Chapter 5

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

What is this the Baron reads in the _D.T._ of Feb. 9, and in the _Daily Graphic_ of the same date? Here is a portion of the extract from the _D.T._:--"The Monthly Meeting of that quaint Literary Society, 'Ye Odd Volumes,' at Limmer's Hotel, brought together not merely a goodly show of the Volumes themselves, but an unusually large array of visitors," and then follows the distinguished list, the crowning point being reached when we come to the name of "The Baron de BOOK-WORMS of _Punch_," and in the _Daily Graphic_ the daring reporter goes a step farther, as, after giving the name of a certain honoured guest, he parenthetically explains that this academical _convive_ is _the_ "Baron de B.-W.!" _Erreur_! I, the Baron de B.-W., being of sound mind and body, hereby declare that _the Baron himself was not present_. And why? Well, do my readers remember the honest milk-maid's retort to the coxcomb who said he wouldn't marry her? Good. Then, substituting "me" for "you," and "he" for "she," the Baron can adopt the maiden's reply. After this, other reasons would be superfluous.

How came the reporter to fall into so great an error? Who misinformed him? A worthy henchman, as indignant as was _Sam Weller_ when he found his beloved master's name trifled with, writes to ask me, "Ain't nobody to be whopped for takin' this here liberty, Sir?" With the immortal _Mr. Pickwick_, the Baron replies, "Certainly not. Not on any account." And, whatever that sturdy henchman may murmur to himself, he at once obeys. "Bring me my books!" cries the Baron, "I am off to the review."

The Baron's Deputy writes, that he has again been steeping himself in poetry, and reports as follows:--_Ionica_ (GEORGE ALLEN) is a little volume, which no admirer of true poetry should fail to possess. The author now calls himself W. CORY, but he was known by a different name to many generations of Etonians. His Muse generally wears a classical robe, but her speech is always delightfully musical. She has beautiful cadences, that haunt the memory like some old _Volkslied_. In spite of a careless confusion between "thou" and "you," I defy anybody to read "_Heraclitus_," to take only one instance, without a sense of pleasure which will compel him to learn the two verses by heart. But the Muse is pathetic, playful, and patriotic, too, when the occasion fits, and, whatever she sings, she sings with genuine taste and feeling. Would that we might hope for more of her pure music. So far the Deputy.

Was that excentric character in _David Copperfield_ nameless, who was represented as sitting in some sort of slop-shop, wheezing out fiercely, "O my lights and liver! O goroo, goroo!" I think DICKENS didn't give him a name, good or bad; but his constant repetition of the above outlandish exclamations has impressed upon him an awful and terrific personality, which places him among the more popular creations of Dickensian genius. Of what is this _à propos_? you will ask the Baron. "Well," he will make reply, "it is _à propos_ of cookery books, and bookery cooks; the latter being those who are not above teaching themselves from the sacred books of Cookery, and who can put in practice the lessons they learn therein. Now," quoth the Baron, "let me recommend you to ask at CHAPMAN AND HALL's for _Hilda's 'Where Is It' of Recipes_, a work got up as simply and substantially as a good dinner should be, with 'pages in waiting,' quite blank, all ready for your notes,--the book, like a dining-table, being appropriately interleaved; and there is, happy thought, a pencil in the cover-side most handy for the intending Lucullus." The season of Lent is an excellent one for cookery-books, because you can be studying for the dinner-giving season, and then--do not forget the generally excellent advice of your friend,

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

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THE RIVAL "JARVIES;"

OR, THE IRISH JAUNTING CAR.

AIR:--"_THE LOW-BACKED CAR_."

"_Honest John" sings_:--

When first I knew CH-RL-S ST-RT, 'Twas in a happier day, The Jaunting Car he drove in Went gaily all the way. But now the Car seems all askew, Lop-wheel'd, and slack of spring; Myself and WILL, in fear of a spill, Feel little disposed to sing, As we sit on the Jaunting Car, The drivers at open war, Seem little to care For a Grand Old Fare, As they fight for the Jaunting Car.

CH-RL-S ST-RT at one rein, Sir, And J-ST-N at the other. Give prospect small of progress In pummelling one another. As Honest JOHN my chance is gone Of helping ill-used PAT, If the Union of Hearts in Shindy starts, And the Message of Peace falls flat. WILL and I on the Jaunting Car, With the couple of Jarvies at war, Are sad to our souls, Wherefore win at the polls If we lose on the Jaunting Car?

In battle's wild commotion, With proud and hostile SM-TH, O'er Land or Tithe, our hearts were blithe, Till P-RN-LL sapped our pith. But "Mr. Fox's" lethal darts Make "Union" all my eye; Our ranks they thin (whilst our enemies grin), As right and left they fly. Though we cling to the Jaunting Car, We were better out of it, by far; Not the G.O.M.'s art Can those Jarvies part Who fight for the Jaunting Car.

I rather like this Car, Sir, With GL-DST-NE by my side; But row galore is an awful bore. When two would-be whips collide. With J-ST-N seated forninst us, To victory we _might_ haste, But with squabbling bhoys, and a deuce of a noise, _Our_ efforts are cut to waste. Though we're perched on the Jaunting Car, Our purpose these madmen mar, Whilst W-LL-M and I, With a tear and a sigh, Hold on to the Jaunting Car.

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PAR ABOUT PICTURES.--Messrs. J. and W. VOKINS, Great Portland Street, have an interesting loan collection of some of the Old Giants of the English Water-colour School on view. There may be found TURNER, DE WINT, WILLIAM HUNT, HOLLAND, COPLEY FIELDING, STANFIELD, MULREADY, J.D. HARDING, besides many others. How good are the Old Giants, and their works are as bright and fresh as the day they were painted. Their reputations have not faded, neither have their pictures, and moreover, they are not likely to. And so say all of us! And so says, Yours paragonically, OLD PAR.

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THE HUNDRED-AND-TEN-TONNER!

What is it, that, with labour skilled, Though taking full three years to build, The place of better weapons filled? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

What was it, though, that had to stoop, When fired, to putting on a hoop, Spite this, yet found its muzzle "droop"? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

And what, that matters made more hot, Such curious ammunition got, It cost £400 a shot? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

Yet, much to the tax-payer's bliss, What, firing such a sum as this. At eighteen hundred yards would miss? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

What is it, spite the First Lord's grace, That guns of better make and case At half the cost could well replace? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

So, what no more upon the deep Should JOHN BULL floating useless keep, But quickly from his Navy sweep? The Hundred-and-Ten-Tonner!

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PROPOSED TUNNEL BETWEEN ENGLAND AND IRELAND.--An Irishman observed this would bridge over a lot of difficulties; he begged pardon, he meant it would Leth-bridge them over.

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CANDOUR IN COURT.

[In _Savell v. the Duke of Westminster_, Lord ESHER, Master of the Bolls, said:--"It was the demands for interrogatories and discovery of documents and commissions in cases of this simple nature which had made the practice of the Common Law so expensive, and caused the public to fly from Courts of Law as from a pestilence. This oppression must be put down."]

"How does it hap," quoth ESHER, M.R., "That Solicitors languish for lack of bread? That want of cases, as felt by the Bar, To cases of want has recently led? Oh, how does it come, and why, and whence, That men shun the Law as a pestilence?

"It can't be denied that the public tries To avoid an action by every means; To a Court it with much reluctance hies, And to arbitration madly leans. In fact--I say it without offence-- It shuns the Law as a pestilence.

"'Tis all the fault," said this great Law Lord, "Of demands for inspection, and similar pleas; Of expenses that neither side can afford, Commissions and interrogator-ees; Till Pelion's piled on Ossa--and hence Men shun the Law as a pestilence.

"_I_ call it oppression, and I'm a Judge! We must put it down, for the wrong's acute; And then the public no fees will grudge, But will rush to get suited with a suit; For Law, the perfection of common sense, Should never be shunned as a pestilence!"

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KING JOHN AT OXFORD.

The Oxford University Dramatic Society have acted another Shakspearian play with conspicuous success. To say that the O.U.D.S. have acted a play of SHAKSPEARE is to say nothing, seeing that they are compelled, under fear of the most dreadful punishments known to the University Calendar, to confine their histrionic efforts to the drama as SHAKSPEARE wrote it, with an occasional excursion into the dramatic verse of BROWNING. A great many, however, of the most influential members of the Hebdomadal Council are said to view any such departure from SHAKSPEARE with alarm, as calculated to impair the discipline and sap the morality of the tender nurselings confided to their charge, and it is doubtful if the experiment will be repeated. Long live the legitimate drama, say I, and so say all of us. But, after all, it may be questioned whether those who can listen unharmed to the broad, and, if I may say so, "illegitimate" humour of _Faulconbridge_ in _King John_ would take much damage from SHERIDAN, or LYTTON, or TOM TAYLOR, or even--though I make this particular suggestion with bated breath--from the performance of such burlesques as the A.D.C. at Cambridge from time to time offers to its patrons.

All this is, however, by the way. We must take the O.U.D.S. as we find it, and I must confess I found it in a very strong and flourishing condition during the performance of _King John_. The audience is not an easy one to act to. Not that it errs on the side of over-criticism. Rather it is too painfully friendly and familiar with the actors. Here is a stray example culled from the Stalls:--

_Enter_ King PHILIP, _the_ DAUPHIN, _and attendant Knights._

_Undergraduate in the Stalls_ (_to his Neighbour_). Halloa! There's old Johnnie in chain armour and a helmet. Did you ever see such a rum 'un? Let's make him laugh.

[_They do, and the unfortunate Knight infects his fellow Knights at a moment when a specially stern demeanour is required._

Or again, as here:--

_The_ DAUPHIN _places his arm round the waist of the_ Lady BLANCH, _and conducts her to the back of the stage._

_Voice in the Dress Circle_. Look out for the Proctor!

[_General laughter._

But in spite of these and similar exuberances, the play went well from first to last, and the enthusiasm of the audience was unbounded. It was stated on the programme that Mr. HENRY IRVING had lent the chain-mail and the tapestries. I have come to the conclusion that he lent himself as well, and then went and pretended he was his own son. At any rate, while Mr. HENRY IRVING (stated to be of New College) was declaiming as _King John_, I could have sworn that the impersonator of _Shylock_ and _Macbeth_ was walking the stage. Voice, gesture, and even mannerisms were there, toned down, of course, to suit the academic atmosphere, but manifest to all who know and love the great original. My hearty congratulations to the actor, whoever he was, on a most carefully studied and dignified rendering of his difficult part. Mr. ALAN MACKINNON, who grouped and arranged the whole of the play, was vigorous and spirited as _Faulconbridge_. He delivered his insults with immense force and go. The letter "_r_" is not an easy one for him to pronounce, but he struggled manfully with this obstacle, and after a time I got perfectly accustomed to the bold tones in which he ordered _Austria_ to "hang a calf-skin chround those chrechreant limbs." _King Philip's_ legs were, perhaps, too much inclined to independence, and never quite seemed to have made up their minds where they would settle down, but when once they were fixed the King was every inch a King. Little Miss MABEL HOARE made us all weep copiously as _Arthur_. I have kept _Hubert_ to the last, in order to emphasise my opinion that Mr. CLARK, of New College, who acted this tender-hearted Chamberlain, carried off the chief honours of the performance. For consistent and restrained force, it would not have been easy to match Mr. CLARK's impersonation. Lady RADNOR's band was delightful, in light-blue and pink bows.

The fight in the Second Act was tremendous. Never have I seen such dreadful blows delivered with such immense vigour on any other stage. A very polite French Knight who had taken part in the combat accorded me the honour of an interview afterwards. I congratulated him, and suggested that so realistic a battle must have been long and carefully rehearsed. "Rehearsals!" he laughed; "not a bit of it. We just lace into one another's heads as hard as we can lick." For the benefit of Mr. D'OYLY CARTE and other fighting managers I have given these admirable words as they were spoken.

I had almost forgotten the ladies. There were three, Miss FFYTCHE, Mrs. CHARLES SIM, and Miss DOWSON, and they were all good--especially Mrs. SIM as _Constance_.

And so farewell, for the present, to the O.U.D.S. and to Oxford. I may mention, by the way, that hospitality is as extensive and port wine as abundant as ever in the neighbourhood of the High. _Experto crede._ Yours to a turn, A VAGRANT.

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A SOUTH-AFRICAN SENTIMENT.

(_SEE PAPERS PASSIM._)

The Colossus of Rhodes as a marvel they toss us; To which we retort, _our_ RHODES _is_ a Colossus!

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A READY-MADE MILITARY CHAPLAIN.--"The Rev. the Dean of Battle." Evidently of the Church militant.

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THE PINK OF COURTESY, AND A TRUE BLUE.

Last week a Cambridge Graduate, a Layman, not a Reverend Don, kindly coached the Oxford Eight. The great Duke of WELLINGTON, courteously instructing the French Army how to defeat the English, would be an historical parallel. It is to be hoped that this sublime example of unselfish devotion to aquatic sport will be followed in other walks of life. We may expect to learn from the daily papers how,--

On Monday a Cabinet Council was held at Downing Street. Lord SALISBURY presided, and Mr. W.H. SMITH being indisposed, Mr. W.E. GLADSTONE (at a moment's notice) kindly consented to take his place.

On Tuesday General CAPRIVI went on leave, his place as confidential adviser to the Emperor of GERMANY being supplied during his absence by Prince Von BISMARCK.

The Czar of RUSSIA, wishing to take a short holiday in Denmark, has arranged that his place shall be supplied by Prince ALEXANDER, once of Battenberg, and late of Bulgaria. Before his return to St. Petersburg His Majesty is likely to spend some time as the guest of several leading Nihilists.

On Wednesday President CARNOT paid a long visit to General BOULANGER, with a view to submitting to that eminent statesman a scheme for the reorganisation of the French Army.

On Thursday the King of ITALY, having arranged to accompany Signor CRISPI in a yachting cruise to South America, the POPE took up his residence at the Quirinal, and presided at a National Council. Later in the day his Holiness reviewed the Roman garrison.

On Friday Mr. O'BRIEN gave a numerously attended "at home" in his new prison. Amongst those present were Mr. GLADSTONE, Lord SALISBURY, Mr. PARNELL, Mr. MCCARTHY, and Mr. TIM HEALY. It is understood that the result of this amicable meeting will be found in a spirit of reciprocity exhibited in the anti-Parnellites writing Mr. PARNELL's manifestoes for the Parnellites, and _vice versâ_.

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QUERY BY IGNORAMUS.--From the _Times_' "Court Circular," Feb. 11:--"The following Ladies and Gentlemen had the honour of receiving invitations, and being received by HER MAJESTY afterwards in the Drawing Room." Well, Sir (writes our Correspondent) and where are they usually received? In the kitchen? The report doesn't mention whether it was the front or back Drawing Room.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, February 9_.--The ATTORNEY-GENERAL, with copy of Orders in his hand, casts reproachful, almost angry, glance on the harmless HOWORTH; that great diplomatist just dropped in from Arlington Street; been to see the MARKISS, and give him latest instructions as to conduct of public affairs, more especially with respect to Behring Sea, the Northampton Election, the Newfoundland Fisheries difficulty, and Assisted Education. A little fatigued with his exertions; doesn't observe WEBSTER's woful regard.

"If it hadn't been for him," ATTORNEY-GENERAL mutters, still glaring on elect of Salford, "shouldn't have to be down here now, answering these sort of questions."

No doubt HOWORTH was, though undesignedly, originator of the business. Saw in incident of Hartlepool election an opening for minimising effect. Wrapped purpose up in form of question addressed to ATTORNEY-GENERAL. Question in subtly diplomatic form insinuated against FURNESS charge of breach of Corrupt Practice Act. ATTORNEY-GENERAL, knowing that HOWORTH is the man who pulls the strings of statecraft, not only in Salford and London, but in Berlin and St. Petersburg, did not venture to decline to answer; gravely played up to his lead. Opposition laughed and cheered; saw their opening, and have since diligently filled it. Scarcely day passed since that questions on hypothetical cases, addressed to ATTORNEY-GENERAL, have not appeared on Orders. As they are moulded on HOWORTH's, which he answered fully, even genially, difficult to refuse reply. But there must be a limit to this kind of thing; reached to-day when caustic CAUSTON comes forward with request for gratuitous opinion on case submitted, involving difficult question of eligibility of Catholics for seat on Woolsack. SUMMERS, who, depressed by Irish domestic difficulty, hasn't put a question for three weeks, goaded into activity; puts down another on same subject. Mr. ATTORNEY respectfully declines to answer either. Opposition yell with derisive cheers.

Mr. ATTORNEY a man of equable temper, but this too much for him. Must find object of attack somewhere. Waited till HOWORTH had said adieu to five ladies whom he had been showing round the House. "Look here, HOWORTH," said Mr. ATTORNEY, his amiable visage clouded with unwonted wrath, "you content yourself with looking after the MARKISS, and keeping him straight, but don't you come round me any more with your confoundedly clever questions."

_Business done_.--Tithe Bill still on Report stage.

_Tuesday_.--Met JOHN MORLEY in corridor just now walking along with long stride and troubled countenance. "What's the matter?" I asked. "Is the French Revolution still troubling you, or are you in fresh difficulties On Compromise?"

"No, dear TOBY," he said; "like MARTHA, I am troubled with none of these things. The fact is, I am pining for opportunity to give battle to BALFOUR in the matter of his Government of Ireland. You remember I tabled notice of a Motion on the matter as soon as the House met in November. Then I was so anxious, so absorbed in the subject, that I forgot all about it till Brer FOX and Brer RABBIT appeared on the scene, and bid against each other for precedence. Thereupon I pulled my Resolution out of pigeon-hole; reminded OLD MORALITY of my prior claim; had it admitted, and day fixed. Should have come on last Monday, you know. Tithes Bill in hand all last week; everybody tired of it; agree there's really nothing in it; Opposition smouldering out; then suddenly, my Motion having been put down for Monday, interest in Tithes Bill swells; becomes absorbing. Couldn't possibly finish last Thursday; everyone so urgent to continue debate that House was Counted Out on Friday; yesterday was appropriated for further debate on Report stage; Thursday next is taken for Third Reading, and I'm put off till Monday."

"And who arranged all this?" I asked, with unfeigned sympathy.

"Well, it was our fellows, you know, with assistance of Irish Members. We are all so anxious to have it out with Prince ARTHUR that we made it impossible for debate on his iniquities to come on this week. TIM HEALY suddenly developed personal interest in Tithes Bill. Put down several new Clauses. So succeeded in perhaps indefinitely deferring debate on my Resolution. You know little, TOBY, of the thirst for battle. It's more exhausting than the conflict itself. You'll excuse me, I'll take another turn; to walk off the restless excitement is the only hope left for me."

And crossing his hands behind him, honest JOHN was off again, down the corridor, his red necktie gleaming in the further recesses like the lurid light of battle.

_Business done_.--Tithes Bill through Report stage.

_Wednesday_.--Marriage with Deceased Wife's Sister Bill on again. A hardy annual, carefully cultured in Commons, and regularly nipped in Lords. The speeches to-day naturally did not present any features riotously novel. HALL of Oxford (not the University, but the Brewery) seconded Motion for rejection of Bill. A beautiful speech, I thought, full of touching sentiments, delivered with much unction. His plea for the sanctity of sisterhood brought tears into eyes unused to excessive moisture. Didn't seem to have much to do with the Bill, but very touching.

"Like evening bells," I said to the Member for Sark.

"More like a barrel-organ," he responded, gruffly. "HALL has the oratorical manner of a street-preacher, and the emptiness of a tankard that a thirsty porter has held to his lips for sixty seconds. Like a skilfully-drawn glass of his own four-half, he's mostly froth; only, after all, there's something under the froth in the glass of 'HALL's Hextra,' and there's nothing beneath the sound of HALL's ambitious common-places."

SARK often says nasty things; seems in particularly disagreeable mood to-day. Even fell foul of the inoffensive Member for Crewe. WALTER MCLAREN, whilst declaring himself strongly in favour of Bill, wanted to throw it out because it didn't provide opportunity for women to marry their deceased husband's brother.

"McLAREN," snarled SARK, "is one of those typical Radicals who have no toleration. He's the sort of man who would bite off his nose to spite his face. Quiet, gentle, almost feminine, in his manner, he would think nothing of boiling you and me in molten lead if we didn't cross our t's exactly at the height he is accustomed to do, or dotted our i's at an angle which did not conform with his views. Scratch a Radical, TOBY my boy, and you'll find the Tyrant."

I'll take care to do no such thing.

_Business done_.--Deceased Wife's Sister Bill read Second Time by 202 Votes against 155.

_Thursday_.--After long period of anxiety, House to-night reassured. GEDGE, who hasn't been seen since he disappeared after obstructing passage through Committee of Tithes Bill, turned up again. Curiously regarded by House; looked for signs of privation, but no falling off visible, whether in physical contour or volume of voice. Tithes Bill during his absence has gone through Committee and Report stage. Now awaiting Third Reading. GEDGE proposed to continue his speech interrupted by stroke of Midnight, when House in Committee. Fixed himself obligingly behind GOSCHEN and HICKS-BEACH, so that they should miss nothing of his counsel, and started off. Instantly arose stormy cries for Division. GEDGE, wherever he has been, seems to have been well-fed, and kept generally in good fettle. Cheerfully accepted challenge to vocal contest. Every time he commenced sentence the boisterous chorus, "'vide! 'vide! 'vide!" rang though House. Opposition, who didn't want Bill, started it; Ministerialists, anxious to see Bill pass, took it up; a roaring, excited crowd; amid them GEDGE, grey-faced, imperturbable, with mouth wide open, shouting in the ear of the pleased CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER. _Business done_.--Tithes Bill read Third Time by 250 Votes against 161.

_Friday_.--The United Services come nobly to the front to-day, all about Nelson's Pillar in Sackville Street, Dublin. However it may be at Westminster, Irish Members can't abear obstruction at home; brought in Bill to remove Monument lower down street; long debate; towards close Admiral FIELD suddenly hove in sight; bore down on enemy.

"As humble naval officer," he roared, as through a speaking-trumpet, "I protest against addressing our immortal naval hero in the words of the Poet, saying unto him, 'Friend, go down lower.'"

General FRASER, V.C., sitting next to Admiral on Front Bench below the Gangway; bosom swelled with generous emulation; Navy attacked; duty of Army to come to its assistance. General doesn't often speak; appearances as public orator chiefly confined to responding to patriotic toast at dinners. This led him a little astray. Drawing himself up to full height, setting hands on hips, he began, in deep bass voice, "In rising to respond to this toast--" Then, remembering where he was, he executed strategic retreat, and addressed himself to SPEAKER.

Spectacle of the two veterans defending memory of NELSON deeply touched House. Nevertheless, Bill carried. _Business done_.--Counted Out at Half-past Seven.

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IN MONTAGU WILLIAMS' _Later Leaves_ there is a small error, but of importance to the historian of the English Stage, which can be corrected in the next edition:--Mr. KEELEY never played _Bob Mettles_, and there is no such character in TOM TAYLOR's _Our Clerks. Bob Nettles_ is one of the principal characters in _To Parents and Guardians_, and it was played by Mrs. KEELEY, her husband playing _Waddilove_. Middle-aged play-goers will remember both pieces; and in the latter, no one will forget ALFRED WIGAN as the French Tutor.

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CIVIL SERVICE NOTE.--The Directors of the Covent Garden Opera Company present their compliments to the C.S. Examiners, and trust that they will reconsider their determination to exclude the Italian language from their list of subjects. The Directors will be happy to give every facility to students during the forthcoming Opera season. Box Office now open. Reduction on taking a quantity.

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.