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA.--Additional Attractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminals from CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in all Ages, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P.M. and 7 P.M.) Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand Execution Tableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishments inflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c., &c. (3 o'clock and 6.30.) _Auto-da-Fé_ at 2.30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children under eight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) One Guinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies, passed the turnstiles last Wednesday.)

PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'S ROOMS.--Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects under the knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcerting struggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P.M.)

BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL.--Full Spanish Programme this day. Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadors killed last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extra fierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONAL SCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. to £5 5s. Specially Reserved Front Seats for Ladies, £7 7s. (3 P.M., and 8.30.)

IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS.--Phonographic Reproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals. Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially). Reports of Cases tried _in Camerâ_. Private Conversations of parties to _Causes Célèbres_, &c., &c., &c. Highly realistic revelations, and Sensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P.M.)

PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES.--NOW open daily. Admission by private card only. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). Two Guineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures in Special Art Sanctum, £10 10s. (10 till 4 only.)

GHOUL THEATRE.--_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demon of Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and a Special Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!! Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murders and Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter and Tremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7.30. Commence at 8.

Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30! The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5! Carriages at 11.10!

Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still crowded with the _élite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!!

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.

_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en route_.

_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at Dover. Triumphant progress to London.

_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom of the City.

_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and unlimited hospitality.

_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations.

_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of distinguished conduct.

_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures.

_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which now begins to empty.

_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.

_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to the papers, and sensational journalism generally.

_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, strongly recommended row.

_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme) and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

* * * * *

HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.

_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia.

_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican.

_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home.

_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa.

_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt.

_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.

_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends meet.

_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election.

_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule.

_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics.

_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_.

_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.

_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.--To attend to his professional duties, and get through his official work.

_And Mr. P-nch_.--To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half a century.

* * * * *

SUGGESTION FOB MR. W.B. AT THE T.R.O.--Should Mr. WILSON BARRETT contemplate giving another _Matinée_ of that out-of-date play, _The Lady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_? No extra charge for this suggestion.

* * * * *

GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS.--Police Protection to TIM HEALY.

* * * * *

* * * * *

VOCES POPULI.

THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY.

SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in whispers._

_Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_). No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide on something--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be getting impatient! (_To the Ladies_.) Do come and help; it's really no use dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't _anybody_ think of a good Word?

_Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy!

_Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first. Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over _there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your heads together?

_Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words.

_Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again!

[_They resume their conversation._

_Mr. Wh._ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_ give us a Word?

_Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think of something clever!

_Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so little experience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred to me, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meet with approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through his spectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous."

_Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that?

_Mr. Wh._ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_?

_Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant which has only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ are termed--

_Mr. Wh._ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with only one seed-lobe myself--and then the syllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before _midnight_, you know!

_Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as a suggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I was wrong; no doubt.

_Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. How would--er--"_Familiar_" do?

_Mr. Wh._ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footle like this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_.

_Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_!

_Mr. Wh._ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge." How do you see it yourself?

[_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop._

_Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_ "Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_," you know. [_Chorus of applause._

_Mr. Wh._ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS!

_Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that, you know, and you said--!

_Mr. Wh._ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it, so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud._) How are we going to do the first syllable "Fame," eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_.

_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it.

[_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more care for appearances._

AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE.

_The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by faint applause_.

_Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response._) You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others. You let me do everything!

_Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in!

_Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Now then--"ill." I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me one by one, and say you're _ill_--see?

[_Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet._

_Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit with the audience--I'm no use _here_!

_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidential butler, and show the patients in.

[_Mr. W. accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that other people can act as well as he._

AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE.

_Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was no necessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. A Doctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much!

_Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to put some fun in _somewhere_!

_Mr. P._ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. Nobody laughed.

_Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I was describing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientifically correct--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it was unprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful!

_Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there were a dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interview short, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour.

_Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going to ask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself to them. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with you again.

_Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one gets carried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c., &c.--_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_.) Now then--last syllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, and all of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make that screamingly funny!

AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.

_Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all called me a liar before I opened my mouth!

_The Rest_.--But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ to bring the Word in somehow.

_Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. There was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again (_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don't understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves!

AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE.

_General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, or Magician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give it up? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't, they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_ drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed, we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_ well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after it all. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear Miss ROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you a bit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take?

_Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn't wanted, you know.

_Miss Rose_. Not to _act_,--so we stayed outside and--and--arranged things.

_An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of the pleasure, my dear, I'm afraid.

_Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ it much.

_The O.L._ And which of you settled what the Word was to be?

_Mr. N._ Well, I believe we settled that together.

[_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the other men, and puts it down to jealousy._

* * * * *

ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET.

We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principel Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I next perposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ort for to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good deal of atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn't quite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembred all about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intresting to my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinners of 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally cause a most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisit a natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed.