Chapter 3

THE QUEEN.--Do you really believe such _would_ be the case?

SIR ROBERT.--Am I regularly called in?

THE QUEEN.--You evade a direct answer, I see. Granting such to be _your belief_, your friends and landowners would suffer no injury, for their incomes would procure them as many luxuries.

SIR ROBERT.--Not if they were to live abroad, or patronise foreign manufactures: and _should_ wages be higher, what would they say to me after all the money they have expended in bri--I mean at the Carlton Club, if I allow the value of their "dirty acres" to be reduced.

THE QUEEN.--Pray, what do you call such views?

SIR ROBERT.--Patriotism.

THE QUEEN.--Charity would be a better term, as that is said to begin at home. How long were you in your last place?

SIR ROBERT.--Not half so long as I wished--for the sake of the country.

THE QUEEN.--Why did you leave?

SIR ROBERT.--Somebody said I was saucy--and somebody else said I was not honest--and somebody else said I had better go.

THE QUEEN.--Who was the latter somebody?

SIR ROBERT.--My master.

THE QUEEN.--Your exposure of my late premier's faults, and your present application for his situation, result from disinterestedness, of course?

SIR ROBERT.--Of course, madam.

THE QUEEN.--Then salary is not so much an object as a comfortable situation.

SIR ROBERT.--I beg pardon; but I've been out of place ten years, and have a small family to support. _Wages_ is, therefore, some sort of a consideration.

THE QUEEN.--I don't quite like you.

SIR ROBERT (_glancing knowingly at the Queen_).--I don't think there is any one that _you can_ have better.

THE QUEEN.--I'm afraid not.

SIR ROBERT.--Then, am I regularly called in?

THE QUEEN.--Yes, you can take your boxes to Downing-street.

[_Exeunt ambo_.

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PARLIAMENTARY INTENTIONS.

Mr. Muntz, we understand, intends calling the attention of Parliament, at the earliest possible period, to the state of the crops.

Lord Palmerston intends proposing, that a looking-glass for the use of members should be placed in the ante-room of the House, and that it shall be called the New Mirror of Parliament.

Mr. T. Duncombe intends moving that the plans of Sir Robert Peel be immediately submitted to the photographic process, in order that some light may be thrown upon them as soon as possible.

The Earl of Coventry intends suggesting, that every member of both Houses be immediately supplied with a copy of the work called "Ten Minutes' Advice on Corns," in order to prepare Parliament for a full description of the Corn Laws.

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EXTRA FASHIONABLE NEWS.

Colonel Sibthorp has expressed his intention of becoming the blue-faced monkey at the Zoological Gardens with his _countenance_, on next Wednesday.

Lord Melbourne has received visits of condolence on his retirement from office, from Aldgate pump--Canning's statue in Palace-yard--the Three Kings of Brentford--and the Belle Sauvage, Ludgate-hill.

Her Royal Highness the Princess, her two nurses, and a pap-spoon, took an airing twice round the great hall of the palace, at one o'clock yesterday.

The Burlington Arcade will be thrown open to visitors to-morrow morning. Gentlemen intending to appear there, are requested to come with tooth-picks and full-dress walking-canes.

Sir Francis Burdett's top-boots were seen, on last Saturday, walking into Sir Robert Peel's house, accompanied by the legs of that venerable turner.

His Grace the Duke of Wellington inspected all the passengers in Pall Mall, from the steps of the United Service Club-house, and expressed himself highly pleased with the celerity of the 'busses and cabs, and the effective state of the pedestrians generally.

His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex has, in the most unequivocal manner, expressed his opinion on the state of the weather--which he pronounces to be hot! hot! all hot!

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A SINGULAR INADVERTENCE.

A good deal of merriment was caused in the House of Commons, by Mr. Bernal and Commodore Napier addressing the members as "gentlemen." This may be excusable in young members, but the oldest parliamentary reporter has no recollection of the term being used by any one who had sat a session in the House. "Too much familiarity," &c.

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PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--No. VIII.

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THE MINISTRY'S ODE TO THE PASSIONS.

NOT BY COLLINS.

When the Whig Ministry had run, Nor left behind a mother's son, The Tories, at their leader's call, Came thronging round him, one and all, Exulting, braying, cringing, coaxing, Expert at humbugging and hoaxing; By turns they felt an _honest_ zeal For private good and public weal; Till all at once they raised such yells, As rung in Apsley House the bells: And as they sought snug berths to get In Bobby Peel's new cabinet, Each, for interest ruled the hour, Would prove his taste for place and power.

First Follett's hand, his skill to try, Upon the _seals_ bewilder'd laid; But back recoil'd--he scarce knew why-- Of Lyndhurst's angry scowl afraid.

Next Stanley rush'd with frenzied air; His eager haste brook'd no delay: He rudely seized the _Foreign_ chair, And bade poor Cupid trudge away.

With woeful visage Melbourne sate-- A pint of double X his grief beguiled; And inly pondering o'er his fate, He bade th' attendant pot-boy "draw it mild."

But thou, Sir Jamie Graham--prig; What was thy delighted musing? Now accepting, now refusing, Till on the Admiralty pitch'd, Still would that thought his speech prolong; To gain the place for which he long had itch'd, He call'd on Bobby still through all the song; But ever as his sweetest theme he chose, A sovereign's golden chink was heard at every close, And Pollock grimly smiled, and shook his powder'd wig.

And longer had he droned--but, with a frown Brougham impatient rose; He threw the bench of snoring bishops down, And, with a withering look, The Whig-denouncing trumpet took, And made a speech so fierce and true, Thrashing, with might and main, both friend and foe; And ever and anon he beat, With doubled fist his cushion'd seat; And though sometimes, each breathless pause between, Astonished Melbourne at his side, His moderating voice applied, Yet still he kept his stern, unalter'd mien, While battering the Whigs and Tories black and blue.

Thy ravings, Goulburn, to no theme were fix'd. Not ev'n thy virtue is without its spots; With piety thy politics were mix'd, And now they courted Peel, now call'd on Doctor Watts.

With drooping jaw, like one half-screw'd, Lord Johnny sate in doleful mood, And for his Secretarial seat, Sent forth his howlings sad, but sweet Lost Normanby pour'd forth his sad adieu; While Palmerston, with graceful air, Wildly toss'd his scented hair; And pensive Morpeth join'd the sniv'lling crew. Yet still they lingered round with fond delay, Humming, hawing, stopping, musing, Tory rascals all abusing, Till forced to move away.

But, oh! how alter'd was the whining tone When, loud-tongued Lyndhurst, that unblushing wight, His gown across his shoulders flung, His wig with virgin-powder white, Made an ear-splitting speech that down to Windsor rung, The Tories' call, that Billy Holmes well knew, The turn-coat Downshire and his Orange crew; Wicklow and Howard both were seen Brushing away the wee bit green; Mad Londonderry laugh'd to hear, And Inglis scream'd and shook his ass's ear

Last Bobby Peel, with hypocritic air, He with modest look came sneaking: First to "_the Home_" his easy vows addrest,-- But soon he saw the _Treasury's_ red chair, Whose soft inviting seat he loved the best. They would have thought, who heard his words, They saw in Britain's cause a patriot stand, The proud defender of his land, To aw'd and list'ning senates speaking;--

But as his fingers touch'd the purse's strings, The chinking metal made a magic sound, While hungry placemen gather'd fast around: And he, as if by chance or play, Or that he would their venal votes repay, The golden treasures round upon them flings.

* * * * *

SIR ROBERT PEEL AND THE QUEEN.

Upon the first interview of the Queen with Sir Robert Peel, her Majesty was determined to answer only in monosyllables to all he said; and, in fact, to make her replies _an echo_, and nothing more, to whatever he said to her. The following dialogue, which we have thrown into verse for the purpose of smoothing it--the tone of it, as spoken, having been on one side, at least, rather rough--ensued between the illustrious persons alluded to.

HE.--Before we into minor details go, Do I possess your confidence or no?

SHE.--_No._

HE.--You shall not vex me, though your treatment's rough; No, madam, I am made of sterner stuff.

SHE.--_Stuff._

HE.--Really, if thus your minister you flout, A single syllable he can't get out.

SHE.--_Get out!_

HE.--But try me, madam; time indeed will show Unto what lengths to serve you I would go.

SHE.--_Go._

HE.--We both have power,--'tis doubtful which is greater; These crooked words had better be made straighter.

SHE.--_Traighter (Traitor.)_

HE.--Farewell! and never in this friendly strain (My proffer'd aid foregone) I breathe again!

SHE.--_Gone. I breathe again!_

* * * * *

SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--NO. 2.

I cannot rove with thee, where zephyrs float-- Sweet sylvan scenes devoted to the loves!-- For, oh! I have not got one decent coat, Nor can I sport a single pair of gloves.

Gladly I'd wander o'er the verdant lawn, Where graze contentedly the fleecy flock; But can I show myself in gills so torn, Or brave the public gaze in such a stock?

I know _thou_'lt answer me that love is blind, And faults in one it worships can't perceive; It must be sightless, truly, not to find The hole that's gaping in my threadbare sleeve.

Farewell, my love--for, oh! by heaven, we part, And though it cost me all the pangs of hell. The herd shall not on thee inflict a smart, By calling after us--"There goes a swell!"

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A PRIVATE BOX.

During the clear-out on Wednesday last in Downing-street, a small chest, strongly secured, was found among some models of balloting-boxes. It had evidently been forgotten for some years, and upon opening it, was found to contain the Whig promises of 1832. They were immediately conveyed to Lord Melbourne, who appeared much astonished at these resuscitation of the

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THE LOST MEDICAL PAPERS OF THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION.

"It is somewhat remarkable," observe the journals of the past week, "that the medical division of this scientific meeting has not contributed one single paper this year in furtherance of its object, although the communications from that section have usually been of a highly important character."

The journals may think it somewhat remarkable--we do not at all; for here, as in every other event of the day, a great deal depends upon being "behind the curtain;" and as the greater portion of our life is passed in that locality, we are always to be relied upon for authenticity in our statements. The plain truth is, that the papers were inadvertently lost, and rather than lead to some unpleasant disclosures, in which the eminent professor to whom they were entrusted would have been deeply implicated, it was thought best to say nothing about them. By chance they fell into the hands of the manager of one of our perambulating theatres, who was toiling his way from the west of England to Egham races, and having deposited them in his portable green-room, under the especial custody of the clown, the doctor, and the overbearing parochial authority, he duly remitted them to our office. We have been too happy in giving them a place in our columns, feeling an honest pride in thus taking the lead of the chief scientific publications of the day. It will be seen that they are drawn up as a report, all ready for publication, according to the usual custom of such proceedings, where every one knows beforehand what they are to dispute or agree with.

Dr. Splitnerve communicated a remarkable case of Animal Magnetism:--Eugene Doldrum, aged 21, a young man of bilious and interesting temperament, having been mesmerized, was rendered so keenly magnetic, as to give rise to a most remarkable train of phenomena. On being seated upon a music-stool, he immediately becomes an animated compass, and turns round to the north. Knives and forks at dinner invariably fly towards him, and he is not able to go through any of the squares, in consequence of being attracted firmly to the iron railings. As most of the experiments took place at the North London Hospital, Euston-square was his chief point of attraction, and when he was removed, it was always found necessary to break off the railings and take them away with him. This accounted for the decrepit condition of the _fleur de lys_ that surround the inclosure, which was not, as generally supposed, the work of the university pupils residing in Gower-place. Perfect insensibility to pain supervened at the same time, and his friends took advantage of this circumstance to send him, by way of delicate compliment, to a lying-in lady, in the style of a pedestrian pin-cushion, his cheeks being stuck full of minikin pins, on the right side, forming the words "Health to the Babe," and on the left, "Happiness to the Mother."

Dr. Mortar read a talented paper on the cure of strabismus, or squinting, by dividing the muscles of the eye. The patient, a working man, squinted so terribly, that his eyes almost got into one another's sockets; and at times he was only able to see by looking down the inside of his nose and out at the nostrils. The operation was performed six weeks ago, when, on cutting through the muscles, its effects were instantly visible: both the eyes immediately diverging to the extreme outer angles of their respective orbits.

Dr. Sharpeye inquired if the man did not find the present state of his vision still very perplexing.

Dr. Mortar replied, that so far from injuring his sight, it had proved highly beneficial, as the patient had procured a very excellent situation in the new police, and received a double salary, from the power he possessed of keeping an eye upon both sides of the road at the same time.

An elaborate and highly scientific treatise was then read by Dr. Sexton, upon a disease which had been very prevalent in town during the spring, and had been usually termed the influenza. He defined it as a disease of convenience, depending upon various exciting causes acting upon the mind. For instance:--

Mrs. A----, a lady residing in Belgrave-square, was on the eve of giving a large party, when, upon hearing that Mr. A---- had made an unlucky speculation in the funds, the whole family were seized with influenza so violently, that they were compelled to postpone the reunion, and live upon the provided supper for a fortnight afterwards.

Miss B---- was a singer at one of our large theatres, and had a part assigned to her in a new opera. Not liking it, she worried herself into an access of influenza, which unluckily seized her the first night the opera was to have been played.

But the most marked case was that of Mr. C----, a clerk in a city house of business, who was attacked and cured within three days. It appeared that he had been dining that afternoon with some friends, who were going to Greenwich fair the next day, and on arriving at home, was taken ill with influenza, so suddenly that he was obliged to despatch a note to that effect to his employer, stating also his fear that he should be unable to attend at his office on the morrow. Dr. Sexton said he was indebted for an account of the progress of his disease to a young medical gentleman, clinical clerk at a leading hospital, who lodged with the patient in Bartholomew-close. The report had been drawn up for the _Lancet_, but Dr. S. had procured it by great interest.

MAY 30, 1841, 11 P.M.--Present symptoms:--Complains of his employer, and the bore of being obliged to be at the office next morning. Has just eaten a piece of cold beef and pickles, with a pint of stout. Pulse about 75, and considerable defluxion from the nose, which he thinks produced by getting a piece of Cayenne pepper in his eye. Swallowed a crumb, which brought on a violent fit of coughing. Wishes to go to bed.

MAY 31, 9 A.M.--Has passed a tolerable night, but appears restless, and unable to settle to anything. Thinks he could eat some broiled ham if he had it; but not possessing any, has taken the following:

Rx--Infus. coffee lbj Sacchari [symbol: dram]iij Lactis Vaccæ [symbol: ounce]j Ft. mistura, poculum mane sumendum.

A plaster ordered to be applied to the inside of the stomach, consisting of potted bloater spread upon bread and butter.

Eleven, A.M.--Appears rather hotter since breakfast. Change of air recommended, and Greenwich decided upon.

Half-past 11.--Complains of the draught and noise of the second-class railway carriages, but is otherwise not worse. Thinks he should like "a drain of half-and-half." Has blown his nose once in the last quarter of an hour.

Two, P.M.--Since a light dinner of rump steaks and stout, a considerable change has taken place. He appears labouring under cerebral excitement and short pipes, and says he shall have a regular beanish day, and go it similar to bricks. Calls the waiter up to him in one of the booths, and has ordered "a glass of cocktail with the chill off and a cinder in it."

Three, P.M.--Has sallied out into the fair, still much excited, calling every female he meets "Susan," and pronouncing the s's with a whistling accent. Expresses a desire to ride in the ships that go round and round.

Half-past 3.--The motion of the ships has tended considerably to relieve his stomach. Pulse slow and countenance pale, with a desire for a glass of ale. Has entered a peepshow, and is now arguing with the exhibitor upon the correctness of his view of the siege of "St. Jane Daker!" which he maintains was a sea-port, and not a field with a burning windmill, as represented in the view.

Eight, P.M.--After rambling vaguely about the fair all the afternoon, he has decided upon taking a hot-air bath in Algar's Crown and Anchor booth. Evidently delirious. Has put on a false nose, and purchased a tear-coat rattle. Appears labouring under violent spasmodic action of the muscles of his legs, as he dances "Jim along Josey," when he sets to his partner in a country dance of eighty couple.

Half-past 10, P.M.--Has just intimated that he does not see the use of going home, as you can always go there when you can go nowhere else. Is seated straddling across one of the tables, on which he is beating time to the band with a hooky stick. Will not allow the state of his pulse to be ascertained, but says we may feel his fist if we like.

Eleven.--Considerable difficulty experienced in getting the patient to the railroad, but we at last succeeded. After telling every one in the carriage "that he wasn't afraid of any of them," he fell into a deep stertorous sleep. On arriving at home, he got into bed with his boots on, and passed a restless night, turning out twice to drink water between one and four.

JUNE.--10, A.M.--Has just returned from his office, his employer thinking him very unfit for work, and desiring him to lay up for a day or two. Complains of being "jolly seedy," and thinks he shall go to Greenwich again to get all right.

A thrilling paper upon the "Philosophy of death," was then read by Professor Wynne Slow. After tracing the origin of that fatal attack, which it appears the earliest nations were subject to, the learned author showed profound research in bringing forward the various terms applied to the act of dying by popular authors. Amongst the principal, he enumerated "turning your toes up," "kicking the bucket," "putting up your spoon," "slipping your wind," "booking your place," "breaking your bellows," "shutting up your shop," and other phrases full of expression.

The last moments of remarkable characters were especially dwelt upon, in connexion, more especially, with the drama, which gives us the best examples, from its holding a mirror up to nature. It appeared that at Astley's late amphitheatre, the dying men generally shuffled about a great deal in the sawdust, fighting on their knees, and showing great determination to the last, until life gave way; that at the Adelphi the expiring character more frequently saw imaginary demons waiting for him, and fell down, uttering "Off, fiends! I come to join you in your world of flames!" and that clowns and pantaloons always gave up the ghost with heart-rending screams and contortions of visage, as their deaths were generally violent, from being sawn in half, having holes drilled in them with enormous gimlets, or being shot out of cannon; but that, at the same time, these deaths were not permanent.

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FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE.

Our foreign expresses have reached us _via_ Billingsgate, and are full of interesting matter. Captain Fitz-Flammer is in prison at Boulogne, for some trifling misunderstanding with a native butcher, about the settlement of an account; but we trust no time will be lost by our government in demanding his release at the hands of the authorities. The attempt to make it a private question is absurd; and every Englishman's blood will simmer, if it does not actually boil, at the intelligence. Fitz-Flammer was only engaged in doing that which many of our countrymen visit Boulogne expressly to do, and it is hard that he should have been intercepted in his retreat, after accomplishing his object. To live at the expense of a natural enemy is certainly a bold and patriotic act, which ought to excite sympathy at home, and protection abroad. The English packet, the _City of Boulogne_, has turned one of its imitation guns directly towards the town, which, we trust, will have the effect of bringing the French authorities to reason.

It is expected that the treaty will shortly be signed, by which Belgium cedes to France a milestone on the north frontier; while the latter country returns to the former the whole of the territory lying behind a pig-stye, taken possession of in the celebrated 6th _vendemiaire_, by the allied armies. This will put an end to the heart-burnings that have long existed on either side of the Rhine, and will serve to apply the sponge at once to a long score of national animosities.