Chapter 3

DRURIOLANUS AND DANCING.--The Fancy Dress Ball--not a "Ball Marsky"--at Covent Garden, last Tuesday week, was a great success, on which DRURIOLANUS FORTUNATUS is hereby congratulated. There is to be a similar festivity, to celebrate _Mi-Carême_. Quite appropriate this date, when the season is half Lent, and the costumes almost all borrowed.

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TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING.

["Every minute of my time during 1891 is already mortgaged. In 1892 you may count upon me."--_Mr. KIPLING to Magazine Editor, who wished to secure him as a Contributor_.]

Oh, happy man! for whom this world of ours Is but a ceaseless round of milk and honey, Who use your wondrous word-compelling powers For us in telling tales (and making money),

How you must laugh to rake the dollars in, The publishers--how badly you must bleed them; Your tales _are_ good, but yet, ere you begin On more, just think of us who've got to read them.

It frightens us to hear your Ninety-One Is mortgaged--for the prospect's _not_ inviting, To think of all that may and will be done, If, through the present year you ne'er cease writing!

With bated breath we ask, and humble mien-- We realise how far we come behind you-- That you will leave _one_ remnant Magazine In which we may be sure we shall not find you.

Then will your RUDYARD name with joy be hailed, And yours will be a never-fading glory, If, when you're asked to write a _Light that Failed_, You merely tell us, "That's another story."

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AN UPPER NOTE.

Sir,--I mustn't interfere with the diary of TOBY, M.P. But, as he is not reported as being in the Upper House on this particular occasion, I cannot help drawing general attention to the dispatch of business among the Lords on Thursday last. I quote from the Parliamentary Report in the _Daily Telegraph_, which informed us that

"The LORD CHANCELLOR took his seat on the Woolsack at a quarter-past four o'clock."

Then in came "A New Spiritual Peer." Awful! It sounds like an apparition in a blood-curdling ghost-story. Where was LIKA JOKO with his pencil? Well, "the new Spiritual Peer took his oath and his seat"--why wasn't he called upon for his toast and sentiment?--and then--what happened? Did their Lordships stay to have a friendly chat with the new-comer? No, not a bit of it; for the report says,

"Their Lordships rose at twenty-five minutes to five o'clock."

So that, in effect, as soon as the new boy came in, and seated himself, all the old boys went out. There's manners for you! And this in the Upper House, too!! Yours truly, THE MARQUIZ.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday Night, Feb. 2_.--"I do not," said OLD MORALITY, a cloud of disappointment settling on his massive brow, "know any case where, comparatively late in life, after a blameless career, depravity has so suddenly broken out in a man as it has with SYDNEY GEDGE. It is true, that upon occasion GEDGE has not given entire satisfaction to our friends opposite. They hold the opinion that his incursions in debate have been inopportune, and, in short, unnecessary; but that is their affair. We have had no ground for complaint. GEDGE has always voted straight, has appropriately filled up a dull half-hour when we had to keep a Debate going, and at all times he has invested our side of the House with a certain _je ne sais quoi_ of dignity, combined with profound wisdom. And now to go and break out in this unexpected manner! It is incomprehensible,--would be, if I had not seen him with my own organs of vision, incredible. We must make GEDGE a Peer, or a County Court Judge."

OLD MORALITY's discomposure not unwarranted. GEDGE certainly made our flesh creep to-night. Of all things in the world, it came about on the Tithes Bill. In Committee all night; Sir JOHN SWINBURNE spoken several times; HARCOURT, leading Opposition, made several efforts to inspire proceedings with a little life, but not to be done. Bill rapidly slipping through; Amendments to Clauses all disposed of; a few new ones on paper. Of course not slightest chance of being added to Bill. One by one moved; Minister objected; Clause negatived; and there an end of it. Twelve o'clock close at hand; on stroke of Midnight, Debate must be adjourned; still plenty of time to get the Bill through Committee. Everything out of the way except new Clause in name of SYDNEY GEDGE. But GEDGE loyal Ministerialist; not likely _he_ would interfere with arrangements, and endanger progress of Bill. HICKS-BEACH, in charge of measure, kept his eye on the clock; three minutes to Twelve; running it pretty close, but just time to get Bill through. GEDGE on his feet; quite unnecessary; needn't stand up to say he would not move his Clause; if he had simply lifted his hat when Chairman called his name it would be understood that he had sacrificed his Clause. Dangerous this, dallying on stroke of Midnight.

To his horror, HICKS-BEACH heard GEDGE beginning to describe purport of his new Clause. Was going to move it then? Yes. After moment's horrified pause, Ministerialists broke into angry cries of, "Divide!" Opposition convulsed with laughter; HICKS-BEACH pale and stern, and stony silent; SYDNEY GEDGE flushed, conversational, dogged. Even if Tithes Bill were lost he would explain the bearing of his new Clause. Scene increasing in hilarity; lasted three minutes: then Midnight sounded, and SYDNEY sat down, surprised to find he had talked out the Tithes Bill.

"You might have knocked me down with a feather," said ALBERT ROLLIT, who, before opening his lips, had observed the precaution of propping himself up against the wall. "GEDGE, of all men, to spoil the Ministerial plan, and imperil their arrangements for the week! It's all COURTNEY's fault. Since GEDGE tasted COURTNEY's blood, on the night he interrupted his speech by chatting in the Chair with HERBERT GARDNER, GEDGE has never been the same man. There's no knowing to what lengths he may not go."

_Business done_.--SYDNEY GEDGE broken out again worse than ever.

_Tuesday_.--MARJORIBANKS rather depressed as he rose to move his Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission on New Magazine Rifle. Had hoped to appear under very different circumstances. Meant quite to put in the shade LYON PLAYFAIR's historic lecture on Margarine, when he had the tables covered with pots of that substance, with penny loaves and small knives for Members to sample withal. For weeks MARJORIBANKS been preparing for occasion. Had possessed himself of quite an armoury of rifles: intended to bring them into the House and illustrate his lecture with practical experiments. The climax was to be the shooting-off scene. BOBBY SPENCER and ANSTRUTHER on in this. BOBBY standing at the Bar with an apple held on palm of extended right hand; MARJORIBANKS, using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear the apple off, leaving BOBBY's hair unsinged, and not a wrinkle added to his collar. ANSTRUTHER was next to stand in the same place, braving the fire of the Magazine Rifle. But he didn't have an apple, as it was arranged that the new arm should jam.

"Suppose it doesn't?" ANSTRUTHER inquired, when MARJORIBANKS first unfolded his scheme.

"Oh, that'll be all right," said MARJORIBANKS, cheerily.

Long practice on the Terrace made the arrangements perfect, when they were suddenly upset by interference from unexpected quarter. The SPEAKER, wondering what all this rifle-popping was, came to hear of the project; at once said it wouldn't do; no arms of any kind admitted in House of Commons, except the sword worn by SERGEANT-AT-ARMS, and once a year the lethal weapons carried by the Naval or Military gentlemen who move and second Address. BOBBY SPENCER rather glad, I fancy; ANSTRUTHER not inconsolable. But MARJORIBANKS distinctly depressed.

"Not often I occupy time of House," he said. "We Whips make Houses, and you empty them. DUFF--and he's not a Whip now--made all the running with his orations on the herring brand. Thought I would make a hit this time."

"I was a little afraid of it too," said ANSTRUTHER.

"Oh, you were all right," said MARJORIBANKS; "the New Magazine Rifle will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out with an oily rag, and I was going to take precious good care to forget the rag. You've no public spirit, ANSTRUTHER, since you left us to help WOLMER to whip up Dissentients."

No appeal from SPEAKER's ruling. MARJORIBANKS had to make the best of botched business. Brought to the table a spring snap-extractor, a bolt-head screw, and some other odds and ends; poor substitute for what he had intended. Still made out admirable case, Government mustering majority of only 34 against Motion.

Just before Midnight, Tithes Bill reached; GEDGE's Amendment still blocked the way; Chairman called aloud, "Mr. GEDGE!" no answer; place empty. Whilst Members whispering inquiry, Bill passed through Committee, and Ministers triumphed. That's all very well, but where's GEDGE? CORB, who is developing quite unsuspected gifts in the Amateur-detective line, intends to take this matter up when he has settled the affair of the Coroner at the BEDFORD inquest.

_Business done_.--Tithe Bill through Committee. Mysterious disappearance of SYDNEY GEDGE.

_Thursday Night_.--GRAHDOLPH back again, bringing his sheaves--I mean his beard--with him. Hardly knew him at first. No such beard been seen in House since MACFARLANE left us. Not quite the same colour; but GRANDOLPH could give a handful to MACFARLANE, and win.

"Yes," he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent a result achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a thing, I like to do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on a windy day; tendency to get between your knees, or wrap itself round your neck. But we're growing used to each other, and shall get on nicely by-and-by."

More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now GEDGE's place is empty. _Business done_.--Report Stage of Tithes Bill.

_Friday_.--Conversation as to course of public business. OLD MORALITY regrets Tithes Bill not through Reporting stage yet. Down on the paper for to-night, but didn't think there would be much chance of reaching it. So put it down for Monday. If not got through then, must be taken on Thursday, and JOHN MORLEY's Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along indefinitely. Much regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.; but no one had yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid matter in a glass receptacle not exceeding the capacity of one pint.

Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off _agenda_ for to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at quarter-past Seven, CONYBEARE rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Out.

"Why, bless me!" cried OLD MORALITY, aghast at the news, "here's a sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it for the Tithes Bill." _Business done_.--Motion to abolish Livery Franchise negatived by 148 votes against 120.

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ST. VALENTINE'S EVE.

SCENE--_The outside of a small fancy-stationer's in a back-street. The windows are plastered with highly-coloured caricatures, designed to convey the anonymous amenities prescribed by poetic tradition at this Season of the Year. A small crowd is inspecting these works of Art and Literature with hearty approval._

_First Artisan_. See this 'ere, BILL? (_He spells out with a slow relish._)

"With yer crawlin,' lick-spittle carneyin' ways, Yo think very likely bein' a nippercrit'll pay! Still some day it's certain you'll be found out at lorst As a cringin', sloimy, snoike in the grorss!"

Why, it might ha' been wrote a-purpose for that there little cantin' beggar up at our shop--blowed if it mightn't!

_Second Artisan_. Young MEALY, yer mean? But that's cawmplimentry--for _him_--that is!

_First A._ But yer see the ideer of it. They've drawed im a snoike, all 'cept 'is 'ed, d'ye see? That's why they've wrote "Snoike in the Grorss," underneath. Hor-hor! they must be smart chaps to think o' sech things as that 'ere, eh? [_They move on._

_First Servant Girl_ (_reading_)--

"Two squintin' boss-heyes, and 'air all foiry-red. You surely can't ever expect to be wed? Yer nose shows plain you've took to gin. _You_'re a nice party for a wedding-ring!"

I've 'arf a mind to go in and git one o' them to send Missis.

_Second S.G._ (_in service elsewhere_). Oh, I _would_! Go in, SALLY, quick. I can lend yer a ap'ny towards it.

_Sally_ (_meditatively_). _I_'d do it--on'y she'd guess 'ood sent it her!

_Second S.G._ _Let_ 'er. You can stick 'er out it wasn't _you_.

_Sally_. I could, O' course--but it wouldn't be no use, she'd tell the 'andwriting on the hongvelope! (_Gloomily._)

_Second S.G._ Oh, if that's all, _I'll_ direct it for yer. Come on, SALLY; it will be sech a lark, and then you can tell me all about what she said arterwards! [_They enter the shop._

_First Young Person in hat and feathers_ (_reading_)--

"The female 'art you think you'll mash, By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da moustache. But I tell you straight it'll be a long time Before I take you to be _my_ Valentine!"

I do wonder what CHORLEY 'AWKINS would say if I sent him one of them.

_Second Y.P._ But I thought you told me CHORLEY 'AWKINS never took no notice of you?

_First Y.P._ No more he does--but p'raps this 'ud _make_ him!

_A Young Woman_ (_who has fallen out with her fiancé_). They ain't _arf_ Valentines this year, I wish I could come across one with 'orns and a tail!

_Elder Sister_ (_to small Brother--in a moral tone_). _Now_, JIMMY, you see what comes o' Book-learnin'. If you 'adn't gone to the Board School so regular, you wouldn't ha' been able to read all the potry on the Valentines like you can now, _would_ yer now?

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